Well, this is a mess of words and thoughts.

I was driving home the other day and thinking about a musician I had met recently. I’ve been following her music for nearly a decade and will always take the opportunity to gush about how great I think she is. Having this moment to finally meet her meant I might not be able to look and listen to her music the same way as before. The curtain would be lifted and whether or not I liked what I saw could change a very significant and emotional part of my life and memories.

After her concert, I saw a little crowd form near the exit. I immediately stopped walking and realized she was out there greeting friends and fans. I’ve seen her a couple of times before and had never got the chance to meet her, so naturally, I began sweating and getting hives and preparing my awe-inspiring speech I would yell in her direction while making too intense eye contact. I recall another time I was meeting a “hero” of mine and of this caliber, so I was excited and worried.

A Side Note: A topic I’ve always written notes about but haven’t formed into a full essay or post is that I think it’s crap how we’re constantly told to wear our passions on our sleeves and be supportive of one another, but when we actually do that, it’s almost off-putting. If I like something you’re doing, whether it be your music, art, poetry, or comedy, I will not hesitate to share it everywhere and talk about it with you or with someone who I think will like it too. For this, I get the feeling that I give off an intrusive energy. Why do I get self-conscious if I “Like” all your posts on your Facebook wall?  Who gives a fuck, you’re funny or you have great music, what does a “Like” constitute in reality? If I like your band but I don’t know you too well, I’m still going to share the shit out of your music. Maybe it’s not even a reflection of me but more so the creator of the work has both and unconscious fear of success and an unconscious fear of failure. I know that I have both, the second someone compliments me I revert to imposter syndrome. Yet, if I do well,  then I start self-sabotaging saying well, “if I succeed at this, will I be able to follow-up with something even better or will I be a one-hit wonder?” Combined with my online presence, I get the feeling my audience (mostly friends and acquaintances) have a hard time separating my jokes and written personality from the real me. Those jokes are certainly an extension of me, as a very heightened version of myself, but for god’s sake if you think I can eat as many burritos as I say I do and as often, then I would’ve been dead 4 months ago. I digress.

Back to being excited and worried about meeting a living-hero of mine. The advice “don’t meet your heroes” is meant to capture and maintain a spark and sense of wonderment about something or someone you care for. Maintaining that thrill and mystery. But I’m starting to think that’s shitty. When you meet someone you admire and they turn out to suck, doesn’t that make you think “well, this shitty person made something that is great…maybe a good person like me can make something just as great or even better.” Same thing works for if your hero turns out to be everything you wished and more. Now you get to see this human with your naked eye and shake their real-life hand and demystify the fact that they might be different from you. You are then inspired by their ambition and perseverance to create something, perhaps even to honor them. Those are all pretty good scenarios either way.

So I met her. I got to tell her about the first time I saw her music and it’s importance to me. Someone might say it’s cliché but that person clearly did not read the paragraph about me seen above. She was different from the image I had held of her and I appreciate that I know that’s not a bad thing. It was sobering to see she was someone who gave all of herself over to composing and performing. She didn’t have laser beam eyes nor have a light emanating off her body with a 4 ft range.  I immediately started separating her from me again, as if we didn’t live on the same planet at the same time, with the same opportunities. It was refreshing to have to remind myself that everything I admire and appreciate in one form of another is attainable. Also, that if it weren’t for the family, friends, and fans who speak up and express what they like openly then we wouldn’t have all these nice things and people that we do. Tehe.

What a jumble of rants here, eh?

Tell me all your thoughts please, thanks bye.

 

Loss

Day Four of the Writing101 Challenge.

Write about a loss. Something or someone who isn’t in your life any longer.

For this question I didn’t want to talk about obvious loss like death, moving,  graduating from school, or that time I got my wisdom teeth out and lost all sensation in my bottom lip for a year. Tehe. Loss doesn’t have to be bad at all.

One thing that I don’t have in my life any longer (or at least most of the time) is the overbearing feeling of caring what other people think of me or being embarrassed of myself. That isn’t to say I don’t have days where I feel uncomfortable in my own skin or feel a bit anxious around others. I think that happens to everyone. BUT being embarrassed to speak up for yourself or to worry if others will like you and/or your creative work is bullshit. Just do what you like. That goes without saying if you’re hurting others and being an all around asshole, then cut that shit out, but other than that YOU DO YOU BABY.

I’ve always been incredibly shy and afraid of people thinking my opinions were stupid. Maybe my opinions were stupid but that doesn’t make them any less valid or worthy of sharing. I grew up desperately avoiding the possibility of ever being wrong. Instead of trying and failing, I wouldn’t even try. Horrible mistake. It’s like in Finding Nemo when Dory advises Marlin about how he smothers Nemo.

