Broken Toaster

It was a very sad week at Chez We Love Toast. Our baby four-month old toaster, Kenmore, blew a fuse and only toasts one side of whatever object we want to cram in there.

How can we live in a world with bread you have to flip over every 30 seconds?

I filled the void of non-difficult toast with Dunkin Donuts cinnamon munchkins. It’s in small moments you find meaning, like today when I ordered the cinnamon munchkins and my friend ordered pumpkin munchkins. LIVE AND LET LIVE. I never really thought about the phrase but today while staring at the K-Cups through my uncaffeinated haze into the doughnut bins. One persons cinnamon munchkins is another persons pumpkin munchkins. Hallelujah, praise even toast.

Okay, I love you. BYE.

Drinking Candles

Helllooooo.

I’ve found my weakness in this world. It’s not Cookie Butter, it’s not Cookie Butter Cups (although that’s a close second), BUT my true love and passion in this world: Yankee Candle’s “Sugared Apple.”

Stay with me, babies.

Over the past few months I’ve developed a chronic illness, one in which inhabits my entire body and I must, at all costs, find the most mouth-watering, soul inflaming, expens-I mean exciting new scents given to mankind.

I even wrote a fricken review on the Yankee Candle website declaring my love and admiration. I also wrote one for the Apple Spice (made to smell like an Apple Cider Doughnut) like the little porky I am. Hehe! Snort, snort.

I also had to buy a Patchouli candle because how the hell else am I going to reach nirvana? The Vanilla Chai candle also got strapped into a car seat  on the way home because I imagine that’s what Buddha  and J. Christ would’ve done.

It’s so convenient that they come in jars so once the wax is liquidized you can drink it right from the glass!

Alright, my friends. Enough about candles until next week when Yankee Candle has their Buy 2 Get 2 free and I buy out the whole store and pay a cabana boy to fan me and pour Bay Leaf Wreath and Balsam & Cedar down my throat.

kloveyoubye

Skulleerrrbop

Hi childrens.

It’s FALL! I can go outside! My skin won’t flake off from being burnt by the sun! It’ll flake off from being too dry from the cold weather but sometimes you have to pick your battles hahahahaha *weeps*

I’ve been listening to the Spice Girls “2 Become 1″ at least 3 times a day. It’s been very sensual in Chez Lo, i.e. burning the 48 maple apple cider cinnamon Yankee Candles I bought in bulk at Marshall’s and feeding myself the baker’s chocolate leftover in the cabinet.

It’s taken me about 3 hours to write this nothing post because I’ve been battling with my iTunes account over whether my computer is authorized to play Danke Schoen. IT’S FRICKEN CRIMINAL I TELL YA.

I’m almost offended that I haven’t developed bed sores.

My ability to retain direction and focus to bring the hard hitting details of my uncultured existence to the masses is starting to waiver.

I also ate How to Train Your Dragon 2 shaped Macaroni&Cheese for dinner today. I ran out of milk so I just used extra butter. I’m really trying to follow a strict health regimen :) tehe.

I bought my Halloween costume but I can’t tell you what it is because I really want to savor the suspense of a $60 bodysuit made of the same material book covers are made of (not a brown paper Stop&Shop bag, more like Spandex/Rayon/Polyster).

Okay I have to go lay in my bed and stare at my phone for 6 hours love you bye.

Ello.

I joined Ello today.

If you can get an invite, I recommend getting set up. It’s very calm and simple. Lots of breathing room.

You can comment but there are no “like” buttons or “favorites.” I write a lot of jokes and I get obsessed seeing responses, similar to being on stage telling a joke, getting the feedback of the audience.

On Ello there is none of that, which to my surprise is oddly calming. I don’t have to see that NO ONE likes a joke or get my ego inflated that one went really well. Always fleeting, regardless of the high or low.

It’s a lot easier on the brain. I’m excited to be a part of it. Find me @lokirby!

Let’s Talk about Me More

Although I talk about me all the time, I don’t talk really talk about ME. I started writing a post earlier but realized it was going to take some more time thinking it through* (*requires more concentration than being in front of the TV with cookie butter trying to write it for 6 hours).

