#LoveQuest2016

Hi BeanBags,

I’ve been single for almost 5 years now and for the past year  I’ve been dipping my furry little toes into the dating pool. I’ve been wondering around long enough now to enlist someone to watch  and do the commentary for me. Also, I use the word “dating” very loosely here, as it’s more like me falling in love with a stranger who happened to catch eyes with me because I was blocking the exit of the Starbuck we were in. WHATEVER, BRAD. ENJOY YOUR FRICKEN LATTE.  #LoveQuest2016

I tried OKCupid and it was a fun experiment to see if this ol’ girl could still turn up the charm. However, the crippling fear that my picture was better looking  than the real life version of me had me too scared to meet anyone because I can tell myself I’m ugly. I don’t need BingBong from Dorchester telling me I should get a nose job and veneers.

According to The Secret, I should start making room in my life if I want a buddy to hang out with and smooch me and tell me my hair smells like lavender. I like living in clean spaces and, that being said, my room is a rathole. Everything is fresh and delightful and I have fun trinkets you can play with but storage is not on the top of the selling points for the apartment. Everything doubles as a shelf. Bed, desk, windowsill. All shelves. When one is in use, you just have the rotate which one is going to be the main shelf, then disperse the rest accordingly. I’ve been cleaning up and making room on my shelves so my beau, which I’ve conjured with the law of attraction, can sit down and watch me brush my hair for 45 minutes and talk about how small cotton balls are getting.

To add to the atmosphere, I have lovely beeswax and coconut oil candles. However, the faint scent of farm fresh potting soil from the flower bed outside never ceases to waft in at just the right time. No, Brad. Maybe YOU shit your pants. #LoveQuest2016

I’ve been going out to events and social gatherings more than usual, because unless he drives the pizza delivery car, then I’m most likely not going to meet anyone inside my house. I’m one step away from walking around Boston asking “Are you my mother?” but only replace “mother” with “boyfriend,” “soulmate,” or “twin flame.” There are a lot of people, someone is bound to respond favorably.

I’ll report  back if any of my rituals calls forth a worthy mate for my hair brushing ceremony. How’d you guys meet your partners? Tell me. Is it close by? I’ll be right over.

xosmooch143bye

 

 

Songs That Make Me Feel Feelings and Think About Life and Stuff

Hey kids,

Remember when I used to post songs I was listening to compulsively or the week?

Yeah, me neither. It’s been so long and I’m probably still listening to the same songs.

BUT let’s dive right in because I want to listen to all these songs again as soon as possible. Links are in the titles.

Let’s go!

giphy

           Fantasia will show us the way!

First Up!

What: “Teenage Talk”- St. Vincent– First heard at the end of a Girls episode (like most songs I become obsessed with, obviously).  Why: I can sing in Annie Clark’s range! Hooray! But also because the song is the perfectly bittersweet. Listen to it if you want to be nostalgic about your teen years and the friends you had then. What Else: “How do you see me now, now that I’m a little bit older?” If you’re picturing me sobbing in my car, staring at the increasingly visible laugh lines around my eyes in the rearview mirror, then you are right!

kris

Secondly!

What: World Spins Madly On – The Weepies. Heard them in college and nearly shit my pants when I found out they were from Cambridge, MA. Deb Talan and Steve Tannen’s love story is one worth looking up if you have ever lost faith in romance. Why: Aside from the adorable monster music video, I think their harmonies are the greatest in the world next to Simon and Garfunkel’s. Is that a stretch? I don’t care. What Else: “I woke up and wished that I was dead.” Amiright?

kiki

Third,Third,Third. Third’s the Word.

What: M83- Wait. This may sound familiar to many, as it was the song that made you want to die during the movie version of The Fault in Our Stars. Why: If you have ears and a heart, this should be a giveaway. Do you have a face and eyes that you can stare longingly out the window with when you listen to this song? Good. Be as melodramatic as possible. What Else: Are you staring wistfully out a train window yet?

train

Borth, Fourth, Borth! (Sounds Sort of Like the Swedish Chef?)

