Ok Cupid 

I unintentionally joined a dating site and I already feel ashamed about it.

I signed up originally to look at the format first hand, so I made my profile picture Enrico Palazzo (aka Frank Drebin from The Naked Gun) and answered all the questions with “singing the Star Spangled Banner.”

Unfortunately, the admins quickly realized I was not a screenshot of an early 90s movie and removed my photo for me. 

I added a normal picture but left all the patriotic answers to ward off predators (turns out, it was more of a lure than deterrent). My inbox filled up with fifty plus, 50+ geezers  asking if I wanted to be treated like a princess, to which I replied with a delicate “no you fucking freak.”

Not really. I’m not that mean and I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feeling so the block button became my best line of defense. Even still the messages kept coming from avatars of shirtless chumps commenting on how they liked how athletic I looked. If you’re wondering if I’m athletic is any capacity, here’s the resounding “no.” Also, my hair and forehead take up most of the photo.

I downloaded to app. Deleted the app. Downloaded the app again. Paid for premium content. Disabled my account. Deleted the app. Reactivated my account and now considering downloading the app again. I think I’m better off creating my own site “OkCoopid” and just post a bunch of pictures of hens. 

Anyways, I’m five minutes away from deleting my account again because I much rather meet someone while I’m kicking down the door of the men’s bathroom at Nordstrom because the cleaning crew blocked off the women’s room. Isn’t that how everyone wants it?

Anyways, I love you bye eat grapes they taste good preferably the purple no seeds.

Peanuts and Tomatoes

Hey clam sauces,

I was thinking today about my new phrase, “peanuts and tomatoes, amiright?!” 

It’s a great way to impress your friends with this hit phrase that means “same difference.”  The origin? I feel the same way about peanuts as I do tomatoes. I’m also an idiot. 

BUT hear me on this. I don’t like peanuts or tomatoes unless they are an ingredient for a larger, more delicious snack. Peanuts don’t nearly have as much num-power as pistachios, cashews, or even fricken almonds have on their own. And hear this– tomatoes are little flavorless acidic bombs. You heard me, acid lovers. I’ll take your Ragu and Pace but I don’t want to see them in their naked forms.

Peanuts and tomatoes, my friend. One in the same. Like bonehead and numbskull. Chump and punk. Moron and dummy. 

Alright little love shacks, go out and spread my message but feel free to also not. I understand. I LOVE YOU. Xo

Good Morning Children

This is your Uncle Tony.

Just kidding. 

I watched a lot of Heavyweights as a kid.

I also started a long post last night then fell asleep on top of my phone. My dedication is unwavering. 

Who else is not showering this morning? 

One of my third of seven  wake-up call alarms is going off so I better go splash my face, wipe my armpit with a baby wipe, and slap on some new underwear. WHO’S WITH ME?!

Enjoy your day, 143xo831xx0xily

Quick Update Shmupdate

My weasel-monkeys,

I did the Avon 39 Walk to End Breast Cancer this weekend. It was both awesome and horrifically painful. 

Much walk. Such hurt. Wow. 

I’ll post pictures of me laying down on the grass after the 26.2 out of 39 miles I did. Complete with my “I just dry heaved with a caramel in my mouth” face. 

Tehe!

Thank you everyone who donated. I’ll be sending you grotesque pictures of my feet after walking in the same shoes for 10 hours. I thought about throwing some salt and lemon juice on the open sores for good measure. 

I’ve been horizontal since Saturday night and am hopefully developing bedsores to take my mind of my blisters and numb toes hehehehe. 

Anyways I love you/I’m tired/everything hurts/please rub me. 

LAST CALL! (Don’t make me beg.)

Hi Zuchinni puffs,

I’m turning to you. 

THIS SATURDAY I am signed up to walk in Boston’s Avon 39 Walk to End Breast Cancer. I have to raise $1800 to participate. I’m currently at $1609.

I NEED YOUR HELP! I’m less than $200 away from my goal and I have ONE DAY.

If you have a credit card and you can part with $5 (minimum requirement for donating for some reason) or more, I will smooch your face and write you a poem. Every single dollar counts, especially now. 

SO! If you see this and you think it’s weird to donate to someone you don’t know, well HEY it’s weird to ask strangers for money so you can walk 39 miles.  AND YOU CAN REMAIN ANONYMOUS IF YOU SO CHOSE! 

Clicky the linky belowy for my Avon donation page.

Lauren’s Donation Page!

Clicky the linky abovey, Avon calling, just kidding it’s me.

And if you’re reading this and you’re thinking “eh, she’ll get it in time, my donation won’t matter” WELL SIR OR MADAM, that is not true! I have been at a stand still for the last few days. Don’t engage in bystander effect! I could be dead in the road by now! 

Hehe. Also thank you to everyone on here who has donated. It’s so much appreciated! Smooch smooch smooch.

If you have any questions, please comment and I will kiss you and answer you and kiss you again. 

Okay. I LOVE YOU. GOOD NIGHT! DON’T PUT TOO MUCH OLIVE OIL ON YOUR KALE CHIPS!

I CHOPPED MUH HUR

HEY KIDS!

I haven’t blogged in a while because I changed my diet and I’m too busy eating every 3 minutes to satiate my insatiable hunger.

