Rose Gold Minnie Express

Hello my feet are freezing but I just painted my toe nails so I guess I will suffer softly on my couch while watching one of the many Rush documentaries I have in my streaming queue.

I’ve been in a finicky mood lately. I can’t listen to music or watch TV or do most anything without feeling distracted. I might just be cranky because I’ve been eating cereal for most of my meals after a long hiatus from milk. I also get a little unbalanced when I feel I haven’t written a good joke or something funny in a while. It’s easy to slip out of feeling funny or just rusty in general. I can’t avoid the cliche that it is a muscle you have to work out constantly to see the results.

I canceled my subscription to Microsoft Office and have been using Pages on my MacBook. Something felt weird about paying $11 to use a word document. I think I might even like Pages more but I don’t know if that’s my velcro PowerPuff Girls wallet talking.

Another new thing, I  didn’t realize Kiki’s Delivery Service was 2 hours long so I haven’t finished it yet. There’s been an event on the Disney Emoji Blitz for “Rose Gold Minnie” so I’ve hung up reading and watching items for a short period of time (really short, about 48 hours)  to get Rose Gold Minnie so I can feel fulfilled for about 45 minutes.

I did put on a documentary on Hulu called Crazy About Tiffany’s and it made me feel really gross. When I was in high school the trends were North Face jackets, Coach purses and Tiffany’s  bracelet/necklace. How anyone in my high school could afford that or where they even got the idea that they needed it is beyond me. My grandmother got me a plated knock-off heart bracelet with a little plastic ruby in it. I’m embarrassed now that I was embarrassed by it then. I hope I still have it somewhere.

It was interesting watching the artistry with mixing the colors to get the “perfect” (read: trademarked) robin’s egg blue. Also the jewelers portion was curious to watch because I work in a small scale jewelry casting house and there doesn’t seem to be much variation.

Anyways, I just ordered a pizza and will now watch it on the pizza tracker until it arrives and  I can kiss it.

Bye!

I Guess I Should Talk About My Resolutions

It’s that time of year again where we all puff out our waxed and buffed chests and scribble our noble resolutions in cherry scented Mr. Sketch markers for everyone to see and sniff! Amiright?

Last year I only made one resolution, which was to say “yes” to more opportunities… even if I wasn’t 100% on going/doing/whatevering them. It worked out pretty well, aside from me saying “yes” to a Nordstrom Credit Card and “yes” to the $300 Classique Entier jacket and “yes” to the cashier when she asked if I wanted to use my Triple Points.

Buuuuuut I also said “yes” to my lovely new car and “yes” to quitting my unfulfilling job and “yes” to moving out of my childhood home and “yes” renting my first apartment.

                                     Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. yes.

I have no recollection of 2013. I think it was a year of stillness: Going to a mind numbing job everyday, coming home and sitting on my couch for the rest of the night, and growing unhealthier in mind, body, and spirit by the second. 2014 was the year of watching The X-Files and Twin Peaks and The Sopranos. A lot of healing through binge watching television shows. In 2014 I also stopped being completely sedentary and upgraded to walking to the garbage can to throw  my chocolate wrappers away instead of leaving them all over my chest for my mother to brush off. Thanks Ma!

Play that chocolate like a harmonica, baby.

For 2015 I think it’s time to be a more proactive and forthright with my writing goals and getting more pieces published. I know what I want and what I can achieve but I just don’t apply the effort. I’m still not done with The Sopranos and I just started Six Feet Under, so I might have to take a HBO On Demand hiatus and work on my shit instead of the other way around. I wonder if I’m either the antithesis or the prime example of a young, anxious writer. I psych myself out of writing on certain topics because I think “why would anyone want to read this?” Meanwhile, I’m on the most butthole boring websites until 2AM, reading anything I can.

    Here I am enjoying my morning coffee after 3 hours of sleep.

I also think I’ll be giving more. I never really understood how much I was supported until I moved out of my house. I can work myself up in a tizzy worrying about protecting my money, while completely ignoring the fact that just like most things, there’s an ebb and flow. You have to be willing to release to receive.

Also, I’ll be proofreading my posts before I submit them. HOORAY!

SO, my pretty little babies…What are your resolutions, goals, and/or dreams for 2015? I WANNA KNOW!

Okay, love you forever remember not to stick your hand down the disposal!

BlackMail

My mother has a video on her phone that she sent me. I do not get embarrassed easily. This past week one of my coworkers didn’t knock on the bathroom door and I fell off the toilet and onto my  hands and knees with my pants around my ankles trying to prevent her from coming in. Doesn’t shake me. 

