Crunchy the Car

There were a few days there that I didn’t post, eh?

If you MUST know (yeesh, get off my back already), I was in a car accident the other day.

Nothing major but it was one of those moments much like finishing school forever,  or getting dumped, or death of a someone you know. Just an Ooh. So this is what this is like. Hmm. Proverbial check mark made.

Now that I’ve self medicated with leftover* Halloween candy (*candy I bought for myself while I sat at home with the lights off) I’m ready to talk about it without feeling like the girl who cashes in on all her terrible experiences. Although if I could get cash to talk about my terrible experiences I would promptly send you my bank number.

Because I am a sick person, I cackled during most of it while the other driver sobbed. Maybe because it was her fault and I haven’t had the ability to cry since 2008 but hey I can’t pinpoint with all these variables.

The abridged version is I was dressed in a tight as fuck, spandex, Deadpool costume heading to an 80s dance party (held on a boat). My friend was desperately trying to change into her Jessica Rabbit costume in the back seat (all parties except for the boat were wearing their seat belts, don’t fret).

A few cars ahead of me, a car had its tire hanging off, hazards on, nothing happening. The girl in front of me sat for 5 minutes until the honking started. Did I mention we were at a 4-way intersection during rush-hour in Boston? That was a thing too. Anyways, the girl backed up into the intersection so she would have enough room to go around Mr. Brokeydown. She had enough room. Then not so much. Then none. Then OH GOD NONE NO ROOM NONE. I beeped just to let her know that she hit me (not a big deal, it was tap). Unfortunately, the beeping scared her and she stepped on the gas and careened backwards. Crunch, crunch, crunch. She straightened her self out, put it in drive and we were able to find a space where we could both pull over.

She came bombing out of her car (in her jammies) with tears streaming down her face. She was so concerned about my well being I started cracking up and ended up consoling her. I remember that teenage fear of what…have I done…WHERE IS MY MOM, PLEASE HELP.

I hope her parents let her take the day off of school the next day.

It’s all I could think about the next day. Close calls always jolt you back into the reality that anything could happen at any time. That’s also the beauty of it. Anything could happen at anytime. Let’s just hope it’s good, like being able to stand on the side of the road in your Deadpool costume telling a stranger you are 25 and have no idea who your car insurance provider is even though you pay the $130 bill every month.

C’est la via, ammiright?

We ended up skipping the boat party. Our adrenaline was through the roof that I might have just driven straight into the harbor and wouldn’t have noticed the difference.

***

I hope everyone had a cavity inducing Halloween. What did you dress up as? Did your costume give you a rash? I want details.

k love you.

L.L. Bean has nice boots.

The End (but not really)

Hey Lint-lickers!

I DID IT. I FINALLY DID IT.  (Obligatory sex joke.)

Day 31. The final question of the Blog Challenge that I’ve managed to drag on since May. Whoops.

The Question: Why do you blog?

As I mention in every waking breath, in every medium, to every person I’ve met, I love comedy AND I love talking about things that other people feel uncomfortable talking about. Not controversial stuff (I mean, if you want!) but having conversations about emotional things that people stuff down inside them. Not necessarily a therapy session, but I appreciate talking passionately, whether about that goofy music you loved when you were 10 or that time your uncle died. Most people, when getting to know me, throw a “you’re weird” out there. But hey, I’m not going to pretend I’m a placid movie character. I over-share and reveal personal information about myself.  Just because you may not understand me, doesn’t mean you won’t, and doesn’t mean I don’t understand you.  I realized my “weird” is what a lot of people connect to on a deeper level. Several of my friendships have evolved from conversations that started with a “you’re weird” but closed with “I feel like I can be myself around you.” I don’t think I could dream up a more touching compliment.

In regards to blogging, I can reach people who might think the way I do, or who maybe are unconsciously searching for someone they can kick their shoes off with. We can toss around a few dick jokes too (because, y’know, comedy).

That being said, there are so many mediums available to throw your comedy onto. Naturally, I’m on all of them, but each outlet has it’s own crowd and it’s own set of strengths and weaknesses. Twitter is great for quick jokes, but blogging is a great place for rich storytelling. AND I GOT STORIES, KIDS.

It’s also a place I like to go to when I remember I went to college for writing and need to fill the void by writing reflective essays about myself.

Well. There it is. All done.

Thank you all who have kept tabs on ZE BLERG SHULERNGE. I think I lost the challenge in regards to the “31 Days” thing, but I answered all the questions, so there.

Until next time, my shining stars!

Things Are Good

Hey bing-bongs!

This week has been stupendous. I thrive on inexplicable happenings and this week they have been raining down on me like I was Andy Dufresne when he’s all “PEACE Shawshankz, Imma GTFO.*”

(*Paraphrasing.)

My brother had the great fortune of being asked to open with his band Guillermo Sexo for Sky Ferreira/Smith Western at the Paradise Rock Club in Boston. It’s been a dream of his to play there and I was so honored and proud and oh god make the tears stop. But to be able to experience such an important moment in his life was incredible, to say the least.

