Downtown Lights

I finally renewed my website. Look at me go.

In between running up my data by playing Disney Emoji Blitz and getting my sixth wisdom tooth removed, I’ve been listening to Spotify’s Discover Weekly. It suggested this song and it’s all I care about now aside from the ice cream that’s still in my freezer.

The version I have is about seven minutes long but I guess you’ll just have to suffer knowing you’re only getting four minutes, wondering forever what the other three missing minutes contained. Well, I’ll tell you, it’s some guy hitting buttons on a synthesizer to make more swirly sounds and some sentence fragments vocalized by Paul Buchanan – or at least I think it is- the music video is so damn dark that honestly that could be anyone. You’ll need a stapler to keep all the lyrics together because it’s like eight pages long. Enjoy.

xo 143 bye

Online Portfolio and Enya Jokes

I finally put together an online portfolio!  Now all my articles from McSweeney’s, Reductress, xoJane (and more?) are in one place for you to look at or ignore, I don’t care.

This might be my first post since the new year so here’s a picture of me doing standup on New Years Day! This is part of the annual 100 First Jokes show that happens at ImprovBoston. It’s probably more likely 200 First Jokes as every year the amount of comedians that perform grows which is awesome and really exciting and also a reminder to carry hand sanitizer with you in the green room.

screen-shot-2017-01-15-at-3-13-13-pm

thank you to my friend Joe for capturing my set-up of an enya masturbation joke

I’ve been working on a few new sets including my time at summer camp where I purposely pissed my pants so my mother would have to pick me up and also one about how I’ve been mysteriously ill for a year and got a balloon shoved up my ass in the name of medical science. Dreams do come true.

Speaking of dreams, I’m adding “become the most sought after creative consultant in North America”  to my bucket list. I think it fits nicely with “get my phone shaped like Star Trek’s Starship Enterprise to work” and “ride an orange bike.”

giphy

Alright, that’s all I have to say for now. Here’s the link to –> my portfolio <– again! Click and look and be amazed that I could copy and paste links in an orderly fashion because honestly I was skeptical of my abilities too.

love you BYE xo143

I’m On The Science Diet 

Did I capitalize the title correctly? I’ve given up following the rules. 

Sunday Night Notes:

After the past few weeks of feeling like I was going to throw up, pass out, or die at any given moment, my diabetic cat and I are now on matching diets for hypoglycemia. In social situations I tend to hang back due to delayed responses brought on by profound dyslexia in speech and comprehension.  However, since the end of June if I’ve been extra distant or at least as far as the nearest trash can, it’s because I didn’t want to throw up into your mouth and pass out and risk kRaPping my pants in my weakened state. And yes, that’s the scientific name, you idiot. 

My new lifestyle of fruit and maybe some wet food has begun. Also, right when I finished that sentence The Carpenters’ “We’ve Only Just Begun” started playing on the 70s music station thanks to mega conglomerate Comcast (plz don’t cut my cable, this station rulez.) 

On that note, if you need any further proof that the universe swaddles and kisses its babies then you should prbbbbbly get off my page, you charlatan. 

Love you. Xo 

In Gargoyles We Trust.

Hi, It’s Me, Your Nana-Mom

Hi PingPongs,

Here is some unsolicited advice I cultivated just for you from my own experience.

If you are a AAA member, you can go to one of their (participating) locations and renew your driver’s license. Why is this of any interest? It is because it took me ten minutes to renew mine and I did it on a Saturday. I used all of my vacation and sick time on my cross-country trip to Colorado so I was worried I was going to take a hit on my paycheck that I’m already stretching to cover my need of signing up for online tarot and realm reading classes.

I also registered as an organ donor while there! I got a tattoo last year so I couldn’t donate blood for a while, so why not jump right back into the saddle  of the body organ and fluids market then to check a little box that could save someone else should the time come. Also, I urge my fellow O Positives to donate blood because it can help everyone and you get snacks and I’ll even hold your hand and brush your hair because I’m your new nana-mom.

Well there is my car driving and blood giving agenda. I’m going to go see if Honey Dew Donuts has any Everything bagels left and then finish reading my $14 magazine about secret societies.

OKAY BYE smooch x

 

#LoveQuest2016

Hi BeanBags,

I’ve been single for almost 5 years now and for the past year  I’ve been dipping my furry little toes into the dating pool. I’ve been wondering around long enough now to enlist someone to watch  and do the commentary for me. Also, I use the word “dating” very loosely here, as it’s more like me falling in love with a stranger who happened to catch eyes with me because I was blocking the exit of the Starbuck we were in. WHATEVER, BRAD. ENJOY YOUR FRICKEN LATTE.  #LoveQuest2016

I tried OKCupid and it was a fun experiment to see if this ol’ girl could still turn up the charm. However, the crippling fear that my picture was better looking  than the real life version of me had me too scared to meet anyone because I can tell myself I’m ugly. I don’t need BingBong from Dorchester telling me I should get a nose job and veneers.

