Me and My Guitar and Our Staircase of Brussel Sprouts

Hey kids!

This week in great and exciting news, I bought a guitar!

It’s nothing special but I have been polishing and kissing it every day. I’m surprised it didn’t arrive smashed into toothpicks. Although I shouldn’t say “arrived” considering UPS declared my address was not a real address in the world and I had to track it down and wait 2 hours in their UPS pick-up dungeon before finally getting it at 9PM. But I digress.

She’s a tart little telecaster and she loves me as much as I love her. She brushes my hair, she makes me oatmeal, and she tells me bedtime stories to soothe me to sleep. She was a little mad at me at first because I forgot to buy her a case because I’m a big dummy. “Well, as a beginner, you wouldn’t really know to buy one!” you say. But this is my third guitar so stop making excuses for me already.

Now to plug some apps that do not sponsor me but if they wanted to that would be hella cool but probably not because they’d be like “no one says hella anymore.” If you search for apps or videos, make sure you write “guitar lessons” and not “guitar lesions” because weird things come up that I have to live with now. If you need a strict learning plan like I do, because if I don’t practice every day I’ll forget I even have a guitar and go move to Canada without it, then I recommend getting a real, live, non-bot human teacher at least a couple of times a week to give you guitar lesions.  I mean lessons. I took lessons and I was HORRENDOUS at doing the homework because I would just play Em and be like “yep, I can strum it a bunch, now what?” and sit there and not challenge myself to learn anything else and then forget I have a guitar and move to Canada. BUT if you need something where you have to trick yourself into learning, then I suggest downloading Yousician on your phone or iPad. I would download it on my iPad but I have the original iPad so if I do anything beyond turning it on, it will explode. Anyways, there’s the free version which you only get so much time on every day and then there’s the version where you say “yes, I have a credit card, please charge it” and they do and then you get unlimited access. It’s a cool resource if you need pick yourself up by the guitar straps (see what I did there) and start playing within a day or so.

The past few days I’ve had some pretty terrible practice sessions on my guitar. Some days my brain and fingers connect and everything is happy but then some days my brain is screaming “PLAY a Dm! Play a Dm! GOD DAMMIT, PLAY IT!” but my fingers are like “You mean Am? How about just regular D? Are you sure you don’t want regular D?” and it’s a mess. I did see a video a while back from some guy trying to sell law of attraction stuff and he started talking about practicing and how we think it’s like an upward, ascending arrow on a graph. Just smooth sailing right on up! However, he pointed out that’s not really the case. Success and learning is more like a staircase. We’re going up, going up going up, and we’re peaking over the corner and BOOM plateau. We hang around the plateau for a while until we start climbing again and get a little spurt of inspiration then BOOM plateau again. It made a lot of sense but I still didn’t buy his product, sorry guy. At least I have more of a profound respect for stairs. The point being, that you may play for a while and not feel like you’re getting anywhere then KABOOM something will click and you’ll go onto your next phase of learning. Or some crap like that.

OKAY! Well enough of me clutching my guitar to my breast via blog post for one night.

Do you have any tales of dusty musical instruments you have stuffed in your closet? What did you play? Why? Do you still play? If no, why not? TELL ME IN THE COMMENTS!

I’m off to bed, have a great night, don’t forget to halve your brussel sprouts before blanching them! I LOVE YOU143 xox.

ICE CREEEAAAAAAM & Death!

Hey Kids!

ICE CREAM! YAAAAY! Last week I bought ice cream at the store and forgot it was in the freezer. In a fit of hunger I nearly ripped the door off and saw my little vanilla beauty staring back at me. I’m très happy.

I’m also très happy because I finished Season 2 of Six Feet Under and onto Season 3. I get sad when I start a new season because the coloring and cinematography is different. it’s usually on the 3rd season too, I’m assuming because at that point DEY GOT MORE MUNNEEEEY. Also the amount of A list celebs that show up in the cast is unnerving. heheheh.

In other news, I forgot I had an iPad. I remember why I forgot I had it because it’s a first generation and cannot handle updates past iOs 5.1.1.  This means virtually (hehe) all your games and other apps cannot update and most apps cannot function without said updates. Therefore, the slab of metal and microchips is USELESS. It’s sad. Here’s a sad face. 😦

Okay, while I was writing this I ate all my ice cream. Do I get more? Check one: Yes or Yes.

GOODNIGHT I LOVE YOU EAT YOUR VITAMINS!

There’s No Food in the House

Very sparingly do I go food shopping. When I do it’s just a flash of me running around Market Basket at 8:57pm on a Wednesday and shoving frozen, microwaveable green beans into my Cynthia Rowley (Marshall’s, amiright?) roll-y bag. The green beans are my vegetable source and Pepe’s 99-cent cheese ravioli is my super source of protein. For fruits I smell my Red Apple Wreath Yankee Candle. I’m sure there are plenty more food groups but I choose not to acknowledge them in fear that I’m either significantly malnourished and horrifically overindulgent depending on which group we examine.

My current status is hot chocolate which only comes after the five pieces of toast and three cups of vegetable soup I slaved over (it was prepackaged but I added the tomato sauce [we didn’t have stewed or diced] and stirred it lovingly).

I also took a shower for the first time in three days. Nothing perks a woman up like the sound of her Irish Spring body wash spurting onto her questionably old loofah. I’m sure there’s a replacement date suggested on the tag but it’s still the same color as when I bought it (I imagine). The shower was a couple hours ago and I still haven’t lotioned any crevice of my body. I’m typing and skin flakes are flurrying around my keyboard as my dry knuckles hammer up and down. If I lived in one of those allergy protection bubbles, I’d make a real killing on my side act as human snow globe. Très dramatic as I’m listening to the king of depression, Bobby Vinton. Real Lifetime movie material. WOO.

Anyways, time to go straighten my hair. I can smell my 450 degree flat iron burning into my dresser. The scent of old burning hair really helps me sleep at night.

OKAY GOODNIGHT 143

BlackMail

My mother has a video on her phone that she sent me. I do not get embarrassed easily. This past week one of my coworkers didn’t knock on the bathroom door and I fell off the toilet and onto my  hands and knees with my pants around my ankles trying to prevent her from coming in. Doesn’t shake me. 

But this video is from my cousin’s crazy awesome wedding. It was taken after I spent 45 minutes trying not to throw-up the 5 sparkling wines I threw back. My face was broken out in hives from wearing a dress made of what I can only assume now was cheesecloth and tulle. On top of the hives was a sheen (I think gel is more appropriate) of sweat, glistening with every light beam bouncing off it.  

I am screaming. I am jumping. I am ferociously vogueing (Paris is Burning, not Madonna) but with no purpose to my actions. My eyes are looking in two different directions. I’m slurring the words to “Love Shack” yet still maintaining a constant guttural sound like one I imagine Jane came to know in her days spent with Tarzan. 

Watching the video, I laughed so hard I peed my pajama capris. Tears pooled out of the corners of my eyes but I think that was more out of disappointment that I thought I was doing a GREAT job. Everyone was cheering and clapping. Yeah, Lo. No wonder everyone was clapping…there was a little monkey girl dancing for peanuts and one dollar bills! I like one dollar bills though. Keep thrown’ those. 

Somewhere inside, I think I secretly hope more videos and pictures come out to validate my existence of a truly absurd expression of human life. 

In other news, it’s Otis Redding’s birthday today. Watch this and be dreamy. 

Ok I love you ❤