Weed, Brah.

For a short period of time, a few years back, I used to smoke weed and chomp on edibles. As one would expect, I was reminded of that time today when every social media outlet I follow blew up with 4/20 mentions. Despite being a short-lived period, the memories from that time are some of the funniest and most vivid moments  I still think about. Let’s reminisce on the more outrageous ones, shall we?

  • I used to ride my bike in my college town all the time. After one particular evening of smoking, I rode my bike to a 7-11 and bought a bag of powdered Donettes and ate the whole bag in three minutes. I dropped one on the ground in the sandy parking lot. I picked it up, pulled a screw out of it and ate it any way.

 

  • Avoid getting “too high” at all costs. It’s horrible and you feel like you’re dying. With that being said, I was on day two of coming down from a high and had to go to my ceramics class. The radio was on and I was at the wheel in demonstrating Demi Moore realness and was making a massacre of the vase I was attempting to form. The 30-something-year-old ceramics teacher sat behind me (with permission, as he did with all the students) to help me figure out the finger work. Once he sat down behind me and the wheel was on, we started forming a vase. Then I fucking kid you not, “Unchained Melody” from the Righteous Brothers came on over the radio. We both immediately stiffened up in true UH OH form. Trying to take the awkward tension out of our Ghost recreation project, he said, “well this is fitting.” I hit the speed pedal on my wheel and the vase shot off into oblivious nearly taking the head off one of my classmates.

 

  • My favorite story starts off with me drooling in the back seat of my friend’s car and listening to the Sound of Silence on the way to the movie theatre. That should’ve been a big Blue’s Clues pawprint right on my face as evidence that I should’ve stayed home. Thor just came out so we headed over for the late show. The theatre was huge with multiple levels but I had zero problems finding the sole Ben & Jerry’s stand and having a forty-seven thousand calorie jumbo frappe made from three different ice cream flavors before the movie started. I remember being extremely tired after dosing my innards with cookie dough products but I remember the effects were crazy and Loki screaming “TELL ME!” The next day at lunch we all talked about the movie and I mentioned how glad I was we saw it in 3D and that it really added a cool layer to the movie. After a beat of silence and looks from everyone, one of my friends said, “We didn’t see it in 3D.” Stunned and convinced they must be trying to fool me, I mentioned that we wore the 3D glasses and everything, to which I was met with the reply, “Lauren, those weren’t 3D glasses, you were just wearing your sunglasses during the entire movie.”

 

Have any dumbo stories of your youth or even your adulthood?

TELL ME!

143xosmoochbye

 

 

 

Fake Face, Day 30

Hey Kling-dongs. 

That’s my new brand of plastic wrap with cartoon dicks all over it. To be used to cover the left over deviled eggs at your bachelorette party. 

Do people like deviled eggs? They seem like a staple at family parties. You see them arrive in their special little caddy but you never actually see people eating them. BUT, the mystery–there are never any left over because Uncle Marty throws his hands in the air and goes “awww who ate all the deviled eggs?!” and everyone laughs, except for Aunt Edy because she and Uncle Marty had a falling out years ago, in which Marty forgot about, but Edy still shoots stingy remarks about Marty under her breath to any female relative in near proximity. No one likes Edy, she should just let it go. 

But I digress. 

DAY 30.

BLOG CHALLENGE.

QUESTION: What’s in your makeup bag? (revs blow torch, lowers mask)

As a person who dumps more money into Sephora than should be legally allowed, you’d think I’d be able to talk about all the super great things I have in my 5 different makeup bags that turn me from 8 year-old boy to 40-something drag superstar. But alas, I’m still trying to pull off  the “She’s All That” look before she actually turns “All That.”

So why do you need 3 different gold eyeliners for all those New Year’s parties you’re not going to? BECAUSE.

What about this $50 smokey eye palette? I NEEDED it and Pinterest gave me a vague idea of how to use it, so leave me alone I just want to rock the two black eyes that gorilla gave me when he punched me at the zoo. 

