Drinking Candles

Helllooooo.

I’ve found my weakness in this world. It’s not Cookie Butter, it’s not Cookie Butter Cups (although that’s a close second), BUT my true love and passion in this world: Yankee Candle’s “Sugared Apple.”

Stay with me, babies.

Over the past few months I’ve developed a chronic illness, one in which inhabits my entire body and I must, at all costs, find the most mouth-watering, soul inflaming, expens-I mean exciting new scents given to mankind.

I even wrote a fricken review on the Yankee Candle website declaring my love and admiration. I also wrote one for the Apple Spice (made to smell like an Apple Cider Doughnut) like the little porky I am. Hehe! Snort, snort.

I also had to buy a Patchouli candle because how the hell else am I going to reach nirvana? The Vanilla Chai candle also got strapped into a car seat  on the way home because I imagine that’s what Buddha  and J. Christ would’ve done.

It’s so convenient that they come in jars so once the wax is liquidized you can drink it right from the glass!

Alright, my friends. Enough about candles until next week when Yankee Candle has their Buy 2 Get 2 free and I buy out the whole store and pay a cabana boy to fan me and pour Bay Leaf Wreath and Balsam & Cedar down my throat.

kloveyoubye

Prophetic Dreams

Maybe they aren’t prophetic dreams, but just some Law of Attraction type business going on.

Either way, the other night I had a dream that I was running away from someone who was trying to kill me. I was in a neighborhood trying to hide behind swing-sets and bushes and chairs. I wasn’t me though, I was an older actress who I’ve seen but could not figure out what her name was and what movies she was from.

I woke up irritated because I knew I couldn’t even cite a movie to try and look her up.
I got up, went downstairs and after a little bit I was on my laptop scrolling through Facebook. Late Night with Seth Meyers had posted a video of an interview with Paula Pell, who I think is one of the funniest and under-appreciated comedy writers in the free world. Paula had never down an interview like that with Seth before so I watched it. She talked about an upcoming movie she had written, starring Amy Poehler, Tina Fey, and a few other familiar names. The only name that wasn’t familiar was Dianne Wiest. So, being someone who needs to know everything all the time, I looked her up.

AND IT WAS THE ACTRESS THAT I BECAME IN MY DREAM.

I can’t help but think that in a parallel universe I AM DIANNE WIEST.

What do you think? What does it all mean?

<3Lo

It Didn’t Work Out

I tried and I failed.

Well, maybe I didn’t fail. More of a “hasty withdrawal” is really what happened.

I left a job two months ago because I was moving too far away to keep it and not be paying $300 in gas every week. I had outgrown it anyways, but it was the first time I took a chance and left a job before securing a new one.

I dug into my savings account and moped around on Craigslist’s job boards until I got a call for an interview. I interviewed, I got the job, I started. The first few days were overwhelming, but good. I was tired and happy. But then I started to become a little more tired and a little less happy. And then I was just tired. The company, the people-all great. It was sitting in my cubicle for eight hours that I realized I didn’t care about what I was doing. I saw myself from outside my body, only I was Peter Gibbons and I was a few sleeps away from gutting a fish on my desk.

Call it quarter-life crisis. Call it just seeing more clearly. Either way, I had to get out.

The day I gave my notice, I sat in the parking lot and tried to cry. I felt sick and couldn’t wash away the lump in my throat with any amount of bottled iced tea (and I thought Sweet Leaf iced tea with the nana on the front could cure EVERYTHING).

I took the legal pad I was given on the first day and wrote the most heartfelt resignation letter I have ever written. I’ve broken up with my gym before via letter (per their requirements) and it was much less a Dear John letter than it was an 8th grader dumping her best friend over the fact that the elliptical was always broken (what?).

I folded it and put in my bag and walked into the building. While waiting for the elevator, I found a lucky penny. I went up my office level, got off the elevator, and went straight to the bathroom. I sat on the toilet and looked at my phone for a couple minutes. I should have never come, I should have just not shown up.

The pressure was getting to me. I could tell that if someone was good at reading a stranger’s emotions, they’d look at me, ask if I was okay, and I would immediately crumble.