What: Style- Taylor Swift. Yeah, I know but I did NOT appreciate this song when it first came out. Also, I don’t listen to the radio a lot so it has not been ruined for me. Hehe. Why: The intro guitar is catchy as frick, What Else: This song makes me incredibly sad, but the kind of sad I might be addictive to inflicting upon myself. “I said I’ve been there too a few times.” GET HIM, TAYLOR.

taylor

// HIGH FIVE!

What: The Drugs Don’t Work- The Verve. One night I was looking up “saddest songs” and this came up. Want to be depressed and contemplate your own mortality? Then this is the song for you, my friend! Why: I like contemplating my own mortality. What Else: Dark and sadness. That’s pretty much all I have for this song.

dolphin

            Recent picture of me crying.

WILD CARD!

Now that we have enjoyed all the sad feelings, let’s draw the WILD CARD which is a song that makes me feel like I’m going to jump out of my skin because it riles me the fuck up.

What: It’s the End of the World As We Know It -R.E.M. Sounds like it wouldn’t be a joyous song but it’s so darn upbeat I can’t help but tear my shirt off and run around the room when it comes on. Why: Michael Stipe talking fast. Yay! What Else: “You symbiotic, patriotic, slam but neck, right? Right.”

tom

WELL.

That’s it. Those are my feelings. And to think it only took be about two hours to articulate them with the help of some very lovely gifs. Do you have any songs you compulsively listen to for no reason? I need to know, please tell me.

OKAY GO BRUSH YOUR TEETH BYE I LOVE YOU!

LAST CALL! (Don’t make me beg.)

Hi Zuchinni puffs,

I’m turning to you. 

THIS SATURDAY I am signed up to walk in Boston’s Avon 39 Walk to End Breast Cancer. I have to raise $1800 to participate. I’m currently at $1609.

I NEED YOUR HELP! I’m less than $200 away from my goal and I have ONE DAY.

If you have a credit card and you can part with $5 (minimum requirement for donating for some reason) or more, I will smooch your face and write you a poem. Every single dollar counts, especially now. 

SO! If you see this and you think it’s weird to donate to someone you don’t know, well HEY it’s weird to ask strangers for money so you can walk 39 miles.  AND YOU CAN REMAIN ANONYMOUS IF YOU SO CHOSE! 

Clicky the linky belowy for my Avon donation page.

Lauren’s Donation Page!

Clicky the linky abovey, Avon calling, just kidding it’s me.

And if you’re reading this and you’re thinking “eh, she’ll get it in time, my donation won’t matter” WELL SIR OR MADAM, that is not true! I have been at a stand still for the last few days. Don’t engage in bystander effect! I could be dead in the road by now! 

Hehe. Also thank you to everyone on here who has donated. It’s so much appreciated! Smooch smooch smooch.

If you have any questions, please comment and I will kiss you and answer you and kiss you again. 

Okay. I LOVE YOU. GOOD NIGHT! DON’T PUT TOO MUCH OLIVE OIL ON YOUR KALE CHIPS!

Contrast

Write a post based on the contrast between two things — whether people, objects, emotions, places, or something else.

Something that’s been an affliction as of recently is the fact that it’s gone from 50 degrees to 90 degrees in about a 2 week span.

Compare/Contrast: I was nice and cool but now I’m hot as fuck.

The twist to the Day 7 Writing 101 Challenge was to respond to this prompt with dialogue but I’m cranky because my calves are sweating.

In the early stages of getting to know someone, I usually ask questions like, Where are you from? What did you study in school and why? What’s your dream job? and Would you rather be hot or cold?

I like to think it tells me a lot about a person on how they answer that question. With no scientific merit whatsoever, I feel like I get an insight into your dark little soul AND if we’d get along in a car ride.

I’m a coldy. I rather be cold and pile on 3 million blankets. My irish skin flushes and starts to burn when I’m in a room set above 68 degrees. When driving in wintertime I’ll jack the heat up to get warm fast but then on with the AC. I can’t do the dry heat coming out of the vents. My lips instantly chap and my skin wrinkles.

In the cold the air is crisp and I don’t look like an unused matchstick (because the head is red, GET IT?!).

