FEET

I finally finished Six Feet Under and now I’m depressed.

I don’t know where to go from here. I finished the X-Files, Twin Peaks, The Sopranos, and now I’m just sitting here just me and my acid reflux gurgling at the blank TV screen. I started the L Word but I think I accidentally ruined the series for myself by, you know, being on the internet. WAH. I’ve watched a few True Detective episodes but they fricken mumble everything so I have to watch it on full volume with the closed captioning on. I’m also caught up on the Walking Dead.

If you have any suggestions for my next big adventure, please LET ME KNOW.

In other news, I got a pH strip put under my tongue and it nearly disintegrated in my mouth. With a diet of coffee and onion bagels, I can’t imagine why. I’m told if I eat more “vegetables” than it would even out. I might just eat more pH strips and see what happens.

In other, other news, I finally got into my alma maters literary journal. I think it might have been a pity publish but I’ll take it. I’ll link it once it comes out officially. You could totally buy a hard copy too and have it as a treasure forever and think about me and kiss it and stroke its spine.

Okay, I’m tired, I’ve been sitting in the same spot for 4 hours.

K LOVE YOU BYE TOOT TOOT!

I Guess I Should Talk About My Resolutions

It’s that time of year again where we all puff out our waxed and buffed chests and scribble our noble resolutions in cherry scented Mr. Sketch markers for everyone to see and sniff! Amiright?

Last year I only made one resolution, which was to say “yes” to more opportunities… even if I wasn’t 100% on going/doing/whatevering them. It worked out pretty well, aside from me saying “yes” to a Nordstrom Credit Card and “yes” to the $300 Classique Entier jacket and “yes” to the cashier when she asked if I wanted to use my Triple Points.

Buuuuuut I also said “yes” to my lovely new car and “yes” to quitting my unfulfilling job and “yes” to moving out of my childhood home and “yes” renting my first apartment.

                                     Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. yes.

I have no recollection of 2013. I think it was a year of stillness: Going to a mind numbing job everyday, coming home and sitting on my couch for the rest of the night, and growing unhealthier in mind, body, and spirit by the second. 2014 was the year of watching The X-Files and Twin Peaks and The Sopranos. A lot of healing through binge watching television shows. In 2014 I also stopped being completely sedentary and upgraded to walking to the garbage can to throw  my chocolate wrappers away instead of leaving them all over my chest for my mother to brush off. Thanks Ma!

Play that chocolate like a harmonica, baby.

For 2015 I think it’s time to be a more proactive and forthright with my writing goals and getting more pieces published. I know what I want and what I can achieve but I just don’t apply the effort. I’m still not done with The Sopranos and I just started Six Feet Under, so I might have to take a HBO On Demand hiatus and work on my shit instead of the other way around. I wonder if I’m either the antithesis or the prime example of a young, anxious writer. I psych myself out of writing on certain topics because I think “why would anyone want to read this?” Meanwhile, I’m on the most butthole boring websites until 2AM, reading anything I can.

    Here I am enjoying my morning coffee after 3 hours of sleep.

I also think I’ll be giving more. I never really understood how much I was supported until I moved out of my house. I can work myself up in a tizzy worrying about protecting my money, while completely ignoring the fact that just like most things, there’s an ebb and flow. You have to be willing to release to receive.

Also, I’ll be proofreading my posts before I submit them. HOORAY!

SO, my pretty little babies…What are your resolutions, goals, and/or dreams for 2015? I WANNA KNOW!

Okay, love you forever remember not to stick your hand down the disposal!

Are You Difficult?

I think I’m difficult. Not a highly attractive quality but I do as Agent Dale Cooper does and I give myself a gift EVERYDAY. Sometimes I give myself MULTIPLE gifts. Coffee. Ice Cream. Lots of TV shows. Magazines. The part that makes me “difficult” is that I ask or get myself what I want. But am I difficult or am I LEANING IN to get the extra piece of pie before anyone else gets it? (That’s what “leaning in” is, right? For food? You gotta lean in for food.)

In what ways are you difficult? Would you call yourself an obsessive personality?

I ask the second part because sometimes my obsessive trait stomps on the little fingers of my difficult trait. I want 400 of the same flannel and I’m going to leave the family party until I get them. Once I do, I will return to the family party but not until my thirst for flannel (or whatever) is quenched.

Have you ever made the mistake of wanting something and letting it go but then realizing you’ve made a grave mistake and can no longer reverse your decision? I try to avoid those moments. Not ALL of them or else this would be a blog about hoarding. ALSO this is not entirely on material items. I get the same way with writing. If I feel I haven’t been creative or let the tension of wanting to write something out, I get a big ball of stress in my chest until I make something of it. Hence this blog where I can dump my crap and humor onto you beloveds.

From a higher sense, maybe it stems from a portion of myself not being fulfilled. That’s when the minor inconveniences start screeching for my attention.

The radio has a commercial. The TV is slightly too loud. The lighting is too dim. Someone is talking to me about the weather.

JUST SHUT UP EVERYONE/THING/APPLIANCE.

Does this affect anyone else or am I just a giant asshole? I’m curious as to what minor inconveniences irritate you.

