Adventures In Rock Hunting

I’m currently on the hunt to get more information on raw gemstones and minerals.

If you didn’t know, I’m turning into a bit of a “rockhound.” I’ve been collecting crystals and gemstones for a while now but I realized there wasn’t really a prominent source of training and education on the raw identification. I happen to work in jewelry, so getting access to polished and cut stone identification is easy, but I want to know about when you’re in the river sifting through rocks and dirt — is that an emerald or a labradorite in the pan?

SPEAKING OF WHICH:

gems

Don’t look at my gray hairs.

Here is a picture of me doing sifting for amateurs. Yes, I BOUGHT that sand but I had a lot of fun doing it and the water felt nice on my hands. Also featured is my Bugs Bunny watch.

No doubt you probably saw the image of a bunch of gems on my bureau posed according to the colors of the chakras. Note to self: clean the rest of your bureau off instead of shoving stuff to the side, we can still see it. Also featured is my Bugs Bunny watch…again.

I’d be interesting in hearing what other people have learned about raw stones and minerals. Any information or books or classes would be great. I found the Pinterest has actually been a pretty big source of information as far as the mysticism and metaphysical properties of stones go. I guess we’ll see!

with love and gems xo

 

 

A New Girth

It’s Sunday and I’m lounging on top of my bed hoping not to spill the crumbs from the banana bread I just ate all over my sheets. I don’t know if I was supposed to use a comma or two in that last sentence by we’ve got bigger fish to fry now.

I put up three posters in my bed room today, all with mediocre-hold-stickiness so I’ll let you know if I get the shit scared out of me in the middle of the night when one or all of them fall onto me while I sleep.

Today I was trying to find some podcasts to listen to while I cleaned my room. I ended up coming across Oprah’s Super Soul Conversations. I don’t get the OWN channel but I do watch when she live streams the Super Soul Sunday conversations. I found that she recently talked to  Eckhart Tolle, who wrote one of my favorite books (A New Earth), and was a constant guest on Oprah’s Lifeclass. Lifeclass was a show that then had a companion livestream with Oprah and guests. It focused on being “awakened” and living a life which less pain and stress. It was the first time I consciously remember changing my life by way of loosening the grip of ego (“small you”, not the personality trait), starting to meditate, and hearing someone articulate being “awake” which was something I had been feeling but was too young to really figure out on my own.

Today on the podcast, Oprah said she hadn’t interviewed Eckhart since those livestreams which was TEN YEARS AGO. I still vividly remember sections from that show and reading A New Earth and having it all click. They talked about evolution of consciousness, especially collection given the state of the USA, and how it’s not linear. You go forward, there is some regression, you move forward again, and right now we are back in a regression. It’s difficult but the regression is important because it does end up springing you forward.

Oprah’s podcast ended up leading me to search around for other podcasts and I ended up listening to Jack Kornfield’s show for three hours. Now I’m deciding which of the four books I’m reading simultaneously do I want to bring to bed tonight. It should probably be the one I rented from the library as opposed to the other three that have been sitting in my room for years on end. I wiped down the library book with a wet one the other day and Jesus Christ was that frightening. I won’t go into detail but just wipe down the books before you use them and also maybe don’t put them on the pillow that you sleep on.

My joke writing still feels sluggish so I wanted to try Reductress again soon. I used to pitch frequently but sometimes when you hit a goal, that’s all there is to it and you can move on. I moved on for a while but I think I would like to see my name up there again. I use it in my standup credits and I personally would like those to remain relevant.

Okay, I’m off to get another slice of banana bread because I need nourishment in one form or another and what better way than to take a fruit and make it unhealthy. Hehe.

Bye 143xo!

5 Year Anniversary

Yesterday was my 5 year WordPress anniversary! Remember when I spent like two years of that time submitting to McSweeney’s every day and posting all the rejected lists on here? Yeah, me too, and I’m considering erasing those stink bombs off the internet in case I become famous and someone sees I’m a fraud monster.