Thinking about sweating makes me itchy. Maybe I’m one of those people who are allergic to their own sweat. Or maybe it’s a fear of being an over-sweating in high school and never wanted to raise my arms so everyone could see my giant sweat stains.

So, which do you prefer?

Hot or cold?

***

ciao

❤ Lo

PS. Please follow on Twitter @LoloVonK for daily jokes you probably shouldn’t share with mom (my mom not yours).

Moving

I’m moving!

HOORAY.

But you already knew that because you read everyone single update I make and had it marked on your calendars just like me. You’re so thoughtful.

I’m starting my new job on Wednesday and I’m nervous and excited but mostly nervous wondering if they have a fridge I can keep my lunch in.

This week was also the Women in Comedy Festival in Boston! I didn’t get to go to any of the shows but I did get to go to a workshop which was great and it was nice talking to other comedians and writers. Turns out we have a lot of the same irrational fears about not posting enough on Twitter.

I also cut all my hair off! I was getting anxious about it always hanging down my back, that if I didn’t cut it soon I would end up taking matters into my own hands and giving myself a whiffle. Things didn’t get that extreme but maybe someday.

Anyways, here’s to trying to back 20 years of living in the same place into a suitcase that can only hold 35lbs.

ciao gringos

❤ Lo

 

Published! Hip Hip HOORAY.

I said HOORAY, God dammit.

This week I hit a very big goal that’s been on my vision board for a few years. Although I think it’s taken me longer than the average person to succeed with this, I think it made the fruition of it more special. BUT I’ve made it onto McSweeney’s!

Here’s the link to my list:

List: Honest Résumé Objectives

Check it out, share it, print it, burn it, press it onto a t-shirt, make it into a mug, tattoo it on your ass.

Thanks!

ALSO, this week is the Women in Comedy Festival in Boston! Headlining tonight is Maria Bamford at the Wilbur. I wish I could go but I went to Bobcat Goldthwait, Eugene Mirman, Aziz Ansari last week and I went to Target twice. Now I’m sitting at my desk eating baker’s chocolate out of the bag and writing poetry about my period.

Ciao muthafuckas,

❤ Lo

Things Are Good

Hey bing-bongs!

This week has been stupendous. I thrive on inexplicable happenings and this week they have been raining down on me like I was Andy Dufresne when he’s all “PEACE Shawshankz, Imma GTFO.*”

(*Paraphrasing.)

My brother had the great fortune of being asked to open with his band Guillermo Sexo for Sky Ferreira/Smith Western at the Paradise Rock Club in Boston. It’s been a dream of his to play there and I was so honored and proud and oh god make the tears stop. But to be able to experience such an important moment in his life was incredible, to say the least.

NOW. This day was going to be special even if nothing else happened except for my brother giving his drums hell.  (Which he did, his bad was phenomenal.)

To list all the synchronicities would take 600 hours, 8 cups of coffee, and 3 bags of Funyuns to get through.

SO, here is my favorite moment of the day:

I’ve been going to the same coffee shop, every day, for the past 2 years. Every so often, when I’m in the drive-thru, I like to pay for the person behind me. I enjoy the anonymity of it, as I screw in and out of there like Darkwing Duck, but I always secretly hope it makes someone’s day.

From what I hear from the lovely ladies behind the counter- some people enjoy it, some get confused. And that’s okay! Either way I hope there is some shred of happiness brought to them.

The day of my brother’s show, I was in the drive-thru, screeching to Celine Dion as usual. I looked in my mirror and noticed an old pickup truck behind me, and fell in love with the three buck/deer bobbleheads sitting on the dashboard. That is, until I fell in love with the 70-year-old man petting and tending to their furry little heads as he waited behind me. Knowing we were kindred spirits, I paid for my order and his, and drove off to work.

