Might as Well Face It, You’re Addicted to L…ooking at Your Phone

Hi My Little Sweetheart Darlings,

I’ve come to face the fact that I am a slave to my iPhone.


Please say you’re at least 50% charged.

I meditate, I read books about spiritual consciousness and  ego, I take probiotics, I DO IT ALL. Yet still, when I see other people craned over their phones I think, Huha! Thank God that’s not me!   … and it is absolutely, 100% me.

Every night to wind down, I think about climbing onto my bed to meditate and then get under the covers to read for bit. In reality, I climb onto my bed, think about meditating for five minutes, decide to skip it and get under my covers to read, take out my phone  and look at it for two hours instead, decide I’m finished and pick up the book and fall asleep with the book on my face three sentences later.

I talk about how great meditation and stillness is while I’m still holding my phone a millimeter away from my eyeballs. I move from post to post from app to app and if the first thing doesn’t entertain me, then I know there are literally millions of videos, pictures, tweets, I could look through to preoccupy my thoughts from focusing on my very own mortality. I think it’s also the reason going to the movie theaters seems like an a laborious task. What if the movie is boring? YOU MEAN I HAVE TO SIT THERE AND WATCH IT INSTEAD OF FLIPPING THROUGH 500 THINGS THAT MAY POSSIBLY NUMB ME INTO THINKING I’M NOT BORED. Even while writing this post, I’ve looked at four different articles, opened Facebook three separate times, bought $144 worth of clothes off NastyGal, and made myself an ice cream.

Holy Christ.

There are so many things I want to do. I have a giant coloring pad the size of a mini-fridge with all the goals I want to meet with writing and comedy written on it. If I lived without my phone like I did in middle school, coming home, watching Garfield & Friends, then coloring or drawing or singing or dancing to Brandy alone in my room, I’d most likely be cranking out projects at a much higher rate or consistency.

I did join a few writing groups, mostly women, and every day at least 5-10 people share all the great essays or articles they have published all over the place. Despite having a few things published, seeing other people do it demystifies the process for me and dispels the fear that the writing biz is washed up. If you write it, they will publish. 

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The challenge now is to put into practice what I think about doing which shutting off my goddamn phone for five minutes and creating something that people may benefit from.

If you haven’t listened to the Pete Holmes podcast “You Made it Weird” with Garry Shandling as the guest, I suggest you find the time. Garry nails it by explaining that yeah, we say all these thousands of heartfelt mantras and quotes, but Jesus Christ, you have to LIVE by what they say instead of just reading them and being like, “Yeah! I get it!”

Now the sneaking feeling that I’m being unproductive it setting in. I’m going to go do overkill and try to work on ten different projects at once, burn out, and be mad at myself for not finishing anything and look at my phone for four hours. Hehe!

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Okay my dears, smoochsmoochsmooch bye143.


Weed, Brah.

For a short period of time, a few years back, I used to smoke weed and chomp on edibles. As one would expect, I was reminded of that time today when every social media outlet I follow blew up with 4/20 mentions. Despite being a short-lived period, the memories from that time are some of the funniest and most vivid moments  I still think about. Let’s reminisce on the more outrageous ones, shall we?

  • I used to ride my bike in my college town all the time. After one particular evening of smoking, I rode my bike to a 7-11 and bought a bag of powdered Donettes and ate the whole bag in three minutes. I dropped one on the ground in the sandy parking lot. I picked it up, pulled a screw out of it and ate it any way.


  • Avoid getting “too high” at all costs. It’s horrible and you feel like you’re dying. With that being said, I was on day two of coming down from a high and had to go to my ceramics class. The radio was on and I was at the wheel in demonstrating Demi Moore realness and was making a massacre of the vase I was attempting to form. The 30-something-year-old ceramics teacher sat behind me (with permission, as he did with all the students) to help me figure out the finger work. Once he sat down behind me and the wheel was on, we started forming a vase. Then I fucking kid you not, “Unchained Melody” from the Righteous Brothers came on over the radio. We both immediately stiffened up in true UH OH form. Trying to take the awkward tension out of our Ghost recreation project, he said, “well this is fitting.” I hit the speed pedal on my wheel and the vase shot off into oblivious nearly taking the head off one of my classmates.


