Ok Cupid 

I unintentionally joined a dating site and I already feel ashamed about it.

I signed up originally to look at the format first hand, so I made my profile picture Enrico Palazzo (aka Frank Drebin from The Naked Gun) and answered all the questions with “singing the Star Spangled Banner.”

Unfortunately, the admins quickly realized I was not a screenshot of an early 90s movie and removed my photo for me. 

I added a normal picture but left all the patriotic answers to ward off predators (turns out, it was more of a lure than deterrent). My inbox filled up with fifty plus, 50+ geezers  asking if I wanted to be treated like a princess, to which I replied with a delicate “no you fucking freak.”

Not really. I’m not that mean and I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feeling so the block button became my best line of defense. Even still the messages kept coming from avatars of shirtless chumps commenting on how they liked how athletic I looked. If you’re wondering if I’m athletic is any capacity, here’s the resounding “no.” Also, my hair and forehead take up most of the photo.

I downloaded to app. Deleted the app. Downloaded the app again. Paid for premium content. Disabled my account. Deleted the app. Reactivated my account and now considering downloading the app again. I think I’m better off creating my own site “OkCoopid” and just post a bunch of pictures of hens. 

Anyways, I’m five minutes away from deleting my account again because I much rather meet someone while I’m kicking down the door of the men’s bathroom at Nordstrom because the cleaning crew blocked off the women’s room. Isn’t that how everyone wants it?

Anyways, I love you bye eat grapes they taste good preferably the purple no seeds.

Peanuts and Tomatoes

Hey clam sauces,

I was thinking today about my new phrase, “peanuts and tomatoes, amiright?!” 

It’s a great way to impress your friends with this hit phrase that means “same difference.”  The origin? I feel the same way about peanuts as I do tomatoes. I’m also an idiot. 

BUT hear me on this. I don’t like peanuts or tomatoes unless they are an ingredient for a larger, more delicious snack. Peanuts don’t nearly have as much num-power as pistachios, cashews, or even fricken almonds have on their own. And hear this– tomatoes are little flavorless acidic bombs. You heard me, acid lovers. I’ll take your Ragu and Pace but I don’t want to see them in their naked forms.

Peanuts and tomatoes, my friend. One in the same. Like bonehead and numbskull. Chump and punk. Moron and dummy. 

Alright little love shacks, go out and spread my message but feel free to also not. I understand. I LOVE YOU. Xo

LAST CALL! (Don’t make me beg.)

Hi Zuchinni puffs,

I’m turning to you. 

THIS SATURDAY I am signed up to walk in Boston’s Avon 39 Walk to End Breast Cancer. I have to raise $1800 to participate. I’m currently at $1609.

I NEED YOUR HELP! I’m less than $200 away from my goal and I have ONE DAY.

If you have a credit card and you can part with $5 (minimum requirement for donating for some reason) or more, I will smooch your face and write you a poem. Every single dollar counts, especially now. 

SO! If you see this and you think it’s weird to donate to someone you don’t know, well HEY it’s weird to ask strangers for money so you can walk 39 miles.  AND YOU CAN REMAIN ANONYMOUS IF YOU SO CHOSE! 

Clicky the linky belowy for my Avon donation page.

Lauren’s Donation Page!

Clicky the linky abovey, Avon calling, just kidding it’s me.

And if you’re reading this and you’re thinking “eh, she’ll get it in time, my donation won’t matter” WELL SIR OR MADAM, that is not true! I have been at a stand still for the last few days. Don’t engage in bystander effect! I could be dead in the road by now! 

Hehe. Also thank you to everyone on here who has donated. It’s so much appreciated! Smooch smooch smooch.

If you have any questions, please comment and I will kiss you and answer you and kiss you again. 

Okay. I LOVE YOU. GOOD NIGHT! DON’T PUT TOO MUCH OLIVE OIL ON YOUR KALE CHIPS!

I finally finished Six Feet Under and now I’m depressed.

