Online Portfolio and Enya Jokes

I finally put together an online portfolio!  Now all my articles from McSweeney’s, Reductress, xoJane (and more?) are in one place for you to look at or ignore, I don’t care.

This might be my first post since the new year so here’s a picture of me doing standup on New Years Day! This is part of the annual 100 First Jokes show that happens at ImprovBoston. It’s probably more likely 200 First Jokes as every year the amount of comedians that perform grows which is awesome and really exciting and also a reminder to carry hand sanitizer with you in the green room.

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thank you to my friend Joe for capturing my set-up of an enya masturbation joke

I’ve been working on a few new sets including my time at summer camp where I purposely pissed my pants so my mother would have to pick me up and also one about how I’ve been mysteriously ill for a year and got a balloon shoved up my ass in the name of medical science. Dreams do come true.

Speaking of dreams, I’m adding “become the most sought after creative consultant in North America”  to my bucket list. I think it fits nicely with “get my phone shaped like Star Trek’s Starship Enterprise to work” and “ride an orange bike.”

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Alright, that’s all I have to say for now. Here’s the link to –> my portfolio <– again! Click and look and be amazed that I could copy and paste links in an orderly fashion because honestly I was skeptical of my abilities too.

love you BYE xo143

Songs You Might Die To

Hey Ding-a-lings,

Do you ever been driving and hear a string of your favorite songs on the radio back to back and you think This is great! It’s like these songs are being played for me! Wait, am I about to die?

I had one of those mornings today when I was driving to work early for the first time in two years. I’ve been asking hoping for a sign or something to confirm that I’m not tossing my life away. Here are the songs I heard, links to the videos are in the titles!

Elton John – Honky Cat – This song  reminds me of when I quit the job I hated and moved to a new town, to a new apartment, with no job and  no idea what I was going to do for money. I’ve generally always played it safe so I’m sure my loved ones thought I was losing my mind and I completely understand because I thought I was losing my mind (and doubting if I was going to be able to pull it off.) During the transitional phase of moving out, moving in, and trying to find a job, I kept hearing this song being played on the radio in my car, in stores, and on TV. I put this song on every time I get the thought of Who the hell do you think you are? You can’t do [insert mild challenge]. Works every time.

The Guess Who – Undun – I forgot this song existed until it came on the radio one night when my beloved best friend and I were driving home late from seeing the MICHAEL JACKSON LASER SHOW at the planetarium. After being hurdled through space with Michael blowing our hair back, we were zapped of energy and cruising home to our little beds. The song came on and we both came back to life and all but drove off into the goddamn Mystic. Seems magical to have it come on the radio again within the same week without hearing it for years. Also, I spent a solid 30min investigating this particular video as singer and known time-traveler, Burton Cummings, looks like he just left the Vans store and is on his way to pick up his Radiohead album pre-order, despite the video being recorded in 1974.

Jim Croce – Bad Bad Leroy Brown -After my dad died, I used his car a lot because mine was what one would call a “shitbox.” Every time I would get in it, day or night, this song would always play. It played after I found a $20 in a parking lot. It played after I found a $20 bill on the ground in a hotel a week later. I really had no connection to the song except it just kept playing when I was in his car or when something cool and lucky happened. Then I went to a medium I like to see because she’s hilarious and lovely. I  also happened to be a PA on her television pilot (weird story, for another day). I was at her show and she was clear across the room. She stopped reading the person she was standing in front of (50+ feet away) and looked over in my direction and yelled “LEROY!” I didn’t think anything of it since I don’t know a Leroy and apparently neither did anyone else around me. She shrugged and went back to reading the person and then turned around in my direction again and she said “LEROY? Does anyone know Leroy?” Again, nothing. Then she started bopping up and down singing “Bad, bad, Leroy Brown.”  That’s when I said “Oooohhh” out loud. I ended up getting a very lovely reading from her. She brought stuff up that I completely forgot about so it was nice validation. I believe there are people who do cold readings out there but it you’re a skeptic, go see Maureen and at the very least you’ll get a laugh because she’s very funny and entertaining. I hadn’t heard that song in a while and it was nice to hear again.