I’m going to do a short series every so often of traits and quirks that I think are either funny or too stupid not to share. Don’t worry about Songs I Listen to Compulsively. I’ve been stuck on the same set of songs for a while now but I feel a change in the air.

Anyways, let’s get to it. Here are some things:

1) I recently realized that I hate everything in my wardrobe. A lot of people say this, but I pinpointed the issue. I love bright colorful things but wearing them isn’t how I want to express myself. If you haven’t picked up on it, I enjoy expressing myself in many mediums. I am currently working what I WANT to wear into my wardrobe. Read: Lots of black and lots of leather. Not like a biker. But in a “New Yorkers understand my affection for everything tight and black with some leather pants, hooray” mentality. It might seem obvious but I knew I wasn’t comfortable but I couldn’t figure out how I loved something so much and hate the way it made me feel.

2) I have two tattoos. The first one is a yellow rose as a tribute to my Nana who loved yellow roses. I’m thinking of adding more and making it a half sleeve. I would love a blue rose in the sleeve, as a nod to Twin Peaks/Fire Walk with Me. My second tattoo is of a U.F.O. and is a symbol of a lot of things. After I got out of a long relationship, I realized I didn’t really have my own identity left. I boarded myself up into my room and used the X-Files as a crutch. It was something I had for myself. Also, my Nana and Dad LOVED the X-Files and I remember them watching it (and me cowering in fear behind the recliner, peaking out to see what was happening on TV). It’s also a little homage to them and those times. It’s also my symbol for being weird. I get told I’m a little weirdo a lot. Thankfully, I am aware of it AND I don’t try to use it as my little niche thing. I don’t try and heighten in the make myself stand out more. It’s just me! And last but not least, it’s also a companionSHIP (get it?!) to my friend Ryan’s tattoo. He and I both got our U.F.O’s together, so it’s just a cool thing that they are totally different designs, but come from the same muse (X-FIles).

3) I once gave David Sedaris a typed story I wrote about the time I pissed into an almond jar while boxed in during traffic on the highway.

4) Yes, it’s true. I had to piss in the almond jar. It was either that or a Teddy Graham’s box.

5) When I go out for drinks, I have to suck my drink down within the first 2 minutes of ordering it. I don’t know why but I get antsy.

HEHE!

Fun!

Yay!

Clap!

Okay, it’s my bed time. K LOVE YOU BYE!

BlackMail

My mother has a video on her phone that she sent me. I do not get embarrassed easily. This past week one of my coworkers didn’t knock on the bathroom door and I fell off the toilet and onto my  hands and knees with my pants around my ankles trying to prevent her from coming in. Doesn’t shake me. 

But this video is from my cousin’s crazy awesome wedding. It was taken after I spent 45 minutes trying not to throw-up the 5 sparkling wines I threw back. My face was broken out in hives from wearing a dress made of what I can only assume now was cheesecloth and tulle. On top of the hives was a sheen (I think gel is more appropriate) of sweat, glistening with every light beam bouncing off it.  

I am screaming. I am jumping. I am ferociously vogueing (Paris is Burning, not Madonna) but with no purpose to my actions. My eyes are looking in two different directions. I’m slurring the words to “Love Shack” yet still maintaining a constant guttural sound like one I imagine Jane came to know in her days spent with Tarzan. 

Watching the video, I laughed so hard I peed my pajama capris. Tears pooled out of the corners of my eyes but I think that was more out of disappointment that I thought I was doing a GREAT job. Everyone was cheering and clapping. Yeah, Lo. No wonder everyone was clapping…there was a little monkey girl dancing for peanuts and one dollar bills! I like one dollar bills though. Keep thrown’ those. 

Somewhere inside, I think I secretly hope more videos and pictures come out to validate my existence of a truly absurd expression of human life. 

In other news, it’s Otis Redding’s birthday today. Watch this and be dreamy. 

Ok I love you <3

Hehehehe

Hi I haven’t blogged in forever because I’ve been listening to Otis Redding and hiding in my room. Did you know he died at 26? I thought he was 58 when he recorded “Cigarettes and Coffee.” I am an idiot. :)