A Concerned Inner Discussion I Had with Myself Earlier Today

I don’t want to sleep when I’m dead. What if I don’t have the option? That saying is bullcrap. I’m certain I can sleep now on earth but what if I can’t sleep in Heaven? Then I just WASTED my sleep opportunity. GONE.

What if it doesn’t even matter up there? WHAT IF IT’S NOT AN OPTION AT ALL?!

And if there is no afterlife at all, then EVERYTHING.IS.RUINED! How could we be so presumptuous? How can we even begin to deprive ourselves of laying our sweet little heads onto our hypoallergenic pillows and gently drifting to a place where we can roller skate naked on an airplane with no consequences except maybe we totally forgot about the midterm exam we have to take and need to jump off the airplane ASAP.

What are your thoughts? TELL ME. I’m going to sleep because I am taking advantage of this gift and also this NyQuil that’s thinning my blood.

K love you, hope you dream about doughnuts and lots of hunky men or women.

A Terrible Motivational Speech

I did a parody of Ira Glass’ famous and lovely quote on storytelling and writing. It hardly makes sense. Enjoy.

“Nobody tells this to n00bs. I wish someone told me. All of us who eat food, we get into it because we have good taste. But there is this gap. For the first couple years you eat stuff, it’s just not that good. It’s trying to be good, it has potential, but it’s not. But your taste, the thing that got you to buy that $400 Kitchen Aid mixer with all the attachments, is still killer. And your taste is why your food disappoints you. A lot of people never get past this phase, they take Tums, have violent bouts of diarrhea and quit. Most people I know who eat and make interesting food went through years of this. We know our food doesn’t have this special thing that we want it to have (cinnamon). We all go through this. And if you are just starting out or you are still in this phase, you gotta know its normal and the most important thing you can do is just eat a lot of food. Put yourself on a deadline so that every week you will eat one sundae. It is only by going through a buttload of sundaes that you will close that gap, and your homemade froyo will be as good as Ben & Jerry’s ice cream. And I took longer to figure out how to do this than anyone I’ve ever met. It’s gonna take awhile. It’s normal to take awhile. You’ve just gotta loosen your belt and fight your way through it.” -Roth Plastic

The Best Thing to Happen This Year

Hey childrens!

I think summer is unofficially over. Now I have more time to love and caress you with my words and feelings.

Today is Day 22 of the Blog Challenge, which I’m pretty sure I started in May, but I forewarned you of my lack of focus, so really this is all your fault. Shame on you.

But today’s prompt is: “What is the best thing to happen to you this year?”

There are only a few months left in 2013, so I’m sure some super great things are going to rain down upon me as soon as I publish this post. But for today, the best thing to happen this year….

Is stand-up!

Are you surprised?

No?

Alright fine.

I’ve had a lot of fantastic experiences of all kinds this summer.I won tickets to a Scotty McCreery concert and tickets to Huey Lewis and the News. I got to see Brian Regan and Bill Burr (and meet him!). I got to go to the Eugene Mirman Comedy Festival and see two of my favorite comedians, Jon Benjamin and Bobcat Goldthwait.  I met a lot of new people within the Boston comedy circuit, who are incredible people as well as comedians (not always mutually exclusive, but sometimes.)

BUT the best thing that happened to me this year was taking classes and doing the Student Showcase. It was the best set I’ve had and I got to perform for family and friends. I’ve done open mics, some went okay, some well, and some just fucking sucked. Pardon my French, but if you were there, you’d be fluent too.

It’s hard because you can have a shit set and everyone hates you. Inside you’ll be crying “No, I’m not this terrible! I’m a lovely person and my sense of humor is pretty sharp! That was just terrible because I didn’t practice, and I was nervous, and I’m still learning, but I’m trying, please love me!”

The classes and the Showcase were incredible, but the pathway they opened is even greater.

Is it getting weepy in here?

Anyways, before I starting rubbing the computer all over my body, I think I’m going to grab a Coke and go lay on the floor somewhere. This has been my first full day off, with no commitments, in 3 months. I can’t tell you how excited I am to catch up on the X-Files (I’m 20 years late, I know), and Breaking Bad (I’m 20 days late, I know).

Well my midnight drearies, until next time!

BLERG SHA-LONGE: Day 3

Blog Challenge Day 3

FAVORITE QUOTE.

I posted it a while back, but I got a fortune cookie and the fortune read:

“If you want to win anything-a race, your self, your life-you have to go a little berserk.”

Google told me it was a quote from George Sheehan (author, running enthusiast, physician).

I don’t know if it is but regardless it’s still the greatest fortune I’ve ever received.

Crystals and Toe-Sucking

Hey guys, I might be a witch.

Lately I’ve been reading up on crystals and gemstones and their benefits. I have a piece of citrine, an emerald, and a little lapis lazuli (any Gilgamesh fans?).

I carry them around as lucky charms but I also read that keeping certain ones under your pillow will help you have happier dreams when you sleep.

WELL my friends, I did not put my crystals under my pillow last night and I had some pretty fucked up dreams. One of them included sucking the toes (which nails were painted blackish-purple) of a kid I used to like a few years back. There was lots of drag queens, Goldfish crackers, rainbow escalators, and a nighttime pool party.

It sounds traumatizing but I woke up laughing so I’m hoping I haven’t completely become unhinged. Although, I’m not sure if laughing means I am crazy or just understanding of the absurdity.

Judging by the titles of my last few posts, I guess it might be the former.

In other news, I am seeing a psychic this weekend!

It was either that or a therapist and the psychic was cheaper.

And they are usually better at telling people what to do.

Me make a decision for myself? Puh! Unless it’s food or clothing, I’ll take all the advice I can get.

Or this blog. This thing is stream of consciousness. I pick a topic and wipe my ass with it and see how you darling pooptarts like it.

I’m not going to put the crystals under my pillow again tonight and see if anything else kooky happens.

Until next time my Scruvy Fully Bloateds!

I Have a Bruised Ass

Hey WordPressians! I think this post might be full of profanity, so buckle up barf-breaths!

Friday I went to roller derby tryouts and fell on my ass a whole bunch. By “a whole bunch” I mean a fuck-ton. That’s like a regular ton, but with each fall the “fuck” you scream as you land on your tail bone gets louder and more aggressive.

I can’t walk from all the squatting and skating and falling and dying, so I’ve been laying in bed with my cat, Maisy. She says hi.

In other news, I haven’t washed my sheets in a few weeks because I’m gross. Maisy says it smells like shit in here, so I’m thinking I might open a window and spray some Febreze on my bed until I can make it down to the laundry room.

I also bought a new notebook to write all my dysfunctions in. Here is a quote from Thursday, which I found to be a particularly raw moment. There was a lull at work.

Thursday: “I’m fucking dysfunctional today because I’m thirsty and it’s cold outside. I just want to fucking leave. I’m thirsty as fuck and I want an iced tea. I can’t wait to have a soda later but I’m irritated because glasses keep slipping of my goddamn face and my fucking hands are sticky, and I don’t even know why. I just want an Oreo smoothie and peace the fuck out and read a book and drink a coke.”

Charming and coherent. But I believe in the expelling of negative energy into a notebook before having a meltdown in public. I have my own minor internal tantrums, so it’s nice to get them out before I talk to you darlings (or before I drive my car through a Denny’s).

Until then kids, I hope you’re having a lovely weekend with your supple, non-bruised, sweet little asscheeks.