  • My favorite story starts off with me drooling in the back seat of my friend’s car and listening to the Sound of Silence on the way to the movie theatre. That should’ve been a big Blue’s Clues pawprint right on my face as evidence that I should’ve stayed home. Thor just came out so we headed over for the late show. The theatre was huge with multiple levels but I had zero problems finding the sole Ben & Jerry’s stand and having a forty-seven thousand calorie jumbo frappe made from three different ice cream flavors before the movie started. I remember being extremely tired after dosing my innards with cookie dough products but I remember the effects were crazy and Loki screaming “TELL ME!” The next day at lunch we all talked about the movie and I mentioned how glad I was we saw it in 3D and that it really added a cool layer to the movie. After a beat of silence and looks from everyone, one of my friends said, “We didn’t see it in 3D.” Stunned and convinced they must be trying to fool me, I mentioned that we wore the 3D glasses and everything, to which I was met with the reply, “Lauren, those weren’t 3D glasses, you were just wearing your sunglasses during the entire movie.”


Have any dumbo stories of your youth or even your adulthood?






Hey, I’m Dumb and Here’s Why: A Moment on Suicide and My Stupidity*

*Please note this post discusses suicide and may be triggering for some. The National Suicide Hotline for those in need: 1-800-273-8255.


Today I watched the Virgin Suicides for the first time. Not the most uplifting of movies, but who would’ve guessed with that title?sdfsdfsdfsdfsdf

I know I’m about 15 years too late and I’m not sure if spoilers have a “statute of limitations” but to spare anyone who hasn’t seen it, I’ll make a vague statement by saying–they talk about suicides! One of them being “sticking your head in the oven.”


Now, for someone who was very sheltered in their life and was lucky enough to grow up without having to learn from such an experience, I did not know what the logistics were behind the “sticking your head in the oven” method. I’d heard it and almost found it humorous because I pictured someone’s nana having a fit over bad manners at the dinner table and using it as a threat to get everyone to shut up, behave and eat nicely.

Me and my roommate started getting upset over the thought of this horrific way to end a life. “So do you just wait for it to heat up and you burn yourself?” and “Or do you just hit yourself with the door?” were some of the genius questions posed by these two. “How scary must it be to wait for it to preheat??”

We finally googled it out of sheer morbid curiosity.


That’s when we found out just how dumb we really are!  Apparently, it was very easy to manipulate old GAS ovens and breathe in the toxic fumes. YEAH. No one was trying to have a Gremlins moment. Thankfully, this misuse of an appliance is not as easy to partake in now.

Oh yeah and then I peed my pants laughing about how serious we took ourselves in our plight to save non-existent people from not cooking their head meat A urine-soaked cycle of chumps and chump-related thoughts.


In any case, I want to stress that I don’t find suicide itself funny because it’s not. What I find funny is how I am terribly naive and have a lot to learn about mostly everything in the world.  For example, I am still not 100% sure on how to use a can opener. Suicide just happened to be the subject of the day.

Have you ever done or thought anything so tremendously stupid, it was almost borderline adorable how much of a knucklehead you were? How did you find out that you were wrong and possibly irreversibly dumb? I NEED TO KNOW!

Stay safe! Breathe clean air! You are loved even if you don’t know how to use a can opener either. 143 123 xox pfffft.

Dream Job

Hey my little Pikachus!

It’s Day 23 of the Blog Challenge.

The question: What is your dream job?

I don’t know that I necessarily have a dream job, as I do a dream career.

If you can dream it, you can do it. Right kids?

Anyhoo, I’d like the be a professional stand-up comedian. I also want to write for comedy shows, whether being Late Night, or a sitcom, or a sketch show, or a movie. I’d also like to publish a collection of personal essays I have.

I don’t think I understand how a person functions without comedy. It’s all I really want to do and mostly what I think about. I’m also a freak.

Well, I really want ice cream, so I’m going to cut this short.

ALSO. This is my 125th blog post.  I think that may be some sort of milestone. *throws glitter in your eyes*

Until next time, my darling crab rangoons!

If I Won the Lottery…

…and by if I mean WHEN.

