Posted in humor, Read Me

Hernia Sue

Hello! I’ve been bedridden for a week, let’s check out my sores together!

Last Friday as the day was wrapping up at work I started to feel a little… ill. I figured it might be my body winding down from a busy week and with the weekend in sight I might’ve been letting go of holding myself so tightly all week. There was a comedy show I reeeeeaaaaaalllllllly wanted to go to, so I got home and laid in bed in hopes it would go away. When it came time to get dressed I was sweating and swallowing hard. Haha! Must just be the weather making me crazy!, I thought as I was hunched over snapping the crotch of my bodysuit and mouth breathing.

The whole ride over I sipped seltzer water and blasted the A/C on my face. You’re okay old girl! It’s just nerves about going to a super fun event!,  I tried to asure myself as I burped and gurgled and barely held the seltzer down.

It didn’t help that it was 90 degrees and humid as fuck, like the kind in a steam room that makes you hack your lungs out onto your towel-laden sisters. Why bother even going, Lauren? Why not just stay home? Becccccaaaauuuuuuuse, I said I reaaaaallllyy wanted to go. Going out to shows gives me a sickening personal high, between the performers, the people in the crowd who I fucking love and admire (and I get to call some of them frenz!), I get VERY jazzed about it. So cue me 5mins into standing and watching the show being like “I’m gonna ralf” and booking it out of there in a whirlwind. Torture is waiting for the goddamn WALK sign to turn on before I start running into the middle of the street. I felt like a giant asshole too. I have a complex where I assume everyone is watching and scrutinizing my every move. I wanted to run back in and scream I’M NOT LEAVING BECAUSE I HAVE BETTER THINGS TO DO, I’M LEAVING BECAUSE OH-OH GOOYAARFFLARBAGARFLURF*” (*me throwing up).

I went home and slept until Sunday morning. THAZ ALOTTA SLEEP. I kept getting a weird cramp  that felt like my liver was shriveling and squeezing itself out through my rib cage. I was tempted to call my brother to bring me to the ER as I was sweating bullets and had the spins, but I was so goddamn tired that I just cried and fell back to sleep like an idiot annnnnd also my health insurance really only covers the flowers they will send my family at my funeral so what can I do, y’know?

I ended up going to the conveniently located Arlington Urgent Care (it replaced a Bagelville, R.I.P., they had a great vegetable spread) and they were very lovely and were like “uhhh here is some Prilosec OTC and nausea medication, go the fuck to sleep there’s a stomach bug going around.” I worked from home Monday and went in on Tuesday, left early Tuesday because I thought I was gonna die, and went into work Wednesday, sat in the dark because the lights are generally upsetting, and cried at my desk like dumb tart. I should mention I rarely cry unless it’s to a song or a movie. This post is making me out to be a blubberpus but I’m noooooot, goddammit I’m NOT. By God’s sweet divine gracias, my chiropractor said he’d see me, so I drove 60+miles for him to be like “Jesus Christ you have a giant hiatal hernia in your chest” and promptly stuffed his fingers under my ribcage and ripped it out. I suggest finding a chiropractor who knows how to do this stuff because other than that it’s SURGERY which still doesn’t really relieve the pain, or so I am told by Dr. Internet (not a real person, or maybe it is, I don’t know). Also I am not a doctor and don’t want to be because ewww icky so if you need a surgery go get it, baby.

Soooo, I didn’t drive back to my house after the appointment and ended up sleeping at my mom’s house (conveniently located near the chiropractor). I worked from her house Thursday, drove up to work Friday morning with a lunch cooler that looked like my liver was in there (as seen below).

my hernia
Delicious.

I like driving up to work in the morning because I have to leave in the wee hours. It’s quiet, dark, and the dew on the grass and in the air smells ever so lovely. Thankfully, I survived the day and went back home to mom’s house after. Just me and the open road again trying not to dry heave and listening to Liz Gilbert’s books on tape (or “audiobooks” as the kids call them.) An enema or two later, I’m back to being at least upright for the week, hooray!

Hope you all enjoyed your Labor Day weekend where people keep saying it’s the last day of summer but it’s not, did you see this week’s forecast it’s like fuckin’ 90 and raining fireballs. I don’t like talking about the weather because it’s the same (but worse, because science) every year, SO WHY DO WE COMPLAIN, WE KNOW IT’S COMING, YOU DON’T HAVE TO TALK TO YOUR COWORKERS ABOUT IT, WE KNOW.

