Curly Girl Method

I don’t know how I stumbled upon it but I finally got into the Curly Girl Method (CGM) by Lorraine Massey. I’ll probably post before and after photos at some point but I’m only a few days in and I’m already in the “transition phase” (read: looks like shit) as the curls I have start to realize that they don’t have to be fried with my flat iron.

I’ve had mildly curly, BIG hair my whole life. In high school I found out about hair straighteners and oooh boy did I take that and run. I bought a straightener, turned it up the highest setting (nearly 500 degrees) and let ‘er rip. I let it rip for about 15 years.

The Curly Girl Method starts with removing sulfates from your shampoo/conditioner and using silicone free conditioners. This is a lot more overwhelming than it may seem. The DevaCurl products are wonderful (created by Lorraine Massey and the official products of the CGM) however they are pricey so I was trying to find quick, cheaper, drugstore products to get started. With the help of some CGM Facebook groups and NaturallyCurly.com, I was able to get into my new routine.

My hair before CGM

My hair is starting to curl on its own again but I’m sure I’m due for a DevaCut, which is a type of haircut designed for curly haired people, performed by stylists who have to be trained in the art of the DevaCut. Updates on that as it comes.

As I find products and start seeing more transformation, I’ll post photos and talk about what works for me.

That being said, I’m nervous for my stage hair…I usually straighten my hair when I perform…even my avatar on WordPress is me with stick straight hair. It has always been the more accepted hairstyle whereas curly can be seen as “messy” and “unruly.” Even my coworker chimed in as I was fluffing my curls about how much he loooooooved straight hair. -___- I’ll be ignoring the curl-shamers.

Wish me luck! I’m sure I’ll be clogging many drains in the near future.

xox Lo

A New Girth

It’s Sunday and I’m lounging on top of my bed hoping not to spill the crumbs from the banana bread I just ate all over my sheets. I don’t know if I was supposed to use a comma or two in that last sentence by we’ve got bigger fish to fry now.

I put up three posters in my bed room today, all with mediocre-hold-stickiness so I’ll let you know if I get the shit scared out of me in the middle of the night when one or all of them fall onto me while I sleep.

Today I was trying to find some podcasts to listen to while I cleaned my room. I ended up coming across Oprah’s Super Soul Conversations. I don’t get the OWN channel but I do watch when she live streams the Super Soul Sunday conversations. I found that she recently talked to  Eckhart Tolle, who wrote one of my favorite books (A New Earth), and was a constant guest on Oprah’s Lifeclass. Lifeclass was a show that then had a companion livestream with Oprah and guests. It focused on being “awakened” and living a life which less pain and stress. It was the first time I consciously remember changing my life by way of loosening the grip of ego (“small you”, not the personality trait), starting to meditate, and hearing someone articulate being “awake” which was something I had been feeling but was too young to really figure out on my own.

Today on the podcast, Oprah said she hadn’t interviewed Eckhart since those livestreams which was TEN YEARS AGO. I still vividly remember sections from that show and reading A New Earth and having it all click. They talked about evolution of consciousness, especially collection given the state of the USA, and how it’s not linear. You go forward, there is some regression, you move forward again, and right now we are back in a regression. It’s difficult but the regression is important because it does end up springing you forward.

Oprah’s podcast ended up leading me to search around for other podcasts and I ended up listening to Jack Kornfield’s show for three hours. Now I’m deciding which of the four books I’m reading simultaneously do I want to bring to bed tonight. It should probably be the one I rented from the library as opposed to the other three that have been sitting in my room for years on end. I wiped down the library book with a wet one the other day and Jesus Christ was that frightening. I won’t go into detail but just wipe down the books before you use them and also maybe don’t put them on the pillow that you sleep on.

My joke writing still feels sluggish so I wanted to try Reductress again soon. I used to pitch frequently but sometimes when you hit a goal, that’s all there is to it and you can move on. I moved on for a while but I think I would like to see my name up there again. I use it in my standup credits and I personally would like those to remain relevant.

