Food Food Food Food

I used to  take surveys and post them on MySpace all the time. I just ate a whole pizza so I thought I’d keep the fun going by answering some food related questions! Link to original survey embedded in the Food Survey title!

Food Survey 

1.     How do you feel about golden oreos?

Second hand Vienna fingers. 

2.     What is your favorite dessert topping?

I’ve been recently into KitKat chunks and/or Reese’s cup chunks. 

3.     What is your favorite flavor/brand of bubble gum?

BubbleYum or Grape Big League Chew

4.     Favorite cheese?

Mozzarella.

5.     Favorite Lunch Meat?

Mortadella because salt is god.

6.     Favorite ice cream flavor?

“Just Jimmies” by Brighams or Black Raspberry Chip from the Polar Cave ice cream parlor.

7.     Best looking food?

I like the way cartoon pizza looks. In real life, maybe one of those glazes hams with the pineapple on it.

8.     Best food to put cheese on?

Dumping shredded cheese one top of cold salsa.

9.     Best sexual food?

Are we taking aphrodisiacs or licorice underwear?

10.   Best tasting drink in the summer?

Moscow Mule

11.   Best tasting drink in winter?

Moscow Mule.  I’m not as opaque as I’d like to be.

12.   Best food for a night out with friends?

All foods.

13.   Best foods to eat with a roll?

Pasta or soup.

14.   Messiest food, in your opinion?

Burger.

15.   Easiest food to prepare?

Pasta.

16.   Cheapest food you ever ate?

Ramen Noodles.

17.   Most expensive food you ever ate?

Some sort of steak, I’d imagine.

18.   Stinkiest food you ever ate?

I don’t eat stinky food.

19.   Favorite dipping sauce?

Sweet and sour  sauce or the garlic aioli from Night Market in Cambridge, Ma.

20.   Best pizza topping?

Onions….or maybe a sprinkle of feta.

21.   Favorite potato chip flavor?

Sea Salt & Vinegar.

22.   Most toxic substance you ever ate?

Probably cheetos.

23.   Most calories you ate in one meal?

The pizza I ate this morning. I wish I were joking.

24.   Favorite soda?

Coke. 

25.   Favorite flavor of juice?

White grape mixed with anything.

26.   Favorite Vegetable?

Water chestnuts. Although, I think they might be a fruit. Whatever.

27.   Favorite Fruit?

Water chestnuts?

28.   Worst canned food?

All canned foods. 

29.   Best side dish?

Baked mac&cheese.

30.   Worst fast food restaurant?

Wendy’s? Mainly because of mayonnaise. 

31.   Best restaurant?

I’ll forever be in love with Night Market as mentioned previously.

32.   Best smelling food?

French onion soup.

33.   Favorite appetizer?

Maybe those onion string things. I could shovel those for days.

34.   Favorite cookie flavor?

Oatmeal chocolate chip… or a raspberry linzer.

35.   Favorite cake flavor?

ICE CREAM!

36.   Favorite pie flavor?

Strawberry rhubarb.

37.   Chocolate or rainbow sprinkles?

This depends on the situation and ice cream at hand.

38.   Ketchup or Mustard?

This depends on the situation and the ice cream at hand. I mean, food.

39.   Best food to have on a date?

Ice cream? So you can each have your own and then cough in each other’s faces when the dairy creates a whole bunch of mucous. 

40.   Most share-able food?

French fries. They are pretty easy to grab and split up.

 

Did I do okay? Do you agree or disagree with anything? LET ME KNOW!

xoxoxoxo

Peanuts and Tomatoes

Hey clam sauces,

I was thinking today about my new phrase, “peanuts and tomatoes, amiright?!” 

It’s a great way to impress your friends with this hit phrase that means “same difference.”  The origin? I feel the same way about peanuts as I do tomatoes. I’m also an idiot. 

BUT hear me on this. I don’t like peanuts or tomatoes unless they are an ingredient for a larger, more delicious snack. Peanuts don’t nearly have as much num-power as pistachios, cashews, or even fricken almonds have on their own. And hear this– tomatoes are little flavorless acidic bombs. You heard me, acid lovers. I’ll take your Ragu and Pace but I don’t want to see them in their naked forms.

Peanuts and tomatoes, my friend. One in the same. Like bonehead and numbskull. Chump and punk. Moron and dummy. 

Alright little love shacks, go out and spread my message but feel free to also not. I understand. I LOVE YOU. Xo

Killer Tofu

Tell us about your favorite childhood meal — the one that was always a treat, that meant “celebration,” or that comforted you and has deep roots in your memory.

DAY TEN. Writing 101 prompt. 

There were a few evolutions to my favorite childhood meal. It first started out as bread and butter where I would lick the pat of butter off and discard the bread. Then there was the Little Debbie Zebra cakes. Then there was the Little Debbie Honey Buns. But through it all my favorite meal is one that my mom still makes when I come home. Egg noodles, ground beef in brown gravy, with pea pods. She mixes in a little soy sauce that makes it extra savory. 