According to The Secret, I should start making room in my life if I want a buddy to hang out with and smooch me and tell me my hair smells like lavender. I like living in clean spaces and, that being said, my room is a rathole. Everything is fresh and delightful and I have fun trinkets you can play with but storage is not on the top of the selling points for the apartment. Everything doubles as a shelf. Bed, desk, windowsill. All shelves. When one is in use, you just have the rotate which one is going to be the main shelf, then disperse the rest accordingly. I’ve been cleaning up and making room on my shelves so my beau, which I’ve conjured with the law of attraction, can sit down and watch me brush my hair for 45 minutes and talk about how small cotton balls are getting.

To add to the atmosphere, I have lovely beeswax and coconut oil candles. However, the faint scent of farm fresh potting soil from the flower bed outside never ceases to waft in at just the right time. No, Brad. Maybe YOU shit your pants. #LoveQuest2016

I’ve been going out to events and social gatherings more than usual, because unless he drives the pizza delivery car, then I’m most likely not going to meet anyone inside my house. I’m one step away from walking around Boston asking “Are you my mother?” but only replace “mother” with “boyfriend,” “soulmate,” or “twin flame.” There are a lot of people, someone is bound to respond favorably.

I’ll report  back if any of my rituals calls forth a worthy mate for my hair brushing ceremony. How’d you guys meet your partners? Tell me. Is it close by? I’ll be right over.

xosmooch143bye

 

 

DO I HAVE VERITGO?

Hellooooo, Helloooo…

Hola!

I’m at a place called Vertigggoooo*.

(*I did not know that was the line and have been singing it wrong since 2004. Frankly, I also have no idea what the song is about.)

The past few months I’ve been getting what feels like seasickness. The past few weeks have been the worst and I don’t know what kind of ailment I’m potentially suffering from… Allergies? Inner ear problem? Too much salt and/or sugar? Maybe I shouldn’t have had garlic bread for dinner five days in a row. Maybe I’ve been meditating too much and I’ve astral projected right out of my body and don’t even know it.

I DON’T KNOW.

There is a thing called “Ascension” that means when you start to shift to a higher state of consciousness and vibration/frequency, your body starts to change and rid itself of old energy it’s been hanging onto. Do I sound crazy? Heck yes I do! At least it sounds more interesting than boobooboo my ears are blocked boobooboo. I’m also not going to self-medicate with cayenne pepper and maple syrup, so don’t worry.

Anyways, Easter is almost here and I saw a video about dumping rice into a sock and squishing it around until it looks like a bunny. If that isn’t god’s gift to earth, I don’t know what is.

okay I am tired and dizzy and wish I had french bread pizza. I LOVE YOU BYE.

 

 

It’s a Miracle I Can See

I’ve been wearing contacts and glasses since middle school. Sometimes I wish that I would wake up and be able to see 20/20 instead of blurry/blurry. One time I even read about a woman who used The Secret to correct her vision. She is possibly  full of shit but I’ve been obsessed with the idea of having my vision corrected without lasers burning into my eye.

And that dream obsession came true!

For about 2 minutes this morning.

I woke up on my back and opening my eyes. I blinked a couple times and rubbed my eyes. Wow, my ceiling fan seems awful crisp looking.

I let my eyes wonder around looking at my clear lamp, my clear closet, and my clear pile of dirty clothes bulging out of the hamper.

Oh my god, I can see! It’s a miracle!

I rubbed my eyes a few more times. It’s real! I can see! Wow, I am a success story!

I rubbed my eyes again. Oh, that feels weird.

Everything started to get a little less crisp. My eyes felt a little scratching feeling under the closed lid when I rubbed them.

Oh noooooooooo.

If you have ever slept with your contacts in, you know the variety of pains associated with it. My usual pain is more of a sting that comes from taking the contacts out in the morning and having clean air suction itself to my eyeballs. The sizzling noise is near audible.

I’ve never gone from such extremes so quickly. From  “It’s a miracle!” to “This is the exact opposite of the miracle!” I’m lucky I survived.

Needless to say, today was deemed Glasses Day in order to let the broken blood vessels air out.

It’s truly a miracle, I can see. Omit comma as needed.

 

Quite Tired

Hello DingDongs!

It’s been almost a month since I last posted so let’s cut to the chase. I went and bought a RUSH t-shirt and my life has really been on the upswing. Thank you and goodnight.