Okay, I’m off to get another slice of banana bread because I need nourishment in one form or another and what better way than to take a fruit and make it unhealthy. Hehe.

Bye 143xo!

Online Portfolio and Enya Jokes

I finally put together an online portfolio!  Now all my articles from McSweeney’s, Reductress, xoJane (and more?) are in one place for you to look at or ignore, I don’t care.

This might be my first post since the new year so here’s a picture of me doing standup on New Years Day! This is part of the annual 100 First Jokes show that happens at ImprovBoston. It’s probably more likely 200 First Jokes as every year the amount of comedians that perform grows which is awesome and really exciting and also a reminder to carry hand sanitizer with you in the green room.

screen-shot-2017-01-15-at-3-13-13-pm

thank you to my friend Joe for capturing my set-up of an enya masturbation joke

I’ve been working on a few new sets including my time at summer camp where I purposely pissed my pants so my mother would have to pick me up and also one about how I’ve been mysteriously ill for a year and got a balloon shoved up my ass in the name of medical science. Dreams do come true.

Speaking of dreams, I’m adding “become the most sought after creative consultant in North America”  to my bucket list. I think it fits nicely with “get my phone shaped like Star Trek’s Starship Enterprise to work” and “ride an orange bike.”

giphy

Alright, that’s all I have to say for now. Here’s the link to –> my portfolio <– again! Click and look and be amazed that I could copy and paste links in an orderly fashion because honestly I was skeptical of my abilities too.

love you BYE xo143

Hernia Sue

Hello! I’ve been bedridden for a week, let’s check out my sores together!

Last Friday as the day was wrapping up at work I started to feel a little… ill. I figured it might be my body winding down from a busy week and with the weekend in sight I might’ve been letting go of holding myself so tightly all week. There was a comedy show I reeeeeaaaaaalllllllly wanted to go to, so I got home and laid in bed in hopes it would go away. When it came time to get dressed I was sweating and swallowing hard. Haha! Must just be the weather making me crazy!, I thought as I was hunched over snapping the crotch of my bodysuit and mouth breathing.

The whole ride over I sipped seltzer water and blasted the A/C on my face. You’re okay old girl! It’s just nerves about going to a super fun event!,  I tried to asure myself as I burped and gurgled and barely held the seltzer down.

It didn’t help that it was 90 degrees and humid as fuck, like the kind in a steam room that makes you hack your lungs out onto your towel-laden sisters. Why bother even going, Lauren? Why not just stay home? Becccccaaaauuuuuuuse, I said I reaaaaallllyy wanted to go. Going out to shows gives me a sickening personal high, between the performers, the people in the crowd who I fucking love and admire (and I get to call some of them frenz!), I get VERY jazzed about it. So cue me 5mins into standing and watching the show being like “I’m gonna ralf” and booking it out of there in a whirlwind. Torture is waiting for the goddamn WALK sign to turn on before I start running into the middle of the street. I felt like a giant asshole too. I have a complex where I assume everyone is watching and scrutinizing my every move. I wanted to run back in and scream I’M NOT LEAVING BECAUSE I HAVE BETTER THINGS TO DO, I’M LEAVING BECAUSE OH-OH GOOYAARFFLARBAGARFLURF*” (*me throwing up).

I went home and slept until Sunday morning. THAZ ALOTTA SLEEP. I kept getting a weird cramp  that felt like my liver was shriveling and squeezing itself out through my rib cage. I was tempted to call my brother to bring me to the ER as I was sweating bullets and had the spins, but I was so goddamn tired that I just cried and fell back to sleep like an idiot annnnnd also my health insurance really only covers the flowers they will send my family at my funeral so what can I do, y’know?

