Posted in Read Me

Don’t Steal My Beanie Babies Plz

Hooray! Four day weekend came to a close which makes me sad but also I had about 47 coconut macaroons so I think it ended on a high  note.

I rejoined OKCupid which was the worst idea I’ve had in a while. I know in my soul that I am not going to meet anyone on there because I’m afraid they’re going to find out where I live and steal all my Beanie Babies. HOWEVER, I still like the opening messages like “Hi, what nationality are you?” and “I want you to make me dinner” are worth reviewing for a little while longer.

As far passion projects, I’ve been working more on my standup which is good because usually my method is: sign up for a show, don’t practice until the day of, suck a fair amount, then shrug and say “well I didn’t really try so it wasn’t really me sucking.” Excellent business model!

Countdown to my annual Christmas/Holiday/Seasonal card. Also hooray! Photos will come once they are all sent out. WHICH IS 100+ THIS YEAR AND I NEED HELP BUYING A BILLION STAMPS. Das alotta cheese to spend on some stickers. BUT WORTH IT.

Okay, I’m tired, I just had a popcorn dinner with a hot chocolate dessert.

bye! xxoxooxaksdfjksdhfjksd

Posted in Read Me


hi friends

It’s fall which means I have dumped a disproportionate amount of activities onto my own lap because I love fall and running around and doing so many things at once that I become so overwhelmed and tired that I end up not doing any of them, YAY!

Among the activities are reading every book I own, writing a book (why not), learning bass, taking two astronomy courses, writing new stand up material, and learning to knit. Again, Yay!

anyways, I wanted to check in. I’ve been going to bed early because I don’t understand how to function anymore.

okay love you bye!

Posted in Read Me

Songs I Listen to Compulsively (9/18)

Heeeeeey friends!

I’m getting ready to take a choo-choo to Colorado so I’ve been curating my playlist for my railway adventures. My iPhone has reached its two year mark which means the battery drains if I even LOOK AT IT.  To avoid any extra clicking and searching in Spotify during my riiiiiIiiIiide, I’ve been adding songs like a loony tune. Naturally, I’ve added some songs I’ve listened to a bafillion times this week so, You know the drill, links are in the titles.


Chances Are  – Johnny Mathis  I had loooooong ignored this song but the other day I was standing at the kitchen sink,staring out the window, and it came out and it was soo loooovely. It’s one of those songs you hear in the background 400,000 times in your life you already know the words and because it seeps into you0r unconscious mind. Well at least I thought it was until I found out I only know  the part that says”chances are” but HAHA it’s in my range so I just sang a bunch of garbage words and it was pretty okay. There apparently is also a movie with Robert Downey Jr. that features the song but I have not seen  it yet but maybe it doesn’t even exist at all, who knows? Also I probably ignored this song for so long because his song “Wonderful, Wonderful” was featured in the XFiles episode “Home” and if you have any idea what I’m talking about then you know, fuck that song.

I’ve Finally Found Someone – Barbara Streisand and Bryan Adams

Apparently there is also a movie that goes along with this song which I haven’t seen but Jeff Bridges is in it so it must be great. Also I have never seen Google be more consistent with their answers than this (picture below). I completely forgot about this song until I found a mix CD I made in 8th grade had this as it’s closer. Heavy stuff for a fourteen year old. Every time this song comes on my Spotify I have to play it 3+ times, 1) to sing his part, 2) to sing her part, 3) to sing a mix of both of their parts, and maybe another few times just because this is AMERICA. Why, even just now I listened to it four times while writing this paragraph for it. Hooray!



Thinkin Bout You – Frank Ocean  Yeah, I am waaaaaaaaaayyyyyyy late on this train but after some recent enlightenment I am very on board. This was his most played song on Spotify (to which I’m sure you are all saying “yeah we know”) so I gave it a little peeksiesqueaksiedoodledoo and then I just never stopped singing it. Especially the SNL performance that I linked above that has John Mayer on guitar (???) and lots of video games. Anyways, I have arrived and I am sorry I was so late. He crunched my heart up when he was featured on Beyonce’s Superpower which you should watch because zooeymama it’s good. But hey I just realized my shorts are inside out. Nothing to do with this and no segue but it’s just how it is.


alrighhhhttty.. I hope you all are having a lovely weekend and that all your dreams come true. I love you, bye xox smooch smooch 143 xo

Posted in humor, Read Me

Hernia Sue

Hello! I’ve been bedridden for a week, let’s check out my sores together!