Thankfully, I went to my manager’s office, closed the door, and sputtered Office Space quotes, fidgeted, and became glassy-eyed. He responded like the nice camp counselor you liked would. I felt relieved, went on with my day. I went to lunch and checked my phone. Maya Angelou had died and my news feed was cluttered with her quotes. My first reaction was to wonder about how Oprah was taking all this. Then I started to think about if this was some sort of weird synchronicity, that I was taking a chance and pretending to be fearless.  I checked my email after reading all the Maya Angelou quotes. Two months ago I had emailed someone about a job. They hadn’t responded, so I let well enough alone and moved on. I now had a sweet email sitting in my inbox offering any help with my job search. Another weird synchronicity. Was everything falling into place or falling apart?

Now, I’m sitting 40 tabs deep into my job search with a calm that didn’t exist the first time around. Still drinking a bottled ice tea, staring at a Reiki charged candle I’ve been saving for two years. You know, for a special occasion. It’s called “Laughter” and comes with a mantra to recite when you light it (as mentioned in the previous post). I lit it today but when I have to think “happy thoughts” I immediately start thinking about the world exploding and massive blood shed. I blew the candle out. Then I worried that if snuffing the candle meant that all those things would come true. I forced some happy thoughts and lit the candle again without the mantra. I think it should be okay.

Anyways, back to the job search, but this time I hope the job comes searching for me. In the mean time, I’ll be visiting Colorado next week with my family, so I hope I have some sort of weird vision-quest type experience so I can figure my shit out.

ciao nanas ❤

Today in the work bathroom I didn’t unzip my pants all the way and when I pulled them down the zipper ripped really loudly like a big loud zipper-fart. I tried to flush the toilet The injustice of it all.

I’ve had this Reiki charged candle,  that I’ve been hanging onto for a year, called “Laughter” and held the lighter with my friend as we lit in and chanted the mantra that came with it. Some real Practical Magic shit as she pointed it out. I need more of that in my life. Not magic, but some happy laughter thoughts. 

Also I’ve watched 8 episodes of Girls in a row because my sense of self is crumbling. 

I just saw a posting for a job as a writer so I’m going to go apply to it because I can’t stand not doing what I love. Wish me luck.

ciao i love you

 

HELLO THERE.

Today begins my first full week at my new job! HOORAY.

I’m currently sleeping on a blow-up mattress in the apartment BUT I’m getting a brand new mattress on SATURDAY.  ALSO HOORAY. The blow-up mattress isn’t too bad but I’ll take a knife to it if it means I can get my new mattress quicker.

Speaking of news changes, we also got a new TV package. Instead of a ton of  channels now we only get E! and HBO. At my previous job, I listened to a lot of WTF with Marc Maron in my down time. I loved the episode with Mike White and his show Enlightened that ran for two seasons. After having a psychological episode some years ago, I fucking love Enlightened and has been a crutch for me in this time of change. Along with Game of Thrones. And David Lynch movies. And talking about the X-Files. And eating pretzel m&m’s on my couch.

I think change is great but it can be overwhelming when you’re learning a lot of new things. I have to remind myself to be in the moment as opposed to worrying about what may or may not happen in the next. Like possibly saying the wrong thing and then the building explodes. Or me not entering in something correctly and having to jump through the plate glass window and run away. I guess if that happens that just means I wasn’t suited for the job and the job wasn’t suited for me, right?  *pushes down TNT plunger detonator* I had to look up what a plunger detonator was because I wasn’t sure what it was called. I’ve added a picture for you. Image

Well kids, only 4 more days left until my new mattress comes the holiday weekend!

ciao my dolph lundgrens!

Moving

I’m moving!

HOORAY.

But you already knew that because you read everyone single update I make and had it marked on your calendars just like me. You’re so thoughtful.

I’m starting my new job on Wednesday and I’m nervous and excited but mostly nervous wondering if they have a fridge I can keep my lunch in.

This week was also the Women in Comedy Festival in Boston! I didn’t get to go to any of the shows but I did get to go to a workshop which was great and it was nice talking to other comedians and writers. Turns out we have a lot of the same irrational fears about not posting enough on Twitter.

I also cut all my hair off! I was getting anxious about it always hanging down my back, that if I didn’t cut it soon I would end up taking matters into my own hands and giving myself a whiffle. Things didn’t get that extreme but maybe someday.

Anyways, here’s to trying to back 20 years of living in the same place into a suitcase that can only hold 35lbs.

ciao gringos

❤ Lo

 

There’s Something About Barry

Well, hello there.

Today is Winkel Wednesday, but I thought I’d share a very, very, very, rough first draft of a sketch I wrote. 