I ended up going to the conveniently located Arlington Urgent Care (it replaced a Bagelville, R.I.P., they had a great vegetable spread) and they were very lovely and were like “uhhh here is some Prilosec OTC and nausea medication, go the fuck to sleep there’s a stomach bug going around.” I worked from home Monday and went in on Tuesday, left early Tuesday because I thought I was gonna die, and went into work Wednesday, sat in the dark because the lights are generally upsetting, and cried at my desk like dumb tart. I should mention I rarely cry unless it’s to a song or a movie. This post is making me out to be a blubberpus but I’m noooooot, goddammit I’m NOT. By God’s sweet divine gracias, my chiropractor said he’d see me, so I drove 60+miles for him to be like “Jesus Christ you have a giant hiatal hernia in your chest” and promptly stuffed his fingers under my ribcage and ripped it out. I suggest finding a chiropractor who knows how to do this stuff because other than that it’s SURGERY which still doesn’t really relieve the pain, or so I am told by Dr. Internet (not a real person, or maybe it is, I don’t know). Also I am not a doctor and don’t want to be because ewww icky so if you need a surgery go get it, baby.

Soooo, I didn’t drive back to my house after the appointment and ended up sleeping at my mom’s house (conveniently located near the chiropractor). I worked from her house Thursday, drove up to work Friday morning with a lunch cooler that looked like my liver was in there (as seen below).

my hernia

Delicious.

I like driving up to work in the morning because I have to leave in the wee hours. It’s quiet, dark, and the dew on the grass and in the air smells ever so lovely. Thankfully, I survived the day and went back home to mom’s house after. Just me and the open road again trying not to dry heave and listening to Liz Gilbert’s books on tape (or “audiobooks” as the kids call them.) An enema or two later, I’m back to being at least upright for the week, hooray!

Hope you all enjoyed your Labor Day weekend where people keep saying it’s the last day of summer but it’s not, did you see this week’s forecast it’s like fuckin’ 90 and raining fireballs. I don’t like talking about the weather because it’s the same (but worse, because science) every year, SO WHY DO WE COMPLAIN, WE KNOW IT’S COMING, YOU DON’T HAVE TO TALK TO YOUR COWORKERS ABOUT IT, WE KNOW.

Okay, time to pack it up since I’m still at my mom’s house pretending I have no obligations in this earthly realm, BYYYYYE.

smooch 143 xox

 

 

 

I’m On The Science Diet 

Did I capitalize the title correctly? I’ve given up following the rules. 

Sunday Night Notes:

After the past few weeks of feeling like I was going to throw up, pass out, or die at any given moment, my diabetic cat and I are now on matching diets for hypoglycemia. In social situations I tend to hang back due to delayed responses brought on by profound dyslexia in speech and comprehension.  However, since the end of June if I’ve been extra distant or at least as far as the nearest trash can, it’s because I didn’t want to throw up into your mouth and pass out and risk kRaPping my pants in my weakened state. And yes, that’s the scientific name, you idiot. 

My new lifestyle of fruit and maybe some wet food has begun. Also, right when I finished that sentence The Carpenters’ “We’ve Only Just Begun” started playing on the 70s music station thanks to mega conglomerate Comcast (plz don’t cut my cable, this station rulez.) 

On that note, if you need any further proof that the universe swaddles and kisses its babies then you should prbbbbbly get off my page, you charlatan. 

Love you. Xo 

In Gargoyles We Trust.

If You Have Reason to Hate Me, It’s Probably This

Today in the True Heartbreak Times, I destroyed a beautiful relationship in less than a minute of establishing it.

I went out to my car for my lunch break and noticed a little green inchworm hanging out on my car window. Being the lonely troll that I am,  I said “Hi!” to him then got in. I turned on my car so I wouldn’t die of heatstroke and, without thinking, I rolled my window down. It wasn’t until the window was almost fully down that I remembered little buddy from 45 seconds prior and tried to roll the window back up to save him. If he wasn’t chopped in half from rolling the window down, than he was 100% chopped in half now that I ravaged his sweet little body in two different directions on a piece of motorized  death glass.

