Gym Mouse

Hi PingPongs,

I haven’t been to the gym in two weeks and I feel like blob. I work in extremes, so when I’m not at the gym, I’m ripping my cabinets apart looking for a stale granola bar or a dry piece of pasta to gnaw on. As I mentioned previously, my roommate and I spent about $75 on ice cream in the past week and a half. This is after a three week stint of working out every day and drinking lots of juice that claims to be healthy but is more or less rotting my teeth out of my face.

Speaking of rotting teeth, I also found out I love the Snickers Squared Peanut Butter bars. I didn’t even know I liked Snickers. I blame the Easter Bunny. Any kind of chocolate that comes in an egg shape tastes 300x better than in its regular form. I’m sure there’s studies on this somewhere.

I’m not particularly fond of the new trend of drinking only liquids and working out four hours a day until your body is completely chiseled. I think I would be suited better for the 80s or 90s where my zero percent muscle tone was appreciated, even revered. I do feel gross when I don’t move around much though. My head gets foggy and I’m convinced my dyslexia triples in severity. Speaking is hard enough but when I’m sluggish and unfocused, I might as well just hang a little chalk board around my neck like the swan from The Trumpet of the Swan. Maybe I could just get a trumpet and do morse code with it. Again, extremes.

Even though my gym is in the same parking lot as my work, by the time 5pm rolls around I’m ready to go home and toss myself across my bed. I keep telling myself that I’ll get up early and go to the gym before work, but then I start thinking about how tired I might get throughout the day if I go too early. Then I don’t go after work because I figure I’ll go home and go to sleep to wake up early to go to the gym and it just goes on and on and long story short I should probably cancel my membership. They DO have TVs with basic cable and they have towel service so I’m essentially paying them to do laundry while I watch TV.

We’ll see what happens tomorrow. Maybe I’ll go and meet a hunk and he’ll carry me out to my car and buy me Snickers OR maybe the gym’s security personnel will escort me out and tell me to stop submitting requests for a new vending machine and also stealing the towels.

I don’t steal the towels but if they ever cross me, I KNOW I COULD.

Okay, I love you. smoochsmooch xox

I’m in Bed Already, God Bless America

It’s not even 10PM yet and I’m perfecting my nest. I’ve gathered my pillows and bits of hair and twigs that I can wrap myself in to keep warm. I was getting punchy there for a while so instead of using the $30 firming night cream I bought, I dumped a bunch of lavender massage oil in my hands and greased my face up. I’m feeling relaxed.

The downside to being in bed is now that I’m thirsty, trekking the 20ft to get the Brita filter seems unbearable. I could take the 10ft walk to the bathroom and use the tap water there but it’s been leaving red marks in the sink. At least I think that’s from the water but I have been flossing lately.

Anyways, I’m still hyped up on candy since Halloween. Everyday I treat myself to some leftover candy because I NEVER* treat myself! (*And the lie detector determined that was a lie).

Did I tell you I am in love with the guy who works at the gas station down the street from my house? I bet he likes candy too. I’m not sure if he has a girlfriend, wife, boyfriend, or husband but I imagine we would lay together in my nest and feed each other KitKats and Whoopers. The burger not the candy. I’ll let you know if I make any headway in Operation: Let’s Be Gross.

Today was weird. Was today weird for you? Tell me how it was weird for you. I want to know. You’re special to me.

K I love you, yellow looks nice on you.

HELLO THERE.

Today begins my first full week at my new job! HOORAY.

I’m currently sleeping on a blow-up mattress in the apartment BUT I’m getting a brand new mattress on SATURDAY.  ALSO HOORAY. The blow-up mattress isn’t too bad but I’ll take a knife to it if it means I can get my new mattress quicker.

Speaking of news changes, we also got a new TV package. Instead of a ton of  channels now we only get E! and HBO. At my previous job, I listened to a lot of WTF with Marc Maron in my down time. I loved the episode with Mike White and his show Enlightened that ran for two seasons. After having a psychological episode some years ago, I fucking love Enlightened and has been a crutch for me in this time of change. Along with Game of Thrones. And David Lynch movies. And talking about the X-Files. And eating pretzel m&m’s on my couch.

I think change is great but it can be overwhelming when you’re learning a lot of new things. I have to remind myself to be in the moment as opposed to worrying about what may or may not happen in the next. Like possibly saying the wrong thing and then the building explodes. Or me not entering in something correctly and having to jump through the plate glass window and run away. I guess if that happens that just means I wasn’t suited for the job and the job wasn’t suited for me, right?  *pushes down TNT plunger detonator* I had to look up what a plunger detonator was because I wasn’t sure what it was called. I’ve added a picture for you. Image

Well kids, only 4 more days left until my new mattress comes the holiday weekend!

ciao my dolph lundgrens!

$19 In My Bank Account

Have you ever gone shopping and just completely disregarded your budget and bought the soundtrack to Disney’s Frozen? and some mascara? and a KitKat bar?

Strange, ME TOO!

Looks like we’ll both be staying home and watching reruns* of The Wire on our laptops in our mothers’ house. (*Reruns is the new term for “has been renting each season’s DVD set at the local library.” Speaking of which, can you even rent from a library you are not local to? They got rules about that shit.)