Okay I love you enjoy the bonfire of my heart.

Fire Walk with Me : A Reflection

I watched the movie Twin Peaks: Fire Walk with Me. If you don’t know, it’s the prequel to the television series, complete with 110% more screaming, nudity, F-bombs. Even a little evil, incestuous, possession sex. Which is the best kind, of course. But when in Rome…do as much as you can given that you couldn’t do it before on a television platform.

I both loved it and was disappointed by it. BUT the only reason I was disappointed is because they cut the scene that showed me and Agent Dale Cooper making love. That and Agent Desmond disappears forever. Just when I was getting used to NOT seeing my beloved Dale. I know that I’m watching a David Lynch film, why the fuck should I have resolution? Well because I’m a woman with needs. Needs for knowing the whereabouts of Special Agents. Is Desmond at the Black Lodge?! Or was he like “I’m going to GTFO that lady is yelling about her hot water and I don’t need this small town shit.” I just don’t know.

I also demand more Gordon Cole airtime. I fell in love with David Lynch’s  humor while watching Twin Peaks, but then Gordon Cole came on the screen and I knew me, Cooper, and Cole were meant to be in a love triangle.

Anyways, I have to go search the internet for information on the blue rose.

If you haven’t seen Twin Peaks, I suggest you open up your laptop or turn on your Roku and bring up Netflix because you really should not be wasting ANY more time not watching it.

Kloveyoubye
– Lolo Von TwinPeaksloversteinbergLynchfan

Again, Not Dead

Hey you crazy crackerjacks! 

Again, another post to PROVE once and for all I’m not dead. Just busy. 

And by busy I mean I went to Beyonce’s concert last week and have been trying to make up a unique dance routine to each of her songs ever since. Specifically her song “Superpower” though.  Here’s a slowed down version of it that I roll around to. –> http://youtu.be/X3WdJSZl9wM <– I’ve listened to it 3 times already trying to type this. 

Christmas was also a thing that happened. Santa brought me a YELLOW Keurig. It is now my beloved. 

I finished the X-Files, I finished Twin Peaks, and now I’m onto The Wire. I don’t even want to talk about Twin Peaks because it broke my goddamn heart. MY. GOD. DANG. HEART. I love you Agent Dale Cooper now and forever.

I signed up for more Second City classes via the internet because I’ve been getting irritated with myself that I spend all this time watching stuff and not writing. I have my Twitter which takes the edge off when I have a joke flying around my head but it’s becoming my virtual dumping ground. Like a pseudo-accomplishment. Tony Robbins says I need to raise my standards and I believe him because he has a Hulk Hogan voice.

Tomorrow is New Year’s Eve, SO don’t drink and drive and be THAT guy/girl/merman/dog barf and ruin everyone’s night/life. 

Agreed? AGREED. BUTTCHEEKS on three! OneTwoThree BUTTCHEEKS! 

Until next time my slap happies!

 

Fake Face, Day 30

Hey Kling-dongs. 

That’s my new brand of plastic wrap with cartoon dicks all over it. To be used to cover the left over deviled eggs at your bachelorette party. 

Do people like deviled eggs? They seem like a staple at family parties. You see them arrive in their special little caddy but you never actually see people eating them. BUT, the mystery–there are never any left over because Uncle Marty throws his hands in the air and goes “awww who ate all the deviled eggs?!” and everyone laughs, except for Aunt Edy because she and Uncle Marty had a falling out years ago, in which Marty forgot about, but Edy still shoots stingy remarks about Marty under her breath to any female relative in near proximity. No one likes Edy, she should just let it go. 

But I digress. 

DAY 30.

BLOG CHALLENGE.

QUESTION: What’s in your makeup bag? (revs blow torch, lowers mask)

As a person who dumps more money into Sephora than should be legally allowed, you’d think I’d be able to talk about all the super great things I have in my 5 different makeup bags that turn me from 8 year-old boy to 40-something drag superstar. But alas, I’m still trying to pull off  the “She’s All That” look before she actually turns “All That.”

So why do you need 3 different gold eyeliners for all those New Year’s parties you’re not going to? BECAUSE.

What about this $50 smokey eye palette? I NEEDED it and Pinterest gave me a vague idea of how to use it, so leave me alone I just want to rock the two black eyes that gorilla gave me when he punched me at the zoo. 

I enjoy makeup, but anything above “you don’t look completely dead” makes me feel like a clown. Everything in moderation. Except for things with sugar in them. You can have extra of that. 

Anyways, new topic, I have half an episode left of the X-Files and the last movie before that chapter of my life comes to a close. It’s bittersweet because X-Files was a crutch for me, BUT I mentioned that I would be starting some new (relative term) shows like Twin Peaks, The Sopranos, The Wire, etc. AND GUESS WHAT? I got a request from a lo-lite (my nickname for anyone who has ever enjoyed any of my humor in any capacity) to live-tweet my thoughts on Twin Peaks. The idea that anyone would want my opinion or reaction to anything is extraordinarily flattering. SO THANK YOU!

ONE MORE DAY LEFT OF THE BLOG CHALLENGE! 

Lolo signing off.

Until next time, my Quispy Queens.