5 Year Anniversary

Yesterday was my 5 year WordPress anniversary! Remember when I spent like two years of that time submitting to McSweeney’s every day and posting all the rejected lists on here? Yeah, me too, and I’m considering erasing those stink bombs off the internet in case I become famous and someone sees I’m a fraud monster.

I think I was supposed to win a raffle last night because the guy called (my) number 196427 but he said 196457. No one had that number, and there were not a lot of people in the crowd, and we were some of the last people in the theatre… but if he was a dyslexic bebo like me he could’ve read the 2 as a 5. He was also using a dull flashlight to read the tickets. But I guess if he didn’t read it correctly and gave it to  someone else after he moved onto the next ticket then maybe I wasn’t supposed to win. I could’ve fallen off the swan boat and died. I should’ve mentioned earlier it was a ticket for swan boat rides. I want to ride a swan.

Anyways, in celebration of having a blog that I don’t regularly update, here is a song I’ve shared on here multiple times. I always seem to forget about it until it comes on every couple of months.  I’ve never let it play just once through by itself, I’ve always played it at least three times in a row. I realized maybe because it has kind of a unique song structure? There’s no real chorus or anything but I like Willow Smith’s lyrics because she’s a weird baby like me. Sparkle sparkle.

Okay please listen, bye! 143 xox

Story Bored

Hi, my friends.

Like many writers, artists, monkeys, and other creative people, I get really irritated when I’m not producing anything. I have 47,000 ideas going on at once and there’s just too many chips in the cabinet for me relax and sit down to focus on one. Or twenty. OR ANY.

Thank God for the instructions of NaNoWriMo. I’ve always edited as I go which made my 5th grade book reports a real bitch in the Lo Kirby household. Half way through my stunning argument on why Charlotte from Charlotte’s Web was my favorite character I’d think, Wait…Is Charlotte kind of an asshole to Wilbur? I don’t agree with her methods at all! Do I really hate Charlotte? Oh my god, I HATE CHARLOTTE. 

It’s a curse. It also inhibits me from working on essay and letting it breathe before I start tearing it apart and eventually giving up on it altogether. I have a list published on McSweeney’s and that took nearly two years to achieve and I worked on it steadily. I wonder where 47 word documents with 3-10 sentences in each with the intention of becoming a story will get me? Hmm.

I CAN’T HELP IF I GET BORED AFTER 30 SECONDS OF WRITING BECAUSE THERE’S CHEESE IN MY FRIDGE AND I HAVE TO GO TO WHERE THE CHEESE IS BECAUSE CHEESE IS NOT BORING.

SO, I started a new process. I have a giant coloring pad that I have deemed my “Story Board” (harharhar, elbow jab, wink wink, hehe, hoohoo). Every single story idea that flashed for 2 seconds in my mind goes on the board. No wonder I was stressed out. After 10 minutes I had about 30+ stories written down. These are ideas that have been floating around for months or years. Now that the idea is down I don’t have to worry about texting it to myself 12 times over the year when I remember it while walking around Walmart or honking down a burger at McDonald’s. It’s there and now I can pick one and focus on it.

We’ll see how the focusing goes.

Okay, I love you, you smell great, here’s my number, don’t forget to feed the dog, tell the babysitter to stop stealing the K-Cups. GOODNIGHT!

Published! Hip Hip HOORAY.

I said HOORAY, God dammit.

This week I hit a very big goal that’s been on my vision board for a few years. Although I think it’s taken me longer than the average person to succeed with this, I think it made the fruition of it more special. BUT I’ve made it onto McSweeney’s!

Here’s the link to my list:

List: Honest Résumé Objectives

Check it out, share it, print it, burn it, press it onto a t-shirt, make it into a mug, tattoo it on your ass.

Thanks!

ALSO, this week is the Women in Comedy Festival in Boston! Headlining tonight is Maria Bamford at the Wilbur. I wish I could go but I went to Bobcat Goldthwait, Eugene Mirman, Aziz Ansari last week and I went to Target twice. Now I’m sitting at my desk eating baker’s chocolate out of the bag and writing poetry about my period.

Ciao muthafuckas,

❤ Lo

Radio Silence or Something Like That. Also Big News.

Hey kids!

The blog had to take a hiatus for a while because my laptop started a rebellion and only wanted me to look at its artwork. It’s really into using blocky, abstract pixels and is currently going through what looks like a yellow phase. I’m guessing it’ll be looking into getting some gallery shows soon.

Also the washing machine started to do some performance art and midway through a cycle released it’s watery-underbelly onto my basement floor. It was reminiscent of “Poseidon Adventure” but it’s still a beginner and beginner’s have to work through that weird beginner-y phase for a while. I believe in it though.

In BIGGER news, I’m finally getting a piece published on McSweeney’s!

I’ll post all the information when it goes live in a couple weeks.

This is a big deal for me as I’ve never had anything professionally published before AND it’s fricken McSweeney’s.

One of my teachers through the Second City said that the average amount of tries it takes to get on their “Lists” page is about 5. It took me upwards of 30, so don’t worry. If I can do it, SO CAN YOU! *shoots confetti cannon*

This also means I have at least SOMETHING in my writer’s portfolio that is validated.

Speaking of jorbs and stuff, I’ve been diligently looking for new work. I’ve applied to everything from mail clerk to phone sex operator. I’ll keep you posted on any new hits, but I think my phone sex operator career isn’t going to take off the way I thought it was. Someday.

Until then, BYE

Lolo von Finallypublishedsomethingthatisntterriblebergsteingirlman

Perks of Living on Cape Cod: A (Rejected) List

BEHOLD! Another rejected list submission.

Perks of Living on Cape Cod

Your diamond bracelets second as napkin rings for your surprise picnics on the beach!

 

You know ALL of the Kennedy cousins, and are close friends with Shecky, Harpo, and Twanda Kennedy.

Those Madras Bermuda shorts look great on the golf course. And that seagull golf club cover? You are too much!

A belt to match every set of loafers with little whales, little crabs, and adorable little sailboats. I am in Heaven!