Online Portfolio and Enya Jokes

I finally put together an online portfolio!  Now all my articles from McSweeney’s, Reductress, xoJane (and more?) are in one place for you to look at or ignore, I don’t care.

This might be my first post since the new year so here’s a picture of me doing standup on New Years Day! This is part of the annual 100 First Jokes show that happens at ImprovBoston. It’s probably more likely 200 First Jokes as every year the amount of comedians that perform grows which is awesome and really exciting and also a reminder to carry hand sanitizer with you in the green room.

screen-shot-2017-01-15-at-3-13-13-pm

thank you to my friend Joe for capturing my set-up of an enya masturbation joke

I’ve been working on a few new sets including my time at summer camp where I purposely pissed my pants so my mother would have to pick me up and also one about how I’ve been mysteriously ill for a year and got a balloon shoved up my ass in the name of medical science. Dreams do come true.

Speaking of dreams, I’m adding “become the most sought after creative consultant in North America”  to my bucket list. I think it fits nicely with “get my phone shaped like Star Trek’s Starship Enterprise to work” and “ride an orange bike.”

giphy

Alright, that’s all I have to say for now. Here’s the link to –> my portfolio <– again! Click and look and be amazed that I could copy and paste links in an orderly fashion because honestly I was skeptical of my abilities too.

love you BYE xo143

Songs I am Currently Obsessed Week (4/11)

Not surprising that I still listen to songs one million times in a row for weeks at a time. Very few are new too, so this list is extra special because I have one that was not written and recorded between 1993-1995! Here we go! Links are in the title of each song.

 

Hassle Magnet – Hallelujah the Hills

This is my new go-to song for driving when I want to stare out my window and be moody and pretend I’m a movie’s anti-hero that is about to put their foot through the front door of my arch nemesis who has just wronged me.

La Sonadora – Enya

Every time I hear this song I want to sit down in the middle of room and shut all the lights off and burn sage and astral project into another lifetime, thank you.

One Caress – Depeche Mode

I’ve listened to this song every day for the past two weeks. I plan on listening to it for 400 more consecutive weeks. I also would like to wear black lipstick and draw really dark and incredibly arched eyebrows on myself and twirl around in a black hooded cloak.

Hooray! What year are you perpetually stuck in? Any songs you’ve been singing lately? TELL ME. k love you.

 

 

Fun with Rashes

Hey Squiggledots,

I think I’m allergic to my pants.

I started getting a pretty rash on my legs and I assumed it was from my pants being skin tight and wearing them in the dead heat of summer because heh heh why wouldn’t it be! But it wasn’t.

After some very legitimate research on the internet, I decided it’s from wearing heavily dyed fabrics (read: all I own are black jeans) rubbing against my delicate little snowflake legs. Snowflake as in, Snowflake the Dolphin, the star of the hit movie Ace Ventura: Pet Detective. We have a similar nice, rubbery texture to our skin.

Before I realized it was probably a textile allergy, I tried pouring hydrogen peroxide on it in case it was some type of 28 Days Later infection. I poured and poured waiting for it to bubble and burn but nothing happened. I tried again the next day with apple cider vinegar, nature’s cure, and my legs nearly fucking ignited. I sizzled like the little slug that I am.

Now I’m cutting off the leafs of my mom’s aloe vera plant and squeezing the juice onto the burns I created with the apple cider vinegar. I’m just a treat when I come home for the holidays.

Anyways, I’m trying to finalize my annual Christmas card costume. Last year I dressed as a giant reindeer and this year I’m trying to decide on how big of a schmuck I want to look like. 🙂

Okay! I love you! Go listen to Enya whydoncha!