I’m sure the people walking by were wondering why I had my face two inches from the window with a pained look, mouthing the word “Nooooooooooo!” I have never been more emotionally distraught while on a lunch break and that’s no exaggeration because last week I had my car towed while trying to eat my half cooked chicken in the front seat.

Now all I’m left with is a little green steak smeared across my window.

Rest in peace, little friend. I LOVED YOU.

How do you feel about killing bugs? I typically don’t unless their tying to touch me when I’m in the shower or if their trying to crawl up my butt when I’m on the toilet. RESPECT MY TERRITORY, MONSTER. But this was my friend and I betrayed his trust and smote him into oblivion.

I’m just scared that when it’s my turn, I’m going to get up to the gates and BB Jesus is going to be all smiles but then my little worm friend will lean out from behind him and will bellow “NO!” and all the angels and BB-J will gasp in horror and I will be banished from Heaven and all it’s worm loving bullcrap. IT WAS AN ACCIDENT.

Anyways, I’m barely holding onto reality and I hope you guys have a nice evening and are not falling asleep while trying to watch Inside the Actor’s Studio with James Lipton.

k love you smooch bye 143 xo

 

Songs You Might Die To

Hey Ding-a-lings,

Do you ever been driving and hear a string of your favorite songs on the radio back to back and you think This is great! It’s like these songs are being played for me! Wait, am I about to die?

I had one of those mornings today when I was driving to work early for the first time in two years. I’ve been asking hoping for a sign or something to confirm that I’m not tossing my life away. Here are the songs I heard, links to the videos are in the titles!

Elton John – Honky Cat – This song  reminds me of when I quit the job I hated and moved to a new town, to a new apartment, with no job and  no idea what I was going to do for money. I’ve generally always played it safe so I’m sure my loved ones thought I was losing my mind and I completely understand because I thought I was losing my mind (and doubting if I was going to be able to pull it off.) During the transitional phase of moving out, moving in, and trying to find a job, I kept hearing this song being played on the radio in my car, in stores, and on TV. I put this song on every time I get the thought of Who the hell do you think you are? You can’t do [insert mild challenge]. Works every time.

The Guess Who – Undun – I forgot this song existed until it came on the radio one night when my beloved best friend and I were driving home late from seeing the MICHAEL JACKSON LASER SHOW at the planetarium. After being hurdled through space with Michael blowing our hair back, we were zapped of energy and cruising home to our little beds. The song came on and we both came back to life and all but drove off into the goddamn Mystic. Seems magical to have it come on the radio again within the same week without hearing it for years. Also, I spent a solid 30min investigating this particular video as singer and known time-traveler, Burton Cummings, looks like he just left the Vans store and is on his way to pick up his Radiohead album pre-order, despite the video being recorded in 1974.

Jim Croce – Bad Bad Leroy Brown -After my dad died, I used his car a lot because mine was what one would call a “shitbox.” Every time I would get in it, day or night, this song would always play. It played after I found a $20 in a parking lot. It played after I found a $20 bill on the ground in a hotel a week later. I really had no connection to the song except it just kept playing when I was in his car or when something cool and lucky happened. Then I went to a medium I like to see because she’s hilarious and lovely. I  also happened to be a PA on her television pilot (weird story, for another day). I was at her show and she was clear across the room. She stopped reading the person she was standing in front of (50+ feet away) and looked over in my direction and yelled “LEROY!” I didn’t think anything of it since I don’t know a Leroy and apparently neither did anyone else around me. She shrugged and went back to reading the person and then turned around in my direction again and she said “LEROY? Does anyone know Leroy?” Again, nothing. Then she started bopping up and down singing “Bad, bad, Leroy Brown.”  That’s when I said “Oooohhh” out loud. I ended up getting a very lovely reading from her. She brought stuff up that I completely forgot about so it was nice validation. I believe there are people who do cold readings out there but it you’re a skeptic, go see Maureen and at the very least you’ll get a laugh because she’s very funny and entertaining. I hadn’t heard that song in a while and it was nice to hear again.

