Hey Squiggledots,

I think I’m allergic to my pants.

I started getting a pretty rash on my legs and I assumed it was from my pants being skin tight and wearing them in the dead heat of summer because heh heh why wouldn’t it be! But it wasn’t.

After some very legitimate research on the internet, I decided it’s from wearing heavily dyed fabrics (read: all I own are black jeans) rubbing against my delicate little snowflake legs. Snowflake as in, Snowflake the Dolphin, the star of the hit movie Ace Ventura: Pet Detective. We have a similar nice, rubbery texture to our skin.

Before I realized it was probably a textile allergy, I tried pouring hydrogen peroxide on it in case it was some type of 28 Days Later infection. I poured and poured waiting for it to bubble and burn but nothing happened. I tried again the next day with apple cider vinegar, nature’s cure, and my legs nearly fucking ignited. I sizzled like the little slug that I am.

Now I’m cutting off the leafs of my mom’s aloe vera plant and squeezing the juice onto the burns I created with the apple cider vinegar. I’m just a treat when I come home for the holidays.

Anyways, I’m trying to finalize my annual Christmas card costume. Last year I dressed as a giant reindeer and this year I’m trying to decide on how big of a schmuck I want to look like. 🙂

Okay! I love you! Go listen to Enya whydoncha!