“Yes And” Your Way to a Promotion*†!

Boss got you down with his latest fribble-frabble nonsense boss talk?

“You’ve been 20 minutes late every day to work but still put down your overtime when you work 5 minutes passed close.”


Your boss will be so taken back by your leadership skills, he’ll blankly stare at you (obviously impressed) and never doubt your superiority again!

Kooky coworker questioning your choice to hang up on a client with no valid reason other than they were boring the fuck out of you?


If Suzy gets cute and tries to follow up with “…and it’s incredibly inappropriate and not tolerated here” simply place your hand over Suzy’s scrunchy little face and give a gentle love push. Just enough to show YOUR authority but just little enough so she doesn’t call THE authorities. If done correctly, she’ll be overcome with how bold and charming you are and she’ll be totally cool about it.

Tired of a hard mornings work and you’re trying to enjoy a nice sandwich in the breakroom when Tony from HR tries to kill your vibes? “But you’re eating my sandwich—“


Don’t mistakeTony’s horrified look for weakness. He’s a snake and snakes can only be killed by shoving sandwiches down their throats. Survival 101. You’re welcome.

*The author of this list cannot be held accountable for any jobs terminated from following the aforementioned instructions. Author must receive 10% of any promotion money earned if acquired.

†Not the be confused with the building block phrase “yes and” that nurtures a healthy and constructive improvisation environment.

Like these tips and want more? Check out our full list of tips from the hot book “Yes And” Your Way to a Promotion, now featured on Amazon Prime!

There’s No Food in the House

Very sparingly do I go food shopping. When I do it’s just a flash of me running around Market Basket at 8:57pm on a Wednesday and shoving frozen, microwaveable green beans into my Cynthia Rowley (Marshall’s, amiright?) roll-y bag. The green beans are my vegetable source and Pepe’s 99-cent cheese ravioli is my super source of protein. For fruits I smell my Red Apple Wreath Yankee Candle. I’m sure there are plenty more food groups but I choose not to acknowledge them in fear that I’m either significantly malnourished and horrifically overindulgent depending on which group we examine.

My current status is hot chocolate which only comes after the five pieces of toast and three cups of vegetable soup I slaved over (it was prepackaged but I added the tomato sauce [we didn’t have stewed or diced] and stirred it lovingly).

I also took a shower for the first time in three days. Nothing perks a woman up like the sound of her Irish Spring body wash spurting onto her questionably old loofah. I’m sure there’s a replacement date suggested on the tag but it’s still the same color as when I bought it (I imagine). The shower was a couple hours ago and I still haven’t lotioned any crevice of my body. I’m typing and skin flakes are flurrying around my keyboard as my dry knuckles hammer up and down. If I lived in one of those allergy protection bubbles, I’d make a real killing on my side act as human snow globe. Très dramatic as I’m listening to the king of depression, Bobby Vinton. Real Lifetime movie material. WOO.

Anyways, time to go straighten my hair. I can smell my 450 degree flat iron burning into my dresser. The scent of old burning hair really helps me sleep at night.


My Eyeballs are Flaking Off

Hello Children of the Corn!

I’m an idiot. This may not come as a surprise to some of you (most of you [all of you]) but I’ve nearly burnt my eyes off my face. Some would say it’s a rash but I’d describe it more as a “severe, grotesque, chemical burn from Satan himself.”

It’s not really my eyeballs but my eyelids have grown reptilian. A cross between the X-Files “Office Monster” and a hot shedding snake. Every time I blink it feels like my eyelids are little window shades made of sunburns.

Being the medical GENIUS that I am, I decided to prescribe myself generous doses of GoldBond Anti-Itch Cream to be applied directly to my broken and dry eyelids. To really ease the pain of burning and irritated skin, add menthol and hydrocortisone directly to the infected area and put your head between your legs. You’ll be fine and great*.