I think I was supposed to win a raffle last night because the guy called (my) number 196427 but he said 196457. No one had that number, and there were not a lot of people in the crowd, and we were some of the last people in the theatre… but if he was a dyslexic bebo like me he could’ve read the 2 as a 5. He was also using a dull flashlight to read the tickets. But I guess if he didn’t read it correctly and gave it to  someone else after he moved onto the next ticket then maybe I wasn’t supposed to win. I could’ve fallen off the swan boat and died. I should’ve mentioned earlier it was a ticket for swan boat rides. I want to ride a swan.

Anyways, in celebration of having a blog that I don’t regularly update, here is a song I’ve shared on here multiple times. I always seem to forget about it until it comes on every couple of months.  I’ve never let it play just once through by itself, I’ve always played it at least three times in a row. I realized maybe because it has kind of a unique song structure? There’s no real chorus or anything but I like Willow Smith’s lyrics because she’s a weird baby like me. Sparkle sparkle.

Okay please listen, bye! 143 xox

General Complaints, Questions, and Other Things

I’m waiting for my nails to dry so I don’t stick to my bedsheets so here are some thoughts I’m having while I lie here on my mound of stuffed animals.

  • I guess people don’t “lay” down, they “lie” down. My chiropractor informed me of  this during one appointment and I thought he was full of shit until I looked it up. I mean, one of my final papers as an English major was on the music in Hey Arnold so I’m no hero but I thought for sure I was using lay vs lie correctly. So, there it is. Objects can lay but people lie. I didn’t mean for that to sound depressing but I’m typing on my iPad with one finger tapping away so moving on.
  • I think it’s weird that Instagram doesn’t have the app formatted for the iPad or other tablets. Has anyone gotten to the bottom of this? I have the first generation iPad and, although it can store pictures, it does not have the camera. That iPad also became obslete about five operating systems ago and now the new iPads can fucking tell you how to live your life and give you therapy sessions over it too. I don’t know what that even means but, again, one finger. I should mention I’m not using that iPad now as it’s taking a nap forever while I use the first generation mini because they were basically giving them away at the AT&T store.
  • Can new mattresses be flipped? I don’t think they can because most of them are designed with the padded tops now. Although I enjoy the cushiness of a pillowtop, I’d also like to get out of bed in the morning without having to use a ladder to climb from my Lauren-sized divet I’ve created in the middle of the mattress.
  • I’ve been tapping with my finger for about 20min and my nails still aren’t dry and I’ve become incredibly thirsty. That sentence feels like a “Captains Log” entry documenting my final days as a millennial trapped in some incredibly convenient scenario which I have completely disregarded as anything but trash. I will also never refer to myself as a millennial again so take a picture while it lasts before I delete this post* (*or forget about it entirely.)

 

Okay, enough taps. 143xoxo smooch bye

Downtown Lights

I finally renewed my website. Look at me go.

In between running up my data by playing Disney Emoji Blitz and getting my sixth wisdom tooth removed, I’ve been listening to Spotify’s Discover Weekly. It suggested this song and it’s all I care about now aside from the ice cream that’s still in my freezer.

The version I have is about seven minutes long but I guess you’ll just have to suffer knowing you’re only getting four minutes, wondering forever what the other three missing minutes contained. Well, I’ll tell you, it’s some guy hitting buttons on a synthesizer to make more swirly sounds and some sentence fragments vocalized by Paul Buchanan – or at least I think it is- the music video is so damn dark that honestly that could be anyone. You’ll need a stapler to keep all the lyrics together because it’s like eight pages long. Enjoy.

xo 143 bye

Online Portfolio and Enya Jokes

I finally put together an online portfolio!  Now all my articles from McSweeney’s, Reductress, xoJane (and more?) are in one place for you to look at or ignore, I don’t care.