“Well, you can’t never let anything happen to him, then nothing would ever happen to him.”

It sounds like what I was doing to myself. Impeding my own growth by trying to protect myself. My fears were based on situations that were probably never going to happen, and if they did, the damage would only last a few seconds.

What’s the big deal? Am I going to be right ALL THE TIME? Absolutely not. In fact, I’m usually wrong about a lot of things but at least it’s the quickest way for me to learn.

*cracks knuckles*

SO, in conclusion, don’t ever feel embarrassed about yourself. Whether it’s something you tried and failed at or something you did that didn’t turn out the way you thought it would.

Just relax. It doesn’t matter.

If someone judges you or makes you feel inferior about something you tried, then they are dealing with something deeper than what you’re doing. Constructive criticism is a wonderful tool but if it’s criticism for the sake of criticizing- don’t take it as the indisputable truth. In any case, as my dear mother RuPaul says “Your opinion of me is none of my business.”

Be wrong, feel silly, and do what you feel is fulfilling and true for you. There are great lessons in those moments.

images

K bye my loveducks.

❤ Lo

**P.S. Please follow me on Twitter, @LoloVonK ! **

Radio Silence or Something Like That. Also Big News.

Hey kids!

The blog had to take a hiatus for a while because my laptop started a rebellion and only wanted me to look at its artwork. It’s really into using blocky, abstract pixels and is currently going through what looks like a yellow phase. I’m guessing it’ll be looking into getting some gallery shows soon.

Also the washing machine started to do some performance art and midway through a cycle released it’s watery-underbelly onto my basement floor. It was reminiscent of “Poseidon Adventure” but it’s still a beginner and beginner’s have to work through that weird beginner-y phase for a while. I believe in it though.

In BIGGER news, I’m finally getting a piece published on McSweeney’s!

I’ll post all the information when it goes live in a couple weeks.

This is a big deal for me as I’ve never had anything professionally published before AND it’s fricken McSweeney’s.

One of my teachers through the Second City said that the average amount of tries it takes to get on their “Lists” page is about 5. It took me upwards of 30, so don’t worry. If I can do it, SO CAN YOU! *shoots confetti cannon*

This also means I have at least SOMETHING in my writer’s portfolio that is validated.

Speaking of jorbs and stuff, I’ve been diligently looking for new work. I’ve applied to everything from mail clerk to phone sex operator. I’ll keep you posted on any new hits, but I think my phone sex operator career isn’t going to take off the way I thought it was. Someday.

Until then, BYE

Lolo von Finallypublishedsomethingthatisntterriblebergsteingirlman

Do You Want to Build a Snowm–I Mean Write a Book?

I’ve seen Frozen three times, cut me some slack. 

Also, my laptop is about to die so this whole post may be a jumbled crapball. I COULD go downstairs and get my charger but shut up already, jeez what’re you my mom? Oh? You ARE? MOM STOP READING MY BLOG, GOD. 

But I digress.

I’ve been meaning to smash a bunch of my essays together and wrap some hard plastic around them and call it a book, but I’m going to take the time and energy and make it my best. The overall theme of it will be the tragedies in my life, infused with my own sick sense of humor, of course. I have some (true) stories, if you could voice your opinion on what you might like to read?

Some toupées: 

I mean topics:

1) Worcester, MA- Part One-In which my friend and I get chased by a homeless man. SPOILER: He jerks off on the car.

2) Worcester, MA- Part Two-In which we did not learn our lesson the first time, so we get caught in the crossfire of two rival street gangs. (Yes, guns. Bang, bang, shoot-em-up.)

3) The Dentist-Part OneIn which the dentist drops his drill and I attempt to swallow it.

4) The Dentist-Part Two– In which the dentist removes my wisdom teeth and also part of my nerve, leaving my face numb (forever).

5) The Accusal- In which my fellow kindergarteners accuse me of stealing the markers and drawing on the walls. But did I really do it?

6) Vacation From Hell: Mexico-In which we have no money, no clothes, and are driving with an insane man that only speaks in Beach Boys lyrics. 

7) College Graduation– In which I am in my driveway at 8:30am. Graduation starts at 9am. I am an hour and a half away. Do I make it in time? Some factors: My mother having diarrhea, makes me stop for anti-diarrheal medicine, I knock down the display. Does she shit in my car?

Those are just some of the stories I’ve wanted to tell for a while. Let me know!

K love you or whatever, my twinkling stars. 🙂 

 

A Very Winkel Wednesday

A Very Winkel Wednesday

It’s that time of the week again!

Winkel Wednesday!

Go check out all the silly things Mr. Winkel is doing in his down time.

http://mrwinkel.tumblr.com/