“Yes And” Your Way to a Promotion*†!

Boss got you down with his latest fribble-frabble nonsense boss talk?

“You’ve been 20 minutes late every day to work but still put down your overtime when you work 5 minutes passed close.”

*ZOOM * YES AND?

Your boss will be so taken back by your leadership skills, he’ll blankly stare at you (obviously impressed) and never doubt your superiority again!

Kooky coworker questioning your choice to hang up on a client with no valid reason other than they were boring the fuck out of you?

*KAPOW* YES AND, KOOKY SUZY FROM ACCOUNTING?!

If Suzy gets cute and tries to follow up with “…and it’s incredibly inappropriate and not tolerated here” simply place your hand over Suzy’s scrunchy little face and give a gentle love push. Just enough to show YOUR authority but just little enough so she doesn’t call THE authorities. If done correctly, she’ll be overcome with how bold and charming you are and she’ll be totally cool about it.

Tired of a hard mornings work and you’re trying to enjoy a nice sandwich in the breakroom when Tony from HR tries to kill your vibes? “But you’re eating my sandwich—“

*DINGDONG! WHO IS IT?* YES AND, DIRT LICKER, THAT’S WHO!

Don’t mistakeTony’s horrified look for weakness. He’s a snake and snakes can only be killed by shoving sandwiches down their throats. Survival 101. You’re welcome.

*The author of this list cannot be held accountable for any jobs terminated from following the aforementioned instructions. Author must receive 10% of any promotion money earned if acquired.

†Not the be confused with the building block phrase “yes and” that nurtures a healthy and constructive improvisation environment.

Like these tips and want more? Check out our full list of tips from the hot book “Yes And” Your Way to a Promotion, now featured on Amazon Prime!

Prophetic Dreams

Maybe they aren’t prophetic dreams, but just some Law of Attraction type business going on.

Either way, the other night I had a dream that I was running away from someone who was trying to kill me. I was in a neighborhood trying to hide behind swing-sets and bushes and chairs. I wasn’t me though, I was an older actress who I’ve seen but could not figure out what her name was and what movies she was from.

I woke up irritated because I knew I couldn’t even cite a movie to try and look her up.
I got up, went downstairs and after a little bit I was on my laptop scrolling through Facebook. Late Night with Seth Meyers had posted a video of an interview with Paula Pell, who I think is one of the funniest and under-appreciated comedy writers in the free world. Paula had never down an interview like that with Seth before so I watched it. She talked about an upcoming movie she had written, starring Amy Poehler, Tina Fey, and a few other familiar names. The only name that wasn’t familiar was Dianne Wiest. So, being someone who needs to know everything all the time, I looked her up.

AND IT WAS THE ACTRESS THAT I BECAME IN MY DREAM.

I can’t help but think that in a parallel universe I AM DIANNE WIEST.

What do you think? What does it all mean?

<3Lo

Moving

I’m moving!

HOORAY.

But you already knew that because you read everyone single update I make and had it marked on your calendars just like me. You’re so thoughtful.

I’m starting my new job on Wednesday and I’m nervous and excited but mostly nervous wondering if they have a fridge I can keep my lunch in.

This week was also the Women in Comedy Festival in Boston! I didn’t get to go to any of the shows but I did get to go to a workshop which was great and it was nice talking to other comedians and writers. Turns out we have a lot of the same irrational fears about not posting enough on Twitter.

I also cut all my hair off! I was getting anxious about it always hanging down my back, that if I didn’t cut it soon I would end up taking matters into my own hands and giving myself a whiffle. Things didn’t get that extreme but maybe someday.

Anyways, here’s to trying to back 20 years of living in the same place into a suitcase that can only hold 35lbs.

ciao gringos

❤ Lo

 

Timeline of My Life…I Mean Day.

Blog Challenge! Day 15!

1) Woke up.

2) Checked horoscope. (Sad, I know).

3) Stood up and walked wearily around my room trying to figure out who and where I was.

4) Showered, beautified, sat in front of A/C.

5) Got in car and drove a bunch to get to my stand-up class.

6) Laughed, performed, laughed, and laughed.

7) Left and went to CVS and got REALLY uncomfortable over a guy yelling about the price of his 20 oz. soda. If they charged $300 for Coke, it’d be worth it PAL.