My mouth is watery, looks like I’ll have to drive the 2 hours home and see what happens. Hehe. 

A Terrible Motivational Speech

I did a parody of Ira Glass’ famous and lovely quote on storytelling and writing. It hardly makes sense. Enjoy.

“Nobody tells this to n00bs. I wish someone told me. All of us who eat food, we get into it because we have good taste. But there is this gap. For the first couple years you eat stuff, it’s just not that good. It’s trying to be good, it has potential, but it’s not. But your taste, the thing that got you to buy that $400 Kitchen Aid mixer with all the attachments, is still killer. And your taste is why your food disappoints you. A lot of people never get past this phase, they take Tums, have violent bouts of diarrhea and quit. Most people I know who eat and make interesting food went through years of this. We know our food doesn’t have this special thing that we want it to have (cinnamon). We all go through this. And if you are just starting out or you are still in this phase, you gotta know its normal and the most important thing you can do is just eat a lot of food. Put yourself on a deadline so that every week you will eat one sundae. It is only by going through a buttload of sundaes that you will close that gap, and your homemade froyo will be as good as Ben & Jerry’s ice cream. And I took longer to figure out how to do this than anyone I’ve ever met. It’s gonna take awhile. It’s normal to take awhile. You’ve just gotta loosen your belt and fight your way through it.” -Roth Plastic

Probably Not the Right Question

Hey kids!

DAY 27!

The question (that might not really be the right question but just go with it) is:

What’s your favorite recipe?

I don’t cook too much for myself because I end up eating all the ingredients before mashing them together.

BUT I am a master at the English muffin pizza.

***

Ingredients:

English muffins

Pasta sauce

Mozzarelle cheese

Love

***

The love is very important.

Now, you may think that this recipe needs no explanation, but let me tell you, the first step is critical.

Always slightly toast the English muffin first.

Trust me, if you don’t you’ll ruin everyone’s night including your own.

But yes, slightly toast, assemble sauce and cheese however you want, toast again to crisp perfection.

And there you have it! A meal sure to impress any suitor or potential lover.

I just made my own, so cheers.

Until next time, my meat sauce extravaganzas!

SHOWCASE! And Other Emotions.

Hey kittens!

I’m pretty sure it’s only been two days but it’s felt like an eternity since we last looked longingly into our computer screens at one another’s words and stuff.

Fitting, as George Michael’s “Kissing a Fool” is playing in the background. *kisses screen* Is this weird? Shh, I don’t care. Turn down that backlight while I slip into something more comfortable. *sets up gel wrist cushions to prevent tendonitis*.

Anyways, I’ve been really sick the past few days. There’s a Steve Martin quote from his book “Born Standing Up” that talks about how before preforming an important show the nerves you get as a performer can fight off weight gain and illness, yet 24 hours after you’ve finished the show, you succumb to complete exhaustion and flu-like symptoms.

I’m flu-like symptoms. Hold me. Brush my hair. Tell me I look fine with braces.

But look, I kept my promise! I attached a picture of my gems and footwear that I wore at my showcase.

Why yes, those are RingPop shoes with a a bejeweled RingPop necklace.

Apparently the gummy bear knuckle ring was sparkling so brightly that 3 people in the audience were blinded. There might be a class action suit against me but I don’t really know because I make things up.

Being in the green room was fun. Although I sounded like a clydesdale hoofing it up and down the stairs in the RingPop shoes. There was a lot of excited and nervous energy, but I started getting distracted and I could tell the order of my jokes was running away  down the street to the restaurant I knew I’d be eating at after. I had to stand in a corner and face the wall and shout my jokes at the water heater to make sure they didn’t order a salad over the French onion soup. I ended up getting both later, but that’s besides the point.

The theme of my set was babies. Terrible, terrible babies. I felt a little cliche being a ladygirl and talking about all those darn babies that ruin her life. I have better premises, but there are some that I want to spend more time on because they are like my children (not babies though, gross) and I want to nurture them with PopTarts and watch them grow.

But I did well! Minus blanking when I got up on stage! But that’s okay, because my dress had pockets that I nervously shoved my set list in, along with some granola bar crumbs and a straw wrapper.

I changed a lot of my jokes last minute because I wasn’t feeling 100% behind my material (Even though I had 2 months to prepare. I get a sick pleasure out of torturing myself by doing things last minute. And by last minute I mean changing jokes while I’m pacing in the hall waiting to go on.)

I also didn’t tighten the mic stand because I have marshmallow arms. It started to slowly get lower and lower, so I looked like a troglodyte hunching over the big noise boom stick.

But yay!

This was something I always wanted to do, and the only thing I’ve really cared about consistently. I can play about one and a half songs on every instrument known to creation. I’m decent at roller derby. I can brush my cat really well so she doesn’t get hair balls. But stand-up is my favorite thing and has been since elementary school. In my head I have a reputation of being the crazy girl who shows up to everybody’s comedy shows (famous or local) and has a big goofy smile and eyeballs popping out of her face. I’m not crazy just so excited it that it looks crazy. “My Heart Will Go On” just came on the radio. I think that’s a sign that shows my intentions are as pure as a sweaty palm print in a Renault Type CB Coupe de Ville.

