Sea Enema: Where Nemo Lives Maybe?

Tomorrow I have a Halloween costume dance  to go to with my mother.

I’ve only known about the dance for a few days but I’ve heard that the other attendees have been working on their costumes for months.

The theme is “Arrrt and Souls” or “under water” for the lay person. It’s at the community art center (GET IT?! ARRRT? Although pirates typically don’t live under water but who’s put limits on their existence.)

I really hope it just turns out to be an Enchantment Under the Sea dance and I save my family from disappearing.

In my race to get a relevant costume, I made the quick and misguided decision of being a sea anemone. It wasn’t until about 4 seconds ago that I realized I haven’t even been pronouncing it correctly. When I was talking to a coworker today, I mentioned I was going to the aquatic theme dance as a sea enema.I knew that I was saying enema instead of anemone but this little scrambled eggs brain has a hard time getting my mouth to say the things it wants to correctly.

AS for my costume, my choice was made because I didn’t want to spend a lot of money and I had access to A LOT of pink and orange ribbon. I also have a Finding Nemo stuffed animal so he’s going to come to the dance as my date. I also needed fast and effective relief so I could be regular again.

My costume is packed for after work. I hope the ribbons don’t rip to shreds while it”s in there or spontaneously combust.

Wish me lick and I hope I win the coveted “Most Likely to Not Be Able to Pronounce Costume Name.”

Hooray! Okay goodnight love you bye don’t forget to check your Halloween candy before donating all the KitKats to me BYE!

I’m in Bed Already, God Bless America

It’s not even 10PM yet and I’m perfecting my nest. I’ve gathered my pillows and bits of hair and twigs that I can wrap myself in to keep warm. I was getting punchy there for a while so instead of using the $30 firming night cream I bought, I dumped a bunch of lavender massage oil in my hands and greased my face up. I’m feeling relaxed.

The downside to being in bed is now that I’m thirsty, trekking the 20ft to get the Brita filter seems unbearable. I could take the 10ft walk to the bathroom and use the tap water there but it’s been leaving red marks in the sink. At least I think that’s from the water but I have been flossing lately.

Anyways, I’m still hyped up on candy since Halloween. Everyday I treat myself to some leftover candy because I NEVER* treat myself! (*And the lie detector determined that was a lie).

Did I tell you I am in love with the guy who works at the gas station down the street from my house? I bet he likes candy too. I’m not sure if he has a girlfriend, wife, boyfriend, or husband but I imagine we would lay together in my nest and feed each other KitKats and Whoopers. The burger not the candy. I’ll let you know if I make any headway in Operation: Let’s Be Gross.

Today was weird. Was today weird for you? Tell me how it was weird for you. I want to know. You’re special to me.

K I love you, yellow looks nice on you.

Crunchy the Car

There were a few days there that I didn’t post, eh?

If you MUST know (yeesh, get off my back already), I was in a car accident the other day.

Nothing major but it was one of those moments much like finishing school forever,  or getting dumped, or death of a someone you know. Just an Ooh. So this is what this is like. Hmm. Proverbial check mark made.

Now that I’ve self medicated with leftover* Halloween candy (*candy I bought for myself while I sat at home with the lights off) I’m ready to talk about it without feeling like the girl who cashes in on all her terrible experiences. Although if I could get cash to talk about my terrible experiences I would promptly send you my bank number.

Because I am a sick person, I cackled during most of it while the other driver sobbed. Maybe because it was her fault and I haven’t had the ability to cry since 2008 but hey I can’t pinpoint with all these variables.

The abridged version is I was dressed in a tight as fuck, spandex, Deadpool costume heading to an 80s dance party (held on a boat). My friend was desperately trying to change into her Jessica Rabbit costume in the back seat (all parties except for the boat were wearing their seat belts, don’t fret).

A few cars ahead of me, a car had its tire hanging off, hazards on, nothing happening. The girl in front of me sat for 5 minutes until the honking started. Did I mention we were at a 4-way intersection during rush-hour in Boston? That was a thing too. Anyways, the girl backed up into the intersection so she would have enough room to go around Mr. Brokeydown. She had enough room. Then not so much. Then none. Then OH GOD NONE NO ROOM NONE. I beeped just to let her know that she hit me (not a big deal, it was tap). Unfortunately, the beeping scared her and she stepped on the gas and careened backwards. Crunch, crunch, crunch. She straightened her self out, put it in drive and we were able to find a space where we could both pull over.

She came bombing out of her car (in her jammies) with tears streaming down her face. She was so concerned about my well being I started cracking up and ended up consoling her. I remember that teenage fear of what…have I done…WHERE IS MY MOM, PLEASE HELP.

I hope her parents let her take the day off of school the next day.

It’s all I could think about the next day. Close calls always jolt you back into the reality that anything could happen at any time. That’s also the beauty of it. Anything could happen at anytime. Let’s just hope it’s good, like being able to stand on the side of the road in your Deadpool costume telling a stranger you are 25 and have no idea who your car insurance provider is even though you pay the $130 bill every month.

C’est la via, ammiright?

We ended up skipping the boat party. Our adrenaline was through the roof that I might have just driven straight into the harbor and wouldn’t have noticed the difference.

***

I hope everyone had a cavity inducing Halloween. What did you dress up as? Did your costume give you a rash? I want details.

k love you.

L.L. Bean has nice boots.

SLEEPING AGAIN

This is it. Here and now. I am going to bed a full hour (okay maybe not full, more like 45 minutes?) earlier than when I usually go to bed.

The past week (is it passed or past? I realized I have no idea and I can’t search the internet right now BECAUSE I’M LOSING PRECIOUS SLEEP TIME) I’ve been peeling myself off my sheets and trying to breathe through my inflamed little nostrils. I will not rest until I am through the winter, cold and illness free. If you don’t think I will pump my body with 5000% of the daily value of vitamin C than you, sir or madam, have underestimated the lengths I will go to. I’m setting up my Zicam endorsement deal right now!

Tomorrow is the BOOZE CRUISE in which I will set sail on the Boston Harbor with a bunch of 80s clad dancers and we will sing and dance and hopefully not swim the night away.

Okay, I love you and don’t forget to floss.

Skulleerrrbop

Hi childrens.

It’s FALL! I can go outside! My skin won’t flake off from being burnt by the sun! It’ll flake off from being too dry from the cold weather but sometimes you have to pick your battles hahahahaha *weeps*

I’ve been listening to the Spice Girls “2 Become 1” at least 3 times a day. It’s been very sensual in Chez Lo, i.e. burning the 48 maple apple cider cinnamon Yankee Candles I bought in bulk at Marshall’s and feeding myself the baker’s chocolate leftover in the cabinet.

It’s taken me about 3 hours to write this nothing post because I’ve been battling with my iTunes account over whether my computer is authorized to play Danke Schoen. IT’S FRICKEN CRIMINAL I TELL YA.

I’m almost offended that I haven’t developed bed sores.

My ability to retain direction and focus to bring the hard hitting details of my uncultured existence to the masses is starting to waiver.

I also ate How to Train Your Dragon 2 shaped Macaroni&Cheese for dinner today. I ran out of milk so I just used extra butter. I’m really trying to follow a strict health regimen 🙂 tehe.

I bought my Halloween costume but I can’t tell you what it is because I really want to savor the suspense of a $60 bodysuit made of the same material book covers are made of (not a brown paper Stop&Shop bag, more like Spandex/Rayon/Polyster).

Okay I have to go lay in my bed and stare at my phone for 6 hours love you bye.