8) Got in my car and drove a bunch of hours back to my house where I immediately sat and watched the X-Files and ate dinner and waited for ice cream. 

9) Typed this blog post while waiting for ice cream.

10) Still waiting for ice cream. 

And that’s pretty much where I’m at right now, from 7AM to 7:15PM.

Thrilling, right?

***

In other news, I did get to see Brian Regan last night! It was hot as fuck but it was a good show. Didn’t get to meet him after, but we locked eyes at one point and that to me says that we are now BFF’s and we’re going on tour together. Hooray!

Well, I must be getting back to my Mulder now.

Until next time, my little Chicken Diddles!

DAY 13! Blog Challenge.

Hi my sweet little mangoes.

Did you think I would abandon my dedication to this blog challenge?

You did? Me too…oh well! Here’s number 13.

My earliest memory.

I remember lying in a crib during a house party. I was probably 1-2 years old. That’s about it. *sets off fireworks*

Other than that I remember playing with our Fisher Price Little People Parking Garage while listening to “We are the Champions” on repeat. That and Alvin and the Chipmunks covers of Tom Jones songs.

Seems fitting as to how I turned out now.

***

In other news, I’ve been riding on a rainbow wave of comedy lately.

I went to my first open mic. I didn’t perform but I stayed to observe. Not as scary as I thought it was. Even the people who didn’t get laughs were treated well. No pitchforks or torches.

Brian Regan is coming to a venue nearby so maybe I’ll get to meet him. WHO KNOWS. When I got to meet Bill Burr I slobbered all over myself and gushed about all the things he doesn’t care about. But it was a fun experience. I don’t know why I think I don’t get starstruck. Me not sure if thart sketence waz kurect?

Oh well.

Until next time, my thunder babies!

Me so Tired.

It’s true and I’m eating yogurt.

You know everything is going terribly when you’re eating yogurt on a Friday afternoon.

I think I should be doing my DAY 12 Blog Challenge post.

Something about what’s in my fridge.

Well, I’ll tell ya, it’s not yogurt.

I do have pretty cakepops in my fridge! If you don’t know what a cakepop is, they are essentially a mushy part of a cake, balled up and shoved onto a stick, dipped in chocolate, and refrigerated.

I have cookie dough and lemon.

I also have a headache.

They were supposed to be for my birthday party* (*me and my mom) but I’ve been eating them all day. I can’t help it. I’m a woman and I have needs. Needs for cakepops.

I also have 3 day old cupcakes in the fridge.  I also have insulin for my diabetic cat. I think I sense some irony and foreshadowing here.

In any case, I’m typing this with my forehead squarely planted on my desk, arms stretched out, typing like a sleepy Sphynx.

But I get to go see Bill Burr tonight! Which reminds me I haven’t written and all this week, but luckily my best stuff comes out of desperation. I mean, at least I think.

Okay kids, until next time!

Famous People

Hey look!

My friend made a new Twitter page less than 24 hours ago and it already has 10,000+ followers. 

That means he’s super Fay Moose. 

Follow here—>Gay and the City<—-Yay!

And follow me while your at it, kittens —>Lolo!<—Yay!

I’m trying to get to 200 followers so I can apply to become part of a few websites that stream funny people’s tweets. 

Okay, GO TEAM. Aaand BREAK.

Please Haunt Me, Greg Giraldo

I’ve had a talent for willing bizarre things in my life. That includes both good and bad.

Some include:

  • Getting my favorite comedians to retweet me or mention me on a podcast.
  • Getting caught in the middle of a shootout.
  • Dancing around as a Van Halen girl on a movie set for 5 hours.
  • Having a homeless guy chase me through a parking lot and jangle his junk around while pointing at me.

All  instances that I followed coincidences to get to.

I like the idea of synchronicity and every time I’ve followed it, I’ve come out the other end with some sort of story to tell about it.

Greg Giraldo, an awesome comedian, keeps popping up.  In conversations, books,  and on TV. More than I’ve ever seen before, especially considering he died three years ago. I can’t turn a corner without someone mentioning him or some outlet referencing his stand-up.

It’s great, but it’s becoming unavoidable.