Last Friday as the day was wrapping up at work I started to feel a little… ill. I figured it might be my body winding down from a busy week and with the weekend in sight I might’ve been letting go of holding myself so tightly all week. There was a comedy show I reeeeeaaaaaalllllllly wanted to go to, so I got home and laid in bed in hopes it would go away. When it came time to get dressed I was sweating and swallowing hard. Haha! Must just be the weather making me crazy!, I thought as I was hunched over snapping the crotch of my bodysuit and mouth breathing.

The whole ride over I sipped seltzer water and blasted the A/C on my face. You’re okay old girl! It’s just nerves about going to a super fun event!,  I tried to asure myself as I burped and gurgled and barely held the seltzer down.

It didn’t help that it was 90 degrees and humid as fuck, like the kind in a steam room that makes you hack your lungs out onto your towel-laden sisters. Why bother even going, Lauren? Why not just stay home? Becccccaaaauuuuuuuse, I said I reaaaaallllyy wanted to go. Going out to shows gives me a sickening personal high, between the performers, the people in the crowd who I fucking love and admire (and I get to call some of them frenz!), I get VERY jazzed about it. So cue me 5mins into standing and watching the show being like “I’m gonna ralf” and booking it out of there in a whirlwind. Torture is waiting for the goddamn WALK sign to turn on before I start running into the middle of the street. I felt like a giant asshole too. I have a complex where I assume everyone is watching and scrutinizing my every move. I wanted to run back in and scream I’M NOT LEAVING BECAUSE I HAVE BETTER THINGS TO DO, I’M LEAVING BECAUSE OH-OH GOOYAARFFLARBAGARFLURF*” (*me throwing up).

I went home and slept until Sunday morning. THAZ ALOTTA SLEEP. I kept getting a weird cramp  that felt like my liver was shriveling and squeezing itself out through my rib cage. I was tempted to call my brother to bring me to the ER as I was sweating bullets and had the spins, but I was so goddamn tired that I just cried and fell back to sleep like an idiot annnnnd also my health insurance really only covers the flowers they will send my family at my funeral so what can I do, y’know?

I ended up going to the conveniently located Arlington Urgent Care (it replaced a Bagelville, R.I.P., they had a great vegetable spread) and they were very lovely and were like “uhhh here is some Prilosec OTC and nausea medication, go the fuck to sleep there’s a stomach bug going around.” I worked from home Monday and went in on Tuesday, left early Tuesday because I thought I was gonna die, and went into work Wednesday, sat in the dark because the lights are generally upsetting, and cried at my desk like dumb tart. I should mention I rarely cry unless it’s to a song or a movie. This post is making me out to be a blubberpus but I’m noooooot, goddammit I’m NOT. By God’s sweet divine gracias, my chiropractor said he’d see me, so I drove 60+miles for him to be like “Jesus Christ you have a giant hiatal hernia in your chest” and promptly stuffed his fingers under my ribcage and ripped it out. I suggest finding a chiropractor who knows how to do this stuff because other than that it’s SURGERY which still doesn’t really relieve the pain, or so I am told by Dr. Internet (not a real person, or maybe it is, I don’t know). Also I am not a doctor and don’t want to be because ewww icky so if you need a surgery go get it, baby.

Soooo, I didn’t drive back to my house after the appointment and ended up sleeping at my mom’s house (conveniently located near the chiropractor). I worked from her house Thursday, drove up to work Friday morning with a lunch cooler that looked like my liver was in there (as seen below).

my hernia

I like driving up to work in the morning because I have to leave in the wee hours. It’s quiet, dark, and the dew on the grass and in the air smells ever so lovely. Thankfully, I survived the day and went back home to mom’s house after. Just me and the open road again trying not to dry heave and listening to Liz Gilbert’s books on tape (or “audiobooks” as the kids call them.) An enema or two later, I’m back to being at least upright for the week, hooray!

Hope you all enjoyed your Labor Day weekend where people keep saying it’s the last day of summer but it’s not, did you see this week’s forecast it’s like fuckin’ 90 and raining fireballs. I don’t like talking about the weather because it’s the same (but worse, because science) every year, SO WHY DO WE COMPLAIN, WE KNOW IT’S COMING, YOU DON’T HAVE TO TALK TO YOUR COWORKERS ABOUT IT, WE KNOW.

Okay, time to pack it up since I’m still at my mom’s house pretending I have no obligations in this earthly realm, BYYYYYE.

smooch 143 xox




Posted in Read Me

Songs I Listen to Compulsively (8/28)

Hello! I’ve been laying in my bed for 18hours, let’s take a look at what I’ve listening to 48,000 times.