 

So there it is! Songs that mean something! All in a row! Do you have any songs that you hear and go THAT’S ME? Tell me in the comments because I read and love them dearly.

Okay go drink some fruit juice, bye! smooch143xo

Don’t Shit the Bed (and Other Scary Thoughts)

This week in Things That Have Scared the Shit Out of Me, I’m happy to report that while in a dead sleep at 3:32am this morning, my curtains ejected off the wall and onto my sleeping head. For just a tension rod holding up a sheet of plastic, it sounded like the Titanic smashed through my bedroom window.

You know when people say  to “follow your gut” and you don’t and it’s terrible? WELL, my gut told me three times last night to shut off my window alarm before I went to bed. It’s pretty sensitive so rattling can set it off and THANK GOD I listened and shut it off. Had that thing gone off last night I would’ve pissed in my bed, no questions asked. It has a piercing chirp sound that is so loud that it’s disorienting. When I was setting it up and accidentally set it off, I stared at it, ears pulsing, and lost all ability to read the ONE switch that can either be pushed On” or “Off.” Needless to say I am thankful I did not have to use my rubber sheets this time.

The curtain falling down has happened before and it’s never during the day or some time a little more convenien like not through the hours of 10:30PM and 7:30AM. I ended up nailing thumbtacks through the sheet hanging it over my window. I call it “Asymmetrical on a Budget.” I hung it horribly so one side is about a foot higher and is letting so much light in I might actually crawl out of my cave and go outside and roll in some dirt.

Anyways, I’ve yawned 437 times in 30 seconds so I love you, smooch smooch, and higher a contractor, handy man, or personal decorator for all your curtain needs amen.

 

Ah, Delightfully Offensive Cartoons Make My Heart Glad

I had ice cream four times in two days and I feel like I’m dying.

I’ve wrapped myself in my 47lb furry bathrobe and have been horizontal for the past five hours.

When I’m lethargic, dyslexia takes the wheel and uses the monster truck for a Sunday drive over my motor skills. While trying to add No Doubt’s “Hella Good” to a playlist (shut up), I typed in “Hood Gel” and surprisingly still managed to find the song without having to retype it. Take pleasure in the small successes. Also, I think Hood Gel would be a great name for a gel that promises to cement your hair down so you can wear a hood and pull it off without ruining your hairstyle. Nvm, I just filed for the patent, sorry.

Needing a pick-me-up, I started looking for Tiny Toons videos, as one does when they are tired and need to refresh themselves mind, body and soul.

Thankfully, I found the perfect video. Now I can pinpoint the exact moment my childhood started falling apart.

This is probably why I started doing comedy. At least now I have an accurate timeline for my memoir.

My power just went out so I think that’s a sign that maybe I should get off my computer for 10 minutes and get up and walk around and maybe breathe clean air instead of mouth-breathing into my bathrobe collar that I have covering my entire face.

alright, darlings – inhale, exhale, smoochsmooch143

Published! Hip Hip HOORAY.

I said HOORAY, God dammit.

This week I hit a very big goal that’s been on my vision board for a few years. Although I think it’s taken me longer than the average person to succeed with this, I think it made the fruition of it more special. BUT I’ve made it onto McSweeney’s!

Here’s the link to my list:

List: Honest Résumé Objectives

Check it out, share it, print it, burn it, press it onto a t-shirt, make it into a mug, tattoo it on your ass.

Thanks!

ALSO, this week is the Women in Comedy Festival in Boston! Headlining tonight is Maria Bamford at the Wilbur. I wish I could go but I went to Bobcat Goldthwait, Eugene Mirman, Aziz Ansari last week and I went to Target twice. Now I’m sitting at my desk eating baker’s chocolate out of the bag and writing poetry about my period.

Ciao muthafuckas,

❤ Lo