CHRISTMAASSSSSS

Christmas is coming! It’s almost here! HOORAY!

Christmas Eve is my fricken favorite. It’s warm and glowy in my house and lovely. Also lots of snacks. I really love snacks. Crackers, cheese, salami, pepperoni, pizza, nachos, ALL OF IT. And all on Christmas Eve. Christmas day was great in the morning because PRESENTS!!! but it always made me sad when it was over. When it’s just me and my snacks though, time stands still.

In other news, today is Keira Knightley Night. So was yesterday. Also everyday last week. Sorry to all my Pinterest followers who now have 563 pictures of Keira plastered all over their timelines. Keira forever. Love live the Knightley. Tonight’s Keira Knightley Night was “Last Night.” hehehe. I almost ralfed on my desk this morning, so I feel better now that I’m on my couch eating 20lbs of ravioli and finishing up Christmas cards. I’ll be posting the photos on Christmas Eve as to not ruin the surprise of the card recipients.

OKAY, KIDS. WHAT’S ON YOUR CHRISTMAS LIST THIS YEAR?! I want an XBox Live subscription.

k love you don’t forget to brush your hair to the right.

POKEYMANZ

I’ve reawakened my love for Pokemon the past few weeks. I’ve been watching the Indigo League seasons and wearing my new Pokemon hat every day because I’m a big fat freak. Anyone who comments on my hat and brings up how much they like Pokemon, I immediately have to challenge them to a Pokemon name-off. No one has taken me up on the offer and has swiftly walked away. It’s probably for the better, my competitive side is not sportsmanlike. Or ladylike. Or likable at all.

After the first Pokemon movie I drifted out of it. Just like I did after the Rugrats first movie. The movies always seem to derail the series. Get your new characters and weird new animation OUTTA MY FACE.

In other news, I’m writing out my Christmas cards. After I send them out, I’ll post the photos here as to not spoil the surprise.

SO. What’s yer favorite packymanz? I like Bulbasaur because he’s très adorable. Is he my number 1 hitter? No. But again, TRÈS ADORABLE. Are there any shows that got ruined for you after their movie or any particular turn (FOR THE WORSE?)

LET ME KNOW!

k bye i love you remember to wipe your butt.

Oh Fudge

Dear God please help me I just ate half a pound of cinnamon fudge. It feels like I dipped my teeth in glue then immediately dipped them in sand. My enamel is très healthy.

I’ve also been eating lasagna every day for lunch. In my new plan to “pay off all your debt from  those $40 Uber rides and $50 steak dinners you charged” I’ve been the recipient of many homemade dinners from my mom. LASAGNA 5 DAYS A WEEK MAN. LIVIN’ THE HIGH LIFE. *high five*

There’s two tons of green beans in my fridge that I’ve been trying to consume before they go bad. Green beans for BREAKFAST,  green beans for LUNCH, green beans for DINNER! When 300 green beans are in your fridge, you can eat green beans anytime! (That was obviously to the Bagel Bites jingle.)

Okay I’m tired I think the gas from all the green beans is putting me to sleep.

Bye love you don’t smell the cat

Are You Difficult?

I think I’m difficult. Not a highly attractive quality but I do as Agent Dale Cooper does and I give myself a gift EVERYDAY. Sometimes I give myself MULTIPLE gifts. Coffee. Ice Cream. Lots of TV shows. Magazines. The part that makes me “difficult” is that I ask or get myself what I want. But am I difficult or am I LEANING IN to get the extra piece of pie before anyone else gets it? (That’s what “leaning in” is, right? For food? You gotta lean in for food.)

In what ways are you difficult? Would you call yourself an obsessive personality?

I ask the second part because sometimes my obsessive trait stomps on the little fingers of my difficult trait. I want 400 of the same flannel and I’m going to leave the family party until I get them. Once I do, I will return to the family party but not until my thirst for flannel (or whatever) is quenched.

