I WENT TO CANADA

This weekend I went to CANADA!

I saw Niagara Falls, ate a Tim Horton’s donut, and bought checkered long johns with a workable buttflap.

If you’re afraid of heights and/or horrible naturally-occurring deathtraps, then I don’t advise going to the falls. I also REALLY don’t advise going to tourist attraction, “Journey Behind the Falls.”

In Journey Behind the Falls you pay $20 to stand in a 98 degree holding cell underground for an hour and then get smooshed into an elevator with 10 other people and plunge 70ft below the earth. Then you step out of the elevator (in your sweaty plastic bright yellow poncho) and into the warm inviting stench of diarrhea. You’re supposed to wander around underground tunnels, literally behind and under the falls. It’s dark and the sound is deafening like in the Titanic when the whole joint was blowing up and water was busting out everywhere.  We lasted about 3 minutes until we ran to the equally as horrifying elevator. I’m sure there’s a nice tourist somewhere admiring their family vacation photos and spotting a young girl in the background ralfing into the water right behind Nana.

To ease the pain and redeem our marshmallow girl status, we returned back to the surface and as I mentioned, bought buttflap pajamas. Everything was right again.

It was a great experience to see how quickly mother nature could crunch you into oblivion. I ended up researching morbid things like “deaths at Niagara Falls” and “why does it smell like diarrhea at Niagara Falls.” To be continued.

In another surprising discovery about the world, I found out that you can turn your roaming features off on your phone without turning off your data. You’ll know you’ve done it right when an hour later you receive a courtesy text from AT&T stating that you’ve have exceeded the $100 mark in international rate charges. I’m guessing my bill is anywhere from $101 to $6,000. And to think I had OKCupid open the whole time and I didn’t even talk to any hunks.

Alright kittens, don’t go meandering off the sides of any monstrous water attractions.

I love you, sleep tight, kiss your Nana(s) and your Gigapets goodnight.

Blog Shell-Hands: DAY FOUR

Fourth day of the blog challenge.

I went to go see the B52’s and GoGo’s last night. 

I’ll write all about that when I have more time.

BUT Day Four: What are you afraid of?

On the surface I would say I’m afraid of sinkholes. Those pop up wherever the fuck they want. Could be right under your toilet.

I’m also afraid of not being able to save my cats. I have dreams that I’m trying to run away with them from something menacing like coyotes or tornadoes. 

One of my more deeper fears is not succeeding how I want to. I have ENORMOUS goals career wise, so when I lay in bed at night, in my Barbie pajamas, I wind up thinking about all the things I should be doing instead of sleeping.

What are you afraid of? Spiders? Monkeys? Spider Monkeys?

Until next time, my little bamboo shoots.

Pajama Problems

I found these puppies yesterday, courtesy of Target. I haven’t decided what I’m going to name them yet, so if you have any suggestions feel free to comment (Note: If you submit “Foxy” or “Vixy” this blog isn’t for you).

Anyhoo, I noticed some problems with these onesie/footie pajamas, and I’d like the share them with you so you can avoid any onesie/footie pajama incidents.

1) Be Careful Eating Muffins: You never know when a rogue crumb is going to fall down your sleeve and end up trapped underneath your foot. This is why I proposed the idea of zippable feet openings for proper ventilation and trapped food release.

2) Be Careful of Toilets: If you’re like me, you choose to let nothing come between your baby skin and your fleece pajamas. This comes at a price, however. I unzipped my onesie and used the ladies room, but to my horror, my sleeve got sucked down the toilet. After much scrubbing with Dial soap and blowdrying with a 30 year old Conair, I am lead to my next tip…

3) Be Careful of the Ponch: Or as some charmers refer it to as a word that starts with “f” and rhymes with “shmoopah.” Waiting for the rest of my sleeve to dry, I tied the top half of the onesie around my wait. Footed pants should be a staple in everyone’s wardrobe but be careful ladies! It makes the mid-section a unflattering nod to the 2nd trimester.

So there you have it. Be sure to warn any of your loved ones who are thinking of purchasing a onesie/footie pajama set. (Or using the bathroom or going to the 90’s). Many blessed onesie nights to you!

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