A lovely lady at Nordstrom slapped some $300 La Mer cream on my face in order to heal my self-inflicted 3rd degree burns. Apparently it was made by a mad scientist who had a kelp fetish and liked to heat it up in his microwave and rub it on his burns. Now Jennifer Anniston rubs it on her face so she can no longer age because the cream has a time-halting curse on it. I’m really into facts about important things.

I ended up accepting a doctor’s appointment at 8:15AM which I always seem to do because I am afraid to tell the receptionist that I need 14 hours of sleep and can’t possibly be up any time before brunch. I always make time for brunch. I did not make take for brunch at 8:15AM when the doctor was telling me to avoid any heavy creams with menthol and hydrocortisone in them. Whoops. Now I’m smearing lactic acid on my eyes and in a shocking turn of events it’s supposed to burn the dry burnt skin away.

Well, it’s time to go put some acidic moo-juice on my eyes and rest peacefully in my slumber. Pray for me.

I’m in Bed Already, God Bless America

It’s not even 10PM yet and I’m perfecting my nest. I’ve gathered my pillows and bits of hair and twigs that I can wrap myself in to keep warm. I was getting punchy there for a while so instead of using the $30 firming night cream I bought, I dumped a bunch of lavender massage oil in my hands and greased my face up. I’m feeling relaxed.

The downside to being in bed is now that I’m thirsty, trekking the 20ft to get the Brita filter seems unbearable. I could take the 10ft walk to the bathroom and use the tap water there but it’s been leaving red marks in the sink. At least I think that’s from the water but I have been flossing lately.

Anyways, I’m still hyped up on candy since Halloween. Everyday I treat myself to some leftover candy because I NEVER* treat myself! (*And the lie detector determined that was a lie).

Did I tell you I am in love with the guy who works at the gas station down the street from my house? I bet he likes candy too. I’m not sure if he has a girlfriend, wife, boyfriend, or husband but I imagine we would lay together in my nest and feed each other KitKats and Whoopers. The burger not the candy. I’ll let you know if I make any headway in Operation: Let’s Be Gross.

Today was weird. Was today weird for you? Tell me how it was weird for you. I want to know. You’re special to me.

K I love you, yellow looks nice on you.

Let’s Talk about Me More

Although I talk about me all the time, I don’t talk really talk about ME. I started writing a post earlier but realized it was going to take some more time thinking it through* (*requires more concentration than being in front of the TV with cookie butter trying to write it for 6 hours).

I’m going to do a short series every so often of traits and quirks that I think are either funny or too stupid not to share. Don’t worry about Songs I Listen to Compulsively. I’ve been stuck on the same set of songs for a while now but I feel a change in the air.

Anyways, let’s get to it. Here are some things:

1) I recently realized that I hate everything in my wardrobe. A lot of people say this, but I pinpointed the issue. I love bright colorful things but wearing them isn’t how I want to express myself. If you haven’t picked up on it, I enjoy expressing myself in many mediums. I am currently working what I WANT to wear into my wardrobe. Read: Lots of black and lots of leather. Not like a biker. But in a “New Yorkers understand my affection for everything tight and black with some leather pants, hooray” mentality. It might seem obvious but I knew I wasn’t comfortable but I couldn’t figure out how I loved something so much and hate the way it made me feel.

2) I have two tattoos. The first one is a yellow rose as a tribute to my Nana who loved yellow roses. I’m thinking of adding more and making it a half sleeve. I would love a blue rose in the sleeve, as a nod to Twin Peaks/Fire Walk with Me. My second tattoo is of a U.F.O. and is a symbol of a lot of things. After I got out of a long relationship, I realized I didn’t really have my own identity left. I boarded myself up into my room and used the X-Files as a crutch. It was something I had for myself. Also, my Nana and Dad LOVED the X-Files and I remember them watching it (and me cowering in fear behind the recliner, peaking out to see what was happening on TV). It’s also a little homage to them and those times. It’s also my symbol for being weird. I get told I’m a little weirdo a lot. Thankfully, I am aware of it AND I don’t try to use it as my little niche thing. I don’t try and heighten in the make myself stand out more. It’s just me! And last but not least, it’s also a companionSHIP (get it?!) to my friend Ryan’s tattoo. He and I both got our U.F.O’s together, so it’s just a cool thing that they are totally different designs, but come from the same muse (X-FIles).