Have you ever made the mistake of wanting something and letting it go but then realizing you’ve made a grave mistake and can no longer reverse your decision? I try to avoid those moments. Not ALL of them or else this would be a blog about hoarding. ALSO this is not entirely on material items. I get the same way with writing. If I feel I haven’t been creative or let the tension of wanting to write something out, I get a big ball of stress in my chest until I make something of it. Hence this blog where I can dump my crap and humor onto you beloveds.

From a higher sense, maybe it stems from a portion of myself not being fulfilled. That’s when the minor inconveniences start screeching for my attention.

The radio has a commercial. The TV is slightly too loud. The lighting is too dim. Someone is talking to me about the weather.

JUST SHUT UP EVERYONE/THING/APPLIANCE.

Does this affect anyone else or am I just a giant asshole? I’m curious as to what minor inconveniences irritate you.

Okay I love you enjoy the bonfire of my heart.

FLASH POST! Driving Blind.

Quick post so I can go nappy-bye.

My frequent readers know that most my days are weird because I have my freak flag stapled to my chest BUT today had an extra sprinkle of “hmm…how unusual.”

I woke up in a shit mood because I had love dreams and I woke up and didn’t have a love reality. I didn’t feel so hot between a headache and my morning acid reflux so I threw back some alka seltzer and made a coffee (I’m REALLY GREAT at balancing acids and anti-acids!). I don’t remember getting dressed but I was in my car, peeling out on some wet leaves, burping up some hot remains of whatever acid I ate before bed.

It was rainy while I was driving to work so I had my new windshield wipers swishing. SWISH swish SWISH swish SWISH swish SWICCRRRRKKKKKKKKKKKKK.

My driver’s side windshield wipe cracked off and the jagged metal remains propelled it off into the road and under my back tire. GuhBUMbum.

I could see the car behind me crunching it under their tire. Cya later windshield wiper! RIP! Have a nice life! Drop me a line!

It was raining pretty heavily so I couldn’t stick my head out the driver’s side window. That and it’d get ripped off by the renegade MBTA buses they have Tokyo drifting in the streets. I’m pretty hunchy as it is (did I tell you a potential suitor asked if I had scoliosis? HE THOUGHT I HAD SCOLIOSIS) so I craned my neck to the passengers side.

I was in panic mode until I got to work, when I burst out laughing at the absurdity of annihilating my own new windshield wiper. Pulverized. Crunched to smithereens. Swish Swish Swish CLUNK annnndd there she gooooes goooodbyyyyeee!

Thankfully, I had my old wipers in the trunk in case of emergency. I spent 45 minutes searching YouTube for videos until I just read the (5) steps in the instruction manual- 3 of which include making sure you shut your car off before you run yourself over.

I changed it, crisis averted, christ has risen or something.

It was horrifying not being able to see or even pull the car over. That being said I’m really sorry if your pet cat, dog, or maybe even your husband don’t return home tonight, I forgot to check my wheel wells. My panic mode shuts down my peripheral vision and I’m pretty sure I was chanting something in Sanskrit. But I’m ALIVE and changed my own wiper because I’m big and strong.

OKAY! Flash post over. Thank you for reading.

k love you byyyee why do you always smell like bread?

500 Days of Flannel

The wolf in sheep’s flannel.

I’ve been investing in men’s clothing lately. Specifically in $16 men’s flannels at Macy’s WHO, by the way, leaves the heat on 500 degrees in all their department stores. By the time I made it to the Men’s Department on the second floor I had to duck behind some scarves and wipe my upper lip sweat on the hats and mittens.

I’m starting to believe I have what one would call an “obsessive” personality. That hint might have been dropped for you when I started my series of posts “Songs I Listen to Compulsively” (new addition coming up soon…lots of Hall & Oates in this household this month).