I don’t know where to go from here. I finished the X-Files, Twin Peaks, The Sopranos, and now I’m just sitting here just me and my acid reflux gurgling at the blank TV screen. I started the L Word but I think I accidentally ruined the series for myself by, you know, being on the internet. WAH. I’ve watched a few True Detective episodes but they fricken mumble everything so I have to watch it on full volume with the closed captioning on. I’m also caught up on the Walking Dead.

If you have any suggestions for my next big adventure, please LET ME KNOW.

In other news, I got a pH strip put under my tongue and it nearly disintegrated in my mouth. With a diet of coffee and onion bagels, I can’t imagine why. I’m told if I eat more “vegetables” than it would even out. I might just eat more pH strips and see what happens.

In other, other news, I finally got into my alma maters literary journal. I think it might have been a pity publish but I’ll take it. I’ll link it once it comes out officially. You could totally buy a hard copy too and have it as a treasure forever and think about me and kiss it and stroke its spine.

Okay, I’m tired, I’ve been sitting in the same spot for 4 hours.

K LOVE YOU BYE TOOT TOOT!

I’m You Can See Her Ribs From Here

While I’m waiting for my five new meditation apps to download, I thought I’d say hi. 

Today I went to brunch and ordered French toast. They were out of bread by the time the order was put in, so I had to opt for the next best light-brunch choice which was, you guessed it, a half rack of BBQ ribs. The artisanal potato salad and coleslaw paired well with my fourth mimosa. I also had a raspberry macaron which I can tell people on the internet so I don’t have to pronounce it. Mac-AH-Roan? Mac-AH-TACK? BIG-MAC? DADDY MAC WILL MAKE YA (JUMP! JUMP!)

After brunch, we stumbled out into daylight, hissed at the sun, and fell into the Legoland Store where we looked at all the stupid “girl” Legos which are giant mutant freaks compared to the small classic Legos. I almost barfed on the Lego key chains, and not because they had a JarJar Binks one, but because I don’t know how well the orange juice mixed with BBQ sauce. But yeah, also JarJar Binks. Maybe I should go back and stick my finger down my throat.

Anyways, my phone feels like it’s about to start a mini bonfire with itself, so I think my apps are ready. Namaste motherfluffers.

143kisskissSmoochdonttouchme

The face! The face! The face-is-on-fire!

Hey squeakers,

This weekend I went to an Ava Anderson party and charged shit-ton of stuff onto my credit card!

In short, Ava Anderson sells natural products for your big dumb face. We all know my big dumb face has been on fire for months because I’m allergic to something and it’s trying to kill me SO my big dumb face looked into my wallet and took out my credit card and gave it to a stranger so she could give me stuff that won’t burn my face off. SO YAY!

In other news, we (my roommate and I) came back from dinner and while walking through the parking lot of our apartment complex, we noticed our lights were on which we always shut off. Naturally, our next step was to stand outside our apartment with our ears pressed up the door, as if an intruder wouldn’t know to look through the peephole to see our faces smashed against the metal. We barged in, grabbed knives, I almost shit my pants because I had the pork chop for dinner, and then “cleared” all the rooms Walking Dead style. We’re still alive and I didn’t shit my pants. We were ready to slice and dice though. By the way, don’t throw us surprise parties.

Okay, it’s time for bed, I didn’t get my 300 hours of sleep this weekend so leave me alone gosh bye.

143

ICE CREEEAAAAAAM & Death!

Hey Kids!

ICE CREAM! YAAAAY! Last week I bought ice cream at the store and forgot it was in the freezer. In a fit of hunger I nearly ripped the door off and saw my little vanilla beauty staring back at me. I’m très happy.

I’m also très happy because I finished Season 2 of Six Feet Under and onto Season 3. I get sad when I start a new season because the coloring and cinematography is different. it’s usually on the 3rd season too, I’m assuming because at that point DEY GOT MORE MUNNEEEEY. Also the amount of A list celebs that show up in the cast is unnerving. heheheh.