Because positivity, you know?

But for realnessess, I would pay off any debts of my family and friends had. I don’t think people should have to worry about money. I know that sounds naive and unrealistic for most people, but in the bigger picture I don’t think it’s worth it.

That being said, I would also like to start wiping my butt with twenties.

I would also buy back an independent movie theater that was shut down near my town. It was bought and was going to be turned into something sad like an apartment building, but those plans fell through.

Anyways…I’m going to see Brian Regan tonight! HOORAY!

Okay! Until next time my little cucumbermelonheads!



Twenty facts about me.

  1. I love stand-up (comedy).
  2. My middle name is Kirby.
  3. I love the X-Files.
  4. I got through a couple rounds of tryouts for Wheel of Fortune.
  5. I love roller skating (and derby skating).
  6. I have a yellow rose tattooed on my forearm.
  7. I am heavily considering getting an X-Files related tattoo.
  8. I was a Van Halen girl extra in an Adam Sandler movie. 
  9. I graduated in 2011 with a degree in English with a Writing concentration.
  10. I love Coke. 
  11. I love mocha iced coffee.
  12. I make YouTube videos of Nutcrackers singing. They are intended to be terrible. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UyMvGbPVr1Y
  13. I’m running out of things to say about myself.
  14. I almost pissed in my dad’s ashes once.
  15. I took some writing classes through the Second City and it was the greatest.
  16. My cat has diabetes so I give her shots because I love her furever.
  17. I want to write comedy and do stand-up for the rest of my life.
  18. I play Gears of War a lot.
  19. I’m not certain that I’m using the functions in Gmail correctly.
  20. My first name is Lauren. 

Tah-dah! Not that interesting facts about me.

In all fairness, I am eating ice cream, so that’s distracting.

Until next time, my sklerpnergs.

My Toe is Hanging Off

Hey squeaples.

A couple months ago I got involved with a roller derby team.

Not romantically, but they were having some clinics for skaters to learn new tricks and skills.

I went, I fell on my ass, and I had an awesome time.

After a few hours on your skates, your feet can get pretty numb. If they are too tight or if they haven’t been broken in much they can feel like vice grips.

My feet felt pretty crappy a few days after, but I didn’t think anything about it.

After a couple weeks I couldn’t curl the toes on my left foot. Walking was unbearable. I even made a couple jokes about breaking my foot on Twitter.

It got to the point where I couldn’t wear my new high heels, which have Ring Pops all over it (the design, unfortunately, they aren’t covered in real Ring Pops.)

That being a major crisis, I ended up going to my chiropractor.

He had me lay on his Frankenstein table and tilted it all the way back so I was laying completely horizontal (like most tables).

After an “ahh” and a “mhm” and  some”ooh’s” he came forth with the news. “Your toe is dangling out of it’s socket.”

Hm. As I suspected but did nothing about.

He began strapping my leg to the table.

“Uh, What’s that? I don’t like what you’re doing, why are you doing that, WHAT ARE YO–”

But before he even told me, he was hovering over my foot and with all his weight behind it, snapped my toe back into it’s socket.

He unraveled the tape and pressed the button that made the table move to an upright, vertical position, in true Frankenstein form.  I had to jump off before it kept going 180 degrees and smash me into the carpet.

He wrapped my foot up in the same tape he had strapped my leg down. “Keep this one for a couple days, maybe a 4 to 5 days, maybe a couple weeks. And don’t get it wet.”

I took it off after 4 days. I got it wet.

But my toe is all better! It hurts a little, but now I can stomp around in my Ring Pop shoes.

Until next time, gurgle puss!

Are You Addicted to Netflix?

A rejected liihiihiihiiiisssst. That’s me singing the word list. Was it pretty?



You spend at least 2 hours a day watching your new favorite show! (Who’s last episode aired in 2008).

You don’t answer when your friends try to reach you, but you love hearing The King of the Hill theme song play every time they do.

The Freaks and Geeks opening credits releases so many endorphins. 

You don’t even understand how you lived before Firefly.

You’ve contemplated formal essays expressing outrage of only one season of Bob’s Burgers, and worse, only two of Louie.

God, that Fox Mulder is sexy.