Might as Well Face It, You’re Addicted to L…ooking at Your Phone

Hi My Little Sweetheart Darlings,

I’ve come to face the fact that I am a slave to my iPhone.

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Please say you’re at least 50% charged.

I meditate, I read books about spiritual consciousness and  ego, I take probiotics, I DO IT ALL. Yet still, when I see other people craned over their phones I think, Huha! Thank God that’s not me!   … and it is absolutely, 100% me.

Every night to wind down, I think about climbing onto my bed to meditate and then get under the covers to read for bit. In reality, I climb onto my bed, think about meditating for five minutes, decide to skip it and get under my covers to read, take out my phone  and look at it for two hours instead, decide I’m finished and pick up the book and fall asleep with the book on my face three sentences later.

I talk about how great meditation and stillness is while I’m still holding my phone a millimeter away from my eyeballs. I move from post to post from app to app and if the first thing doesn’t entertain me, then I know there are literally millions of videos, pictures, tweets, I could look through to preoccupy my thoughts from focusing on my very own mortality. I think it’s also the reason going to the movie theaters seems like an a laborious task. What if the movie is boring? YOU MEAN I HAVE TO SIT THERE AND WATCH IT INSTEAD OF FLIPPING THROUGH 500 THINGS THAT MAY POSSIBLY NUMB ME INTO THINKING I’M NOT BORED. Even while writing this post, I’ve looked at four different articles, opened Facebook three separate times, bought $144 worth of clothes off NastyGal, and made myself an ice cream.

Holy Christ.

There are so many things I want to do. I have a giant coloring pad the size of a mini-fridge with all the goals I want to meet with writing and comedy written on it. If I lived without my phone like I did in middle school, coming home, watching Garfield & Friends, then coloring or drawing or singing or dancing to Brandy alone in my room, I’d most likely be cranking out projects at a much higher rate or consistency.

I did join a few writing groups, mostly women, and every day at least 5-10 people share all the great essays or articles they have published all over the place. Despite having a few things published, seeing other people do it demystifies the process for me and dispels the fear that the writing biz is washed up. If you write it, they will publish. 

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The challenge now is to put into practice what I think about doing which shutting off my goddamn phone for five minutes and creating something that people may benefit from.

If you haven’t listened to the Pete Holmes podcast “You Made it Weird” with Garry Shandling as the guest, I suggest you find the time. Garry nails it by explaining that yeah, we say all these thousands of heartfelt mantras and quotes, but Jesus Christ, you have to LIVE by what they say instead of just reading them and being like, “Yeah! I get it!”

Now the sneaking feeling that I’m being unproductive it setting in. I’m going to go do overkill and try to work on ten different projects at once, burn out, and be mad at myself for not finishing anything and look at my phone for four hours. Hehe!

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Okay my dears, smoochsmoochsmooch bye143.

 

Disregarding the Question Entirely and Showing You Pictures of Stuff I Like

Hey fartsniffers!

It’s Day 25 of the Blog Challenge that I’ve managed to stretch out over the course of 4 months.

I’m going to continue my lax attitude by ignoring this question all together.

The question was “What are your 5 favorite blogs?

I don’t  read blogs too much, but when I need to laugh, there are 5 comics I like to go to.

1) Owl Turd Comix

Below is one of my favorite comics from Owl Turd. The facial expressions kill me.

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2) Gunshow by KC Green

I don’t think needs an explanation.

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3) Calm Blue Oceans

These usually have a life lesson with a little twist to them. Two of my favorites:Image

annnnd

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4) Three Word Phrase

Another one that doesn’t need any explanation.

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AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST.

5) Natalie Dee

One of the first things on the internet that I identified with. That’s saying something.

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Yay!

Well time to go watch a heart-wrenching movie and pour ice cream down my throat.

Until next time my little satchmo toot-toot-dee-doots.

Bucket List

Day….six…teen….need…waterrr…

Half way through the Blog Challenge!

Today’s questions is…

What’s at the top of your bucket list?

Right now I’m working on one of my top goals which was “watch every episode of the X-Files.” 

I’m almost done with it! 

Some others include “go on vacation (to white sand beach/luxury hotel)” and “become famous.” There’s also something on there about patting an elephant. They seem nice.

My stand-up class is almost over! 

I’m going to be sad once it’s over, but it’s been a lot of fun taking it. 

My showcase is coming up next week, so I’ve been mumbling to myself a lot, trying to remember lines. 

Well, I can’t stick around, I’ve got to shampoo my hair and burn it straight.

Until next time, my little shartdonays!

If I Won the Lottery…

…and by if I mean WHEN.

Because positivity, you know?

But for realnessess, I would pay off any debts of my family and friends had. I don’t think people should have to worry about money. I know that sounds naive and unrealistic for most people, but in the bigger picture I don’t think it’s worth it.

That being said, I would also like to start wiping my butt with twenties.

I would also buy back an independent movie theater that was shut down near my town. It was bought and was going to be turned into something sad like an apartment building, but those plans fell through.

Anyways…I’m going to see Brian Regan tonight! HOORAY!

Okay! Until next time my little cucumbermelonheads!

 

DAY 13! Blog Challenge.

Hi my sweet little mangoes.

Did you think I would abandon my dedication to this blog challenge?

You did? Me too…oh well! Here’s number 13.

My earliest memory.

I remember lying in a crib during a house party. I was probably 1-2 years old. That’s about it. *sets off fireworks*

Other than that I remember playing with our Fisher Price Little People Parking Garage while listening to “We are the Champions” on repeat. That and Alvin and the Chipmunks covers of Tom Jones songs.

Seems fitting as to how I turned out now.

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In other news, I’ve been riding on a rainbow wave of comedy lately.

I went to my first open mic. I didn’t perform but I stayed to observe. Not as scary as I thought it was. Even the people who didn’t get laughs were treated well. No pitchforks or torches.

Brian Regan is coming to a venue nearby so maybe I’ll get to meet him. WHO KNOWS. When I got to meet Bill Burr I slobbered all over myself and gushed about all the things he doesn’t care about. But it was a fun experience. I don’t know why I think I don’t get starstruck. Me not sure if thart sketence waz kurect?

Oh well.

Until next time, my thunder babies!