Posted in Read Me

Hi, It’s Me, Your Nana-Mom

Hi PingPongs,

Here is some unsolicited advice I cultivated just for you from my own experience.

If you are a AAA member, you can go to one of their (participating) locations and renew your driver’s license. Why is this of any interest? It is because it took me ten minutes to renew mine and I did it on a Saturday. I used all of my vacation and sick time on my cross-country trip to Colorado so I was worried I was going to take a hit on my paycheck that I’m already stretching to cover my need of signing up for online tarot and realm reading classes.

I also registered as an organ donor while there! I got a tattoo last year so I couldn’t donate blood for a while, so why not jump right back into the saddle  of the body organ and fluids market then to check a little box that could save someone else should the time come. Also, I urge my fellow O Positives to donate blood because it can help everyone and you get snacks and I’ll even hold your hand and brush your hair because I’m your new nana-mom.

Well there is my car driving and blood giving agenda. I’m going to go see if Honey Dew Donuts has any Everything bagels left and then finish reading my $14 magazine about secret societies.

OKAY BYE smooch x

 

Posted in Read Me

Rejected Pitches!

Just like the Rejected Lists series seen here over the years, here are some headline/article pitches I sent out last week to satire news sites that were promptly rejected. Enjoy!

 

Woman Earns PhD After Finishing All 5 Seasons of Oprah’s MasterClass

 

Woman Gives Blowjob the Old-Fashioned Way

 

Boycott Beyoncé: Lemonade Stand Businesses Across America Demolished, Millions of Toddlers Unemployed

(News article interviewing the kids affected by the devastating loss of their businesses. How will they afford book order day at school? Can America ever trust Beyoncé again?

 

Do You Have Delicate Features or Are You Just a Gelfling?

(Style)

I Used a 100% Organic Skincare Line for a Month and Here’s What Happened After I Turned into an Elm Tree

(Style)

Doctor’s Surgically Remove Block of Ice Inside Woman’s Heart, Ex-Boyfriend Brad Goes into Hiding

 

 

World Record: Woman Inducted into Guinness Book of World Records after Sneezing, Coughing, and Queefing Simultaneously Without Combusting Shortly Thereafter

.

I Got Verified on Twitter, Now Bow to Your Goddess

 

 

How to Convince Your Boyfriend It’s Not a Cold Sore, It’s Beauty Mark

IT’S NOT A COLD SORE, WHAT DON’T YOU UNDERSTAND?

 

Help! I Lost My Phone at Coachella and a Stranger Found it and Posted 497 Dick Pics to My Instagram and Now We’re in Love

 

***

Truly shocking how none of these were picked up, right? Pave your own way, kids.

k smooch bye 143 xo olly olly oxen free

Posted in Read Me, Uncatergorized

If You Have Reason to Hate Me, It’s Probably This

Today in the True Heartbreak Times, I destroyed a beautiful relationship in less than a minute of establishing it.

I went out to my car for my lunch break and noticed a little green inchworm hanging out on my car window. Being the lonely troll that I am,  I said “Hi!” to him then got in. I turned on my car so I wouldn’t die of heatstroke and, without thinking, I rolled my window down. It wasn’t until the window was almost fully down that I remembered little buddy from 45 seconds prior and tried to roll the window back up to save him. If he wasn’t chopped in half from rolling the window down, than he was 100% chopped in half now that I ravaged his sweet little body in two different directions on a piece of motorized  death glass.

I’m sure the people walking by were wondering why I had my face two inches from the window with a pained look, mouthing the word “Nooooooooooo!” I have never been more emotionally distraught while on a lunch break and that’s no exaggeration because last week I had my car towed while trying to eat my half cooked chicken in the front seat.

Now all I’m left with is a little green steak smeared across my window.

Rest in peace, little friend. I LOVED YOU.

How do you feel about killing bugs? I typically don’t unless their tying to touch me when I’m in the shower or if their trying to crawl up my butt when I’m on the toilet. RESPECT MY TERRITORY, MONSTER. But this was my friend and I betrayed his trust and smote him into oblivion.