3) I once gave David Sedaris a typed story I wrote about the time I pissed into an almond jar while boxed in during traffic on the highway.

4) Yes, it’s true. I had to piss in the almond jar. It was either that or a Teddy Graham’s box.

5) When I go out for drinks, I have to suck my drink down within the first 2 minutes of ordering it. I don’t know why but I get antsy.





Okay, it’s my bed time. K LOVE YOU BYE!


My mother has a video on her phone that she sent me. I do not get embarrassed easily. This past week one of my coworkers didn’t knock on the bathroom door and I fell off the toilet and onto my  hands and knees with my pants around my ankles trying to prevent her from coming in. Doesn’t shake me. 

But this video is from my cousin’s crazy awesome wedding. It was taken after I spent 45 minutes trying not to throw-up the 5 sparkling wines I threw back. My face was broken out in hives from wearing a dress made of what I can only assume now was cheesecloth and tulle. On top of the hives was a sheen (I think gel is more appropriate) of sweat, glistening with every light beam bouncing off it.  

I am screaming. I am jumping. I am ferociously vogueing (Paris is Burning, not Madonna) but with no purpose to my actions. My eyes are looking in two different directions. I’m slurring the words to “Love Shack” yet still maintaining a constant guttural sound like one I imagine Jane came to know in her days spent with Tarzan. 

Watching the video, I laughed so hard I peed my pajama capris. Tears pooled out of the corners of my eyes but I think that was more out of disappointment that I thought I was doing a GREAT job. Everyone was cheering and clapping. Yeah, Lo. No wonder everyone was clapping…there was a little monkey girl dancing for peanuts and one dollar bills! I like one dollar bills though. Keep thrown’ those. 

Somewhere inside, I think I secretly hope more videos and pictures come out to validate my existence of a truly absurd expression of human life. 

In other news, it’s Otis Redding’s birthday today. Watch this and be dreamy. 

Ok I love you <3

Songs I Listen to Compulsively: Episode 3

Three songs for EPISODE 3.

For the past week and a half, I’ve been playing THREE songs compulsively.
As always, YouTube clips are linked in the titles. LET’S GET TO IT. 

I Go to Sleep- Sia

Off her 2008 album “Some People Have Real Problems.” I first heard this song about a year ago and kept forgetting to download it. I’ve finally done that this week.
Rate of Play: Four times today.
WHY: It’s dreamy and depressing. The diction is almost non-existence but it fits. The kind of song you lay in bed and close your eyes to and roll around while lip syncing to it. At the beginning you’re mumbling sadly along with her and then before you know it you’re screeching to it in your car while running over pedestrians in the crosswalk.

One of the Boys-Katy Perry

From her first album of the same name. I ignored this song until last Saturday when I found the CD wedged between the seat of my car. I thought the intro was obnoxious and would skip it. OH HOW WRONG I WAS. I may have the vibrato of Scuttle (Lil’Nernaid [Little Mermaid]) 

Rate of Play: 3-6 times a day.  

WHY: “I swear maybe one day you’re gonna wanna make out with me.” The perils of being a little sister to an older brother. You’re permanently convinced you’re everyone’s  LITTLE SISTER FOREVER. Maybe no one will want to make out with you for the rest of your life because you’re dweeb. Am I right, little sisters? Shout out to my beloved Kelly T.   I also enjoy the drums in this song. 

Train in Vain- The Clash

Rate of Play: Twice a day for the rest of my life.

WHY: The intro riff makes some unknown chemical shoot down my spine and it forces me to blissfully flail around my room. Either that or it perfectly matches my heartbeat. IDK. SCIENCE.



WTF Podcast with Marc Maron. Guest Mike Myers. 

You’ll want to sit in silence for the rest of the day.