Be My, Be My Maisy. My One and Only Maisy.

It’s been an eventful week. I got a flat-tire, I pulled my hip out, and my kitty, Maisy, had to go to the big kitty corral in the sky.

I got Maisy and her sister, Litty, soon after they were born in April 1999. I was in fourth grade and had never held a real baby kitten before and ended up panicking and losing control of them while we were still in the driveway. They both scurried under the car before we could even get them house and my mom had some choice words for me about responsibility. Thankfully, they survived their little detour into their new home.

They didn’t have names but once Litty started eating straight from her litter box, well, we’ve never won any awards for being creative. Family legend has it that we named Maisy after the character in Uncle Buck, but in reality (i.e. my reality, which isn’t saying much), we were all in the family room one night with the lights off, about to watch a movie, when there was a commercial for either McDonald’s or Burger King or some other fast food chain, that was giving away Maisy Mouse cartoons or toys. My mother said “Maisy, that’s a nice name” and it stuck.

Being in fourth grade in 1999, we had recently got a family computer to which someone would say I got “excessive” use out of. We received some kind of CD ROM that had all sorts of graphics on it to make posters, awards, etc. Naturally, that meant I had to make official documents stating that Maisy was mine and Litty was my brother’s. Hot of the HP they were shot down almost immediately by the rest of the family. I even had a clause stating that switching ownership was permissible but no one ever reads the fine print.

I grew up with Maisy through grade school and high school, and sure enough she would always be waiting on my bed when I got home from college. I moved out a few years after graduation and would still come and visit my mother and the kitties at least once a month. Every time I left, I would always make sure to kiss each cat and say goodbye. I was home this past weekend and had to rush back to my home (a little less than 2 hours away) to make the pharmacy. I forgot to kiss Maisy goodbye.

A few days later, she appeared to have had a stroke and had renal failure. She made a trip to the vet but being almost 92 in cat years, they said any procedure would only be prolonging the inevitable and it would be wise to consider quality of life. My mom took her home. She seemed to be in pain and stopped eating. A nice veterinarian was able to make a house call a little over a day later and help Maisy take  the big nap.

I miss her already and feel like I’m functioning on a very base level (if I’ve made errors in syntax or grammar, just let this one slide please).

Here she is in her natural habitat, desperately trying to force herself under my sheets.

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Kitties Kitties Kitties

I’ve hopped on board the HMS Neko Astume ship and me and my babies have set sail merrily across the sea. 

For those of you who are unaware, Neko Astume is an app that is essentially a Pokemon game for kitty lovers. You have your little backyard and you set out various toys, food, play houses, etc to lure kitties in. Once a kitty shows up, their data is logged in to a Pokedex type catalogue. You can take pictures and make photo albums and all the fun stuff you’d wanna do if a bunch of kitties were playing in your backyard. Here is a glimpse of one of my more recent discoveries:  

 

They take after their mom, don’t they? 

They also have great names and distinctive personalities.  

 
Bandit IS wild at heart.

At first I thought the game was boring but I find it’s a calming distraction from all the other apps I have. 

I’m curious about the power level for the cat…its gotta mean something more…

My question is Have Your Ever Been Obsessed with a Phone Game? If so, what and  why?

K I love you 143 bye!

FOURDEEN

Pick up the nearest book and flip to page 29. What’s the first word that jumps off the page? Use this word as your springboard for inspiration. If you need a boost, Google the word and see what images appear, and then go from there. 

Day 14 in a 30 challenge that ended a month ago.

“Kool-Aid” from Moshe Kasher’s Kasher in the Rye.

I googled it to see where in the lineup a Family Guy reference would place but surprisingly it came up with the “Kool-Aid Killer” hanging in the top spot. He allegedly poisoned his wife with Kool-Aid and prescription medicine. I was more of a flavored milk girl than a fruity beverage gal myself.

Speaking of prescription medicine, I had to take oxyhoohaa when I got my wisdom teeth out and nearly suffocated myself in my cat’s fur in my delirium. It was traumatic for both of us. She has white fur so Kool-Aid would stain her indefinitely. My hair is kaka brown so when any attempt at dyed tips ended in a tint I’d like to market as bloody stool sample number 40.

I’m tired, rub my butt.

❤ Lo

 

 

Death Becomes Her. (I’m Referring to Myself When I Say Her. I’m Her. Death Becomes Me.)

Everyone harbors special talents that really may serve no purpose except to entertain ourselves. Bragging is unattractive, but I can eat 4 pieces of Texas Toast and sit through 3 seasons of the Sopranos without blinking/exhaling/contemplating my mortality and misguided life choices.