Okay, time to pack it up since I’m still at my mom’s house pretending I have no obligations in this earthly realm, BYYYYYE.

smooch 143 xox

 

 

 

Posted in Read Me

I’m On The Science Diet 

Did I capitalize the title correctly? I’ve given up following the rules. 

Sunday Night Notes:

After the past few weeks of feeling like I was going to throw up, pass out, or die at any given moment, my diabetic cat and I are now on matching diets for hypoglycemia. In social situations I tend to hang back due to delayed responses brought on by profound dyslexia in speech and comprehension.  However, since the end of June if I’ve been extra distant or at least as far as the nearest trash can, it’s because I didn’t want to throw up into your mouth and pass out and risk kRaPping my pants in my weakened state. And yes, that’s the scientific name, you idiot. 

My new lifestyle of fruit and maybe some wet food has begun. Also, right when I finished that sentence The Carpenters’ “We’ve Only Just Begun” started playing on the 70s music station thanks to mega conglomerate Comcast (plz don’t cut my cable, this station rulez.) 

On that note, if you need any further proof that the universe swaddles and kisses its babies then you should prbbbbbly get off my page, you charlatan. 

Love you. Xo 

In Gargoyles We Trust.

Posted in Read Me

Hi, It’s Me, Your Nana-Mom

Hi PingPongs,

Here is some unsolicited advice I cultivated just for you from my own experience.

If you are a AAA member, you can go to one of their (participating) locations and renew your driver’s license. Why is this of any interest? It is because it took me ten minutes to renew mine and I did it on a Saturday. I used all of my vacation and sick time on my cross-country trip to Colorado so I was worried I was going to take a hit on my paycheck that I’m already stretching to cover my need of signing up for online tarot and realm reading classes.

I also registered as an organ donor while there! I got a tattoo last year so I couldn’t donate blood for a while, so why not jump right back into the saddle  of the body organ and fluids market then to check a little box that could save someone else should the time come. Also, I urge my fellow O Positives to donate blood because it can help everyone and you get snacks and I’ll even hold your hand and brush your hair because I’m your new nana-mom.

Well there is my car driving and blood giving agenda. I’m going to go see if Honey Dew Donuts has any Everything bagels left and then finish reading my $14 magazine about secret societies.

OKAY BYE smooch x

 

Posted in Read Me

Songs I Listen to Compulsively (6/3)

Hi BingBongs,

Links in the titles, here’s the music I’ve been bothering my coworkers with this week.

Until the Last Moment – Yanni – It’s probably no fricken secret that I like “new age” music but did you know my family has an unbreakable obsession with Yanni? It’s true, I assure you! When Yanni: Live at the Acropolis aired almost 20 years ago, my family watched every airing at full volume, bought the CD set, and taped over the VHS of my Christening to record it. Most people might be real cheesed off but clearly they have not listened to this aural perfection. The link even has young hunky Yanni smiling like an angel as he plays God’s music. All hail Yanni.

Shadow Dancing – Andy Gibb – I don’t know what’s wrong with me but I can’t stop.

Something In The Air – Thunderclap Newman – RIP Andy “Thunderclap” Newman. This song rules and if you don’t think so then you can just go kiss a hedgehog and tell me how it is because they’re pretty cute.

 

And now for Songs That Are Compulsively Listening to Me, the winner is Frankie Valli’s “Can’t Take My Eyes Off You”  for making some sort of  appearance EVERY DAY in my life for the past two weeks. I don’t know what’s happening but I think it wants me to be its new mom. It’s also one of those songs that make me simultaneously delighted and depressed so I don’t know what the universe is trying to tell me, except maybe I should take up a Jersey accent and make it my edge.

Alright children, it’s time to for me to get an underwhelming amount of sleep. Just know that  I debated putting a Dave Matthews song on here but solely for the bass line and I want you to know this because we have no secrets. Please love me.

Okay bye143smooch

Posted in Read Me

Rejected Pitches!

Just like the Rejected Lists series seen here over the years, here are some headline/article pitches I sent out last week to satire news sites that were promptly rejected. Enjoy!

 

Woman Earns PhD After Finishing All 5 Seasons of Oprah’s MasterClass

 

Woman Gives Blowjob the Old-Fashioned Way

 

Boycott Beyoncé: Lemonade Stand Businesses Across America Demolished, Millions of Toddlers Unemployed

(News article interviewing the kids affected by the devastating loss of their businesses. How will they afford book order day at school? Can America ever trust Beyoncé again?