Dedicated To The One I Love – The Mamas & The Papas

I love this video so much I could crap gold and sell it to countryfolk. The mismatched lipsyncing, the expressive hand gestures, the fucking hat, ALL OF IT. Plus, the song is delightful and sad and exciting. A recipe for the perfect song which the end game is to make me feel every emotional

Real Love – Beach House

Whew boy. This is one of those songs I image myself dying to, but in a movie scene way where I look pale but still darling because all my inner beauty is pouring out through my face like a sunbeam ready to blind your family. For me, this is one of those songs that makes my heart hurt in both a sad and appreciative way. I have never gotten through this song without at least one little tear working its way out.

I Finally Found Someone – Barbara Streisand & Bryan Adams

Yeah, I don’t know either. I heard it on the radio the other day for the first time in probably 10 years. Perfect timing because I went through my room at my mom’s house and found a mix cd I made with this song as it’s closer. Heavy stuff for a preteen who used to go home and watch Garfield & Friends.

Sara – Stevie Nicks (Live)

I didn’t give this song enough credit in the past, goddamit. I keep hearing this version of it and every time I’m like “I didn’t give this song enough credit in the past, goddamit.” So here I am, giving it credit because I’m the authority on that kind of thing now? Yeesh.

Okay! There we have it. Songs n’ Bongs. Or something.

Goodnight! 143 xo smooch

Posted in Read Me

Down a Mountain

I went ziplining! Why? Because when it’s on Groupon it’s okay to do things you wouldn’t normally do for a reasonable price!

I’m an “indoor girl” but having the opportunity to go to New Hampshire and sniff some pinecones sounded fun. Usually I get anxious and have topical dreams in the days before entering a situation I’m unfamiliar with but this was one of the few times I’ve had nerve-wracking dreams AFTER the event occurred. I guess I wasn’t expecting to be ziplining down from the top of a mountain but then again, I have no idea what I thought it was. Maybe one of those backyard ziplines your neighbors you’re not really close to had but you still invited yourself over to play on it anyways.

But this wasn’t six feet off the ground. It was twenty-two hundred feet (plus) in the air, so almost a half mile, on a cord with your mouth open screaming and inhaling bugs on the way down. Well, I was screaming, no one else was which may be because you can control your own speed by yanking on a wooden handle bar and I yanked mine to 90mph. When you’re going that fast, you’re slamming into the wind and it whips you around so you’re spinning mid-air on your little cord. I made it though! It was interesting how silent it was when you move up into the mountains. To get up to the platforms you have to literally climb a spiral staircase into the sky. Halfway up you start walking into mist and clouds and can’t see anything but white. Kind of like the Republican National Convention. ZING!

Although it scared the shit out of me, I would probably go again. Maybe not eat the deep fried chocolate croissant before though.


Okay! I have some Reductress articles that were posted so I will be sharing those periodically!

Thank you goodnight love you smooch smooch xo 143 bye

Posted in Read Me

Oracle Boracle 

Sunday Night Notes:

Oh friends, as mentioned a couple times previously, I sometimes have a “sensitivity” when it comes to death or accidents that are about to happen. Sometimes I’m aware of them a few weeks or days prior and get a heavy feeling in my chest that something sad might happen. Other times  I just am thinking of seemingly random thoughts that eventually string together and make sense. 

The latter happened the other day when I woke up and immediately started thinking about hot air balloons and remembering a story I heard about a hot air balloon crash about 5 years ago. I had an image of a man crouching in the basket and wondered if the impact would still be too much to survive or if the deflated balloon material fell into basket, the weight would be too heavy on the human body. Again, these were my first thoughts. No phone, no TV, no exposure. 

I became aware of how much time I was thinking about it and thought “Why the hell are you thinking about this, get up.” I went into the kitchen and opened my laptop and first on the homepage was the breaking news about the fatal hot air balloon accident in Texas. Ooooookay.

 A little stunned I got up and went to throw laundry in while the washers were still free and to shake off whatever the hell that was. I unloaded the basket into the washer and as I tossed in the last armful, a sweater I haven’t seen in months (and to be honest, forgot I owned) fell to the  bottom of my 3ft tall hamper. 

“Oh god.” 

Of course it was the one item I own that has hot air balloons plastered on the front. Now, it doesn’t have to mean anything but out of all the things I own, out of all the laundry, out of all the colors/fabrics I could have picked go wash, out of all the items that I was loading, it was that one that fell out at that time. 

The universe and its synchronicities will never get old for me. Whether you feel there’s particular meaning for them or if it’s the acknowledgement that you saw the universal nod, or boil it down the coincidences, you have to admit it’s strange and also exciting.

Have you ever had any synchronicities or unexplained knowing? Tell me, I love that shit.

Okay, goodnight & smooches 143xo 💋