DO I HAVE VERITGO?

Hellooooo, Helloooo…

Hola!

I’m at a place called Vertigggoooo*.

(*I did not know that was the line and have been singing it wrong since 2004. Frankly, I also have no idea what the song is about.)

The past few months I’ve been getting what feels like seasickness. The past few weeks have been the worst and I don’t know what kind of ailment I’m potentially suffering from… Allergies? Inner ear problem? Too much salt and/or sugar? Maybe I shouldn’t have had garlic bread for dinner five days in a row. Maybe I’ve been meditating too much and I’ve astral projected right out of my body and don’t even know it.

I DON’T KNOW.

There is a thing called “Ascension” that means when you start to shift to a higher state of consciousness and vibration/frequency, your body starts to change and rid itself of old energy it’s been hanging onto. Do I sound crazy? Heck yes I do! At least it sounds more interesting than boobooboo my ears are blocked boobooboo. I’m also not going to self-medicate with cayenne pepper and maple syrup, so don’t worry.

Anyways, Easter is almost here and I saw a video about dumping rice into a sock and squishing it around until it looks like a bunny. If that isn’t god’s gift to earth, I don’t know what is.

okay I am tired and dizzy and wish I had french bread pizza. I LOVE YOU BYE.

 

 

Why The Pizza Diet Really Works

Hey kids!

Like pizza? Yes? Then I have some great news for you.

There is one diet that you can be sure will have a profound effect on your body : THE PIZZA DIET.

200Breakfast, lunch and dinner. Pizza is there to nourish your body. I have compiled a list of the top 5 benefits of the pizza diet, JUST FOR YOU.

1) GREASE! Grease is GREAT for cleaning your body out. Eat a piece of greasy pizza before you eat a hamburger and that baby will slide clean through. Your colon will be VERY happy.

2) CHEESE, YAY! The wonders of dairy. It makes your bones super strong. SO strong that you can lift the pizza truck up and toss it into the river when all the pizza is gone.

3) MMM Sauce OR NO SAUCE. Pizzas these days don’t even NEED sauce to be pizzas. You can just dump your dairy dream cheese on some bread and pop it in the oven for I don’t know how the fuck long and then BOOM, PIZZA PARTY!

4) Oh yeah, PIZZA PARTY! I’ve never lost more weight and gained more muscle than when at a pizza party. Your calf muscles will be jacked from jumping up and down with joy. You’ll also be waving your hands high in the air, trying to flag down the pizza guy or gal. Those trapz are going to be so tight you won’t even be able to lift your arms up ever again.

5) Can’t Lift Your Arms Ever Again. If you properly pizza partied, then you won’t be able to move your arms EVER AGAIN! Although that means no more pizza (sad) that also means you can’t lift anything else to your face and you’ll die from malnutrition. The upside? You’ll look great and the last thing you’ll have eaten was pizza! There is clearly no downside!

aaaaaaWELL, there you have it. I gotta go, my doorbell is ringing, I wonder who it could be.

Do you have a super great diet like the one above? How do you nurture a healthy lifestyle like the aforementioned? Tell me in the comments!

BYE I LOVE YOU KISS YOU PIZZA GOODNIGHT FOR ME.

Do Not Microwave Your Dirty Sponge or You Will be a Sad Person

Are you a sad person? Is it because you microwaved your sponge?

I know most of you cried out with  resounding “YES!” to both those questions, so I’ll just cut to the chase.

If for by some reason you answered “no” to the second question, which I know is highly unlikely, then I’m going to dispense some Baz Luhrmann advice on you. Also, Luhrmann autocorrected when I spelt it wrong and that frightens and delights me. Anyways, DO NOT MICROWAVE YOUR SPONGE. But yes, wear sunscreen.

seal

If this seal can do it, then you can do it too!

After seeing a post about cleaning your kitchen, I read some of the tips listed–one of which was “microwave your sponge to kill bacteria!” Good idea in theory BUT what is not mentioned is the fact that although the germs may be dead, they also die a fucking wretched, butt-smelling death. You know when your sponge has worn down and it has gross dirty dishwater smell? Yeah, it’s like that but only HOT and like someone wiped the sponge up their asshole.

giphy

Here we are in the Pit of Eternal Stench.

Don’t do it, unless your into a buttonhole smelling sponge thing. I’m sure there’s a section of the internet that caters to that. So, I bet you are looking for a solution now that I’ve busted that myth? Well, I don’t have one because I’ve lost all sense of smell after that experiment and won’t be able to conduct any further tests. Please send clean sponges in lieu of flowers.

Have you ever tried a dumb hack and found out that it was really dumb? Tell me in the comments so I can avoid doing those dumb things! I should show you my cream cheese Oreo truffles I tried to make. They were as gross as that sounds.

Okay! I love you! Go buy some nice fresh sponges and don’t stick them up your butt unless they are the feminine sponges but then again those don’t go up your butt either OKAY BYE DON’T BE A SAD PERSON!