But this video is from my cousin’s crazy awesome wedding. It was taken after I spent 45 minutes trying not to throw-up the 5 sparkling wines I threw back. My face was broken out in hives from wearing a dress made of what I can only assume now was cheesecloth and tulle. On top of the hives was a sheen (I think gel is more appropriate) of sweat, glistening with every light beam bouncing off it.  

I am screaming. I am jumping. I am ferociously vogueing (Paris is Burning, not Madonna) but with no purpose to my actions. My eyes are looking in two different directions. I’m slurring the words to “Love Shack” yet still maintaining a constant guttural sound like one I imagine Jane came to know in her days spent with Tarzan. 

Watching the video, I laughed so hard I peed my pajama capris. Tears pooled out of the corners of my eyes but I think that was more out of disappointment that I thought I was doing a GREAT job. Everyone was cheering and clapping. Yeah, Lo. No wonder everyone was clapping…there was a little monkey girl dancing for peanuts and one dollar bills! I like one dollar bills though. Keep thrown’ those. 

Somewhere inside, I think I secretly hope more videos and pictures come out to validate my existence of a truly absurd expression of human life. 

In other news, it’s Otis Redding’s birthday today. Watch this and be dreamy. 

Ok I love you ❤

Loss

Day Four of the Writing101 Challenge.

Write about a loss. Something or someone who isn’t in your life any longer.

For this question I didn’t want to talk about obvious loss like death, moving,  graduating from school, or that time I got my wisdom teeth out and lost all sensation in my bottom lip for a year. Tehe. Loss doesn’t have to be bad at all.

One thing that I don’t have in my life any longer (or at least most of the time) is the overbearing feeling of caring what other people think of me or being embarrassed of myself. That isn’t to say I don’t have days where I feel uncomfortable in my own skin or feel a bit anxious around others. I think that happens to everyone. BUT being embarrassed to speak up for yourself or to worry if others will like you and/or your creative work is bullshit. Just do what you like. That goes without saying if you’re hurting others and being an all around asshole, then cut that shit out, but other than that YOU DO YOU BABY.

I’ve always been incredibly shy and afraid of people thinking my opinions were stupid. Maybe my opinions were stupid but that doesn’t make them any less valid or worthy of sharing. I grew up desperately avoiding the possibility of ever being wrong. Instead of trying and failing, I wouldn’t even try. Horrible mistake. It’s like in Finding Nemo when Dory advises Marlin about how he smothers Nemo.

“Well, you can’t never let anything happen to him, then nothing would ever happen to him.”

It sounds like what I was doing to myself. Impeding my own growth by trying to protect myself. My fears were based on situations that were probably never going to happen, and if they did, the damage would only last a few seconds.

What’s the big deal? Am I going to be right ALL THE TIME? Absolutely not. In fact, I’m usually wrong about a lot of things but at least it’s the quickest way for me to learn.

*cracks knuckles*

SO, in conclusion, don’t ever feel embarrassed about yourself. Whether it’s something you tried and failed at or something you did that didn’t turn out the way you thought it would.

Just relax. It doesn’t matter.

If someone judges you or makes you feel inferior about something you tried, then they are dealing with something deeper than what you’re doing. Constructive criticism is a wonderful tool but if it’s criticism for the sake of criticizing- don’t take it as the indisputable truth. In any case, as my dear mother RuPaul says “Your opinion of me is none of my business.”

Be wrong, feel silly, and do what you feel is fulfilling and true for you. There are great lessons in those moments.

images

K bye my loveducks.

❤ Lo

**P.S. Please follow me on Twitter, @LoloVonK ! **

Do You Want to Build a Snowm–I Mean Write a Book?

I’ve seen Frozen three times, cut me some slack. 

Also, my laptop is about to die so this whole post may be a jumbled crapball. I COULD go downstairs and get my charger but shut up already, jeez what’re you my mom? Oh? You ARE? MOM STOP READING MY BLOG, GOD. 

But I digress.

I’ve been meaning to smash a bunch of my essays together and wrap some hard plastic around them and call it a book, but I’m going to take the time and energy and make it my best. The overall theme of it will be the tragedies in my life, infused with my own sick sense of humor, of course. I have some (true) stories, if you could voice your opinion on what you might like to read?

Some toupées: 

I mean topics:

1) Worcester, MA- Part One-In which my friend and I get chased by a homeless man. SPOILER: He jerks off on the car.

