I would’ve rejected this list too.

More Confessions from Lance Armstrong

His name isn’t Lance.

He uses invisible training wheels.

He’s never been to France.

He smells.

He has crappy bracelets.

He’s never ridden with Look no-hands, Ma!!!

He has a big dumb face.

He was never a member of  *NSYNC.

Louis Armstrong isn’t his grandfather.

He doesn’t believe in handle bar streamers and motorcycle noises.

He doesn’t let his kids ride Huffy’s.

He’s never ridden a bike.

Matthew McConaughey  ate his removed testicle to retain infinite youth and beauty.