 

Do You Have Delicate Features or Are You Just a Gelfling?

(Style)

I Used a 100% Organic Skincare Line for a Month and Here’s What Happened After I Turned into an Elm Tree

(Style)

Doctor’s Surgically Remove Block of Ice Inside Woman’s Heart, Ex-Boyfriend Brad Goes into Hiding

 

 

World Record: Woman Inducted into Guinness Book of World Records after Sneezing, Coughing, and Queefing Simultaneously Without Combusting Shortly Thereafter

.

I Got Verified on Twitter, Now Bow to Your Goddess

 

 

How to Convince Your Boyfriend It’s Not a Cold Sore, It’s Beauty Mark

IT’S NOT A COLD SORE, WHAT DON’T YOU UNDERSTAND?

 

Help! I Lost My Phone at Coachella and a Stranger Found it and Posted 497 Dick Pics to My Instagram and Now We’re in Love

 

***

Truly shocking how none of these were picked up, right? Pave your own way, kids.

k smooch bye 143 xo olly olly oxen free

Posted in Read Me, Uncatergorized

If You Have Reason to Hate Me, It’s Probably This

Today in the True Heartbreak Times, I destroyed a beautiful relationship in less than a minute of establishing it.

I went out to my car for my lunch break and noticed a little green inchworm hanging out on my car window. Being the lonely troll that I am,  I said “Hi!” to him then got in. I turned on my car so I wouldn’t die of heatstroke and, without thinking, I rolled my window down. It wasn’t until the window was almost fully down that I remembered little buddy from 45 seconds prior and tried to roll the window back up to save him. If he wasn’t chopped in half from rolling the window down, than he was 100% chopped in half now that I ravaged his sweet little body in two different directions on a piece of motorized  death glass.

I’m sure the people walking by were wondering why I had my face two inches from the window with a pained look, mouthing the word “Nooooooooooo!” I have never been more emotionally distraught while on a lunch break and that’s no exaggeration because last week I had my car towed while trying to eat my half cooked chicken in the front seat.

Now all I’m left with is a little green steak smeared across my window.

Rest in peace, little friend. I LOVED YOU.

How do you feel about killing bugs? I typically don’t unless their tying to touch me when I’m in the shower or if their trying to crawl up my butt when I’m on the toilet. RESPECT MY TERRITORY, MONSTER. But this was my friend and I betrayed his trust and smote him into oblivion.

I’m just scared that when it’s my turn, I’m going to get up to the gates and BB Jesus is going to be all smiles but then my little worm friend will lean out from behind him and will bellow “NO!” and all the angels and BB-J will gasp in horror and I will be banished from Heaven and all it’s worm loving bullcrap. IT WAS AN ACCIDENT.

Anyways, I’m barely holding onto reality and I hope you guys have a nice evening and are not falling asleep while trying to watch Inside the Actor’s Studio with James Lipton.

k love you smooch bye 143 xo

 

Posted in Read Me, Uncatergorized

Songs I Listen to Compulsively 5/11 Edition!

Jon & Robin and The In Crowd- Do It Again a Little Bit Slower – What, is this the cutest song in the world? IT MUST BE because it kind of sounds the Monkees and the Brady Bunch wanted to do Cool Jerk/Georgy Girl mashup in the style of Nancy Sinatra and boy, does it work. I heard this song on the radio last week and the carousel sound of the word “slower” at the end of the song has been on a continuous loop in my head.  It’s kind of sad sounding and I want to kiss all my stuffed animals to it.

Taylor Swift – You Are In LoveI largely ignored this song when it came out on the 1989 deluxe album and typically don’t “connect” with Taylor Swift songs but Jesus Christ I listened to this song 8 times today. Her a lot of her songs are unavailable on YouTube due to copyright but I put the iTunes link so you can preview it and hate it then a year later hear it in your car when you’re 20 minutes late to work and realize it’s the greatest song you’ve ever heard about being in love even though you haven’t been in love for some years. It’s a real thrill ride.

Rush – Spirit of the Radio – Speaking of 1989, here’s a link to a live version to Spirit of the Radio. Geddy Lee has a voice of an angel who was formerly an alien prince and also in this video he looks like a nice 90s business-mom. Also, if you haven’t seen Freaks and Geeks, or haven’t seen it in a while, this  video warms my heart.

Okay, I’m tired because I haven’t listened to any of these songs within the past ten minutes and I’m starting to get antsy. I LOVE YOU smooch 143xo.