If You Have Reason to Hate Me, It’s Probably This

Today in the True Heartbreak Times, I destroyed a beautiful relationship in less than a minute of establishing it.

I went out to my car for my lunch break and noticed a little green inchworm hanging out on my car window. Being the lonely troll that I am,  I said “Hi!” to him then got in. I turned on my car so I wouldn’t die of heatstroke and, without thinking, I rolled my window down. It wasn’t until the window was almost fully down that I remembered little buddy from 45 seconds prior and tried to roll the window back up to save him. If he wasn’t chopped in half from rolling the window down, than he was 100% chopped in half now that I ravaged his sweet little body in two different directions on a piece of motorized  death glass.

I’m sure the people walking by were wondering why I had my face two inches from the window with a pained look, mouthing the word “Nooooooooooo!” I have never been more emotionally distraught while on a lunch break and that’s no exaggeration because last week I had my car towed while trying to eat my half cooked chicken in the front seat.

Now all I’m left with is a little green steak smeared across my window.

Rest in peace, little friend. I LOVED YOU.

How do you feel about killing bugs? I typically don’t unless their tying to touch me when I’m in the shower or if their trying to crawl up my butt when I’m on the toilet. RESPECT MY TERRITORY, MONSTER. But this was my friend and I betrayed his trust and smote him into oblivion.

I’m just scared that when it’s my turn, I’m going to get up to the gates and BB Jesus is going to be all smiles but then my little worm friend will lean out from behind him and will bellow “NO!” and all the angels and BB-J will gasp in horror and I will be banished from Heaven and all it’s worm loving bullcrap. IT WAS AN ACCIDENT.

Anyways, I’m barely holding onto reality and I hope you guys have a nice evening and are not falling asleep while trying to watch Inside the Actor’s Studio with James Lipton.

k love you smooch bye 143 xo


Quite Tired

Hello DingDongs!

It’s been almost a month since I last posted so let’s cut to the chase. I went and bought a RUSH t-shirt and my life has really been on the upswing. Thank you and goodnight.

I also wrote my first packet! NBC has a Late Night Writer’s Workshop every year and to submit you have to follow a set of guidelines and create a sketch packet accordingly. The submission window is only open for two weeks and if you’re a writer you know that means 1 week and 6 days to ignore all sense of duty and use your last 24 hours to crank out the best goddamn work you possibly can.

I had to work 9-5 during my last 24 hours so around 6pm I wrote a page worth of monologue jokes, a page worth of desk bits, and two sketches. I loved doing it but after finishing six hours later,  I cried for 20 minutes because it felt like a milestone  AND I had hot chocolate for dinner AND because I actually was able to focus. I recently took an adult ADD examination where the “high/severe” scale was scored around 15-20. I got a 41.

In other news, I got an article onto a website I love!

How to Look Hot in Your Stilettos When You Broke Your Toe in Them Four Hours Ago

Click ^ that ^ link to go to the Reductress website. It’s like a female run version of The Onion.

Anyways, WordPress is getting glitchy so I’m gonna say night night so NIGHT NIGHT. xoxo