Online Portfolio and Enya Jokes

I finally put together an online portfolio!  Now all my articles from McSweeney’s, Reductress, xoJane (and more?) are in one place for you to look at or ignore, I don’t care.

This might be my first post since the new year so here’s a picture of me doing standup on New Years Day! This is part of the annual 100 First Jokes show that happens at ImprovBoston. It’s probably more likely 200 First Jokes as every year the amount of comedians that perform grows which is awesome and really exciting and also a reminder to carry hand sanitizer with you in the green room.

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thank you to my friend Joe for capturing my set-up of an enya masturbation joke

I’ve been working on a few new sets including my time at summer camp where I purposely pissed my pants so my mother would have to pick me up and also one about how I’ve been mysteriously ill for a year and got a balloon shoved up my ass in the name of medical science. Dreams do come true.

Speaking of dreams, I’m adding “become the most sought after creative consultant in North America”  to my bucket list. I think it fits nicely with “get my phone shaped like Star Trek’s Starship Enterprise to work” and “ride an orange bike.”

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Alright, that’s all I have to say for now. Here’s the link to –> my portfolio <– again! Click and look and be amazed that I could copy and paste links in an orderly fashion because honestly I was skeptical of my abilities too.

love you BYE xo143

Hey, I’m Dumb and Here’s Why: A Moment on Suicide and My Stupidity*

*Please note this post discusses suicide and may be triggering for some. The National Suicide Hotline for those in need: 1-800-273-8255.

HEY FRIENDS!

Today I watched the Virgin Suicides for the first time. Not the most uplifting of movies, but who would’ve guessed with that title?sdfsdfsdfsdfsdf

I know I’m about 15 years too late and I’m not sure if spoilers have a “statute of limitations” but to spare anyone who hasn’t seen it, I’ll make a vague statement by saying–they talk about suicides! One of them being “sticking your head in the oven.”

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Now, for someone who was very sheltered in their life and was lucky enough to grow up without having to learn from such an experience, I did not know what the logistics were behind the “sticking your head in the oven” method. I’d heard it and almost found it humorous because I pictured someone’s nana having a fit over bad manners at the dinner table and using it as a threat to get everyone to shut up, behave and eat nicely.

Me and my roommate started getting upset over the thought of this horrific way to end a life. “So do you just wait for it to heat up and you burn yourself?” and “Or do you just hit yourself with the door?” were some of the genius questions posed by these two. “How scary must it be to wait for it to preheat??”

We finally googled it out of sheer morbid curiosity.

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That’s when we found out just how dumb we really are!  Apparently, it was very easy to manipulate old GAS ovens and breathe in the toxic fumes. YEAH. No one was trying to have a Gremlins moment. Thankfully, this misuse of an appliance is not as easy to partake in now.

Oh yeah and then I peed my pants laughing about how serious we took ourselves in our plight to save non-existent people from not cooking their head meat A urine-soaked cycle of chumps and chump-related thoughts.

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In any case, I want to stress that I don’t find suicide itself funny because it’s not. What I find funny is how I am terribly naive and have a lot to learn about mostly everything in the world.  For example, I am still not 100% sure on how to use a can opener. Suicide just happened to be the subject of the day.

Have you ever done or thought anything so tremendously stupid, it was almost borderline adorable how much of a knucklehead you were? How did you find out that you were wrong and possibly irreversibly dumb? I NEED TO KNOW!

Stay safe! Breathe clean air! You are loved even if you don’t know how to use a can opener either. 143 123 xox pfffft.

Why The Pizza Diet Really Works

Hey kids!

Like pizza? Yes? Then I have some great news for you.

There is one diet that you can be sure will have a profound effect on your body : THE PIZZA DIET.

200Breakfast, lunch and dinner. Pizza is there to nourish your body. I have compiled a list of the top 5 benefits of the pizza diet, JUST FOR YOU.

1) GREASE! Grease is GREAT for cleaning your body out. Eat a piece of greasy pizza before you eat a hamburger and that baby will slide clean through. Your colon will be VERY happy.

2) CHEESE, YAY! The wonders of dairy. It makes your bones super strong. SO strong that you can lift the pizza truck up and toss it into the river when all the pizza is gone.

3) MMM Sauce OR NO SAUCE. Pizzas these days don’t even NEED sauce to be pizzas. You can just dump your dairy dream cheese on some bread and pop it in the oven for I don’t know how the fuck long and then BOOM, PIZZA PARTY!