WELL m’dears, if you have not tried on the John Ashford flannel collection, YOU are surely missing out. So what if it makes my already fleshy triceps look like giant meaty turkey legs you’d likely only find at a Renaissance Faire? They may look big but you know, those turkey legs are also damn DELICIOUS. You have to make sacrifices for the great good sometimes. And that greater good is the comfort of knowing you have a fantastic and comfortable outfit you can wear 8 days in a row without repeating a pattern or getting questioned about your own personal hygiene.

AND THEY HAVE CHRISTMAS-ESQUE COLORS! Like most plaid flannels, the standard red/green/some other color make you look extra festive and definitely not obnoxious at all.

Speaking of obnoxious, it’s that time of year again…IT’S A VERY LOLO CHRISTMAS! Every year I bathe in the holiday spirit by soaking myself in a nice hot bath of humiliation. Well, I’m not embarrassed by it, but I’m sure my peers have picked up the slack on those reindeer reigns and are mortified for me. SEE BELOW.

Screen Shot 2014-11-19 at 9.08.00 PM

I really relish in stretching the bounds of my appearance. In other words, I’m not afraid of seeing how far I can go to make myself look like an asshole. Turns out, all it takes is my blowdryer and a Kmart clearance sweater!

Anyhonk, if I don’t get my 13 hours of sleep I just might crack. I’m going to go lay down in my nice, soft, pile of flannels and dream about buying Irish Springs body wash and shaving my face.

okay I love you and don’t forget to build a castle in the sands of time.

Your Sniffer!

SHORT POST TODAY!

I was standing in my kitchen when suddenly I got a whiff of Apple Jacks.

I’m not sure where the scent came from but in that moment I was consumed by my cinnamon-y enchantress. I immediately left and bought a box (and some Cinnamon Toast Crunch) and have been eating cereal every day for lunch and dinner. Update: My teeth have NOT fallen out yet.

After my sugary shame-eating, I started thinking about all the different types of smells that trigger strong emotional responses from me. In this case Apple Jacks = ENVY/LUST/SLOTH/WRATH.

Then there are scents like the shampoo I used in college which reminds me of when I starved myself for 3 months out of depression. Just image a little skeleton weeping softly onto her twin extra long mattress but with beautifully full and flowing hair. An emaciated Rapunzel, if you will.

The smell of Burt’s Bees Grapeseed and Honey Hand Lotion reminds me of when I got my first tattoo (it’s what they used to keep the burning dead flesh moisturized before it falls off). It also brings up the memories of what was going on at the time. What kind of hobbies I had, what restaurants I was going to consistently (obsessive personality, I just bought 5 flannels because I liked the first one I bought so obviously I needed ALL OF THEM), and obviously the glaring reality of WHO I WAS SECRETLY IN LOVE WITH at the time.

Sometimes I’ll get a whiff of what my first elementary school smelled like, which surprisingly isn’t barf and embarrassment. Maybe a little bit of embarrassment. Thank Christ I never barfed at school, I’d never be able to live that down. One time I got stuck in my school uniform after gym class (dresses are hard) and I sat in the bathroom and cried for 20 minutes (probably 2 minutes) until someone found me and dressed me. My mom did my hair until I was 14, lay off.

I really want to know, What scents bring back strong memories or feelings for you? Do you have a strong emotional connection from another one of your senses?

Jet fuel-ish smells makes me nervous that I’m going to get shoved onto a plane then shoved off it mid-flight. My heart rate just spiked thinking about.

I was listening to a guided mediation and the man narrating began by asking what dominates how you think. Do you think in pictures? Words? Do you react to smells more? Touch/physical feeling more? I have a big honker (toot toot, sniff sniff, where’s the Zicam?) so it came to no surprise that smell came easier to me than trying to “taste” something. Also, I definitely think in words more than pictures because pictures I end up morphing into something sexual because I’m a pre-teen boy trapped in a 25 year old woman’s body. Hehe.

Okay it’s time for bed I love you I can smell you from across the internet with my nose wow is that Irish Springs?