Hi I haven’t blogged in forever because I’ve been listening to Otis Redding and hiding in my room. Did you know he died at 26? I thought he was 58 when he recorded “Cigarettes and Coffee.” I am an idiot. :)
August has been busy and exciting as CRAP. This past weekend I felt like I barfed my soul out of my chest. I’m usually a tame version of myself when out in public but I lost it Friday and Saturday. On Sunday it felt like I was speaking five octaves lower than I normally do. I dumped a bunch of Alka-Seltzer down my throat and tried not to throw up at the Yanni concert.
It began at the Robyn concert which she started to play a string of her popular songs, starting with “Indestructible” followed by “Call Your Girlfriend” and “Dancing On My Own.” It was wild which everyone jumping up and down and screeching the lyrics, but once THIS song started everything got still. It’s been one of my favorite songs for a while, so I choked up a little when it started. I just had a moment of Holy shit, she’s right there and this is happening. I get to see this and have this moment. It was a little after the 2:23 mark of the song that the choked up turned into me burying my face into my hands and wailing. It was beyond what Queen Oprah calls “the ugly cry.” It was little kid sobbing at the grocery store because mom won’t buy the Lunchables. *sobsobsobsob huuuugeeebreeeeaaattthhhiiiinn sobsobsob*
After the concert we walked down into a bar with an 80’s cover band that played two more of my favorite songs (“Your Love” by The Outfield and “Kickstart My Heart” by Motley Crue). At that point I was on a high from Robyn that I danced like a maniac and did the Andy-Dufresne-standing-in-the-rain-pose while screaming to all the songs. If I didn’t go to bed that night I’d probably be still awake now.
Saturday was my cousin’s wedding which was incredible. Same deal again. The music was fantastic and everyone was so happy to be together. I got a little too excited halfway through and had to put myself in timeout so I wouldn’t throw up. :)
What’s awesome is that both nights, strangers and family members alike came up to me and my friends saying how much they loved watching us dance and how they wanted to join. I was always a sidelines girl growing up so it meant a lot to me that I’ve come around to be someone that other people see and want to jump up and down and scream to Love Shack with.
IN OTHER NEWS:
Rejections. I’ve been submitting essays and lists here and there and the rejection letters I’ve been getting have said “we were about to use this but decided against it in the final round” or “this was extremely tempting but we’re going to pass.” It’s easier sometimes to be way off the mark because at least then you could blame it on so many different factors. When it’s so close to being accepted, you have to find that one little reason that made someone change their mind about it. At least I’m getting closer.
OKAY IT’S NYQUIL TIME I LOVE YOU BYE.
Three songs for EPISODE 3.
For the past week and a half, I’ve been playing THREE songs compulsively.
As always, YouTube clips are linked in the titles. LET’S GET TO IT.
Off her 2008 album “Some People Have Real Problems.” I first heard this song about a year ago and kept forgetting to download it. I’ve finally done that this week.
Rate of Play: Four times today.
WHY: It’s dreamy and depressing. The diction is almost non-existence but it fits. The kind of song you lay in bed and close your eyes to and roll around while lip syncing to it. At the beginning you’re mumbling sadly along with her and then before you know it you’re screeching to it in your car while running over pedestrians in the crosswalk.
From her first album of the same name. I ignored this song until last Saturday when I found the CD wedged between the seat of my car. I thought the intro was obnoxious and would skip it. OH HOW WRONG I WAS. I may have the vibrato of Scuttle (Lil’Nernaid [Little Mermaid])
Rate of Play: 3-6 times a day.
WHY: “I swear maybe one day you’re gonna wanna make out with me.” The perils of being a little sister to an older brother. You’re permanently convinced you’re everyone’s LITTLE SISTER FOREVER. Maybe no one will want to make out with you for the rest of your life because you’re dweeb. Am I right, little sisters? Shout out to my beloved Kelly T. I also enjoy the drums in this song.
Rate of Play: Twice a day for the rest of my life.
WHY: The intro riff makes some unknown chemical shoot down my spine and it forces me to blissfully flail around my room. Either that or it perfectly matches my heartbeat. IDK. SCIENCE.
You’ll want to sit in silence for the rest of the day.
<3 KAY BAI
Maybe they aren’t prophetic dreams, but just some Law of Attraction type business going on.
Either way, the other night I had a dream that I was running away from someone who was trying to kill me. I was in a neighborhood trying to hide behind swing-sets and bushes and chairs. I wasn’t me though, I was an older actress who I’ve seen but could not figure out what her name was and what movies she was from.
I woke up irritated because I knew I couldn’t even cite a movie to try and look her up.
I got up, went downstairs and after a little bit I was on my laptop scrolling through Facebook. Late Night with Seth Meyers had posted a video of an interview with Paula Pell, who I think is one of the funniest and under-appreciated comedy writers in the free world. Paula had never down an interview like that with Seth before so I watched it. She talked about an upcoming movie she had written, starring Amy Poehler, Tina Fey, and a few other familiar names. The only name that wasn’t familiar was Dianne Wiest. So, being someone who needs to know everything all the time, I looked her up.