This might be my first post since the new year so here’s a picture of me doing standup on New Years Day! This is part of the annual 100 First Jokes show that happens at ImprovBoston. It’s probably more likely 200 First Jokes as every year the amount of comedians that perform grows which is awesome and really exciting and also a reminder to carry hand sanitizer with you in the green room.

screen-shot-2017-01-15-at-3-13-13-pm

thank you to my friend Joe for capturing my set-up of an enya masturbation joke

I’ve been working on a few new sets including my time at summer camp where I purposely pissed my pants so my mother would have to pick me up and also one about how I’ve been mysteriously ill for a year and got a balloon shoved up my ass in the name of medical science. Dreams do come true.

Speaking of dreams, I’m adding “become the most sought after creative consultant in North America”  to my bucket list. I think it fits nicely with “get my phone shaped like Star Trek’s Starship Enterprise to work” and “ride an orange bike.”

giphy

Alright, that’s all I have to say for now. Here’s the link to –> my portfolio <– again! Click and look and be amazed that I could copy and paste links in an orderly fashion because honestly I was skeptical of my abilities too.

love you BYE xo143

Don’t Steal My Beanie Babies Plz

Hooray! Four day weekend came to a close which makes me sad but also I had about 47 coconut macaroons so I think it ended on a high  note.

I rejoined OKCupid which was the worst idea I’ve had in a while. I know in my soul that I am not going to meet anyone on there because I’m afraid they’re going to find out where I live and steal all my Beanie Babies. HOWEVER, I still like the opening messages like “Hi, what nationality are you?” and “I want you to make me dinner” are worth reviewing for a little while longer.

As far passion projects, I’ve been working more on my standup which is good because usually my method is: sign up for a show, don’t practice until the day of, suck a fair amount, then shrug and say “well I didn’t really try so it wasn’t really me sucking.” Excellent business model!

Countdown to my annual Christmas/Holiday/Seasonal card. Also hooray! Photos will come once they are all sent out. WHICH IS 100+ THIS YEAR AND I NEED HELP BUYING A BILLION STAMPS. Das alotta cheese to spend on some stickers. BUT WORTH IT.

Okay, I’m tired, I just had a popcorn dinner with a hot chocolate dessert.

bye! xxoxooxaksdfjksdhfjksd

Hernia Sue

Hello! I’ve been bedridden for a week, let’s check out my sores together!

Last Friday as the day was wrapping up at work I started to feel a little… ill. I figured it might be my body winding down from a busy week and with the weekend in sight I might’ve been letting go of holding myself so tightly all week. There was a comedy show I reeeeeaaaaaalllllllly wanted to go to, so I got home and laid in bed in hopes it would go away. When it came time to get dressed I was sweating and swallowing hard. Haha! Must just be the weather making me crazy!, I thought as I was hunched over snapping the crotch of my bodysuit and mouth breathing.

The whole ride over I sipped seltzer water and blasted the A/C on my face. You’re okay old girl! It’s just nerves about going to a super fun event!,  I tried to asure myself as I burped and gurgled and barely held the seltzer down.

It didn’t help that it was 90 degrees and humid as fuck, like the kind in a steam room that makes you hack your lungs out onto your towel-laden sisters. Why bother even going, Lauren? Why not just stay home? Becccccaaaauuuuuuuse, I said I reaaaaallllyy wanted to go. Going out to shows gives me a sickening personal high, between the performers, the people in the crowd who I fucking love and admire (and I get to call some of them frenz!), I get VERY jazzed about it. So cue me 5mins into standing and watching the show being like “I’m gonna ralf” and booking it out of there in a whirlwind. Torture is waiting for the goddamn WALK sign to turn on before I start running into the middle of the street. I felt like a giant asshole too. I have a complex where I assume everyone is watching and scrutinizing my every move. I wanted to run back in and scream I’M NOT LEAVING BECAUSE I HAVE BETTER THINGS TO DO, I’M LEAVING BECAUSE OH-OH GOOYAARFFLARBAGARFLURF*” (*me throwing up).