I got to work, parked, and got my things together. When I stepped out, I was met with a pickup truck blocking-in my car. My panic mode stuck full force with my inner monologue coming to terms with my inevitable death. Welp, here’s where I get killed by a raging, murderous, psychopath who looks for sweet, innocent, iced-coffee-drinking girls in their work parking lot at 8am on Wednesdays.” Thankfully, I saw my 3 bobblehead friends on the dash before I started throwing elbows. I was wearing my tight jacket from last year and that puppy would’ve split clean in half if I did any jerky movements, so I mean, thank God, right?!

Delighted to see my new buddy, he thanked me for his coffee, we talked, and before he backed away, he looked me dead in the eye and threw  a peace sign. Normally, that would just be adorable, but it was so jarring the way he did it, I could feel my face drop. I swear on Tasty Burger, there was something about the look in his eyes and the way he threw his hand up, it made me feel like I was staring at my dad (died in2012).

I went into work, peeled the coat off my body, and turned on the radio. I sat for a second processing the little moment I just had. Then I realized one of my dad’s favorite songs was playing, and I was wearing a shirt with the yellow peanut m&m guy on it. My dad worked for Mars for a while, and as kids my brother got the red m&m memorabilia and I got the yellow guy. WEIRD, right?

No?

Well I think it’s weird.

I also think it’s weird how many run-on sentences I used for a grown woman. Hmmm.

But my point again, that was just one small chunk of the day leading up to my brothers show. I am so thankful and elated. No doubt in my mind that my dad was watching.

***

In other news, I have ONE MORE DAY of the Blog Challenge. Thank you guys who have been it! I love your comments and appreciate you sticking with me since I turned the 30 Day Blog Challenge into my 3-Month-Answer-At My-Leisure-Questionnaire. I appreciate it.

OKAY! It’s nap time. Do you have your fleece sheets out?

Until next time, my little Henry Rat-Finklers!

Hey Snatches, Day 28

HEY!

I don’t think I’ve ever used the word “snatch” until now.

I’m not even really sure what it’s supposed to mean.

Anyways, Day 28! Blerg Challenge.

I like the spectrum of these questions. We jumped from what kind of food I like, to the deep underbelly in which my psyche dwells.

That being said, today’s question: What are you looking forward to?

That’s a pretty big question because I’m looking forward to sucking back an iced coffee tomorrow morning, but I’m also looking forward to havin’ some babies some day, maybe, I guess? (Probably not? K bye).

I think the most current exciting thing I’m looking forward to is taking more sketch writing classes. Second City has an awesome online writing program for peoples who can’t get out to Chicago. I took all the classes they had for online writing last year and have been staring at my computer screen until they added more classes. SO YAY!

I also got a new phone because ol’ reliable told me to shut up and go to hell. On the upside, now I can make videos for you to giggle or throw up at.

Anyhoo, I’m gonna go smear some chocolate into my mouth.

Until next time, my little gingerspread clams!

The Best Thing to Happen This Year

Hey childrens!

I think summer is unofficially over. Now I have more time to love and caress you with my words and feelings.

Today is Day 22 of the Blog Challenge, which I’m pretty sure I started in May, but I forewarned you of my lack of focus, so really this is all your fault. Shame on you.

But today’s prompt is: “What is the best thing to happen to you this year?”

There are only a few months left in 2013, so I’m sure some super great things are going to rain down upon me as soon as I publish this post. But for today, the best thing to happen this year….

Is stand-up!

Are you surprised?

No?

Alright fine.

I’ve had a lot of fantastic experiences of all kinds this summer.I won tickets to a Scotty McCreery concert and tickets to Huey Lewis and the News. I got to see Brian Regan and Bill Burr (and meet him!). I got to go to the Eugene Mirman Comedy Festival and see two of my favorite comedians, Jon Benjamin and Bobcat Goldthwait.  I met a lot of new people within the Boston comedy circuit, who are incredible people as well as comedians (not always mutually exclusive, but sometimes.)

BUT the best thing that happened to me this year was taking classes and doing the Student Showcase. It was the best set I’ve had and I got to perform for family and friends. I’ve done open mics, some went okay, some well, and some just fucking sucked. Pardon my French, but if you were there, you’d be fluent too.