Don’t worry, I’m not starving myself but I cut out breads/rice/pasta and replaced it with more vegetables and protein but now I’m hungry at every waking moment and please god I need more snacks.

I also chopped all my hair off because it’s heavy and I’m hot and I need to go buy an air conditioner to sit in front of and cry.

ALSO! My Avon Walk is this weekend! I hope the weather is nice and that they have snacks too. I heard there would be muffins. GOTTA CARB LOAD TO WALK AMIRIGHT!

I’ve also started meditating again. I use the Deepak & Oprah series because an idiot could meditate to it but I keep falling asleep during it hehehehehehehehe.

Anyways, I wanted to check in to let you know that I’m still alive and I love you and I think you’re great and stuff.

kthanksbye143

I finally finished Six Feet Under and now I’m depressed.

I don’t know where to go from here. I finished the X-Files, Twin Peaks, The Sopranos, and now I’m just sitting here just me and my acid reflux gurgling at the blank TV screen. I started the L Word but I think I accidentally ruined the series for myself by, you know, being on the internet. WAH. I’ve watched a few True Detective episodes but they fricken mumble everything so I have to watch it on full volume with the closed captioning on. I’m also caught up on the Walking Dead.

If you have any suggestions for my next big adventure, please LET ME KNOW.

In other news, I got a pH strip put under my tongue and it nearly disintegrated in my mouth. With a diet of coffee and onion bagels, I can’t imagine why. I’m told if I eat more “vegetables” than it would even out. I might just eat more pH strips and see what happens.

In other, other news, I finally got into my alma maters literary journal. I think it might have been a pity publish but I’ll take it. I’ll link it once it comes out officially. You could totally buy a hard copy too and have it as a treasure forever and think about me and kiss it and stroke its spine.

Okay, I’m tired, I’ve been sitting in the same spot for 4 hours.

K LOVE YOU BYE TOOT TOOT!

I’m You Can See Her Ribs From Here

While I’m waiting for my five new meditation apps to download, I thought I’d say hi. 

Today I went to brunch and ordered French toast. They were out of bread by the time the order was put in, so I had to opt for the next best light-brunch choice which was, you guessed it, a half rack of BBQ ribs. The artisanal potato salad and coleslaw paired well with my fourth mimosa. I also had a raspberry macaron which I can tell people on the internet so I don’t have to pronounce it. Mac-AH-Roan? Mac-AH-TACK? BIG-MAC? DADDY MAC WILL MAKE YA (JUMP! JUMP!)

After brunch, we stumbled out into daylight, hissed at the sun, and fell into the Legoland Store where we looked at all the stupid “girl” Legos which are giant mutant freaks compared to the small classic Legos. I almost barfed on the Lego key chains, and not because they had a JarJar Binks one, but because I don’t know how well the orange juice mixed with BBQ sauce. But yeah, also JarJar Binks. Maybe I should go back and stick my finger down my throat.

Anyways, my phone feels like it’s about to start a mini bonfire with itself, so I think my apps are ready. Namaste motherfluffers.

143kisskissSmoochdonttouchme

Patches the GooGoo Butt

hiiiii.

I have a patch test on my back right now. When I typed that it auto corrected to “psych test” twice so I don’t know if I should also start making my appointment with a therapist too. 

I went to the dermatologist and she slapped these babies on my back. I can’t reach and stretch for 3 days until they come off. I also can’t get them wet, so no showering. Which is great because I usually shower anyways so I WIN. (Maybe not true but you can’t smell me so how do you know for sure?)

Oh, but I lose because I sweat to death in my little hot box for a bed. I keep my room at 55° (the lowest the heat will go without having the landlord spank me) and have both ceiling and desk fan on. This little baked potato body just wants to roast. 

If you’re wondering why I’m a “GooGoo Butt” then you should ask yourself the more important question which is why aren’t YOU identifying as a GooGoo Butt? Maybe you are one and you don’t know it. But you are so problem solved.

It’s time for my Oprah meditation. I’m not joking she has an app and a free mediation experience for 21 days. I keep falling asleep during them because I’m transcending reality or overtired, I’m not sure.

Okay I love you bye wipe your dog off! 

The face! The face! The face-is-on-fire!

Hey squeakers,

This weekend I went to an Ava Anderson party and charged shit-ton of stuff onto my credit card!

In short, Ava Anderson sells natural products for your big dumb face. We all know my big dumb face has been on fire for months because I’m allergic to something and it’s trying to kill me SO my big dumb face looked into my wallet and took out my credit card and gave it to a stranger so she could give me stuff that won’t burn my face off. SO YAY!

In other news, we (my roommate and I) came back from dinner and while walking through the parking lot of our apartment complex, we noticed our lights were on which we always shut off. Naturally, our next step was to stand outside our apartment with our ears pressed up the door, as if an intruder wouldn’t know to look through the peephole to see our faces smashed against the metal. We barged in, grabbed knives, I almost shit my pants because I had the pork chop for dinner, and then “cleared” all the rooms Walking Dead style. We’re still alive and I didn’t shit my pants. We were ready to slice and dice though. By the way, don’t throw us surprise parties.

Okay, it’s time for bed, I didn’t get my 300 hours of sleep this weekend so leave me alone gosh bye.

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