Don’t Shit the Bed (and Other Scary Thoughts)

This week in Things That Have Scared the Shit Out of Me, I’m happy to report that while in a dead sleep at 3:32am this morning, my curtains ejected off the wall and onto my sleeping head. For just a tension rod holding up a sheet of plastic, it sounded like the Titanic smashed through my bedroom window.

You know when people say  to “follow your gut” and you don’t and it’s terrible? WELL, my gut told me three times last night to shut off my window alarm before I went to bed. It’s pretty sensitive so rattling can set it off and THANK GOD I listened and shut it off. Had that thing gone off last night I would’ve pissed in my bed, no questions asked. It has a piercing chirp sound that is so loud that it’s disorienting. When I was setting it up and accidentally set it off, I stared at it, ears pulsing, and lost all ability to read the ONE switch that can either be pushed On” or “Off.” Needless to say I am thankful I did not have to use my rubber sheets this time.

The curtain falling down has happened before and it’s never during the day or some time a little more convenien like not through the hours of 10:30PM and 7:30AM. I ended up nailing thumbtacks through the sheet hanging it over my window. I call it “Asymmetrical on a Budget.” I hung it horribly so one side is about a foot higher and is letting so much light in I might actually crawl out of my cave and go outside and roll in some dirt.

Anyways, I’ve yawned 437 times in 30 seconds so I love you, smooch smooch, and higher a contractor, handy man, or personal decorator for all your curtain needs amen.

 

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