This is my second time around taking the Second City sketch writing course, so the stuff that comes out is usually unfinished and following a specific set of guidelines. Most of the time the sketches aren’t even funny but it’s about the process and building a foundation to lay the funnies on. So here it is!

Mr. Winkel will be making an appearance later tonight. Tehe.

 

                                       1.

There’s Something About Barry

1/31/14 (Draft #1)

 

CAST

Barry- late 30’s

Paul –late 30’s

 

                               (Paul’s living room.)

BARRY

There ya’ go, Paul. TV’s all set. Good as new, and that’s the Good as New TV Repair Service guarantee.

(Puts tools back in tool bag.)

PAUL

Thanks again, Barry. Picture looks great. Good to see you again too.

(Shakes Barry’s hand, goes to show him door.)

BARRY

My pleasure! Gosh, What a great screen, picture’s crystal clear.

PAUL

(Nervous chuckle) Yeah! Thanks, we really enjoy it. So, let me show you the do-

BARRY

Ah, would ya’ look at that, the game just started! 

(Sets tools bag down.)

PAUL

Oh right, it’s about that time. (Checks watch.) I almost forgot, good thing I called you guys when I did.

 

2.

BARRY

Yeah, perfect! Almost like a dee-vine intervention, as those hocus pocus, voodoo, witch-card readers would say.

PAUL

(Trying to be pleasant.) Uhh…yeah, I guess. Well, I don’t want to hold you up.

BARRY

Now, don’t be crazy, Paul! You aren’t holding me up one bit. (Plops down on Paul’s recliner, puts footrest up). Like I said, it’s like the dee-vine intervention. You don’t want to mess with that.

PAUL

Gee, Barry, I wasn’t even going to watch-

BARRY

(Cuts Paul off mid-sentence, a little angrier.) LIKE I SAID PAUL. YOU DON’T MESS WITH THAT.

PAUL

(Firmly.) Listen, Barry, now I’m not going to ask you again.

BARRY

(Grabs remote and points at PAUL) KALAMAZOO!

PAUL

(Looking stunned, opens up his mouth, recording of famous pop song comes out instead of words.) R-E-S-P-E-C-T FIND OUT WHAT IT MEANS TO ME.

BARRY

Paul, I didn’t know you have the Music Choice Premium Package!

PAUL

(Horrified, Paul tries to scream.) SOCK-IT-TO-ME, SOCK-IT-TO-ME!

 

3.

BARRY

Hehe. Gosh, what a classic. (Lowers volume on Paul, continues watching came with a smug smile).

(FADEOUT.)

Dream Job

Hey my little Pikachus!

It’s Day 23 of the Blog Challenge.

The question: What is your dream job?

I don’t know that I necessarily have a dream job, as I do a dream career.

If you can dream it, you can do it. Right kids?

Anyhoo, I’d like the be a professional stand-up comedian. I also want to write for comedy shows, whether being Late Night, or a sitcom, or a sketch show, or a movie. I’d also like to publish a collection of personal essays I have.

I don’t think I understand how a person functions without comedy. It’s all I really want to do and mostly what I think about. I’m also a freak.

Well, I really want ice cream, so I’m going to cut this short.

ALSO. This is my 125th blog post.  I think that may be some sort of milestone. *throws glitter in your eyes*

Until next time, my darling crab rangoons!

The Best Thing to Happen This Year

Hey childrens!

I think summer is unofficially over. Now I have more time to love and caress you with my words and feelings.

Today is Day 22 of the Blog Challenge, which I’m pretty sure I started in May, but I forewarned you of my lack of focus, so really this is all your fault. Shame on you.

But today’s prompt is: “What is the best thing to happen to you this year?”

There are only a few months left in 2013, so I’m sure some super great things are going to rain down upon me as soon as I publish this post. But for today, the best thing to happen this year….

Is stand-up!

Are you surprised?

No?

Alright fine.

I’ve had a lot of fantastic experiences of all kinds this summer.I won tickets to a Scotty McCreery concert and tickets to Huey Lewis and the News. I got to see Brian Regan and Bill Burr (and meet him!). I got to go to the Eugene Mirman Comedy Festival and see two of my favorite comedians, Jon Benjamin and Bobcat Goldthwait.  I met a lot of new people within the Boston comedy circuit, who are incredible people as well as comedians (not always mutually exclusive, but sometimes.)

