Gym Mouse

Hi PingPongs,

I haven’t been to the gym in two weeks and I feel like blob. I work in extremes, so when I’m not at the gym, I’m ripping my cabinets apart looking for a stale granola bar or a dry piece of pasta to gnaw on. As I mentioned previously, my roommate and I spent about $75 on ice cream in the past week and a half. This is after a three week stint of working out every day and drinking lots of juice that claims to be healthy but is more or less rotting my teeth out of my face.

Speaking of rotting teeth, I also found out I love the Snickers Squared Peanut Butter bars. I didn’t even know I liked Snickers. I blame the Easter Bunny. Any kind of chocolate that comes in an egg shape tastes 300x better than in its regular form. I’m sure there’s studies on this somewhere.

I’m not particularly fond of the new trend of drinking only liquids and working out four hours a day until your body is completely chiseled. I think I would be suited better for the 80s or 90s where my zero percent muscle tone was appreciated, even revered. I do feel gross when I don’t move around much though. My head gets foggy and I’m convinced my dyslexia triples in severity. Speaking is hard enough but when I’m sluggish and unfocused, I might as well just hang a little chalk board around my neck like the swan from The Trumpet of the Swan. Maybe I could just get a trumpet and do morse code with it. Again, extremes.

Even though my gym is in the same parking lot as my work, by the time 5pm rolls around I’m ready to go home and toss myself across my bed. I keep telling myself that I’ll get up early and go to the gym before work, but then I start thinking about how tired I might get throughout the day if I go too early. Then I don’t go after work because I figure I’ll go home and go to sleep to wake up early to go to the gym and it just goes on and on and long story short I should probably cancel my membership. They DO have TVs with basic cable and they have towel service so I’m essentially paying them to do laundry while I watch TV.

We’ll see what happens tomorrow. Maybe I’ll go and meet a hunk and he’ll carry me out to my car and buy me Snickers OR maybe the gym’s security personnel will escort me out and tell me to stop submitting requests for a new vending machine and also stealing the towels.

I don’t steal the towels but if they ever cross me, I KNOW I COULD.

Okay, I love you. smoochsmooch xox

FEET

I finally finished Six Feet Under and now I’m depressed.

I don’t know where to go from here. I finished the X-Files, Twin Peaks, The Sopranos, and now I’m just sitting here just me and my acid reflux gurgling at the blank TV screen. I started the L Word but I think I accidentally ruined the series for myself by, you know, being on the internet. WAH. I’ve watched a few True Detective episodes but they fricken mumble everything so I have to watch it on full volume with the closed captioning on. I’m also caught up on the Walking Dead.

If you have any suggestions for my next big adventure, please LET ME KNOW.

In other news, I got a pH strip put under my tongue and it nearly disintegrated in my mouth. With a diet of coffee and onion bagels, I can’t imagine why. I’m told if I eat more “vegetables” than it would even out. I might just eat more pH strips and see what happens.

In other, other news, I finally got into my alma maters literary journal. I think it might have been a pity publish but I’ll take it. I’ll link it once it comes out officially. You could totally buy a hard copy too and have it as a treasure forever and think about me and kiss it and stroke its spine.

Okay, I’m tired, I’ve been sitting in the same spot for 4 hours.

K LOVE YOU BYE TOOT TOOT!

Am I a Forty-Four Year Old Woman?

I’ve compiled a list of things I do/have done/think that have lead me to believe that I am really a middle-aged woman. 

1) Subscribing to a wellness magazine.

2) That wellness magazine is Oprah’s “O” Magazine.

3) Enjoying a nice Julia Roberts film on a week night.

4) Started calling TV shows “programs”. Hey, have you ever seen that Everybody Love Raymond program?

5) Loud noises, please stop. Turn down the TV. Turn the radio off. SHUT UP.

6) I’ve spent  half my paycheck on various scents and sizes at The Yankee Candle Factory.

7) I keep a pack of Sucrets stashed in my car. And my purse. And my bra.

8) Gloria Estefan, amiright?

9) “I just think dressing conservatively is more tasteful.” -A statement I’ve made.

10) 8 o’clock bedtime! Let me just finish my glass of Turning Leaf!

Amen xoxox.

Dream Job

Hey my little Pikachus!

It’s Day 23 of the Blog Challenge.

The question: What is your dream job?

I don’t know that I necessarily have a dream job, as I do a dream career.

If you can dream it, you can do it. Right kids?

Anyhoo, I’d like the be a professional stand-up comedian. I also want to write for comedy shows, whether being Late Night, or a sitcom, or a sketch show, or a movie. I’d also like to publish a collection of personal essays I have.

I don’t think I understand how a person functions without comedy. It’s all I really want to do and mostly what I think about. I’m also a freak.

Well, I really want ice cream, so I’m going to cut this short.

ALSO. This is my 125th blog post.  I think that may be some sort of milestone. *throws glitter in your eyes*

Until next time, my darling crab rangoons!

Blog Challenge: Day 1

Yay Inner-nets!

Finally found a spot where I can get internet to talk to you precious babies.

I wanted to do that blog challenge. So DAY ONE.

A recent photo and introduction.

I don’t take pictures of myself often, but I did take this one to show off my super great new shoes. I’ll attach a picture of them too.

I’ll give you the basics for an introduction. I’m a lady. I’m 23. I like to wear a lot of oddball things (like the shoes). One of my reasons for living is to watch the X-Files. I have a passion for stand-up comedy and would watch or do it every single day for forever.

I don’t want to give TOO much away in case I need to say something fun and interesting for a future blog challenge post.

Okay, time for Mulder and dinner.

Until next time my sweet pickle dicks!

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Don’t Worry, I’m Alive

Yay!

I am, it’s true.

But I’ve been without internet for the last few days.

You’d think I’d have used that time to come up with super great and entertaining posts.

But I haven’t.

I’ve really just been worried about my Springfield in The Simpsons: Tapped Out. I haven’t been able to care and love my little Springfield babies.

I also haven’t been able to watch the X-Files.

It’s been really hard you guys.

Crystals and Toe-Sucking

Hey guys, I might be a witch.

Lately I’ve been reading up on crystals and gemstones and their benefits. I have a piece of citrine, an emerald, and a little lapis lazuli (any Gilgamesh fans?).

I carry them around as lucky charms but I also read that keeping certain ones under your pillow will help you have happier dreams when you sleep.

WELL my friends, I did not put my crystals under my pillow last night and I had some pretty fucked up dreams. One of them included sucking the toes (which nails were painted blackish-purple) of a kid I used to like a few years back. There was lots of drag queens, Goldfish crackers, rainbow escalators, and a nighttime pool party.

It sounds traumatizing but I woke up laughing so I’m hoping I haven’t completely become unhinged. Although, I’m not sure if laughing means I am crazy or just understanding of the absurdity.

Judging by the titles of my last few posts, I guess it might be the former.

In other news, I am seeing a psychic this weekend!

It was either that or a therapist and the psychic was cheaper.

And they are usually better at telling people what to do.

Me make a decision for myself? Puh! Unless it’s food or clothing, I’ll take all the advice I can get.

Or this blog. This thing is stream of consciousness. I pick a topic and wipe my ass with it and see how you darling pooptarts like it.

I’m not going to put the crystals under my pillow again tonight and see if anything else kooky happens.

Until next time my Scruvy Fully Bloateds!