So I pulled up some video from his tribute special on Comedy Central. There’s a small segment of him describing his stand-up as “puckish.” I instantly thought of Puck from the Real World circa 1994. That and a Midsummer’s Night Dream poster with Michelle Pfeiffer on it, that hung in my 8th grade English class.

My ability to retain information has gone down since a six month stint in college, so I looked up “puckish.”

Essentially: “playful, in mischievous way.”

An adorable way to describe his comedy.

Then I thought to myself, I wish Greg Giraldo would haunt me and be my spirit guide in the world of comedy.

I thought on it for a while and thought of all the fun adventures we’d have.

Then I went and packed my crap up to go gym.

About ten minutes later, I went outside and opened the driver side door of my car and leaned across it. I threw my gym back to the passenger side, my ass is hanging out the door.

PSSST!

I turned around and looked at my house, thinking maybe my mom was trying to get my attention. Nothing was there.I turned back and started to climb into the car, ass still hanging out, I heard it again.

PSSSSST!

I turned around again, embarrassed, thinking someone was making fun of my ass and I hadn’t been sharp enough to catch them the first time. I turned back to the car.

PSST!!!

I looked around again, at the door of the house, the windows, the neighbors houses, behind the cars. I felt like an asshole. Was someone playing a joke on me and my ass?

It wasn’t an animal, there was no one around, and I haven’t smelt burning feathers recently. It sounded like someone was trying to get my attention.

Awfully, PUCKISH, amiright?

I scrambled into the car, locked the doors, and drove on the lawn.

Could this be another stepping stone on the synchronicity trail?

I’m going to meditate more on this and I’ll let you know if I conjure up anything else.

Until next time, fart-ners.

Attempting Normal

Hooray!

Marc Maron’s new book, “Attempting Normal” comes out today.

I pre-ordered mine in hopes to get the signed poster that was being offered. I sent my e-mail requesting one last week but didn’t get a response (to confirm or deny) being able to get one. My neurosis and paranoia set in, so I figured I’d e-mail them today. I was panicking that they would hate me for my pestering persistence.

I tried to make the e-mail sound polite and professional as possible, but I accidentally left the subject as “FWD: YOUR BARNES AND NOBLE ORDER HAS SHIPPED.”

Shit. They might think it’s spam. But I’m not spam! Just a girl who wants a poster. Why do you think I bought the complete Rocko’s Modern Life DVD set? Free poster. Why do you think I sign up for road races and never run them. Free t-shirts. Any event I ever went to in college regardless of what it was in support of? Free. Friggen. T-SHIRTS.

LIVE FREE OR DIE NAKED/POSTERLESS.

I think there are still some posters left or if you just like reading printed words on dead trees, go here: http://www.wtfpod.com/dispatches/entries/pre_order_attempting_normal

I don’t know how to get links to say a phrase and not just say the whole link, so ignore my quackery*.

In other news, I left my granola bar on my desk and a sunbeam warmed it up so the yogurt part of it tasted like warm frosting. Normally, warm yogurt would make me want to throw up out my ass, but this was really good.

I also recently found out my favorite place to get coffee doesn’t sell strawberry or vanilla frosted doughnuts. I also recently found out I am not confident when writing the word “doughnut.” I figured I can at least get the strawberry ones around Valentine’s Day or maybe ever Breast Cancer Awareness month. I can’t really think of a holiday that would warrant vanilla frosted doughnuts.

Okay, my little circus freaks, until next time!

*I’m not entirely sure that’s a word, but WordPress isn’t telling me I’m wrong so I MUST be right.

Comedy Cruise!

And I’m not using that as a schticky nickname for when Tom Cruise is being a snarky little tart.

But really, there is a comedy cruise! I’ve been eyeing this puppy for a few weeks now. There are going to be some great people on there like Maria Bamford, Marc Maron, and the beloved Eugene Mirman.

Here be the link! —> http://www.boatparty.biz/ <—

They have a payment plan for tickets if, like me, you dedicate too much of your paycheck to iced coffee.

There will also be music going on there too! But Jesus, I’m not going to give you all the details. You have to go look for yourself and be amazed.

Okay, until next time, my sweet roast ducks!