Ok Cupid 

I unintentionally joined a dating site and I already feel ashamed about it.

I signed up originally to look at the format first hand, so I made my profile picture Enrico Palazzo (aka Frank Drebin from The Naked Gun) and answered all the questions with “singing the Star Spangled Banner.”

Unfortunately, the admins quickly realized I was not a screenshot of an early 90s movie and removed my photo for me. 

I added a normal picture but left all the patriotic answers to ward off predators (turns out, it was more of a lure than deterrent). My inbox filled up with fifty plus, 50+ geezers  asking if I wanted to be treated like a princess, to which I replied with a delicate “no you fucking freak.”

Not really. I’m not that mean and I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feeling so the block button became my best line of defense. Even still the messages kept coming from avatars of shirtless chumps commenting on how they liked how athletic I looked. If you’re wondering if I’m athletic is any capacity, here’s the resounding “no.” Also, my hair and forehead take up most of the photo.

I downloaded to app. Deleted the app. Downloaded the app again. Paid for premium content. Disabled my account. Deleted the app. Reactivated my account and now considering downloading the app again. I think I’m better off creating my own site “OkCoopid” and just post a bunch of pictures of hens. 

Anyways, I’m five minutes away from deleting my account again because I much rather meet someone while I’m kicking down the door of the men’s bathroom at Nordstrom because the cleaning crew blocked off the women’s room. Isn’t that how everyone wants it?

Anyways, I love you bye eat grapes they taste good preferably the purple no seeds.

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