I also wrote my first packet! NBC has a Late Night Writer’s Workshop every year and to submit you have to follow a set of guidelines and create a sketch packet accordingly. The submission window is only open for two weeks and if you’re a writer you know that means 1 week and 6 days to ignore all sense of duty and use your last 24 hours to crank out the best goddamn work you possibly can.

I had to work 9-5 during my last 24 hours so around 6pm I wrote a page worth of monologue jokes, a page worth of desk bits, and two sketches. I loved doing it but after finishing six hours later,  I cried for 20 minutes because it felt like a milestone  AND I had hot chocolate for dinner AND because I actually was able to focus. I recently took an adult ADD examination where the “high/severe” scale was scored around 15-20. I got a 41.

In other news, I got an article onto a website I love!

How to Look Hot in Your Stilettos When You Broke Your Toe in Them Four Hours Ago

Click ^ that ^ link to go to the Reductress website. It’s like a female run version of The Onion.

Anyways, WordPress is getting glitchy so I’m gonna say night night so NIGHT NIGHT. xoxo

Fun with Rashes

Hey Squiggledots,

I think I’m allergic to my pants.

I started getting a pretty rash on my legs and I assumed it was from my pants being skin tight and wearing them in the dead heat of summer because heh heh why wouldn’t it be! But it wasn’t.

After some very legitimate research on the internet, I decided it’s from wearing heavily dyed fabrics (read: all I own are black jeans) rubbing against my delicate little snowflake legs. Snowflake as in, Snowflake the Dolphin, the star of the hit movie Ace Ventura: Pet Detective. We have a similar nice, rubbery texture to our skin.

Before I realized it was probably a textile allergy, I tried pouring hydrogen peroxide on it in case it was some type of 28 Days Later infection. I poured and poured waiting for it to bubble and burn but nothing happened. I tried again the next day with apple cider vinegar, nature’s cure, and my legs nearly fucking ignited. I sizzled like the little slug that I am.

Now I’m cutting off the leafs of my mom’s aloe vera plant and squeezing the juice onto the burns I created with the apple cider vinegar. I’m just a treat when I come home for the holidays.

Anyways, I’m trying to finalize my annual Christmas card costume. Last year I dressed as a giant reindeer and this year I’m trying to decide on how big of a schmuck I want to look like. 🙂

Okay! I love you! Go listen to Enya whydoncha!

Observations and Violent Whales

My closet has four sliding mirrors for doors. My bed faces the closet, so when I’m sitting up I can look over my laptop and see my blurry face squinting back at me. Tonight, I’ve stuffed myself in about 8 cardigans and smooshed my neck pillow under my head so I look like a little brunette Raggedy Ann who slipped in a super market and is waiting for her settlement check so she can go buy a real leather La-Z-Boy recliner.

I made an iced coffee and I left raw chicken on the counter to thaw. I used to say “dethaw” then I realized that’s not a real word and also redundant. I would turn up the heat in my room but there’s been a mysterious disappearance of our batteries and my thermostat’s “your batteries have been dead for 3 months” warning light faded 6 months ago.

I have a new phone and the storage is already full. I think this might be due in part that I haven’t taken advantage of the iCloud because it scares me and I don’t want people to hack my photos and see all the screenshots of terrible songs I take. Terrible in the opinion of other people. I think they’re great songs, otherwise I wouldn’t have taken screenshots of them. I would like to maintain an air of mystery though, even if I talk about my dumps on the regular.

I listen to a lot of soundscape radio. If someone raided my phone, they would see a lot of pictures of my car’s radio display with songs like “Dolphins Playing” and “Mother Nature’s Bosom” turned up to 11.  I listen to it a lot when I don’t want to sit in silence but  also don’t want to listen to any one talk. I have some subliminal soundscape songs on my phone. One is kindling/fire crackling and it’s the best but there’s one on there that is fucking horrifying and I can only describe it as “violent whales.” It’s not the melodic tones of mommy whale singing to her baby. It’s like 600 angry orcas screeching at each other at a crowded orca fight club. Every time it comes on, I picture a anthropomorphized whale, standing on it’s back fin, head wrapped in a bandana, holding a shank it carved out of fishbone, ready to brawl. The violent whales track comes in about an hour into the soundtrack and I wake up out of a goddamn dead sleep every time it comes on. I posted it on my Twitter, if you like nightmares. (@LoloVonK)

Now that I’ve wasted two hours eating dates and trying to suck up the last of the sugar at the bottom of my iced coffee, I’m going to go catch up on the Walking Dead even though I’m routinely three episodes behind. Four is too many, two is too few, three gives me just enough anxiety about being behind everyone without making me want to give up on the series.

Do you listen to anything weird? What types of photos would you be embarrassed of if anyone saw them? (Nudies not included.)

Okay, I love you, don’t let a killer whale stab your heart out.