If You Have Reason to Hate Me, It’s Probably This

Today in the True Heartbreak Times, I destroyed a beautiful relationship in less than a minute of establishing it.

I went out to my car for my lunch break and noticed a little green inchworm hanging out on my car window. Being the lonely troll that I am,  I said “Hi!” to him then got in. I turned on my car so I wouldn’t die of heatstroke and, without thinking, I rolled my window down. It wasn’t until the window was almost fully down that I remembered little buddy from 45 seconds prior and tried to roll the window back up to save him. If he wasn’t chopped in half from rolling the window down, than he was 100% chopped in half now that I ravaged his sweet little body in two different directions on a piece of motorized  death glass.

I’m sure the people walking by were wondering why I had my face two inches from the window with a pained look, mouthing the word “Nooooooooooo!” I have never been more emotionally distraught while on a lunch break and that’s no exaggeration because last week I had my car towed while trying to eat my half cooked chicken in the front seat.

Now all I’m left with is a little green steak smeared across my window.

Rest in peace, little friend. I LOVED YOU.

How do you feel about killing bugs? I typically don’t unless their tying to touch me when I’m in the shower or if their trying to crawl up my butt when I’m on the toilet. RESPECT MY TERRITORY, MONSTER. But this was my friend and I betrayed his trust and smote him into oblivion.

I’m just scared that when it’s my turn, I’m going to get up to the gates and BB Jesus is going to be all smiles but then my little worm friend will lean out from behind him and will bellow “NO!” and all the angels and BB-J will gasp in horror and I will be banished from Heaven and all it’s worm loving bullcrap. IT WAS AN ACCIDENT.

Anyways, I’m barely holding onto reality and I hope you guys have a nice evening and are not falling asleep while trying to watch Inside the Actor’s Studio with James Lipton.

k love you smooch bye 143 xo

 

Songs I Listen to Compulsively 5/11 Edition!

Jon & Robin and The In Crowd- Do It Again a Little Bit Slower – What, is this the cutest song in the world? IT MUST BE because it kind of sounds the Monkees and the Brady Bunch wanted to do Cool Jerk/Georgy Girl mashup in the style of Nancy Sinatra and boy, does it work. I heard this song on the radio last week and the carousel sound of the word “slower” at the end of the song has been on a continuous loop in my head.  It’s kind of sad sounding and I want to kiss all my stuffed animals to it.

Taylor Swift – You Are In LoveI largely ignored this song when it came out on the 1989 deluxe album and typically don’t “connect” with Taylor Swift songs but Jesus Christ I listened to this song 8 times today. Her a lot of her songs are unavailable on YouTube due to copyright but I put the iTunes link so you can preview it and hate it then a year later hear it in your car when you’re 20 minutes late to work and realize it’s the greatest song you’ve ever heard about being in love even though you haven’t been in love for some years. It’s a real thrill ride.

Rush – Spirit of the Radio – Speaking of 1989, here’s a link to a live version to Spirit of the Radio. Geddy Lee has a voice of an angel who was formerly an alien prince and also in this video he looks like a nice 90s business-mom. Also, if you haven’t seen Freaks and Geeks, or haven’t seen it in a while, this  video warms my heart.

Okay, I’m tired because I haven’t listened to any of these songs within the past ten minutes and I’m starting to get antsy. I LOVE YOU smooch 143xo.

Nickelback, Game of Thrones, and Other Fun Things

Hey BingBongs,

I flossed my teeth a few minutes ago so you could say things are really falling into place for me. I even changed my bedsheets which listening to Rockstar. Before you lay into me, we can all join hands and agree that Nickelback is the most hated band BUT you can’t tell me that you don’t sing all the goddamn words to Rockstar and don’t act like Billy Gibbons doesn’t look cool as fuck and he’s not even trying to look like he’s lipsyncing anything remotely close the the words. The secrets and shame stop here.

In other news, Grace and Frankie has a second season on Netflix and it is DELIGHTFUL. If you like complex relationships and people saying the word fuck then you are in for a real treat. That’s my recommendation, a tres niche audience.

Also, Game of Thrones is a show that people watch. I’m having a hard time watching it lately because  I realized that there is no way this series is going to have a happy ending and every character I hold dear to my hear will get slaughtered eventually. It’s taken the thrill out of it. Then again, I did just rent Inside the Actor’s Studio DVD from the library so I might not be the best judge of what is good and cool.

I don’t have my glasses on so god knows what any of this says, so fret not cutie-pies, my motorskills are not deteriorating before you this day.

Ok, I am tired though.  I love you 143 831 smooch bye. xo

Songs You Might Die To

Hey Ding-a-lings,

Do you ever been driving and hear a string of your favorite songs on the radio back to back and you think This is great! It’s like these songs are being played for me! Wait, am I about to die?

I had one of those mornings today when I was driving to work early for the first time in two years. I’ve been asking hoping for a sign or something to confirm that I’m not tossing my life away. Here are the songs I heard, links to the videos are in the titles!