It’s hard because you can have a shit set and everyone hates you. Inside you’ll be crying “No, I’m not this terrible! I’m a lovely person and my sense of humor is pretty sharp! That was just terrible because I didn’t practice, and I was nervous, and I’m still learning, but I’m trying, please love me!”

The classes and the Showcase were incredible, but the pathway they opened is even greater.

Is it getting weepy in here?

Anyways, before I starting rubbing the computer all over my body, I think I’m going to grab a Coke and go lay on the floor somewhere. This has been my first full day off, with no commitments, in 3 months. I can’t tell you how excited I am to catch up on the X-Files (I’m 20 years late, I know), and Breaking Bad (I’m 20 days late, I know).

Well my midnight drearies, until next time!

SHOWCASE! And Other Emotions.

Hey kittens!

I’m pretty sure it’s only been two days but it’s felt like an eternity since we last looked longingly into our computer screens at one another’s words and stuff.

Fitting, as George Michael’s “Kissing a Fool” is playing in the background. *kisses screen* Is this weird? Shh, I don’t care. Turn down that backlight while I slip into something more comfortable. *sets up gel wrist cushions to prevent tendonitis*.

Anyways, I’ve been really sick the past few days. There’s a Steve Martin quote from his book “Born Standing Up” that talks about how before preforming an important show the nerves you get as a performer can fight off weight gain and illness, yet 24 hours after you’ve finished the show, you succumb to complete exhaustion and flu-like symptoms.

I’m flu-like symptoms. Hold me. Brush my hair. Tell me I look fine with braces.

But look, I kept my promise! I attached a picture of my gems and footwear that I wore at my showcase.

Why yes, those are RingPop shoes with a a bejeweled RingPop necklace.

Apparently the gummy bear knuckle ring was sparkling so brightly that 3 people in the audience were blinded. There might be a class action suit against me but I don’t really know because I make things up.

Being in the green room was fun. Although I sounded like a clydesdale hoofing it up and down the stairs in the RingPop shoes. There was a lot of excited and nervous energy, but I started getting distracted and I could tell the order of my jokes was running away  down the street to the restaurant I knew I’d be eating at after. I had to stand in a corner and face the wall and shout my jokes at the water heater to make sure they didn’t order a salad over the French onion soup. I ended up getting both later, but that’s besides the point.

The theme of my set was babies. Terrible, terrible babies. I felt a little cliche being a ladygirl and talking about all those darn babies that ruin her life. I have better premises, but there are some that I want to spend more time on because they are like my children (not babies though, gross) and I want to nurture them with PopTarts and watch them grow.

But I did well! Minus blanking when I got up on stage! But that’s okay, because my dress had pockets that I nervously shoved my set list in, along with some granola bar crumbs and a straw wrapper.

I changed a lot of my jokes last minute because I wasn’t feeling 100% behind my material (Even though I had 2 months to prepare. I get a sick pleasure out of torturing myself by doing things last minute. And by last minute I mean changing jokes while I’m pacing in the hall waiting to go on.)

I also didn’t tighten the mic stand because I have marshmallow arms. It started to slowly get lower and lower, so I looked like a troglodyte hunching over the big noise boom stick.

But yay!

This was something I always wanted to do, and the only thing I’ve really cared about consistently. I can play about one and a half songs on every instrument known to creation. I’m decent at roller derby. I can brush my cat really well so she doesn’t get hair balls. But stand-up is my favorite thing and has been since elementary school. In my head I have a reputation of being the crazy girl who shows up to everybody’s comedy shows (famous or local) and has a big goofy smile and eyeballs popping out of her face. I’m not crazy just so excited it that it looks crazy. “My Heart Will Go On” just came on the radio. I think that’s a sign that shows my intentions are as pure as a sweaty palm print in a Renault Type CB Coupe de Ville.

Yoouuuu’re heerrre…therreee’s NOOOOTHIN’ I FEEAAR.

Oh shit, my favorite song (“Wanna Be Startin’ Somethin’) came on after that. This the best day ever. Dance children, DANCE.

Alright, maybe there is a tinge of whacka-doo, but those are great songs and you know it.

Have a great night, and until next time my little PopSharts!

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