Rejected Pitches!

Just like the Rejected Lists series seen here over the years, here are some headline/article pitches I sent out last week to satire news sites that were promptly rejected. Enjoy!


Woman Earns PhD After Finishing All 5 Seasons of Oprah’s MasterClass


Woman Gives Blowjob the Old-Fashioned Way


Boycott Beyoncé: Lemonade Stand Businesses Across America Demolished, Millions of Toddlers Unemployed

(News article interviewing the kids affected by the devastating loss of their businesses. How will they afford book order day at school? Can America ever trust Beyoncé again?


Do You Have Delicate Features or Are You Just a Gelfling?


I Used a 100% Organic Skincare Line for a Month and Here’s What Happened After I Turned into an Elm Tree


Doctor’s Surgically Remove Block of Ice Inside Woman’s Heart, Ex-Boyfriend Brad Goes into Hiding



World Record: Woman Inducted into Guinness Book of World Records after Sneezing, Coughing, and Queefing Simultaneously Without Combusting Shortly Thereafter


I Got Verified on Twitter, Now Bow to Your Goddess



How to Convince Your Boyfriend It’s Not a Cold Sore, It’s Beauty Mark



Help! I Lost My Phone at Coachella and a Stranger Found it and Posted 497 Dick Pics to My Instagram and Now We’re in Love



Truly shocking how none of these were picked up, right? Pave your own way, kids.

k smooch bye 143 xo olly olly oxen free

Montgomery Whiskers, Esquire: A Monologue

Today as I sit at my desk, I am Montgomery Whiskers, Kitten-at-Law. My friends call me Monty, but then again, I have no friends. My hard work pooping in my briefcase and throwing up behind the radiator has led to many of them behind bars at the Happy Tails Kennel, a maximum security facility. No blankets, no squeaky toys, no wet food. I hate to see them go, but it’s either them… or me. Tony Two-Paws was my most recent case. Caught trading nip to some little minx in the back alley behind the Fish Market. It’s a sick world out there, I’ll tell ya. But somebody’s gotta keep these streets clean. (Slams clenched paw on desk, composes self, straightens necktie)