4) Oh yeah, PIZZA PARTY! I’ve never lost more weight and gained more muscle than when at a pizza party. Your calf muscles will be jacked from jumping up and down with joy. You’ll also be waving your hands high in the air, trying to flag down the pizza guy or gal. Those trapz are going to be so tight you won’t even be able to lift your arms up ever again.

5) Can’t Lift Your Arms Ever Again. If you properly pizza partied, then you won’t be able to move your arms EVER AGAIN! Although that means no more pizza (sad) that also means you can’t lift anything else to your face and you’ll die from malnutrition. The upside? You’ll look great and the last thing you’ll have eaten was pizza! There is clearly no downside!

aaaaaaWELL, there you have it. I gotta go, my doorbell is ringing, I wonder who it could be.

Do you have a super great diet like the one above? How do you nurture a healthy lifestyle like the aforementioned? Tell me in the comments!

BYE I LOVE YOU KISS YOU PIZZA GOODNIGHT FOR ME.

Do Not Microwave Your Dirty Sponge or You Will be a Sad Person

Are you a sad person? Is it because you microwaved your sponge?

I know most of you cried out with  resounding “YES!” to both those questions, so I’ll just cut to the chase.

If for by some reason you answered “no” to the second question, which I know is highly unlikely, then I’m going to dispense some Baz Luhrmann advice on you. Also, Luhrmann autocorrected when I spelt it wrong and that frightens and delights me. Anyways, DO NOT MICROWAVE YOUR SPONGE. But yes, wear sunscreen.

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If this seal can do it, then you can do it too!

After seeing a post about cleaning your kitchen, I read some of the tips listed–one of which was “microwave your sponge to kill bacteria!” Good idea in theory BUT what is not mentioned is the fact that although the germs may be dead, they also die a fucking wretched, butt-smelling death. You know when your sponge has worn down and it has gross dirty dishwater smell? Yeah, it’s like that but only HOT and like someone wiped the sponge up their asshole.

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Here we are in the Pit of Eternal Stench.

Don’t do it, unless your into a buttonhole smelling sponge thing. I’m sure there’s a section of the internet that caters to that. So, I bet you are looking for a solution now that I’ve busted that myth? Well, I don’t have one because I’ve lost all sense of smell after that experiment and won’t be able to conduct any further tests. Please send clean sponges in lieu of flowers.

Have you ever tried a dumb hack and found out that it was really dumb? Tell me in the comments so I can avoid doing those dumb things! I should show you my cream cheese Oreo truffles I tried to make. They were as gross as that sounds.

Okay! I love you! Go buy some nice fresh sponges and don’t stick them up your butt unless they are the feminine sponges but then again those don’t go up your butt either OKAY BYE DON’T BE A SAD PERSON!

Songs That Make Me Feel Feelings and Think About Life and Stuff

Hey kids,

Remember when I used to post songs I was listening to compulsively or the week?

Yeah, me neither. It’s been so long and I’m probably still listening to the same songs.

BUT let’s dive right in because I want to listen to all these songs again as soon as possible. Links are in the titles.

Let’s go!

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           Fantasia will show us the way!

First Up!

What: “Teenage Talk”- St. Vincent– First heard at the end of a Girls episode (like most songs I become obsessed with, obviously).  Why: I can sing in Annie Clark’s range! Hooray! But also because the song is the perfectly bittersweet. Listen to it if you want to be nostalgic about your teen years and the friends you had then. What Else: “How do you see me now, now that I’m a little bit older?” If you’re picturing me sobbing in my car, staring at the increasingly visible laugh lines around my eyes in the rearview mirror, then you are right!

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Secondly!

What: World Spins Madly On – The Weepies. Heard them in college and nearly shit my pants when I found out they were from Cambridge, MA. Deb Talan and Steve Tannen’s love story is one worth looking up if you have ever lost faith in romance. Why: Aside from the adorable monster music video, I think their harmonies are the greatest in the world next to Simon and Garfunkel’s. Is that a stretch? I don’t care. What Else: “I woke up and wished that I was dead.” Amiright?

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Third,Third,Third. Third’s the Word.

What: M83- Wait. This may sound familiar to many, as it was the song that made you want to die during the movie version of The Fault in Our Stars. Why: If you have ears and a heart, this should be a giveaway. Do you have a face and eyes that you can stare longingly out the window with when you listen to this song? Good. Be as melodramatic as possible. What Else: Are you staring wistfully out a train window yet?

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Borth, Fourth, Borth! (Sounds Sort of Like the Swedish Chef?)

