I WENT TO CANADA

This weekend I went to CANADA!

I saw Niagara Falls, ate a Tim Horton’s donut, and bought checkered long johns with a workable buttflap.

If you’re afraid of heights and/or horrible naturally-occurring deathtraps, then I don’t advise going to the falls. I also REALLY don’t advise going to tourist attraction, “Journey Behind the Falls.”

In Journey Behind the Falls you pay $20 to stand in a 98 degree holding cell underground for an hour and then get smooshed into an elevator with 10 other people and plunge 70ft below the earth. Then you step out of the elevator (in your sweaty plastic bright yellow poncho) and into the warm inviting stench of diarrhea. You’re supposed to wander around underground tunnels, literally behind and under the falls. It’s dark and the sound is deafening like in the Titanic when the whole joint was blowing up and water was busting out everywhere.  We lasted about 3 minutes until we ran to the equally as horrifying elevator. I’m sure there’s a nice tourist somewhere admiring their family vacation photos and spotting a young girl in the background ralfing into the water right behind Nana.

To ease the pain and redeem our marshmallow girl status, we returned back to the surface and as I mentioned, bought buttflap pajamas. Everything was right again.

It was a great experience to see how quickly mother nature could crunch you into oblivion. I ended up researching morbid things like “deaths at Niagara Falls” and “why does it smell like diarrhea at Niagara Falls.” To be continued.

In another surprising discovery about the world, I found out that you can turn your roaming features off on your phone without turning off your data. You’ll know you’ve done it right when an hour later you receive a courtesy text from AT&T stating that you’ve have exceeded the $100 mark in international rate charges. I’m guessing my bill is anywhere from $101 to $6,000. And to think I had OKCupid open the whole time and I didn’t even talk to any hunks.

Alright kittens, don’t go meandering off the sides of any monstrous water attractions.

I love you, sleep tight, kiss your Nana(s) and your Gigapets goodnight.

The Beauty Within

Here is a photo portrait of me being gorgeous.

Santa sure can pick 'em.

Santa sure can pick ’em.

Here’s a close-up just for you.

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I’m an Asshole

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