I’m just scared that when it’s my turn, I’m going to get up to the gates and BB Jesus is going to be all smiles but then my little worm friend will lean out from behind him and will bellow “NO!” and all the angels and BB-J will gasp in horror and I will be banished from Heaven and all it’s worm loving bullcrap. IT WAS AN ACCIDENT.

Anyways, I’m barely holding onto reality and I hope you guys have a nice evening and are not falling asleep while trying to watch Inside the Actor’s Studio with James Lipton.

k love you smooch bye 143 xo

 

Posted in Read Me, Uncatergorized

Songs I Listen to Compulsively 5/11 Edition!

Jon & Robin and The In Crowd- Do It Again a Little Bit Slower – What, is this the cutest song in the world? IT MUST BE because it kind of sounds the Monkees and the Brady Bunch wanted to do Cool Jerk/Georgy Girl mashup in the style of Nancy Sinatra and boy, does it work. I heard this song on the radio last week and the carousel sound of the word “slower” at the end of the song has been on a continuous loop in my head.  It’s kind of sad sounding and I want to kiss all my stuffed animals to it.

Taylor Swift – You Are In LoveI largely ignored this song when it came out on the 1989 deluxe album and typically don’t “connect” with Taylor Swift songs but Jesus Christ I listened to this song 8 times today. Her a lot of her songs are unavailable on YouTube due to copyright but I put the iTunes link so you can preview it and hate it then a year later hear it in your car when you’re 20 minutes late to work and realize it’s the greatest song you’ve ever heard about being in love even though you haven’t been in love for some years. It’s a real thrill ride.

Rush – Spirit of the Radio – Speaking of 1989, here’s a link to a live version to Spirit of the Radio. Geddy Lee has a voice of an angel who was formerly an alien prince and also in this video he looks like a nice 90s business-mom. Also, if you haven’t seen Freaks and Geeks, or haven’t seen it in a while, this  video warms my heart.

Okay, I’m tired because I haven’t listened to any of these songs within the past ten minutes and I’m starting to get antsy. I LOVE YOU smooch 143xo.

Posted in Read Me, Uncatergorized

Don’t Shit the Bed (and Other Scary Thoughts)

This week in Things That Have Scared the Shit Out of Me, I’m happy to report that while in a dead sleep at 3:32am this morning, my curtains ejected off the wall and onto my sleeping head. For just a tension rod holding up a sheet of plastic, it sounded like the Titanic smashed through my bedroom window.

You know when people say  to “follow your gut” and you don’t and it’s terrible? WELL, my gut told me three times last night to shut off my window alarm before I went to bed. It’s pretty sensitive so rattling can set it off and THANK GOD I listened and shut it off. Had that thing gone off last night I would’ve pissed in my bed, no questions asked. It has a piercing chirp sound that is so loud that it’s disorienting. When I was setting it up and accidentally set it off, I stared at it, ears pulsing, and lost all ability to read the ONE switch that can either be pushed On” or “Off.” Needless to say I am thankful I did not have to use my rubber sheets this time.

The curtain falling down has happened before and it’s never during the day or some time a little more convenien like not through the hours of 10:30PM and 7:30AM. I ended up nailing thumbtacks through the sheet hanging it over my window. I call it “Asymmetrical on a Budget.” I hung it horribly so one side is about a foot higher and is letting so much light in I might actually crawl out of my cave and go outside and roll in some dirt.

Anyways, I’ve yawned 437 times in 30 seconds so I love you, smooch smooch, and higher a contractor, handy man, or personal decorator for all your curtain needs amen.

 

Posted in Read Me, Uncatergorized

Ah, Delightfully Offensive Cartoons Make My Heart Glad

I had ice cream four times in two days and I feel like I’m dying.

I’ve wrapped myself in my 47lb furry bathrobe and have been horizontal for the past five hours.