I enjoy makeup, but anything above “you don’t look completely dead” makes me feel like a clown. Everything in moderation. Except for things with sugar in them. You can have extra of that. 

Anyways, new topic, I have half an episode left of the X-Files and the last movie before that chapter of my life comes to a close. It’s bittersweet because X-Files was a crutch for me, BUT I mentioned that I would be starting some new (relative term) shows like Twin Peaks, The Sopranos, The Wire, etc. AND GUESS WHAT? I got a request from a lo-lite (my nickname for anyone who has ever enjoyed any of my humor in any capacity) to live-tweet my thoughts on Twin Peaks. The idea that anyone would want my opinion or reaction to anything is extraordinarily flattering. SO THANK YOU!

ONE MORE DAY LEFT OF THE BLOG CHALLENGE! 

Lolo signing off.

Until next time, my Quispy Queens.

Probably Not the Right Question

Hey kids!

DAY 27!

The question (that might not really be the right question but just go with it) is:

What’s your favorite recipe?

I don’t cook too much for myself because I end up eating all the ingredients before mashing them together.

BUT I am a master at the English muffin pizza.

***

Ingredients:

English muffins

Pasta sauce

Mozzarelle cheese

Love

***

The love is very important.

Now, you may think that this recipe needs no explanation, but let me tell you, the first step is critical.

Always slightly toast the English muffin first.

Trust me, if you don’t you’ll ruin everyone’s night including your own.

But yes, slightly toast, assemble sauce and cheese however you want, toast again to crisp perfection.

And there you have it! A meal sure to impress any suitor or potential lover.

I just made my own, so cheers.

Until next time, my meat sauce extravaganzas!

Not Dead Still

Hey crapples!

Today’s kewschun is brought to you by the letter B for Book. 

“What’s your favorite childhood book?”

This one’s a doozy. I have a lot of favorite children’s books, but my favorite childhood book is different. 

Well, books. Because childhood was kind of long, amiright?

My first pick, is from the earlier childhood years:

Lilly’s Purple Plastic Purse, By Kevin Henkes.

Image

 

There are other books that take place in Lilly’s world, but I’ve only read this one. I love the illustrations, and now thinking about it, I guess I connected with Lilly because she was a freak like me. A nice, shy, freak who has a great fashion sense and secretly craves the spotlight until she gets any attention.

It’s adorable, read it now, go bye.

***

The second book comes in the later years of childhood. This was the first book I read several times for enjoyment. Chunky, twelve-year-old me was really into TV and Hotpockets, so that was a milestone.

Otherwise Known as Sheila the Great, by Judy Blume.

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I had always loved the Superfudge books, and I don’t know why I picked up this one up because I always thought Sheila was a friggen bitch. I ended up reading it and realized I was wrong. WAY TO JUDGE A CHARACTER WITHOUT REALLY KNOWING HER, LOLO, YA BIG JERK. Lesson learned. 

***

There you have it. Next the next post’s question we will be exploring my 5 favorite blogs. I don’t have 5 favorite blogs so things might get a little hairy.

But until next time, my little salt lickers!

Dream Job

Hey my little Pikachus!

It’s Day 23 of the Blog Challenge.

The question: What is your dream job?

I don’t know that I necessarily have a dream job, as I do a dream career.

If you can dream it, you can do it. Right kids?

Anyhoo, I’d like the be a professional stand-up comedian. I also want to write for comedy shows, whether being Late Night, or a sitcom, or a sketch show, or a movie. I’d also like to publish a collection of personal essays I have.

I don’t think I understand how a person functions without comedy. It’s all I really want to do and mostly what I think about. I’m also a freak.

Well, I really want ice cream, so I’m going to cut this short.

ALSO. This is my 125th blog post.  I think that may be some sort of milestone. *throws glitter in your eyes*

Until next time, my darling crab rangoons!