NOW. This day was going to be special even if nothing else happened except for my brother giving his drums hell.  (Which he did, his bad was phenomenal.)

To list all the synchronicities would take 600 hours, 8 cups of coffee, and 3 bags of Funyuns to get through.

SO, here is my favorite moment of the day:

I’ve been going to the same coffee shop, every day, for the past 2 years. Every so often, when I’m in the drive-thru, I like to pay for the person behind me. I enjoy the anonymity of it, as I screw in and out of there like Darkwing Duck, but I always secretly hope it makes someone’s day.

From what I hear from the lovely ladies behind the counter- some people enjoy it, some get confused. And that’s okay! Either way I hope there is some shred of happiness brought to them.

The day of my brother’s show, I was in the drive-thru, screeching to Celine Dion as usual. I looked in my mirror and noticed an old pickup truck behind me, and fell in love with the three buck/deer bobbleheads sitting on the dashboard. That is, until I fell in love with the 70-year-old man petting and tending to their furry little heads as he waited behind me. Knowing we were kindred spirits, I paid for my order and his, and drove off to work.

I got to work, parked, and got my things together. When I stepped out, I was met with a pickup truck blocking-in my car. My panic mode stuck full force with my inner monologue coming to terms with my inevitable death. Welp, here’s where I get killed by a raging, murderous, psychopath who looks for sweet, innocent, iced-coffee-drinking girls in their work parking lot at 8am on Wednesdays.” Thankfully, I saw my 3 bobblehead friends on the dash before I started throwing elbows. I was wearing my tight jacket from last year and that puppy would’ve split clean in half if I did any jerky movements, so I mean, thank God, right?!

Delighted to see my new buddy, he thanked me for his coffee, we talked, and before he backed away, he looked me dead in the eye and threw  a peace sign. Normally, that would just be adorable, but it was so jarring the way he did it, I could feel my face drop. I swear on Tasty Burger, there was something about the look in his eyes and the way he threw his hand up, it made me feel like I was staring at my dad (died in2012).

I went into work, peeled the coat off my body, and turned on the radio. I sat for a second processing the little moment I just had. Then I realized one of my dad’s favorite songs was playing, and I was wearing a shirt with the yellow peanut m&m guy on it. My dad worked for Mars for a while, and as kids my brother got the red m&m memorabilia and I got the yellow guy. WEIRD, right?

No?

Well I think it’s weird.

I also think it’s weird how many run-on sentences I used for a grown woman. Hmmm.

But my point again, that was just one small chunk of the day leading up to my brothers show. I am so thankful and elated. No doubt in my mind that my dad was watching.

***

In other news, I have ONE MORE DAY of the Blog Challenge. Thank you guys who have been it! I love your comments and appreciate you sticking with me since I turned the 30 Day Blog Challenge into my 3-Month-Answer-At My-Leisure-Questionnaire. I appreciate it.

OKAY! It’s nap time. Do you have your fleece sheets out?

Until next time, my little Henry Rat-Finklers!

Dream Job

Hey my little Pikachus!

It’s Day 23 of the Blog Challenge.

The question: What is your dream job?

I don’t know that I necessarily have a dream job, as I do a dream career.

If you can dream it, you can do it. Right kids?

Anyhoo, I’d like the be a professional stand-up comedian. I also want to write for comedy shows, whether being Late Night, or a sitcom, or a sketch show, or a movie. I’d also like to publish a collection of personal essays I have.

I don’t think I understand how a person functions without comedy. It’s all I really want to do and mostly what I think about. I’m also a freak.

Well, I really want ice cream, so I’m going to cut this short.

ALSO. This is my 125th blog post.  I think that may be some sort of milestone. *throws glitter in your eyes*

Until next time, my darling crab rangoons!

The Best Thing to Happen This Year

Hey childrens!

I think summer is unofficially over. Now I have more time to love and caress you with my words and feelings.

Today is Day 22 of the Blog Challenge, which I’m pretty sure I started in May, but I forewarned you of my lack of focus, so really this is all your fault. Shame on you.

But today’s prompt is: “What is the best thing to happen to you this year?”

There are only a few months left in 2013, so I’m sure some super great things are going to rain down upon me as soon as I publish this post. But for today, the best thing to happen this year….

Is stand-up!

Are you surprised?

No?

Alright fine.

I’ve had a lot of fantastic experiences of all kinds this summer.I won tickets to a Scotty McCreery concert and tickets to Huey Lewis and the News. I got to see Brian Regan and Bill Burr (and meet him!). I got to go to the Eugene Mirman Comedy Festival and see two of my favorite comedians, Jon Benjamin and Bobcat Goldthwait.  I met a lot of new people within the Boston comedy circuit, who are incredible people as well as comedians (not always mutually exclusive, but sometimes.)

BUT the best thing that happened to me this year was taking classes and doing the Student Showcase. It was the best set I’ve had and I got to perform for family and friends. I’ve done open mics, some went okay, some well, and some just fucking sucked. Pardon my French, but if you were there, you’d be fluent too.