Elton John – Honky Cat – This song  reminds me of when I quit the job I hated and moved to a new town, to a new apartment, with no job and  no idea what I was going to do for money. I’ve generally always played it safe so I’m sure my loved ones thought I was losing my mind and I completely understand because I thought I was losing my mind (and doubting if I was going to be able to pull it off.) During the transitional phase of moving out, moving in, and trying to find a job, I kept hearing this song being played on the radio in my car, in stores, and on TV. I put this song on every time I get the thought of Who the hell do you think you are? You can’t do [insert mild challenge]. Works every time.

The Guess Who – Undun – I forgot this song existed until it came on the radio one night when my beloved best friend and I were driving home late from seeing the MICHAEL JACKSON LASER SHOW at the planetarium. After being hurdled through space with Michael blowing our hair back, we were zapped of energy and cruising home to our little beds. The song came on and we both came back to life and all but drove off into the goddamn Mystic. Seems magical to have it come on the radio again within the same week without hearing it for years. Also, I spent a solid 30min investigating this particular video as singer and known time-traveler, Burton Cummings, looks like he just left the Vans store and is on his way to pick up his Radiohead album pre-order, despite the video being recorded in 1974.

Jim Croce – Bad Bad Leroy Brown -After my dad died, I used his car a lot because mine was what one would call a “shitbox.” Every time I would get in it, day or night, this song would always play. It played after I found a $20 in a parking lot. It played after I found a $20 bill on the ground in a hotel a week later. I really had no connection to the song except it just kept playing when I was in his car or when something cool and lucky happened. Then I went to a medium I like to see because she’s hilarious and lovely. I  also happened to be a PA on her television pilot (weird story, for another day). I was at her show and she was clear across the room. She stopped reading the person she was standing in front of (50+ feet away) and looked over in my direction and yelled “LEROY!” I didn’t think anything of it since I don’t know a Leroy and apparently neither did anyone else around me. She shrugged and went back to reading the person and then turned around in my direction again and she said “LEROY? Does anyone know Leroy?” Again, nothing. Then she started bopping up and down singing “Bad, bad, Leroy Brown.”  That’s when I said “Oooohhh” out loud. I ended up getting a very lovely reading from her. She brought stuff up that I completely forgot about so it was nice validation. I believe there are people who do cold readings out there but it you’re a skeptic, go see Maureen and at the very least you’ll get a laugh because she’s very funny and entertaining. I hadn’t heard that song in a while and it was nice to hear again.

 

So there it is! Songs that mean something! All in a row! Do you have any songs that you hear and go THAT’S ME? Tell me in the comments because I read and love them dearly.

Okay go drink some fruit juice, bye! smooch143xo

Look Ma, Gray Hair

Hey Nana-Lovers,

I rented a few DVDs from the library this week because my hair is starting to gray and I’m trying to take it in stride. I should add that those few DVDs were all various seasons of Inside the Actor’s Studio with James Lipton. That may be my penance for ripping one of my gray hairs out when no one was looking.

Do you write gray or grey? I’ve always written “gray.” It looks better. “Grey” reminds me of murky tap water or a dense fog and it makes my nana-bones hurt. Also, Grey Goose tastes like feet. Also, Christian Grey likes to taste feet. Coincidence? I don’t know, I haven’t read the book so I don’t even know if that’s true but it probably is so yay.

My mom started graying in her teens and my dad started graying closer to his 40s so I don’t know what’s going on with me but I’m rounding the corner to 27 and I have enough wiry strands to pluck out and makelife-like whiskers for a sock puppet cat. I met someone the other day who had a voice like a sock puppet, or how I imagine a sock puppet would sound. It was a very deep man voice and had a slow and careful way of enunciating words. It might have been a gorilla, I don’t know.

I just did my nails so the fumes might be making me delusional. Or it was the drugs I did in college. Hey-o! My nails are Barbie pink but the color is called “Purple Panic” and I really would like to see someone about this because it’s not even close to a magenta or orchid, let alone a PURPLE. What an outrage. I’ve also had this nail polish for 10 years so the chemical content coming off my nails and into my nostrils is probably not favorably to my case.

Any ways, I’m tired and I haven’t been to work on time in two years.

k love you bye smooch 143xo

 

Don’t Shit the Bed (and Other Scary Thoughts)

This week in Things That Have Scared the Shit Out of Me, I’m happy to report that while in a dead sleep at 3:32am this morning, my curtains ejected off the wall and onto my sleeping head. For just a tension rod holding up a sheet of plastic, it sounded like the Titanic smashed through my bedroom window.

