I’ve been listening to a lot of Moby lately and doing tribal dances around my office, yet I still haven’t been able to come up with a good topic for today. I was working on a joke, but I haven’t figured out how to cram it into 140 characters, so let’s talk.
I see nothing wrong with wanting to make yourself more physically attractive, as long as you’re not hurting yourself or cutting someone else’s face off their skull and putting it on yours. I mean, unless you do it in a way that wins you an Academy Award, then who am I to say. But J. Christ, there are colored contacts out there that are making fine young people look like mutant demons that extract souls for nourishment. Granted, there are some LOVELY shades out there, but if Pinterest has taught me anything (aside from how to weave a basket out of dolphin hairs, with my feet, for the baby’s room) it’s that this is a growing trend that we might not be able to stop until we all have freaky Coraline button eyes. With every makeup tutorial I search, more and more of these raptor eyes are staring out from underneath 4-inch horsehair eyelashes. There’s something in those jagged, pea-sized pupils unfazed by the light of the iPhone flash, that is so stark and emotionless, that I felt the need to warn all of you.