While we’re in our homes this weekend, watching our reruns, we can also SELL A BUNCH OF STUFF ON THE INTERNET! In preparation of my move (as mentioned in a previous post, which I’m SURE you’ve read) I’ve been packing up my precious items and discarding items that I know longer need/won’t fit in the UHaul. Need a children’s jewelry box? How about 4 of them? No? We just keep discovering how alike we are! I have an impressive snow globe collection, books, and clothes. Sorry, not giving away my stuffed animals, if I ever need to barricade my door from and intruder or need to choke serial killer, then I’d be really up a creak without a Build-a-Bear. (Thank God I have 6.)

Well my charlatans, it’s bedtime! I’ll let you know if I find some coins in the sofa or behind the washing machine. We can go get ice cream, my treat!

K, love you, bye.

My Best Physical Feature, BY: Me *kisses mirror*

Day 10 of the Blog Challenge!

I have to pick my BEST physical feature.

How do you expect me to do that when all my physical features are THE BEST.

You know, because my self esteem to shooting across the sky like rockets filled with Mentos, Diet Coke, and Pop Rocks.

I don’t think anyone can name their best physical feature with out it looking like a “humblebrag.”

BUT if you’re going to tie my hands behind me back (which I know you are totes doing that virtually), I guess I would have to say….

MY EYELASHES. *bat bat bat*

I’m sure wherever you are sitting you felt like your computer turned on a Beyonce-force fan.

I bet your eyebrows have nearly blown clean off your face.

That whole butterfly effect mumbo jumbo?

I’m totally effecting your world and how you live in it just by how frequently I blink these eyeball hair fans.

 

So there you have it.

Until next time, my little dinette sets.

My Toe is Hanging Off

Hey squeaples.

A couple months ago I got involved with a roller derby team.

Not romantically, but they were having some clinics for skaters to learn new tricks and skills.

I went, I fell on my ass, and I had an awesome time.

After a few hours on your skates, your feet can get pretty numb. If they are too tight or if they haven’t been broken in much they can feel like vice grips.

My feet felt pretty crappy a few days after, but I didn’t think anything about it.

After a couple weeks I couldn’t curl the toes on my left foot. Walking was unbearable. I even made a couple jokes about breaking my foot on Twitter.

It got to the point where I couldn’t wear my new high heels, which have Ring Pops all over it (the design, unfortunately, they aren’t covered in real Ring Pops.)

That being a major crisis, I ended up going to my chiropractor.

He had me lay on his Frankenstein table and tilted it all the way back so I was laying completely horizontal (like most tables).

After an “ahh” and a “mhm” and  some”ooh’s” he came forth with the news. “Your toe is dangling out of it’s socket.”

Hm. As I suspected but did nothing about.

He began strapping my leg to the table.

“Uh, What’s that? I don’t like what you’re doing, why are you doing that, WHAT ARE YO–”

But before he even told me, he was hovering over my foot and with all his weight behind it, snapped my toe back into it’s socket.

He unraveled the tape and pressed the button that made the table move to an upright, vertical position, in true Frankenstein form.  I had to jump off before it kept going 180 degrees and smash me into the carpet.

He wrapped my foot up in the same tape he had strapped my leg down. “Keep this one for a couple days, maybe a 4 to 5 days, maybe a couple weeks. And don’t get it wet.”

I took it off after 4 days. I got it wet.

But my toe is all better! It hurts a little, but now I can stomp around in my Ring Pop shoes.

Until next time, gurgle puss!

A Very Winkel Wednesday

A Very Winkel Wednesday

It’s that time of the week again!

Winkel Wednesday!

Go check out all the silly things Mr. Winkel is doing in his down time.

http://mrwinkel.tumblr.com/

Ouchies

Hi kitnips!

I tore my leg out of it’s socket today. You would think it might have been from the twenty minutes I spent doing mountain climbers, or the hour of boxing, or maybe even rolling over the hood of my car trying to get away from the mob. All valid excuses and I’m sore from all of those, but I really did some damage when I bent over to pick up the M&M I dropped. I didn’t think before I leapt into action, I just couldn’t risk it rolling under my desk or beneath my dresser. I couldn’t take the chance. I’m at least 80% sure that was dust and not cat litter.

In other news, I’m too lazy to do laundry so shorts it is! Fifty degrees can be beautiful providing the wind doesn’t blow over  2mph.

I’m burping up Chinese food, that means it’s time for bed.

Until next time, my bodacious breadcrumbs!

I’m a Piss-Bitch

Hey flarpnarbs

I’m in a real piss-bitch mood. I had 2 cups of coffee and 4 cups of tea, now I’m crashing and trying to chase the high with a little shit ton of macaroni and cheese. It’s not working.

I’ve been hunching over my laptop with my neck sunken down and my head up like a friggen Skeksis. I’m terrible at getting the plates to spin all at once, so now that I’ve kept up with the blog, I’ve totally neglected writing outside of it. Then when it’s 3am and I’m laying in bed with a bag of M&M’s in each hand and a M&M funnel shooting down my throat and I’m sobbing candy-coated tears, I realize I’m not famous because I haven’t been doing shit with myself. Fuck. Sigh.

I’m also looking at a nail polish color called “Fuchsia Bling Bling.” What the fuck does that even mean? Am I missing a cute and delightful reference in my blind piss-bitchery? Either way I think I’m going to bring the iPad to the gym so I can watch the X-Files and work on my glutes simultaneously. That’ll really cheer me up.

Until we meet again, my little Maroon Shing Shing’s.