2) Worcester, MA- Part Two-In which we did not learn our lesson the first time, so we get caught in the crossfire of two rival street gangs. (Yes, guns. Bang, bang, shoot-em-up.)

3) The Dentist-Part OneIn which the dentist drops his drill and I attempt to swallow it.

4) The Dentist-Part Two– In which the dentist removes my wisdom teeth and also part of my nerve, leaving my face numb (forever).

5) The Accusal- In which my fellow kindergarteners accuse me of stealing the markers and drawing on the walls. But did I really do it?

6) Vacation From Hell: Mexico-In which we have no money, no clothes, and are driving with an insane man that only speaks in Beach Boys lyrics. 

7) College Graduation– In which I am in my driveway at 8:30am. Graduation starts at 9am. I am an hour and a half away. Do I make it in time? Some factors: My mother having diarrhea, makes me stop for anti-diarrheal medicine, I knock down the display. Does she shit in my car?

Those are just some of the stories I’ve wanted to tell for a while. Let me know!

K love you or whatever, my twinkling stars. 🙂 

 

$19 In My Bank Account

Have you ever gone shopping and just completely disregarded your budget and bought the soundtrack to Disney’s Frozen? and some mascara? and a KitKat bar?

Strange, ME TOO!

Looks like we’ll both be staying home and watching reruns* of The Wire on our laptops in our mothers’ house. (*Reruns is the new term for “has been renting each season’s DVD set at the local library.” Speaking of which, can you even rent from a library you are not local to? They got rules about that shit.)

While we’re in our homes this weekend, watching our reruns, we can also SELL A BUNCH OF STUFF ON THE INTERNET! In preparation of my move (as mentioned in a previous post, which I’m SURE you’ve read) I’ve been packing up my precious items and discarding items that I know longer need/won’t fit in the UHaul. Need a children’s jewelry box? How about 4 of them? No? We just keep discovering how alike we are! I have an impressive snow globe collection, books, and clothes. Sorry, not giving away my stuffed animals, if I ever need to barricade my door from and intruder or need to choke serial killer, then I’d be really up a creak without a Build-a-Bear. (Thank God I have 6.)

Well my charlatans, it’s bedtime! I’ll let you know if I find some coins in the sofa or behind the washing machine. We can go get ice cream, my treat!

K, love you, bye.

Take My Shirt

I don’t like doing mushy goo-goo posts, but I can’t ignore this.

I live in Massachusetts, and have many family and friends that live in Boston. You can imagine the lump in my throat when I read the headlines at work. My brother, my cousins, my friends, my brother’s friends, my friend’s friends, their families–any one of them could have been there. I don’t take that lightly.

I debated about writing something on the explosions because I don’t want to give attention to the person or people responsible. I do want to give attention and praise for the good people who were there, who went running towards the chaos instead of away. I can’t say that I would do the same. I run away when someone throws up. I hide when someone even begins to talk about a toenail that got ripped off a few summers ago. Surprising for a person who talks about violent diarrhea so much.

I am so thankful for doctors, nurses, police officers, fire rescue teams, emergency responders, and good-willed people in general. Sometimes I feel like a piece of shit troglodyte because I can’t contribute so powerfully in a life or death situation. I do my best to try to make people laugh, to feel better, and to get them step back and realize there is humor in nearly everything. All the hard work that people do for me and for strangers everyday, does not go unappreciated.

If you couldn’t gather, I believe in the power of positivity no matter what. I know, I know, granola girl is standing on her earth-friendly soapbox again, but bear with me. Even in tragedy I want to make you smile, even if it’s just for one smidgen of a second that you feel good, it makes me feel better. The world feeds off positivity, no matter what you believe in.

It’s like Monsters, Inc. Laughter and positivity are more powerful than fear and negativity. Instead of praying that someone doesn’t die, pray that they live. Instead of praying for tragedy to end, pray that harmony begins. I know I sound like a crackpot (or a crackhead) but I think it makes a difference. Would you believe me if I said I really don’t own anything with peace signs on it?.

I am so deeply sorry for anyone suffering right now. I hope and pray that a lot of miraculous healing goes on for the people physically afflicted. My thoughts and prayers are with families and friends of anyone who was hurt or who separated from their loved ones. Boston has some of the best hospitals, so I know everyone is getting taken care of. Boston also has some of the best people, I’m sure if you need help or just need to talk, anyone will tear the Red Sox shirt off their back for you.

I don’t mean to make light of anything. Humor is a coping mechanism, and a damn good one.

Thoughts and prayers to all.

Until we meet again, my sweet chicken tenderloins.