In Which I Have Visions

Hey quackmonkeys,

It’s a little known fact, aside from close friends knowing, that I’m pretty intuitive. I get weird/accurate gut feelings about situations, I manifest people and items quickly, and I’m pretty good at those flash cards Venkman tests those kids with at the beginning of Ghostbusters.

But last night was extra woo-woo. I had a dream that my aunt slipped while out in the snow and had to go to the emergency room. She had to be hooked up to breathing machines, have X-rays, etc.

Pretty simple dream. Short and weird. I woke up, rolled over, and went back to sleep and dreamt that I was a French duck-lawyer, trying to solve my case.

I forgot about the dream and went to work. It wasn’t until later this afternoon, when my mom texted me to say that my aunt  (same accident-prone dream aunt) was in the emergency room, that I remembered it. She had to get her lungs checked out and do breathing tests for an injury she got while out in the snow.

WEIRD, HUH?

What’s also weird is that I curled my hair and now I smell like burnt fur. I can’t wait to charm all the boys.

Anyways, peace-love-and duck-lawyers!

Lolo von Quackenthecases.

Montgomery Whiskers, Esquire: A Monologue

Today as I sit at my desk, I am Montgomery Whiskers, Kitten-at-Law. My friends call me Monty, but then again, I have no friends. My hard work pooping in my briefcase and throwing up behind the radiator has led to many of them behind bars at the Happy Tails Kennel, a maximum security facility. No blankets, no squeaky toys, no wet food. I hate to see them go, but it’s either them… or me. Tony Two-Paws was my most recent case. Caught trading nip to some little minx in the back alley behind the Fish Market. It’s a sick world out there, I’ll tell ya. But somebody’s gotta keep these streets clean. (Slams clenched paw on desk, composes self, straightens necktie)

Kitten-at-Law

Today as I sit at my desk, I am Montgomery Whiskers, Kitten-at-law. My friends call me Monty, but then again, I have no friends. My hard work pooping in my briefcase and throwing up behind the radiator has led to many of them behind bars at the Happy Tails Kennel, a maximum security facility. No blankets, no squeaky toys, no wet food. I hate to see them go, but it’s either them… or me. Tony Two-Paws was my most recent case. Caught trading nip to some little minx in the back alley behind the Fish Market. It’s a sick world out there, I’ll tell ya. But somebody’s gotta keep these streets clean. *slams clenched paw on desk, composes self, straightens necktie*

Cats

As I’m waiting for my hair straightener to reach white dwarf temperature levels, I’ll tell you a tale about how me and my cat were handcuffed together. This is our story.

Okay, so we weren’t “handcuffed” per say, but let me paint this rolling landscape for you. When I got home from work today, I wanted nothing more than to face plant onto my couch and recover from the last 9 hours spent without break (and without feeding my kitty faces). I walked in, turned off the alarm, and  saw Litty, my 14 year-old princess tabby, sitting like an angel from Kitten Heaven. Before I even had time to dive underneath the couch cushions, I was distracted by her soft fur, her big whiskers, and her cute meow-face. Naturally, I cooed at her and slung her over my left shoulder. She gripped her furry fingers into my shoulder blade as I scooped her bum in my hand. I was Rafiki and she was my Simba. That went on for about 30 seconds until the music stopped and  I hunched forward so she could help herself down.

Then disaster struck. One of her  jagged little claws snagged  in my H&M nine dollar pullover. A familiar tale that has only ended in peril.

I set my elbow on the arm of the couch, so she didn’t have to dangle from my shoulder, like Rose on the back of the Titanic. I knelt, she sat, staring at each other like arm wrestlers do before the match starts. Now normally, a stuck claw can be relieved by simply holding the kitty’s paw and pulling the shirt away from it. But your cat isn’t Litty. What should have been a quick fix was a seven minute foray in a Chinese finger trap hell. She pulled, I pulled, she pulled, I pulled. An intense tug-of-war. The minutes passed and I began to wonder who would die first. Would my mom come home to me laying lifeless on the floor, Litty sitting on my dead face?  I tried desperately to grab her paw to release us, but when I touched her tangled foot, she slapped me with the other one.

I contemplated taking my shirt off and  letting her keep it, but we were in front of a open window and my neighbor was out standing by his mailbox.

Then came the moment of clarity, I draped myself on the arm of the chair. Litty sat staring at me like it was somehow all my fault. I looked up at the clock, 7 minutes. “We can’t stay here forever, Litty. One of us has to make a sacrifice.”

She looked at me as if to say “Whatever, bitch” and turned to look out the window.

It was my only chance. She had looked away, and I took things into my own hands.

I grabbed her paw and ripped my shirt away and screeched, “WE’RE FREE!”

Her ears went flat and she whipped her head around, staring at me wide-eyed. I did a few victory kicks and said “What? No ‘thank you’?”

She stared at me, farted, and jumped down.

So there you have it. My straightener is sufficiently hot enough to murder curls and you’ve now heard my tale of woe for the day. Did you learn anything from it? Hopefully that love conquers all,the good guy always wins in the end, and that cat farts are the worst.