In other news, I forgot I had an iPad. I remember why I forgot I had it because it’s a first generation and cannot handle updates past iOs 5.1.1.  This means virtually (hehe) all your games and other apps cannot update and most apps cannot function without said updates. Therefore, the slab of metal and microchips is USELESS. It’s sad. Here’s a sad face. :(

Okay, while I was writing this I ate all my ice cream. Do I get more? Check one: Yes or Yes.

GOODNIGHT I LOVE YOU EAT YOUR VITAMINS!

There’s No Food in the House

Very sparingly do I go food shopping. When I do it’s just a flash of me running around Market Basket at 8:57pm on a Wednesday and shoving frozen, microwaveable green beans into my Cynthia Rowley (Marshall’s, amiright?) roll-y bag. The green beans are my vegetable source and Pepe’s 99-cent cheese ravioli is my super source of protein. For fruits I smell my Red Apple Wreath Yankee Candle. I’m sure there are plenty more food groups but I choose not to acknowledge them in fear that I’m either significantly malnourished and horrifically overindulgent depending on which group we examine.

My current status is hot chocolate which only comes after the five pieces of toast and three cups of vegetable soup I slaved over (it was prepackaged but I added the tomato sauce [we didn’t have stewed or diced] and stirred it lovingly).

I also took a shower for the first time in three days. Nothing perks a woman up like the sound of her Irish Spring body wash spurting onto her questionably old loofah. I’m sure there’s a replacement date suggested on the tag but it’s still the same color as when I bought it (I imagine). The shower was a couple hours ago and I still haven’t lotioned any crevice of my body. I’m typing and skin flakes are flurrying around my keyboard as my dry knuckles hammer up and down. If I lived in one of those allergy protection bubbles, I’d make a real killing on my side act as human snow globe. Très dramatic as I’m listening to the king of depression, Bobby Vinton. Real Lifetime movie material. WOO.

Anyways, time to go straighten my hair. I can smell my 450 degree flat iron burning into my dresser. The scent of old burning hair really helps me sleep at night.

OKAY GOODNIGHT 143

And Then She Went to the Hospital!

I bet you’ve been checking your inboxes frantically wondering where I’ve been and why I haven’t been bitching about my Oprah Magazine not arriving yet (but it did, so yay!)

My eyeballs have had a weird, rashy, burnt, allergic-ky thing going on for the last 3 months, only to be made worse when I smeared Gold Bond Ointment all over them and burned the rest of my burnt skin off. It all came to an unsightly head when last Saturday my face swelled shut and I had to go to the ER. THANKFULLY, they prescribed me STEROIDS! Here is a reenactment of what happened:

                

That cart was full of all the steroids for me! Yum, yum, yum, crunch, crunch, crunch!

Anyways, today was the last day of the steroids, so we’ll see if me throwing away all my down comforters and furry blankets really solved the problem or if I’m just one of those people who one day woke up and decided they would be allergic to their own hair.

Pray for me, my children.

During the  experience, I found out that Zantac helps against allergic reactions! This is great because my diet is pure acid so I’m really killing two birds with 10lbs of western medicine. I think that’s how the phrase goes.

Well, I’ve taken enough Benadryl to skleeeerzzzppbuarewoberp. TIME FOR BED!

More less-medicated updates to come!

Love you, xoxox, take out the trash already you animal.

Am I a Forty-Four Year Old Woman?

I’ve compiled a list of things I do/have done/think that have lead me to believe that I am really a middle-aged woman. 

1) Subscribing to a wellness magazine.

2) That wellness magazine is Oprah’s “O” Magazine.

3) Enjoying a nice Julia Roberts film on a week night.

4) Started calling TV shows “programs”. Hey, have you ever seen that Everybody Love Raymond program?

5) Loud noises, please stop. Turn down the TV. Turn the radio off. SHUT UP.

6) I’ve spent  half my paycheck on various scents and sizes at The Yankee Candle Factory.

7) I keep a pack of Sucrets stashed in my car. And my purse. And my bra.

8) Gloria Estefan, amiright?

9) “I just think dressing conservatively is more tasteful.” -A statement I’ve made.

10) 8 o’clock bedtime! Let me just finish my glass of Turning Leaf!

Amen xoxox.