My Bum Hurts

Hi my beautiful children of the web! I hope your weekend doesn’t stink like poopy buttcracks. Last night I got the opportunity to skate around with a roller derby team. It was fun but now I can’t walk. Apparently an important rule for skating is you probably shouldn’t keep your legs rigor mortis while you clench your asscheeks like if you were keeping a grenade from dropping. This may be the first time I used the word grenade and it wasn’t meant to be a metaphor for poop, although it too would apply. Miraculously, I pulled myself together this morning and went to the mall for 6 hours and spent $300 on stuffed animals, ice cream, and blouses I can’t fit into my drawer. I also bought black lipstick which I will wear whenever I’m feeling especially moody but my lips are too tired to pout. All the yammering I do during the day to my kitties gets tiring, you know. I’ll also smear it on when I’m playing my XBOX so I can feel a little more badass.

In more pressing news, tomorrow I’m going to see David Sedaris and make him my bride. Some of my friends I’ve told suggested that I write up a short story for him. I have one in the works about how I had to piss in an almond jar while driving, so even if he wipes his ass with it because it’s so terrible, at least we’ll be bonded through the written word.

Enjoy the rest of your night/morning my little kumquats. Until we meet again.

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