5 Year Anniversary

Yesterday was my 5 year WordPress anniversary! Remember when I spent like two years of that time submitting to McSweeney’s every day and posting all the rejected lists on here? Yeah, me too, and I’m considering erasing those stink bombs off the internet in case I become famous and someone sees I’m a fraud monster.

I think I was supposed to win a raffle last night because the guy called (my) number 196427 but he said 196457. No one had that number, and there were not a lot of people in the crowd, and we were some of the last people in the theatre… but if he was a dyslexic bebo like me he could’ve read the 2 as a 5. He was also using a dull flashlight to read the tickets. But I guess if he didn’t read it correctly and gave it to  someone else after he moved onto the next ticket then maybe I wasn’t supposed to win. I could’ve fallen off the swan boat and died. I should’ve mentioned earlier it was a ticket for swan boat rides. I want to ride a swan.

Anyways, in celebration of having a blog that I don’t regularly update, here is a song I’ve shared on here multiple times. I always seem to forget about it until it comes on every couple of months.  I’ve never let it play just once through by itself, I’ve always played it at least three times in a row. I realized maybe because it has kind of a unique song structure? There’s no real chorus or anything but I like Willow Smith’s lyrics because she’s a weird baby like me. Sparkle sparkle.

Okay please listen, bye! 143 xox

Rejected Pitches!

Just like the Rejected Lists series seen here over the years, here are some headline/article pitches I sent out last week to satire news sites that were promptly rejected. Enjoy!

 

Woman Earns PhD After Finishing All 5 Seasons of Oprah’s MasterClass

 

Woman Gives Blowjob the Old-Fashioned Way

 

Boycott Beyoncé: Lemonade Stand Businesses Across America Demolished, Millions of Toddlers Unemployed

(News article interviewing the kids affected by the devastating loss of their businesses. How will they afford book order day at school? Can America ever trust Beyoncé again?

 

Do You Have Delicate Features or Are You Just a Gelfling?

(Style)

I Used a 100% Organic Skincare Line for a Month and Here’s What Happened After I Turned into an Elm Tree

(Style)

Doctor’s Surgically Remove Block of Ice Inside Woman’s Heart, Ex-Boyfriend Brad Goes into Hiding

 

 

World Record: Woman Inducted into Guinness Book of World Records after Sneezing, Coughing, and Queefing Simultaneously Without Combusting Shortly Thereafter

.

I Got Verified on Twitter, Now Bow to Your Goddess

 

 

How to Convince Your Boyfriend It’s Not a Cold Sore, It’s Beauty Mark

IT’S NOT A COLD SORE, WHAT DON’T YOU UNDERSTAND?

 

Help! I Lost My Phone at Coachella and a Stranger Found it and Posted 497 Dick Pics to My Instagram and Now We’re in Love

 

***

Truly shocking how none of these were picked up, right? Pave your own way, kids.

k smooch bye 143 xo olly olly oxen free

Nickelback, Game of Thrones, and Other Fun Things

Hey BingBongs,

I flossed my teeth a few minutes ago so you could say things are really falling into place for me. I even changed my bedsheets which listening to Rockstar. Before you lay into me, we can all join hands and agree that Nickelback is the most hated band BUT you can’t tell me that you don’t sing all the goddamn words to Rockstar and don’t act like Billy Gibbons doesn’t look cool as fuck and he’s not even trying to look like he’s lipsyncing anything remotely close the the words. The secrets and shame stop here.

In other news, Grace and Frankie has a second season on Netflix and it is DELIGHTFUL. If you like complex relationships and people saying the word fuck then you are in for a real treat. That’s my recommendation, a tres niche audience.

Also, Game of Thrones is a show that people watch. I’m having a hard time watching it lately because  I realized that there is no way this series is going to have a happy ending and every character I hold dear to my hear will get slaughtered eventually. It’s taken the thrill out of it. Then again, I did just rent Inside the Actor’s Studio DVD from the library so I might not be the best judge of what is good and cool.

I don’t have my glasses on so god knows what any of this says, so fret not cutie-pies, my motorskills are not deteriorating before you this day.

Ok, I am tired though.  I love you 143 831 smooch bye. xo

Do Not Microwave Your Dirty Sponge or You Will be a Sad Person

Are you a sad person? Is it because you microwaved your sponge?

I know most of you cried out with  resounding “YES!” to both those questions, so I’ll just cut to the chase.

If for by some reason you answered “no” to the second question, which I know is highly unlikely, then I’m going to dispense some Baz Luhrmann advice on you. Also, Luhrmann autocorrected when I spelt it wrong and that frightens and delights me. Anyways, DO NOT MICROWAVE YOUR SPONGE. But yes, wear sunscreen.

seal

If this seal can do it, then you can do it too!

After seeing a post about cleaning your kitchen, I read some of the tips listed–one of which was “microwave your sponge to kill bacteria!” Good idea in theory BUT what is not mentioned is the fact that although the germs may be dead, they also die a fucking wretched, butt-smelling death. You know when your sponge has worn down and it has gross dirty dishwater smell? Yeah, it’s like that but only HOT and like someone wiped the sponge up their asshole.

giphy

Here we are in the Pit of Eternal Stench.

Don’t do it, unless your into a buttonhole smelling sponge thing. I’m sure there’s a section of the internet that caters to that. So, I bet you are looking for a solution now that I’ve busted that myth? Well, I don’t have one because I’ve lost all sense of smell after that experiment and won’t be able to conduct any further tests. Please send clean sponges in lieu of flowers.

Have you ever tried a dumb hack and found out that it was really dumb? Tell me in the comments so I can avoid doing those dumb things! I should show you my cream cheese Oreo truffles I tried to make. They were as gross as that sounds.