Among giant bread scarfing, filtering my identity out of photos, and mouth breathing, I do have one hidden talent that has remained hidden, as to not frighten the kids/my mom/your nana+papi. ESPECIALLY, your nana+papi. I don’t know if that’s a real word people use for their grandfathers or if I’ve just been exposed to JLO too early in my life to know any difference.

Back to my talent, or maybe it’s more of a condition, but I  have a knack for predicting when someone is about to feel the dank kiss of death. Sometimes days before, sometimes months before they die. DON’T X OUT YET. I have a pretty solid record of being right about it. I can’t name names specifically (at least not usually) but I can tell if male/female, age range, and what type of relationship I have to them. Kind of like those cats that walk around hospitals and snuggle with the old people who are about to die.

WEIRD, RIGHT?

Feel free to ask questions. It’s weird and I don’t even really understand it, but that’s like most secret abilities and gifts, I suppose.

Normally, I would have never shared this on here but it happened when a distant relative died this past week and I was thinking about how I still hadn’t come up with a post for the week. HEHE.

Alright kids, enjoy your Monday!

Love,

Lolo von Iseedeadpeoplebutnotreallythatdbeweirdasshitsteinbergsongirl

P.S. Enjoy this picture of Peaches.

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Weird Things Happen

I love when weird things happen. I could sit and read stories about synchronicity and serendipitous moments until my head explodes.

This week in “My Life is a Whirlwind I Can’t Make Sense of, but That’s Cool I Guess”, I’ve heard The Doors’ song “People are Strange” about four times. The Doors remind me of my dad, who LOVED them, and after hours being forced to listen to them, I find that that song is the one I didn’t hate the most. Even today I heard it and turned to my friend to tell her I’ve heard it more times this week than I think they’re allowed to play on the radio anymore.

Flash forward to this evening when I was locked inside my room, following in my father’s footsteps to the recliner in front of the TV. I just started watching season one of the Sopranos, a show he watched from beginning to disappointing end. I turn in on, about 15 minutes goes by, and a character says “I keep hearing this song in my head, ‘People are Strange.’ You know, by the Doors.”

I had to pause it and try not crap my pants. Out of every episode, I watched that one today. A show shot in 1999. By golly.

In other news, I bought a K-Cup rack on sale for $4.77. They retail $25-35. I nearly spiked it in the middle of Kohl’s, I was so excited.

In even more spike worthy news, I got to interact with the lovely Mara Wilson via Twitter today. I’ve seen her in a couple interviews lately, mostly being prodded with questions about her growing up as a child-star. She seems like an incredibly intelligent, articulate, and funny woman, so I was very excited that she responded to my comment. I take any opportunity to talk or make a joke about The Wire. She even followed me back. I don’t care if it’s petty, that’s pretty friggen great to me.

I hope you guys enjoyed Daylight Savings. I’ll take a 6:44pm sunset after this winter. 50° weather calls for shorts and sunscreen in New England.

I missed Throwback Thursday, so enjoy this picture of my cat who really loves me.

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Goodnight!

Love,

Lolo von Ishovedmyretainersontomyjaggedteethowsteinberson

The Best Thing to Happen This Year

Hey childrens!

I think summer is unofficially over. Now I have more time to love and caress you with my words and feelings.

Today is Day 22 of the Blog Challenge, which I’m pretty sure I started in May, but I forewarned you of my lack of focus, so really this is all your fault. Shame on you.

But today’s prompt is: “What is the best thing to happen to you this year?”

There are only a few months left in 2013, so I’m sure some super great things are going to rain down upon me as soon as I publish this post. But for today, the best thing to happen this year….

Is stand-up!

Are you surprised?

No?

Alright fine.

I’ve had a lot of fantastic experiences of all kinds this summer.I won tickets to a Scotty McCreery concert and tickets to Huey Lewis and the News. I got to see Brian Regan and Bill Burr (and meet him!). I got to go to the Eugene Mirman Comedy Festival and see two of my favorite comedians, Jon Benjamin and Bobcat Goldthwait.  I met a lot of new people within the Boston comedy circuit, who are incredible people as well as comedians (not always mutually exclusive, but sometimes.)

BUT the best thing that happened to me this year was taking classes and doing the Student Showcase. It was the best set I’ve had and I got to perform for family and friends. I’ve done open mics, some went okay, some well, and some just fucking sucked. Pardon my French, but if you were there, you’d be fluent too.

It’s hard because you can have a shit set and everyone hates you. Inside you’ll be crying “No, I’m not this terrible! I’m a lovely person and my sense of humor is pretty sharp! That was just terrible because I didn’t practice, and I was nervous, and I’m still learning, but I’m trying, please love me!”

The classes and the Showcase were incredible, but the pathway they opened is even greater.

Is it getting weepy in here?