You know when people say  to “follow your gut” and you don’t and it’s terrible? WELL, my gut told me three times last night to shut off my window alarm before I went to bed. It’s pretty sensitive so rattling can set it off and THANK GOD I listened and shut it off. Had that thing gone off last night I would’ve pissed in my bed, no questions asked. It has a piercing chirp sound that is so loud that it’s disorienting. When I was setting it up and accidentally set it off, I stared at it, ears pulsing, and lost all ability to read the ONE switch that can either be pushed On” or “Off.” Needless to say I am thankful I did not have to use my rubber sheets this time.

The curtain falling down has happened before and it’s never during the day or some time a little more convenien like not through the hours of 10:30PM and 7:30AM. I ended up nailing thumbtacks through the sheet hanging it over my window. I call it “Asymmetrical on a Budget.” I hung it horribly so one side is about a foot higher and is letting so much light in I might actually crawl out of my cave and go outside and roll in some dirt.

Anyways, I’ve yawned 437 times in 30 seconds so I love you, smooch smooch, and higher a contractor, handy man, or personal decorator for all your curtain needs amen.

 

Ah, Delightfully Offensive Cartoons Make My Heart Glad

I had ice cream four times in two days and I feel like I’m dying.

I’ve wrapped myself in my 47lb furry bathrobe and have been horizontal for the past five hours.

When I’m lethargic, dyslexia takes the wheel and uses the monster truck for a Sunday drive over my motor skills. While trying to add No Doubt’s “Hella Good” to a playlist (shut up), I typed in “Hood Gel” and surprisingly still managed to find the song without having to retype it. Take pleasure in the small successes. Also, I think Hood Gel would be a great name for a gel that promises to cement your hair down so you can wear a hood and pull it off without ruining your hairstyle. Nvm, I just filed for the patent, sorry.

Needing a pick-me-up, I started looking for Tiny Toons videos, as one does when they are tired and need to refresh themselves mind, body and soul.

Thankfully, I found the perfect video. Now I can pinpoint the exact moment my childhood started falling apart.

This is probably why I started doing comedy. At least now I have an accurate timeline for my memoir.

My power just went out so I think that’s a sign that maybe I should get off my computer for 10 minutes and get up and walk around and maybe breathe clean air instead of mouth-breathing into my bathrobe collar that I have covering my entire face.

alright, darlings – inhale, exhale, smoochsmooch143

Might as Well Face It, You’re Addicted to L…ooking at Your Phone

Hi My Little Sweetheart Darlings,

I’ve come to face the fact that I am a slave to my iPhone.

200

Please say you’re at least 50% charged.

I meditate, I read books about spiritual consciousness and  ego, I take probiotics, I DO IT ALL. Yet still, when I see other people craned over their phones I think, Huha! Thank God that’s not me!   … and it is absolutely, 100% me.

Every night to wind down, I think about climbing onto my bed to meditate and then get under the covers to read for bit. In reality, I climb onto my bed, think about meditating for five minutes, decide to skip it and get under my covers to read, take out my phone  and look at it for two hours instead, decide I’m finished and pick up the book and fall asleep with the book on my face three sentences later.

I talk about how great meditation and stillness is while I’m still holding my phone a millimeter away from my eyeballs. I move from post to post from app to app and if the first thing doesn’t entertain me, then I know there are literally millions of videos, pictures, tweets, I could look through to preoccupy my thoughts from focusing on my very own mortality. I think it’s also the reason going to the movie theaters seems like an a laborious task. What if the movie is boring? YOU MEAN I HAVE TO SIT THERE AND WATCH IT INSTEAD OF FLIPPING THROUGH 500 THINGS THAT MAY POSSIBLY NUMB ME INTO THINKING I’M NOT BORED. Even while writing this post, I’ve looked at four different articles, opened Facebook three separate times, bought $144 worth of clothes off NastyGal, and made myself an ice cream.

Holy Christ.

There are so many things I want to do. I have a giant coloring pad the size of a mini-fridge with all the goals I want to meet with writing and comedy written on it. If I lived without my phone like I did in middle school, coming home, watching Garfield & Friends, then coloring or drawing or singing or dancing to Brandy alone in my room, I’d most likely be cranking out projects at a much higher rate or consistency.

I did join a few writing groups, mostly women, and every day at least 5-10 people share all the great essays or articles they have published all over the place. Despite having a few things published, seeing other people do it demystifies the process for me and dispels the fear that the writing biz is washed up. If you write it, they will publish. 

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The challenge now is to put into practice what I think about doing which shutting off my goddamn phone for five minutes and creating something that people may benefit from.

If you haven’t listened to the Pete Holmes podcast “You Made it Weird” with Garry Shandling as the guest, I suggest you find the time. Garry nails it by explaining that yeah, we say all these thousands of heartfelt mantras and quotes, but Jesus Christ, you have to LIVE by what they say instead of just reading them and being like, “Yeah! I get it!”

Now the sneaking feeling that I’m being unproductive it setting in. I’m going to go do overkill and try to work on ten different projects at once, burn out, and be mad at myself for not finishing anything and look at my phone for four hours. Hehe!

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Okay my dears, smoochsmoochsmooch bye143.