Okay! I love you! Go buy some nice fresh sponges and don’t stick them up your butt unless they are the feminine sponges but then again those don’t go up your butt either OKAY BYE DON’T BE A SAD PERSON!

“Yes And” Your Way to a Promotion*†!

Boss got you down with his latest fribble-frabble nonsense boss talk?

“You’ve been 20 minutes late every day to work but still put down your overtime when you work 5 minutes passed close.”

*ZOOM * YES AND?

Your boss will be so taken back by your leadership skills, he’ll blankly stare at you (obviously impressed) and never doubt your superiority again!

Kooky coworker questioning your choice to hang up on a client with no valid reason other than they were boring the fuck out of you?

*KAPOW* YES AND, KOOKY SUZY FROM ACCOUNTING?!

If Suzy gets cute and tries to follow up with “…and it’s incredibly inappropriate and not tolerated here” simply place your hand over Suzy’s scrunchy little face and give a gentle love push. Just enough to show YOUR authority but just little enough so she doesn’t call THE authorities. If done correctly, she’ll be overcome with how bold and charming you are and she’ll be totally cool about it.

Tired of a hard mornings work and you’re trying to enjoy a nice sandwich in the breakroom when Tony from HR tries to kill your vibes? “But you’re eating my sandwich—“

*DINGDONG! WHO IS IT?* YES AND, DIRT LICKER, THAT’S WHO!

Don’t mistakeTony’s horrified look for weakness. He’s a snake and snakes can only be killed by shoving sandwiches down their throats. Survival 101. You’re welcome.

*The author of this list cannot be held accountable for any jobs terminated from following the aforementioned instructions. Author must receive 10% of any promotion money earned if acquired.

†Not the be confused with the building block phrase “yes and” that nurtures a healthy and constructive improvisation environment.

Like these tips and want more? Check out our full list of tips from the hot book “Yes And” Your Way to a Promotion, now featured on Amazon Prime!

A Terrible Motivational Speech

I did a parody of Ira Glass’ famous and lovely quote on storytelling and writing. It hardly makes sense. Enjoy.

“Nobody tells this to n00bs. I wish someone told me. All of us who eat food, we get into it because we have good taste. But there is this gap. For the first couple years you eat stuff, it’s just not that good. It’s trying to be good, it has potential, but it’s not. But your taste, the thing that got you to buy that $400 Kitchen Aid mixer with all the attachments, is still killer. And your taste is why your food disappoints you. A lot of people never get past this phase, they take Tums, have violent bouts of diarrhea and quit. Most people I know who eat and make interesting food went through years of this. We know our food doesn’t have this special thing that we want it to have (cinnamon). We all go through this. And if you are just starting out or you are still in this phase, you gotta know its normal and the most important thing you can do is just eat a lot of food. Put yourself on a deadline so that every week you will eat one sundae. It is only by going through a buttload of sundaes that you will close that gap, and your homemade froyo will be as good as Ben & Jerry’s ice cream. And I took longer to figure out how to do this than anyone I’ve ever met. It’s gonna take awhile. It’s normal to take awhile. You’ve just gotta loosen your belt and fight your way through it.” -Roth Plastic

I Ate Recalled Food

It would certainly explain the face rash I’ve been blaming on spider bites.

I got an automated phone call from the grocery store the other day, saying the lettuce I bought was contaminated with a bacteria that has too many consonants smashed together to pronounce correctly. They didn’t say that verbatim but I could tell in that robot-demon’s electronic death voice, that that’s what she meant.

Lucky for me and my little knowledge of how things actually work, I eat a grotesque amount of yogurt. My point being is that those little invisible health soldiers that live in yogurt helped give me less diarrhea than normal and fight off whatever flesh eating disease I could have contracted. Or at least I haven’t noticed anything yet, I can’t really say I’ve look at my ass in a while. The face rash though, I just thought those spiders were suffering from famine and had to sacrifice dignity over necessity.

The End (but not really)

Hey Lint-lickers!

I DID IT. I FINALLY DID IT.  (Obligatory sex joke.)

Day 31. The final question of the Blog Challenge that I’ve managed to drag on since May. Whoops.

The Question: Why do you blog?

As I mention in every waking breath, in every medium, to every person I’ve met, I love comedy AND I love talking about things that other people feel uncomfortable talking about. Not controversial stuff (I mean, if you want!) but having conversations about emotional things that people stuff down inside them. Not necessarily a therapy session, but I appreciate talking passionately, whether about that goofy music you loved when you were 10 or that time your uncle died. Most people, when getting to know me, throw a “you’re weird” out there. But hey, I’m not going to pretend I’m a placid movie character. I over-share and reveal personal information about myself.  Just because you may not understand me, doesn’t mean you won’t, and doesn’t mean I don’t understand you.  I realized my “weird” is what a lot of people connect to on a deeper level. Several of my friendships have evolved from conversations that started with a “you’re weird” but closed with “I feel like I can be myself around you.” I don’t think I could dream up a more touching compliment.

In regards to blogging, I can reach people who might think the way I do, or who maybe are unconsciously searching for someone they can kick their shoes off with. We can toss around a few dick jokes too (because, y’know, comedy).

That being said, there are so many mediums available to throw your comedy onto. Naturally, I’m on all of them, but each outlet has it’s own crowd and it’s own set of strengths and weaknesses. Twitter is great for quick jokes, but blogging is a great place for rich storytelling. AND I GOT STORIES, KIDS.

It’s also a place I like to go to when I remember I went to college for writing and need to fill the void by writing reflective essays about myself.

Well. There it is. All done.

Thank you all who have kept tabs on ZE BLERG SHULERNGE. I think I lost the challenge in regards to the “31 Days” thing, but I answered all the questions, so there.

Until next time, my shining stars!