It’s hard because you can have a shit set and everyone hates you. Inside you’ll be crying “No, I’m not this terrible! I’m a lovely person and my sense of humor is pretty sharp! That was just terrible because I didn’t practice, and I was nervous, and I’m still learning, but I’m trying, please love me!”

The classes and the Showcase were incredible, but the pathway they opened is even greater.

Is it getting weepy in here?

Anyways, before I starting rubbing the computer all over my body, I think I’m going to grab a Coke and go lay on the floor somewhere. This has been my first full day off, with no commitments, in 3 months. I can’t tell you how excited I am to catch up on the X-Files (I’m 20 years late, I know), and Breaking Bad (I’m 20 days late, I know).

Well my midnight drearies, until next time!

Proud Moments

Day 17! Blerg Cherhlerng.

What is my proudest moment?

Well, it certainly wasn’t last night.

I went to an open mic and bombed the fuck out of my set.

That’s okay though, I wanted to cry right after, but I woke up this morning not really affected by it.

I have no idea if I’m supposed to use “affected” or “effected” in that sentence. Help?

***

Anyways, my proudest moment!

I think it would be the time I gave David Sedaris a piece of my shit writing.

He probably gets that kind of thing all the time, but for me, I’ve always avoided doing things outside my comfort zone.

This has definitely been a year of breaking that whole pattern and it’s been great.

 

I think the other proudest moment hasn’t happened yet. That would be…

…my Showcase coming up on Monday!

 

I’ve been at the comedy school for over 2 months and all the work we’ve been doing is going to be presented at the Student Showcase!

I’m already proud that I started taking steps to doing more of what I love, which is stand up and comedy. Regardless of the negative feedback I may get (and with comedy-holy shit can the feedback be harsh) I’ve been powering through.

It might seem obvious to the rest of the world that following your dreams should be on the list of things to due while you’re alive, but it wasn’t on mine for a loooong time.

So yay for strides!

Well, it’s suppy time. Until next time my little gingerbread hens!

Timeline of My Life…I Mean Day.

Blog Challenge! Day 15!

1) Woke up.

2) Checked horoscope. (Sad, I know).

3) Stood up and walked wearily around my room trying to figure out who and where I was.

4) Showered, beautified, sat in front of A/C.

5) Got in car and drove a bunch to get to my stand-up class.

6) Laughed, performed, laughed, and laughed.

7) Left and went to CVS and got REALLY uncomfortable over a guy yelling about the price of his 20 oz. soda. If they charged $300 for Coke, it’d be worth it PAL.

8) Got in my car and drove a bunch of hours back to my house where I immediately sat and watched the X-Files and ate dinner and waited for ice cream. 

9) Typed this blog post while waiting for ice cream.

10) Still waiting for ice cream. 

And that’s pretty much where I’m at right now, from 7AM to 7:15PM.

Thrilling, right?

***

In other news, I did get to see Brian Regan last night! It was hot as fuck but it was a good show. Didn’t get to meet him after, but we locked eyes at one point and that to me says that we are now BFF’s and we’re going on tour together. Hooray!

Well, I must be getting back to my Mulder now.

Until next time, my little Chicken Diddles!

Day 7…blerg…

Blog Challenge! Day 7. 

Although, the amount of time I’ve taken to do this, I’m probably on day 46.

My “pet hates.”

Do you mean pet peeves? 

I don’t really hate anything. 

Except for olives.

Fuck olives.

Anyways, I don’t like when people step on the back of my flip flops because they are walking too close to me. 

It’s not that big of a deal.

But I think what annoys me more is when animals step on the back of my flip flops. 

This actually happened the other day, and I don’t think I’ve never been more enraged in my life. 

 

Okay, that’s it!

Blog Shell-Hands: DAY FOUR

Fourth day of the blog challenge.

I went to go see the B52’s and GoGo’s last night. 

I’ll write all about that when I have more time.

BUT Day Four: What are you afraid of?

On the surface I would say I’m afraid of sinkholes. Those pop up wherever the fuck they want. Could be right under your toilet.

I’m also afraid of not being able to save my cats. I have dreams that I’m trying to run away with them from something menacing like coyotes or tornadoes. 

One of my more deeper fears is not succeeding how I want to. I have ENORMOUS goals career wise, so when I lay in bed at night, in my Barbie pajamas, I wind up thinking about all the things I should be doing instead of sleeping.

What are you afraid of? Spiders? Monkeys? Spider Monkeys?

Until next time, my little bamboo shoots.

BLERG SHA-LONGE: Day 3

Blog Challenge Day 3

FAVORITE QUOTE.

I posted it a while back, but I got a fortune cookie and the fortune read:

“If you want to win anything-a race, your self, your life-you have to go a little berserk.”

Google told me it was a quote from George Sheehan (author, running enthusiast, physician).

I don’t know if it is but regardless it’s still the greatest fortune I’ve ever received.