General Complaints, Questions, and Other Things

I’m waiting for my nails to dry so I don’t stick to my bedsheets so here are some thoughts I’m having while I lie here on my mound of stuffed animals.

  • I guess people don’t “lay” down, they “lie” down. My chiropractor informed me of  this during one appointment and I thought he was full of shit until I looked it up. I mean, one of my final papers as an English major was on the music in Hey Arnold so I’m no hero but I thought for sure I was using lay vs lie correctly. So, there it is. Objects can lay but people lie. I didn’t mean for that to sound depressing but I’m typing on my iPad with one finger tapping away so moving on.
  • I think it’s weird that Instagram doesn’t have the app formatted for the iPad or other tablets. Has anyone gotten to the bottom of this? I have the first generation iPad and, although it can store pictures, it does not have the camera. That iPad also became obslete about five operating systems ago and now the new iPads can fucking tell you how to live your life and give you therapy sessions over it too. I don’t know what that even means but, again, one finger. I should mention I’m not using that iPad now as it’s taking a nap forever while I use the first generation mini because they were basically giving them away at the AT&T store.
  • Can new mattresses be flipped? I don’t think they can because most of them are designed with the padded tops now. Although I enjoy the cushiness of a pillowtop, I’d also like to get out of bed in the morning without having to use a ladder to climb from my Lauren-sized divet I’ve created in the middle of the mattress.
  • I’ve been tapping with my finger for about 20min and my nails still aren’t dry and I’ve become incredibly thirsty. That sentence feels like a “Captains Log” entry documenting my final days as a millennial trapped in some incredibly convenient scenario which I have completely disregarded as anything but trash. I will also never refer to myself as a millennial again so take a picture while it lasts before I delete this post* (*or forget about it entirely.)

 

Okay, enough taps. 143xoxo smooch bye

Hi, It’s Me, Your Nana-Mom

Hi PingPongs,

Here is some unsolicited advice I cultivated just for you from my own experience.

If you are a AAA member, you can go to one of their (participating) locations and renew your driver’s license. Why is this of any interest? It is because it took me ten minutes to renew mine and I did it on a Saturday. I used all of my vacation and sick time on my cross-country trip to Colorado so I was worried I was going to take a hit on my paycheck that I’m already stretching to cover my need of signing up for online tarot and realm reading classes.

I also registered as an organ donor while there! I got a tattoo last year so I couldn’t donate blood for a while, so why not jump right back into the saddle  of the body organ and fluids market then to check a little box that could save someone else should the time come. Also, I urge my fellow O Positives to donate blood because it can help everyone and you get snacks and I’ll even hold your hand and brush your hair because I’m your new nana-mom.

Well there is my car driving and blood giving agenda. I’m going to go see if Honey Dew Donuts has any Everything bagels left and then finish reading my $14 magazine about secret societies.

OKAY BYE smooch x

 

“Yes And” Your Way to a Promotion*†!

Boss got you down with his latest fribble-frabble nonsense boss talk?

“You’ve been 20 minutes late every day to work but still put down your overtime when you work 5 minutes passed close.”

*ZOOM * YES AND?

Your boss will be so taken back by your leadership skills, he’ll blankly stare at you (obviously impressed) and never doubt your superiority again!

Kooky coworker questioning your choice to hang up on a client with no valid reason other than they were boring the fuck out of you?

*KAPOW* YES AND, KOOKY SUZY FROM ACCOUNTING?!

If Suzy gets cute and tries to follow up with “…and it’s incredibly inappropriate and not tolerated here” simply place your hand over Suzy’s scrunchy little face and give a gentle love push. Just enough to show YOUR authority but just little enough so she doesn’t call THE authorities. If done correctly, she’ll be overcome with how bold and charming you are and she’ll be totally cool about it.

Tired of a hard mornings work and you’re trying to enjoy a nice sandwich in the breakroom when Tony from HR tries to kill your vibes? “But you’re eating my sandwich—“

*DINGDONG! WHO IS IT?* YES AND, DIRT LICKER, THAT’S WHO!

Don’t mistakeTony’s horrified look for weakness. He’s a snake and snakes can only be killed by shoving sandwiches down their throats. Survival 101. You’re welcome.

*The author of this list cannot be held accountable for any jobs terminated from following the aforementioned instructions. Author must receive 10% of any promotion money earned if acquired.

†Not the be confused with the building block phrase “yes and” that nurtures a healthy and constructive improvisation environment.

Like these tips and want more? Check out our full list of tips from the hot book “Yes And” Your Way to a Promotion, now featured on Amazon Prime!

Peanuts and Tomatoes

Hey clam sauces,

I was thinking today about my new phrase, “peanuts and tomatoes, amiright?!” 

It’s a great way to impress your friends with this hit phrase that means “same difference.”  The origin? I feel the same way about peanuts as I do tomatoes. I’m also an idiot. 

BUT hear me on this. I don’t like peanuts or tomatoes unless they are an ingredient for a larger, more delicious snack. Peanuts don’t nearly have as much num-power as pistachios, cashews, or even fricken almonds have on their own. And hear this– tomatoes are little flavorless acidic bombs. You heard me, acid lovers. I’ll take your Ragu and Pace but I don’t want to see them in their naked forms.

Peanuts and tomatoes, my friend. One in the same. Like bonehead and numbskull. Chump and punk. Moron and dummy. 

Alright little love shacks, go out and spread my message but feel free to also not. I understand. I LOVE YOU. Xo