I went home and slept until Sunday morning. THAZ ALOTTA SLEEP. I kept getting a weird cramp  that felt like my liver was shriveling and squeezing itself out through my rib cage. I was tempted to call my brother to bring me to the ER as I was sweating bullets and had the spins, but I was so goddamn tired that I just cried and fell back to sleep like an idiot annnnnd also my health insurance really only covers the flowers they will send my family at my funeral so what can I do, y’know?

I ended up going to the conveniently located Arlington Urgent Care (it replaced a Bagelville, R.I.P., they had a great vegetable spread) and they were very lovely and were like “uhhh here is some Prilosec OTC and nausea medication, go the fuck to sleep there’s a stomach bug going around.” I worked from home Monday and went in on Tuesday, left early Tuesday because I thought I was gonna die, and went into work Wednesday, sat in the dark because the lights are generally upsetting, and cried at my desk like dumb tart. I should mention I rarely cry unless it’s to a song or a movie. This post is making me out to be a blubberpus but I’m noooooot, goddammit I’m NOT. By God’s sweet divine gracias, my chiropractor said he’d see me, so I drove 60+miles for him to be like “Jesus Christ you have a giant hiatal hernia in your chest” and promptly stuffed his fingers under my ribcage and ripped it out. I suggest finding a chiropractor who knows how to do this stuff because other than that it’s SURGERY which still doesn’t really relieve the pain, or so I am told by Dr. Internet (not a real person, or maybe it is, I don’t know). Also I am not a doctor and don’t want to be because ewww icky so if you need a surgery go get it, baby.

Soooo, I didn’t drive back to my house after the appointment and ended up sleeping at my mom’s house (conveniently located near the chiropractor). I worked from her house Thursday, drove up to work Friday morning with a lunch cooler that looked like my liver was in there (as seen below).

my hernia

Delicious.

I like driving up to work in the morning because I have to leave in the wee hours. It’s quiet, dark, and the dew on the grass and in the air smells ever so lovely. Thankfully, I survived the day and went back home to mom’s house after. Just me and the open road again trying not to dry heave and listening to Liz Gilbert’s books on tape (or “audiobooks” as the kids call them.) An enema or two later, I’m back to being at least upright for the week, hooray!

Hope you all enjoyed your Labor Day weekend where people keep saying it’s the last day of summer but it’s not, did you see this week’s forecast it’s like fuckin’ 90 and raining fireballs. I don’t like talking about the weather because it’s the same (but worse, because science) every year, SO WHY DO WE COMPLAIN, WE KNOW IT’S COMING, YOU DON’T HAVE TO TALK TO YOUR COWORKERS ABOUT IT, WE KNOW.

Okay, time to pack it up since I’m still at my mom’s house pretending I have no obligations in this earthly realm, BYYYYYE.

smooch 143 xox

 

 

 

I’m On The Science Diet 

Did I capitalize the title correctly? I’ve given up following the rules. 

Sunday Night Notes:

After the past few weeks of feeling like I was going to throw up, pass out, or die at any given moment, my diabetic cat and I are now on matching diets for hypoglycemia. In social situations I tend to hang back due to delayed responses brought on by profound dyslexia in speech and comprehension.  However, since the end of June if I’ve been extra distant or at least as far as the nearest trash can, it’s because I didn’t want to throw up into your mouth and pass out and risk kRaPping my pants in my weakened state. And yes, that’s the scientific name, you idiot. 

My new lifestyle of fruit and maybe some wet food has begun. Also, right when I finished that sentence The Carpenters’ “We’ve Only Just Begun” started playing on the 70s music station thanks to mega conglomerate Comcast (plz don’t cut my cable, this station rulez.) 

On that note, if you need any further proof that the universe swaddles and kisses its babies then you should prbbbbbly get off my page, you charlatan. 

Love you. Xo 

In Gargoyles We Trust.