Fun with Rashes

Hey Squiggledots,

I think I’m allergic to my pants.

I started getting a pretty rash on my legs and I assumed it was from my pants being skin tight and wearing them in the dead heat of summer because heh heh why wouldn’t it be! But it wasn’t.

After some very legitimate research on the internet, I decided it’s from wearing heavily dyed fabrics (read: all I own are black jeans) rubbing against my delicate little snowflake legs. Snowflake as in, Snowflake the Dolphin, the star of the hit movie Ace Ventura: Pet Detective. We have a similar nice, rubbery texture to our skin.

Before I realized it was probably a textile allergy, I tried pouring hydrogen peroxide on it in case it was some type of 28 Days Later infection. I poured and poured waiting for it to bubble and burn but nothing happened. I tried again the next day with apple cider vinegar, nature’s cure, and my legs nearly fucking ignited. I sizzled like the little slug that I am.

Now I’m cutting off the leafs of my mom’s aloe vera plant and squeezing the juice onto the burns I created with the apple cider vinegar. I’m just a treat when I come home for the holidays.

Anyways, I’m trying to finalize my annual Christmas card costume. Last year I dressed as a giant reindeer and this year I’m trying to decide on how big of a schmuck I want to look like. 🙂

Okay! I love you! Go listen to Enya whydoncha!

Me and My Guitar and Our Staircase of Brussel Sprouts

Hey kids!

This week in great and exciting news, I bought a guitar!

It’s nothing special but I have been polishing and kissing it every day. I’m surprised it didn’t arrive smashed into toothpicks. Although I shouldn’t say “arrived” considering UPS declared my address was not a real address in the world and I had to track it down and wait 2 hours in their UPS pick-up dungeon before finally getting it at 9PM. But I digress.

She’s a tart little telecaster and she loves me as much as I love her. She brushes my hair, she makes me oatmeal, and she tells me bedtime stories to soothe me to sleep. She was a little mad at me at first because I forgot to buy her a case because I’m a big dummy. “Well, as a beginner, you wouldn’t really know to buy one!” you say. But this is my third guitar so stop making excuses for me already.

Now to plug some apps that do not sponsor me but if they wanted to that would be hella cool but probably not because they’d be like “no one says hella anymore.” If you search for apps or videos, make sure you write “guitar lessons” and not “guitar lesions” because weird things come up that I have to live with now. If you need a strict learning plan like I do, because if I don’t practice every day I’ll forget I even have a guitar and go move to Canada without it, then I recommend getting a real, live, non-bot human teacher at least a couple of times a week to give you guitar lesions.  I mean lessons. I took lessons and I was HORRENDOUS at doing the homework because I would just play Em and be like “yep, I can strum it a bunch, now what?” and sit there and not challenge myself to learn anything else and then forget I have a guitar and move to Canada. BUT if you need something where you have to trick yourself into learning, then I suggest downloading Yousician on your phone or iPad. I would download it on my iPad but I have the original iPad so if I do anything beyond turning it on, it will explode. Anyways, there’s the free version which you only get so much time on every day and then there’s the version where you say “yes, I have a credit card, please charge it” and they do and then you get unlimited access. It’s a cool resource if you need pick yourself up by the guitar straps (see what I did there) and start playing within a day or so.

The past few days I’ve had some pretty terrible practice sessions on my guitar. Some days my brain and fingers connect and everything is happy but then some days my brain is screaming “PLAY a Dm! Play a Dm! GOD DAMMIT, PLAY IT!” but my fingers are like “You mean Am? How about just regular D? Are you sure you don’t want regular D?” and it’s a mess. I did see a video a while back from some guy trying to sell law of attraction stuff and he started talking about practicing and how we think it’s like an upward, ascending arrow on a graph. Just smooth sailing right on up! However, he pointed out that’s not really the case. Success and learning is more like a staircase. We’re going up, going up going up, and we’re peaking over the corner and BOOM plateau. We hang around the plateau for a while until we start climbing again and get a little spurt of inspiration then BOOM plateau again. It made a lot of sense but I still didn’t buy his product, sorry guy. At least I have more of a profound respect for stairs. The point being, that you may play for a while and not feel like you’re getting anywhere then KABOOM something will click and you’ll go onto your next phase of learning. Or some crap like that.

OKAY! Well enough of me clutching my guitar to my breast via blog post for one night.

Do you have any tales of dusty musical instruments you have stuffed in your closet? What did you play? Why? Do you still play? If no, why not? TELL ME IN THE COMMENTS!

I’m off to bed, have a great night, don’t forget to halve your brussel sprouts before blanching them! I LOVE YOU143 xox.

Why The Pizza Diet Really Works

Hey kids!

Like pizza? Yes? Then I have some great news for you.

There is one diet that you can be sure will have a profound effect on your body : THE PIZZA DIET.

200Breakfast, lunch and dinner. Pizza is there to nourish your body. I have compiled a list of the top 5 benefits of the pizza diet, JUST FOR YOU.

1) GREASE! Grease is GREAT for cleaning your body out. Eat a piece of greasy pizza before you eat a hamburger and that baby will slide clean through. Your colon will be VERY happy.

