Hernia Sue

Hello! I’ve been bedridden for a week, let’s check out my sores together!

Last Friday as the day was wrapping up at work I started to feel a little… ill. I figured it might be my body winding down from a busy week and with the weekend in sight I might’ve been letting go of holding myself so tightly all week. There was a comedy show I reeeeeaaaaaalllllllly wanted to go to, so I got home and laid in bed in hopes it would go away. When it came time to get dressed I was sweating and swallowing hard. Haha! Must just be the weather making me crazy!, I thought as I was hunched over snapping the crotch of my bodysuit and mouth breathing.

The whole ride over I sipped seltzer water and blasted the A/C on my face. You’re okay old girl! It’s just nerves about going to a super fun event!,  I tried to asure myself as I burped and gurgled and barely held the seltzer down.

It didn’t help that it was 90 degrees and humid as fuck, like the kind in a steam room that makes you hack your lungs out onto your towel-laden sisters. Why bother even going, Lauren? Why not just stay home? Becccccaaaauuuuuuuse, I said I reaaaaallllyy wanted to go. Going out to shows gives me a sickening personal high, between the performers, the people in the crowd who I fucking love and admire (and I get to call some of them frenz!), I get VERY jazzed about it. So cue me 5mins into standing and watching the show being like “I’m gonna ralf” and booking it out of there in a whirlwind. Torture is waiting for the goddamn WALK sign to turn on before I start running into the middle of the street. I felt like a giant asshole too. I have a complex where I assume everyone is watching and scrutinizing my every move. I wanted to run back in and scream I’M NOT LEAVING BECAUSE I HAVE BETTER THINGS TO DO, I’M LEAVING BECAUSE OH-OH GOOYAARFFLARBAGARFLURF*” (*me throwing up).

I went home and slept until Sunday morning. THAZ ALOTTA SLEEP. I kept getting a weird cramp  that felt like my liver was shriveling and squeezing itself out through my rib cage. I was tempted to call my brother to bring me to the ER as I was sweating bullets and had the spins, but I was so goddamn tired that I just cried and fell back to sleep like an idiot annnnnd also my health insurance really only covers the flowers they will send my family at my funeral so what can I do, y’know?

I ended up going to the conveniently located Arlington Urgent Care (it replaced a Bagelville, R.I.P., they had a great vegetable spread) and they were very lovely and were like “uhhh here is some Prilosec OTC and nausea medication, go the fuck to sleep there’s a stomach bug going around.” I worked from home Monday and went in on Tuesday, left early Tuesday because I thought I was gonna die, and went into work Wednesday, sat in the dark because the lights are generally upsetting, and cried at my desk like dumb tart. I should mention I rarely cry unless it’s to a song or a movie. This post is making me out to be a blubberpus but I’m noooooot, goddammit I’m NOT. By God’s sweet divine gracias, my chiropractor said he’d see me, so I drove 60+miles for him to be like “Jesus Christ you have a giant hiatal hernia in your chest” and promptly stuffed his fingers under my ribcage and ripped it out. I suggest finding a chiropractor who knows how to do this stuff because other than that it’s SURGERY which still doesn’t really relieve the pain, or so I am told by Dr. Internet (not a real person, or maybe it is, I don’t know). Also I am not a doctor and don’t want to be because ewww icky so if you need a surgery go get it, baby.

Soooo, I didn’t drive back to my house after the appointment and ended up sleeping at my mom’s house (conveniently located near the chiropractor). I worked from her house Thursday, drove up to work Friday morning with a lunch cooler that looked like my liver was in there (as seen below).

my hernia
Delicious.

I like driving up to work in the morning because I have to leave in the wee hours. It’s quiet, dark, and the dew on the grass and in the air smells ever so lovely. Thankfully, I survived the day and went back home to mom’s house after. Just me and the open road again trying not to dry heave and listening to Liz Gilbert’s books on tape (or “audiobooks” as the kids call them.) An enema or two later, I’m back to being at least upright for the week, hooray!

Hope you all enjoyed your Labor Day weekend where people keep saying it’s the last day of summer but it’s not, did you see this week’s forecast it’s like fuckin’ 90 and raining fireballs. I don’t like talking about the weather because it’s the same (but worse, because science) every year, SO WHY DO WE COMPLAIN, WE KNOW IT’S COMING, YOU DON’T HAVE TO TALK TO YOUR COWORKERS ABOUT IT, WE KNOW.

Okay, time to pack it up since I’m still at my mom’s house pretending I have no obligations in this earthly realm, BYYYYYE.

smooch 143 xox

 

 

 

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