AND IT WAS THE ACTRESS THAT I BECAME IN MY DREAM.
I can’t help but think that in a parallel universe I AM DIANNE WIEST.
What do you think? What does it all mean?
Despite the poor execution, I do spend a lot of time figuring out which songs appear on Songs I Listen to Compulsively. HOWEVER, there are some songs/artsits I’ve been listening to that deserve their own recognition. Week to week I will listen to a handful of songs compulsively until I can’t listen to them until a few years later.
But I decided I want to do Songs I Listen to Compulsively: SPECIAL DEDICATION EDITION so I can gush about songs and people I’ll forever be in love with.
This week the spotlight is on queen, mother, God: Alanis Morissette.
In no particular order, here are the songs that I could listen to all day and lay in bed and cry and make up fake scenarios to day dream about to. :)
Remember, you can click on the title of the song for a pop-up window of the YouTube video.
Listening Status: Still new to me but I will listen to at least once a week until the day I die.
Why: “I’m too exhausting to be loved.” Amiright?
2) You Learn
Listening Status: Whenever it’s on the radio.
Why: “The fiiiireetrucks are COMING UP AROUND THE BEHHEEHEEEND.”
Listening Status: Heavy listening in 2008. Will listen to whenever it comes on iTunes/Spotify or when wanting to warm up vocal chords for yodeling.
Why: That’s a muthafuckin’ flute in there.
Listening Status: Favorite song since 3rd grade me saw City of Angels.
Why: Cryptic lyrics and orchestra accompaniment.
Listening Status: I never listened to this one until I saw her in concert. Please tattoo the sheet music of it on my ass.
Why: Lyrics make me giggle.
OKAY! WE DID IT! ALANIS FOREVER!
And now since I can’t be sad for more than 3 minutes….
THE NEXT INSTALLMENT OF: Songs I Listen to Compulsively.
As you may have gathered from episode one, these songs may be terrible, but that makes them no less significant to my overall morale.
That being said, HERE WE GO:
1) Anything Could Happen – Ellie Goulding (holding strong from last week!)
2) Colorblind- The Counting Crows (sex!)
3) Dancing on My Own- Robyn (androgyny!)
Why you ask? Let’s find out.
And remember you can click on the titles to listen to them and cry/sex with me!
Rate of Listening: The quantity is on the cusp of being torturous, sick, and unusual to anyone unwilling.
Why: It’s the perfect mix of adorable pop, a tinge of sadness, and a smooch of “fuck off.”
Rate of Listening: As many times as it takes to get me to have a consistent stream of tears dripping down my cheeks and onto my neck.
Why: I had not seen Cruel Intentions until this week. Two characters made love to this song. Now I want to make love to this song. Heart-wrenching and has a lyric that says the word “tongue” which I find sexy. Also flutes make me knees weak when used like they are here. Similar to Alanis’ “That I Would Be Good.” I enjoy a song that can make me feel depressed over a situation I’ve never been in as if I’ve been in it my whole life. There’s also a break in the song where it sounds like it’s over but that old tricks Dreadlocks McGooch comes back in to kill you some more. Like when you think a relationship/fling/”talking”period is over and then that other person does something that makes it start back up again. Heart flutters.
Rate of Listening: Several times a week for the past year.
Why: It’s fucking Robyn. She’s incredible. You can dance and be depressed at the same time. Everybody wins! Besides, who hasn’t felt the pain of seeing someone you like with another person?
AND THAT’S IT FOR THIS WEEK.
I love you.
An important person in your life dies, there’s a discomfort in their absence. Depending on how you deal with personal loss, it’s probably hard for you to imagine how you’ll function without them, like spending a weekend with someone – after they leave and you’re in your house by yourself and everything goes quiet.
But what happens when you experience the death of someone who was once a large part of your life?
I’m having conflicting emotions.
This weekend I found out someone who was once a very important part of my life passed away. He’s still important by way of forging the path of my dating life, a distinct honor I like the recognize for those who so bravely venture, but one that was brief and a very long time ago.
He was my very first “boyfriend”. First kiss. First crouched in the corner sobbing into my knees heartache.
We “dated” in middle school and transitioned into high school. We broke up at a school dance and I couldn’t listen to O-Town’s “All or Nothing” for a year. We remained friendly but over the years it dwindled as we grew up and went our separate ways.
I had always known he was sick, but just due to a pubescent child’s naiveté, I didn’t understand the severity of it. Even nearly a decade later though, when asked “did you hear about…” I instinctively knew what had happened. So many things I had forgotten suddenly resurfaced as I read his obituary. Names of family members and pets, dates, details of his personality.
The conflicting emotions come from partly realizing that I don’t really know that person anymore, that maybe I don’t have the right to be sad. But I think that’s bullshit too. There’s an awkward space in me that is mourning an important figure in my timeline.
I’m down but the memories of trying to sabotage each other’s history projects or the time I was convinced to be an accomplice in killing our friend’s pet caterpillar brings the sweetest chuckle.
One of my favorite lines from queen mother Alanis, “I’m sad but I’m laughing.”
Rest in peace.