My Arm Almost Came Off and I Lived to Tell the Tale

Hey childrens,

This week in Things I Have Done to Injure Myself in Dramatic and Stupid Ways, I nearly got my arm chopped off.

While I was trying to tuck my giant desk-sized coloring books behind the couch and the wall, I dropped them from too high up and the force made them slide a bit under the couch. I knelt on the couch and peered down the back, my forehead against the wall.

Ah! I’ll just stick my arm down there and pull them back up so they are standing!

Well, when I stuck my left arm down the back of the couch, I must’ve pushed my body weight against the back of the couch, pinning my arm between the wall and the wood frame. I knew something was wrong when my hand began immediately began to pulse and the blood rushed to my fingers.

Wow, this a lot of pain for a coloring book rescue mission.

I tried to pull my arm out but with every tug it felt more and more like my arm was in  a vice-grip or like when the doctor takes your blood pressure and tries to pump your arm until it explodes.

I tried to to use my right arm and pull the back of the couch quickly enough to free the other. Unfortunately, this couch has had a real sour attitude ever since we accidentally dropped it down a flight of stairs while moving in.

After about of minute of panic and wondering if my roommate would find my dead body hanging over the couch, I tried to use my body weight and shift the couch opposite of how I body slammed it against one of my extremities. Too bad the two front feet of the couch were firmly placed on our short haired carpet. Sure, I could push the couch and the back legs would slide on the tile but pulling it against the carpet was not happening. I was defeated.

127
Here I am sawing my arm out of from behind my couch.

So, did a super hunk hear my cries for help and kick down my door and ripped the couch from underneath me?

Obviously not, you big dummy!

But I did rip a generous amount of skin off while pulling it out. I tried to manipulate the ever-so-delicate, non-muscle parts of my arm (read: squished my arm fat around) but it just felt like my bone was snapping in half when I moved it. I did have a nice little dry heave and .03 second black out BUT I MADE IT! And I guess now I have a scar I can make up cool stories about.

Do you have any scars with interesting and possibly not true stories? Did you really just drop your coloring books down the back of your couch?

PLEASE TELL ME ABOUT THEM!

K I love you and also brownies. GOODNIGHT!

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