Anyways, before I starting rubbing the computer all over my body, I think I’m going to grab a Coke and go lay on the floor somewhere. This has been my first full day off, with no commitments, in 3 months. I can’t tell you how excited I am to catch up on the X-Files (I’m 20 years late, I know), and Breaking Bad (I’m 20 days late, I know).

Well my midnight drearies, until next time!

GooGooBooBoo

Hi kittens,

And hello to you guys too, but I’m mainly talking to my expansive kitten audience.

I haven’t been feeling very well (kittens, come lay on me please) so that’s why I’ve been mysteriously been absent from WordPressistan. 

But lots of crazy things are happening! Like…

I painted my nails black!

I downloaded a song!

I brushed my hair!

I AM very excited to tell you some big news coming up, but not yet, I don’t put out on the first date. Or the 108th blog post. I don’t know if this is 108, but it should be. It’s a nice number.

I’m working on getting pictures together for my post about my Showcase. My mother is sending me all the pictures she took, but she doesn’t have a smartphone so I’ll probably be getting them sometime in the next 6 months. 

Don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing with no owning a smartphone. But when you own a piece of shit and you don’t know how to work the piece of shit and your house is a dead zone then the results may vary. 

Also, if you’re wondering, which I know you’re not but I don’t care this is my blog so I’m going to tell you anyways, I titled this GooGooBooBoo because I’m being a big baby and taking a nappy because I don’t feel good. Please someone wipe my ass for me. I’m tired and sad. 

Okay! That’s all for me. 

See you next time, my Hooked-on-Bonnets!

Blog Challenge Day …6 or something?

My Five Senses. RIGHT NOW.

I don’t really find the significance in this one.

1) Smell: I can smell my cat’s litter box. She has diabetes and a UTI. 😀

2) Sight: I’m staring at my computer because 8 hours of staring at it during work wasn’t satisfying enough.

3) Sound: This actually excites me. I’m listening to David Sedaris on Marc Maron’s WTFPodcast. We all know how much I love David Sedaris. If you don’t know what I’m talking about —>HERE! CLICK ME!<—

4) Taste: Maybe I should brush my teeth.

5) Touch: My keyboard. Click click click.

BLOG CHALLENGE: Day Deux

Twenty facts about me.

  1. I love stand-up (comedy).
  2. My middle name is Kirby.
  3. I love the X-Files.
  4. I got through a couple rounds of tryouts for Wheel of Fortune.
  5. I love roller skating (and derby skating).
  6. I have a yellow rose tattooed on my forearm.
  7. I am heavily considering getting an X-Files related tattoo.
  8. I was a Van Halen girl extra in an Adam Sandler movie. 
  9. I graduated in 2011 with a degree in English with a Writing concentration.
  10. I love Coke. 
  11. I love mocha iced coffee.
  12. I make YouTube videos of Nutcrackers singing. They are intended to be terrible. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UyMvGbPVr1Y
  13. I’m running out of things to say about myself.
  14. I almost pissed in my dad’s ashes once.
  15. I took some writing classes through the Second City and it was the greatest.
  16. My cat has diabetes so I give her shots because I love her furever.
  17. I want to write comedy and do stand-up for the rest of my life.
  18. I play Gears of War a lot.
  19. I’m not certain that I’m using the functions in Gmail correctly.
  20. My first name is Lauren. 

Tah-dah! Not that interesting facts about me.

In all fairness, I am eating ice cream, so that’s distracting.

Until next time, my sklerpnergs.

Ghosts and Things

Italo Calvino said: The more enlightened our houses are, the more their walls ooze ghosts. Describe the ghosts that live in this house: Image credit: “love Don’t live here anymore…” – © 2009 Robb North – made available under Attribution 2.0 Generic

I’ve never done one of these inspiration prompts, so pull up your bootstraps, Sally.

This ghost clearly has self-esteem issues. Do you see how tiny that house is? If it was a lego house it was be 3X5 blocks. It doesn’t even look like there is enough room for a bed. Sure, if the point is to scare people out,  but this isn’t even going to be a challenge. All he has to do is be like YO. GET DA FUQ OUT and people would be like “Oh my God! Look at how small this place is, it doesn’t even have central air!” (Runs away in horror).

Why doesn’t he move to an old abandoned manor with a lot of libraries in it and fireplaces he can start up? That would be spooky. He could vanish through walls and breeze by his victims but only enough that they see him in their peripheral. He can’t even play games like that in the little house. He just has to sit there on the floor waiting for someone to look in the doorway and see what a shit-hole it is that they’ll show themselves out. They won’t even see Barney Ghostman hanging out playing cats cradle with a spider web.

Lazy. It’s lazy ghostmanship.