What: Style- Taylor Swift. Yeah, I know but I did NOT appreciate this song when it first came out. Also, I don’t listen to the radio a lot so it has not been ruined for me. Hehe. Why: The intro guitar is catchy as frick, What Else: This song makes me incredibly sad, but the kind of sad I might be addictive to inflicting upon myself. “I said I’ve been there too a few times.” GET HIM, TAYLOR.

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// HIGH FIVE!

What: The Drugs Don’t Work- The Verve. One night I was looking up “saddest songs” and this came up. Want to be depressed and contemplate your own mortality? Then this is the song for you, my friend! Why: I like contemplating my own mortality. What Else: Dark and sadness. That’s pretty much all I have for this song.

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            Recent picture of me crying.

WILD CARD!

Now that we have enjoyed all the sad feelings, let’s draw the WILD CARD which is a song that makes me feel like I’m going to jump out of my skin because it riles me the fuck up.

What: It’s the End of the World As We Know It -R.E.M. Sounds like it wouldn’t be a joyous song but it’s so darn upbeat I can’t help but tear my shirt off and run around the room when it comes on. Why: Michael Stipe talking fast. Yay! What Else: “You symbiotic, patriotic, slam but neck, right? Right.”

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WELL.

That’s it. Those are my feelings. And to think it only took be about two hours to articulate them with the help of some very lovely gifs. Do you have any songs you compulsively listen to for no reason? I need to know, please tell me.

OKAY GO BRUSH YOUR TEETH BYE I LOVE YOU!

And Then She Went to the Hospital!

I bet you’ve been checking your inboxes frantically wondering where I’ve been and why I haven’t been bitching about my Oprah Magazine not arriving yet (but it did, so yay!)

My eyeballs have had a weird, rashy, burnt, allergic-ky thing going on for the last 3 months, only to be made worse when I smeared Gold Bond Ointment all over them and burned the rest of my burnt skin off. It all came to an unsightly head when last Saturday my face swelled shut and I had to go to the ER. THANKFULLY, they prescribed me STEROIDS! Here is a reenactment of what happened:

                

That cart was full of all the steroids for me! Yum, yum, yum, crunch, crunch, crunch!

Anyways, today was the last day of the steroids, so we’ll see if me throwing away all my down comforters and furry blankets really solved the problem or if I’m just one of those people who one day woke up and decided they would be allergic to their own hair.

Pray for me, my children.

During the  experience, I found out that Zantac helps against allergic reactions! This is great because my diet is pure acid so I’m really killing two birds with 10lbs of western medicine. I think that’s how the phrase goes.

Well, I’ve taken enough Benadryl to skleeeerzzzppbuarewoberp. TIME FOR BED!

More less-medicated updates to come!

Love you, xoxox, take out the trash already you animal.

My Eyeballs are Flaking Off

Hello Children of the Corn!

I’m an idiot. This may not come as a surprise to some of you (most of you [all of you]) but I’ve nearly burnt my eyes off my face. Some would say it’s a rash but I’d describe it more as a “severe, grotesque, chemical burn from Satan himself.”

It’s not really my eyeballs but my eyelids have grown reptilian. A cross between the X-Files “Office Monster” and a hot shedding snake. Every time I blink it feels like my eyelids are little window shades made of sunburns.

Being the medical GENIUS that I am, I decided to prescribe myself generous doses of GoldBond Anti-Itch Cream to be applied directly to my broken and dry eyelids. To really ease the pain of burning and irritated skin, add menthol and hydrocortisone directly to the infected area and put your head between your legs. You’ll be fine and great*.

(*No.)

A lovely lady at Nordstrom slapped some $300 La Mer cream on my face in order to heal my self-inflicted 3rd degree burns. Apparently it was made by a mad scientist who had a kelp fetish and liked to heat it up in his microwave and rub it on his burns. Now Jennifer Anniston rubs it on her face so she can no longer age because the cream has a time-halting curse on it. I’m really into facts about important things.

I ended up accepting a doctor’s appointment at 8:15AM which I always seem to do because I am afraid to tell the receptionist that I need 14 hours of sleep and can’t possibly be up any time before brunch. I always make time for brunch. I did not make take for brunch at 8:15AM when the doctor was telling me to avoid any heavy creams with menthol and hydrocortisone in them. Whoops. Now I’m smearing lactic acid on my eyes and in a shocking turn of events it’s supposed to burn the dry burnt skin away.

Well, it’s time to go put some acidic moo-juice on my eyes and rest peacefully in my slumber. Pray for me.