BUT the best thing that happened to me this year was taking classes and doing the Student Showcase. It was the best set I’ve had and I got to perform for family and friends. I’ve done open mics, some went okay, some well, and some just fucking sucked. Pardon my French, but if you were there, you’d be fluent too.

It’s hard because you can have a shit set and everyone hates you. Inside you’ll be crying “No, I’m not this terrible! I’m a lovely person and my sense of humor is pretty sharp! That was just terrible because I didn’t practice, and I was nervous, and I’m still learning, but I’m trying, please love me!”

The classes and the Showcase were incredible, but the pathway they opened is even greater.

Is it getting weepy in here?

Anyways, before I starting rubbing the computer all over my body, I think I’m going to grab a Coke and go lay on the floor somewhere. This has been my first full day off, with no commitments, in 3 months. I can’t tell you how excited I am to catch up on the X-Files (I’m 20 years late, I know), and Breaking Bad (I’m 20 days late, I know).

Well my midnight drearies, until next time!

SHOWCASE! And Other Emotions.

Hey kittens!

I’m pretty sure it’s only been two days but it’s felt like an eternity since we last looked longingly into our computer screens at one another’s words and stuff.

Fitting, as George Michael’s “Kissing a Fool” is playing in the background. *kisses screen* Is this weird? Shh, I don’t care. Turn down that backlight while I slip into something more comfortable. *sets up gel wrist cushions to prevent tendonitis*.

Anyways, I’ve been really sick the past few days. There’s a Steve Martin quote from his book “Born Standing Up” that talks about how before preforming an important show the nerves you get as a performer can fight off weight gain and illness, yet 24 hours after you’ve finished the show, you succumb to complete exhaustion and flu-like symptoms.

I’m flu-like symptoms. Hold me. Brush my hair. Tell me I look fine with braces.

But look, I kept my promise! I attached a picture of my gems and footwear that I wore at my showcase.

Why yes, those are RingPop shoes with a a bejeweled RingPop necklace.

Apparently the gummy bear knuckle ring was sparkling so brightly that 3 people in the audience were blinded. There might be a class action suit against me but I don’t really know because I make things up.

Being in the green room was fun. Although I sounded like a clydesdale hoofing it up and down the stairs in the RingPop shoes. There was a lot of excited and nervous energy, but I started getting distracted and I could tell the order of my jokes was running away  down the street to the restaurant I knew I’d be eating at after. I had to stand in a corner and face the wall and shout my jokes at the water heater to make sure they didn’t order a salad over the French onion soup. I ended up getting both later, but that’s besides the point.

The theme of my set was babies. Terrible, terrible babies. I felt a little cliche being a ladygirl and talking about all those darn babies that ruin her life. I have better premises, but there are some that I want to spend more time on because they are like my children (not babies though, gross) and I want to nurture them with PopTarts and watch them grow.

But I did well! Minus blanking when I got up on stage! But that’s okay, because my dress had pockets that I nervously shoved my set list in, along with some granola bar crumbs and a straw wrapper.

I changed a lot of my jokes last minute because I wasn’t feeling 100% behind my material (Even though I had 2 months to prepare. I get a sick pleasure out of torturing myself by doing things last minute. And by last minute I mean changing jokes while I’m pacing in the hall waiting to go on.)

I also didn’t tighten the mic stand because I have marshmallow arms. It started to slowly get lower and lower, so I looked like a troglodyte hunching over the big noise boom stick.

But yay!

This was something I always wanted to do, and the only thing I’ve really cared about consistently. I can play about one and a half songs on every instrument known to creation. I’m decent at roller derby. I can brush my cat really well so she doesn’t get hair balls. But stand-up is my favorite thing and has been since elementary school. In my head I have a reputation of being the crazy girl who shows up to everybody’s comedy shows (famous or local) and has a big goofy smile and eyeballs popping out of her face. I’m not crazy just so excited it that it looks crazy. “My Heart Will Go On” just came on the radio. I think that’s a sign that shows my intentions are as pure as a sweaty palm print in a Renault Type CB Coupe de Ville.

Yoouuuu’re heerrre…therreee’s NOOOOTHIN’ I FEEAAR.

Oh shit, my favorite song (“Wanna Be Startin’ Somethin’) came on after that. This the best day ever. Dance children, DANCE.

Alright, maybe there is a tinge of whacka-doo, but those are great songs and you know it.

Have a great night, and until next time my little PopSharts!

Image