When I’m lethargic, dyslexia takes the wheel and uses the monster truck for a Sunday drive over my motor skills. While trying to add No Doubt’s “Hella Good” to a playlist (shut up), I typed in “Hood Gel” and surprisingly still managed to find the song without having to retype it. Take pleasure in the small successes. Also, I think Hood Gel would be a great name for a gel that promises to cement your hair down so you can wear a hood and pull it off without ruining your hairstyle. Nvm, I just filed for the patent, sorry.

Needing a pick-me-up, I started looking for Tiny Toons videos, as one does when they are tired and need to refresh themselves mind, body and soul.

Thankfully, I found the perfect video. Now I can pinpoint the exact moment my childhood started falling apart.

Screen Shot 2016-05-01 at 7.46.03 PM
click here if you dare

This is probably why I started doing comedy. At least now I have an accurate timeline for my memoir.

My power just went out so I think that’s a sign that maybe I should get off my computer for 10 minutes and get up and walk around and maybe breathe clean air instead of mouth-breathing into my bathrobe collar that I have covering my entire face.

alright, darlings – inhale, exhale, smoochsmooch143

Posted in Read Me, Uncatergorized

Might as Well Face It, You’re Addicted to L…ooking at Your Phone

Hi My Little Sweetheart Darlings,

I’ve come to face the fact that I am a slave to my iPhone.

200
Please say you’re at least 50% charged.

I meditate, I read books about spiritual consciousness and  ego, I take probiotics, I DO IT ALL. Yet still, when I see other people craned over their phones I think, Huha! Thank God that’s not me!   … and it is absolutely, 100% me.

Every night to wind down, I think about climbing onto my bed to meditate and then get under the covers to read for bit. In reality, I climb onto my bed, think about meditating for five minutes, decide to skip it and get under my covers to read, take out my phone  and look at it for two hours instead, decide I’m finished and pick up the book and fall asleep with the book on my face three sentences later.

I talk about how great meditation and stillness is while I’m still holding my phone a millimeter away from my eyeballs. I move from post to post from app to app and if the first thing doesn’t entertain me, then I know there are literally millions of videos, pictures, tweets, I could look through to preoccupy my thoughts from focusing on my very own mortality. I think it’s also the reason going to the movie theaters seems like an a laborious task. What if the movie is boring? YOU MEAN I HAVE TO SIT THERE AND WATCH IT INSTEAD OF FLIPPING THROUGH 500 THINGS THAT MAY POSSIBLY NUMB ME INTO THINKING I’M NOT BORED. Even while writing this post, I’ve looked at four different articles, opened Facebook three separate times, bought $144 worth of clothes off NastyGal, and made myself an ice cream.

Holy Christ.

There are so many things I want to do. I have a giant coloring pad the size of a mini-fridge with all the goals I want to meet with writing and comedy written on it. If I lived without my phone like I did in middle school, coming home, watching Garfield & Friends, then coloring or drawing or singing or dancing to Brandy alone in my room, I’d most likely be cranking out projects at a much higher rate or consistency.

I did join a few writing groups, mostly women, and every day at least 5-10 people share all the great essays or articles they have published all over the place. Despite having a few things published, seeing other people do it demystifies the process for me and dispels the fear that the writing biz is washed up. If you write it, they will publish. 

giphy (1)

The challenge now is to put into practice what I think about doing which shutting off my goddamn phone for five minutes and creating something that people may benefit from.

If you haven’t listened to the Pete Holmes podcast “You Made it Weird” with Garry Shandling as the guest, I suggest you find the time. Garry nails it by explaining that yeah, we say all these thousands of heartfelt mantras and quotes, but Jesus Christ, you have to LIVE by what they say instead of just reading them and being like, “Yeah! I get it!”

Now the sneaking feeling that I’m being unproductive it setting in. I’m going to go do overkill and try to work on ten different projects at once, burn out, and be mad at myself for not finishing anything and look at my phone for four hours. Hehe!

giphy (2)

Okay my dears, smoochsmoochsmooch bye143.