Yoouuuu’re heerrre…therreee’s NOOOOTHIN’ I FEEAAR.

Oh shit, my favorite song (“Wanna Be Startin’ Somethin’) came on after that. This the best day ever. Dance children, DANCE.

Alright, maybe there is a tinge of whacka-doo, but those are great songs and you know it.

Have a great night, and until next time my little PopSharts!

Image

Proud Moments

Day 17! Blerg Cherhlerng.

What is my proudest moment?

Well, it certainly wasn’t last night.

I went to an open mic and bombed the fuck out of my set.

That’s okay though, I wanted to cry right after, but I woke up this morning not really affected by it.

I have no idea if I’m supposed to use “affected” or “effected” in that sentence. Help?

***

Anyways, my proudest moment!

I think it would be the time I gave David Sedaris a piece of my shit writing.

He probably gets that kind of thing all the time, but for me, I’ve always avoided doing things outside my comfort zone.

This has definitely been a year of breaking that whole pattern and it’s been great.

 

I think the other proudest moment hasn’t happened yet. That would be…

…my Showcase coming up on Monday!

 

I’ve been at the comedy school for over 2 months and all the work we’ve been doing is going to be presented at the Student Showcase!

I’m already proud that I started taking steps to doing more of what I love, which is stand up and comedy. Regardless of the negative feedback I may get (and with comedy-holy shit can the feedback be harsh) I’ve been powering through.

It might seem obvious to the rest of the world that following your dreams should be on the list of things to due while you’re alive, but it wasn’t on mine for a loooong time.

So yay for strides!

Well, it’s suppy time. Until next time my little gingerbread hens!

Me so Tired.

It’s true and I’m eating yogurt.

You know everything is going terribly when you’re eating yogurt on a Friday afternoon.

I think I should be doing my DAY 12 Blog Challenge post.

Something about what’s in my fridge.

Well, I’ll tell ya, it’s not yogurt.

I do have pretty cakepops in my fridge! If you don’t know what a cakepop is, they are essentially a mushy part of a cake, balled up and shoved onto a stick, dipped in chocolate, and refrigerated.

I have cookie dough and lemon.

I also have a headache.

They were supposed to be for my birthday party* (*me and my mom) but I’ve been eating them all day. I can’t help it. I’m a woman and I have needs. Needs for cakepops.

I also have 3 day old cupcakes in the fridge.  I also have insulin for my diabetic cat. I think I sense some irony and foreshadowing here.

In any case, I’m typing this with my forehead squarely planted on my desk, arms stretched out, typing like a sleepy Sphynx.

But I get to go see Bill Burr tonight! Which reminds me I haven’t written and all this week, but luckily my best stuff comes out of desperation. I mean, at least I think.

Okay kids, until next time!

A Very Winkel Wednesday

A Very Winkel Wednesday

It’s that time of the week again!

Winkel Wednesday!

Go check out all the silly things Mr. Winkel is doing in his down time.

http://mrwinkel.tumblr.com/

Coke Whore

I’m sorry, did you say something? I couldn’t hear you over the cracking of my sweet, delicious Coke.

The cracking of the can, the first sip of crisp liquid love.

I’ve fallen back into my old habits.

When I was in 6th grade I would have a minimum of 5 cans per day, along with 2 meatball Hot Pockets. I stopped drinking it and lost a bunch of weight, but now over 2 years out of college I find myself standing in front of the display at CVS wondering which package will come home with Mama.

I touched that one, but I saw that one first. Well I can’t just choose between my children. You both can come home! (Cue me walking out of the store with a 12 pack under each arm.)

I get into my car and there are cans in all the designated cup holders. The trash bag in the back seat is filled to the brim with cans that clink around as a drive, just like Santa’s sleigh bells.

I didn’t really see the problem with it. I love what I love and it’s the one thing, you know, besides friends and family and bler blah barf, that I can rely on.

I did question myself as I was sitting at my desk, watching some stand-up, when reached for my Coke. I started to take a sip when I came out of my Coke haze and remembered I hadn’t put my Coke on my desk. I looked over at my night stand and my darling cherub sat there in all it’s beautiful red glory, shining like the angel of mercy it is.

I looked down at the Coke in my hand and realized it was probably from when I was cleaning my room the weekend prior.

That would explain the green fuzz growing around the mouth piece. I thought maybe this can came with it’s own terrarium. Got to be environmentally conscientious these days.

I mean, even the name Coke, sounds like the noise it makes when you open the can. The freshness. The bubbles dancing around on my tongue. Sweet relief.

At any rate that’s where I am, squealing with delight over a box of Cokes that still have the polar bears on the can, even though the box didn’t indicate they were the winter edition.

Now that is a true treasure.

Until next time, my Chipsqueaks!