2) CHEESE, YAY! The wonders of dairy. It makes your bones super strong. SO strong that you can lift the pizza truck up and toss it into the river when all the pizza is gone.

3) MMM Sauce OR NO SAUCE. Pizzas these days don’t even NEED sauce to be pizzas. You can just dump your dairy dream cheese on some bread and pop it in the oven for I don’t know how the fuck long and then BOOM, PIZZA PARTY!

4) Oh yeah, PIZZA PARTY! I’ve never lost more weight and gained more muscle than when at a pizza party. Your calf muscles will be jacked from jumping up and down with joy. You’ll also be waving your hands high in the air, trying to flag down the pizza guy or gal. Those trapz are going to be so tight you won’t even be able to lift your arms up ever again.

5) Can’t Lift Your Arms Ever Again. If you properly pizza partied, then you won’t be able to move your arms EVER AGAIN! Although that means no more pizza (sad) that also means you can’t lift anything else to your face and you’ll die from malnutrition. The upside? You’ll look great and the last thing you’ll have eaten was pizza! There is clearly no downside!

aaaaaaWELL, there you have it. I gotta go, my doorbell is ringing, I wonder who it could be.

Do you have a super great diet like the one above? How do you nurture a healthy lifestyle like the aforementioned? Tell me in the comments!

BYE I LOVE YOU KISS YOU PIZZA GOODNIGHT FOR ME.

I’m You Can See Her Ribs From Here

While I’m waiting for my five new meditation apps to download, I thought I’d say hi. 

Today I went to brunch and ordered French toast. They were out of bread by the time the order was put in, so I had to opt for the next best light-brunch choice which was, you guessed it, a half rack of BBQ ribs. The artisanal potato salad and coleslaw paired well with my fourth mimosa. I also had a raspberry macaron which I can tell people on the internet so I don’t have to pronounce it. Mac-AH-Roan? Mac-AH-TACK? BIG-MAC? DADDY MAC WILL MAKE YA (JUMP! JUMP!)

After brunch, we stumbled out into daylight, hissed at the sun, and fell into the Legoland Store where we looked at all the stupid “girl” Legos which are giant mutant freaks compared to the small classic Legos. I almost barfed on the Lego key chains, and not because they had a JarJar Binks one, but because I don’t know how well the orange juice mixed with BBQ sauce. But yeah, also JarJar Binks. Maybe I should go back and stick my finger down my throat.

Anyways, my phone feels like it’s about to start a mini bonfire with itself, so I think my apps are ready. Namaste motherfluffers.

143kisskissSmoochdonttouchme

Club Dread / 50 Things

This week in Lauren is Having an Unprovoked Dilemma, I have been waking up with an utter sense of dread and despair. Is it because I realized that I have wasted time not loving One Direction until I saw their New Years Eve performance? I DUNNO, but it’s there and near palpable when sitting in the same room as me. Some other culprits could be withdrawal of chocolate because I haven’t had my usual 20lbs OR it could be expectation hangover from watching a series of celebrity documentaries.

To ease the discomfort, I’m currently watching Notting Hill, eating my fourth snack (croutons), and remembering that I haven’t done laundry in 3 weeks. To ease any future discomforts, I bought an emergency stash of How to Train Your Dragon macaroni and cheese. I bought a backup box of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle ones just in case.

To balance the physical healing with some emotional healing, I’ve taken the advice of a great abundance teacher (www.luckybitch.com) and have listed 50 things I accomplished in 2014. I’ll share some of my favorite on the list.

PLEASE SHOW ME YOURS BECAUSE I LOVE YOU. 

  1. Left two jobs I hated.
  2. Joined a job I love.
  3. Got a second tattoo with one of my best friends.
  4. Saw the Rockets at Radio City Musical Hall in NYC on opening weekend.
  5. Went to California (and Coachella) for the first time. Also rented a shit car and got to drive around Palm Springs with my friends.
  6. Saw OutKast perform B.O.B. live.
  7. Finished The X-Files and Twin Peaks. Started Six Feet Under.
  8. Got published for the first time (on McSweeney’s!).
  9. Went to Colorado for the first time and sat on a stuffed jackelope.
  10. Got a first edition, signed copy of Lena Dunham’s “Not That Kind of Girl” and got to see Miranda Karr interview her live.
  11. Went to the Boston Music Awards and saw my brother’s band perform (and win awards!)
  12. Got to see Robyn in concert (and was overcome by my emotions and sobbed/laughed hysterically at the same time).
  13. Let go of a secret I had been keeping.
  14. Went to a male strip club for the first time and got the ones ripped out of my hands by those renegades.
  15. Had no shame and went as VIP to the Miley Cyrus Bangerz Tour.

HOORAY! Tell me all the cool things you did because this is the internet and we can do that!

Do you have any resolutions for 2015? Any regrets from 2014 (why would you, that’s a waste of time!)? TELL ME EVERYTHING!

Okay, have a lovely night and don’t forget to floss after every meal. xoxoxox