 

So there it is! Songs that mean something! All in a row! Do you have any songs that you hear and go THAT’S ME? Tell me in the comments because I read and love them dearly.

Okay go drink some fruit juice, bye! smooch143xo

Look Ma, Gray Hair

Hey Nana-Lovers,

I rented a few DVDs from the library this week because my hair is starting to gray and I’m trying to take it in stride. I should add that those few DVDs were all various seasons of Inside the Actor’s Studio with James Lipton. That may be my penance for ripping one of my gray hairs out when no one was looking.

Do you write gray or grey? I’ve always written “gray.” It looks better. “Grey” reminds me of murky tap water or a dense fog and it makes my nana-bones hurt. Also, Grey Goose tastes like feet. Also, Christian Grey likes to taste feet. Coincidence? I don’t know, I haven’t read the book so I don’t even know if that’s true but it probably is so yay.

My mom started graying in her teens and my dad started graying closer to his 40s so I don’t know what’s going on with me but I’m rounding the corner to 27 and I have enough wiry strands to pluck out and makelife-like whiskers for a sock puppet cat. I met someone the other day who had a voice like a sock puppet, or how I imagine a sock puppet would sound. It was a very deep man voice and had a slow and careful way of enunciating words. It might have been a gorilla, I don’t know.

I just did my nails so the fumes might be making me delusional. Or it was the drugs I did in college. Hey-o! My nails are Barbie pink but the color is called “Purple Panic” and I really would like to see someone about this because it’s not even close to a magenta or orchid, let alone a PURPLE. What an outrage. I’ve also had this nail polish for 10 years so the chemical content coming off my nails and into my nostrils is probably not favorably to my case.

Any ways, I’m tired and I haven’t been to work on time in two years.

k love you bye smooch 143xo

 

Don’t Shit the Bed (and Other Scary Thoughts)

This week in Things That Have Scared the Shit Out of Me, I’m happy to report that while in a dead sleep at 3:32am this morning, my curtains ejected off the wall and onto my sleeping head. For just a tension rod holding up a sheet of plastic, it sounded like the Titanic smashed through my bedroom window.

You know when people say  to “follow your gut” and you don’t and it’s terrible? WELL, my gut told me three times last night to shut off my window alarm before I went to bed. It’s pretty sensitive so rattling can set it off and THANK GOD I listened and shut it off. Had that thing gone off last night I would’ve pissed in my bed, no questions asked. It has a piercing chirp sound that is so loud that it’s disorienting. When I was setting it up and accidentally set it off, I stared at it, ears pulsing, and lost all ability to read the ONE switch that can either be pushed On” or “Off.” Needless to say I am thankful I did not have to use my rubber sheets this time.

The curtain falling down has happened before and it’s never during the day or some time a little more convenien like not through the hours of 10:30PM and 7:30AM. I ended up nailing thumbtacks through the sheet hanging it over my window. I call it “Asymmetrical on a Budget.” I hung it horribly so one side is about a foot higher and is letting so much light in I might actually crawl out of my cave and go outside and roll in some dirt.

Anyways, I’ve yawned 437 times in 30 seconds so I love you, smooch smooch, and higher a contractor, handy man, or personal decorator for all your curtain needs amen.

 

Ah, Delightfully Offensive Cartoons Make My Heart Glad

I had ice cream four times in two days and I feel like I’m dying.

I’ve wrapped myself in my 47lb furry bathrobe and have been horizontal for the past five hours.

When I’m lethargic, dyslexia takes the wheel and uses the monster truck for a Sunday drive over my motor skills. While trying to add No Doubt’s “Hella Good” to a playlist (shut up), I typed in “Hood Gel” and surprisingly still managed to find the song without having to retype it. Take pleasure in the small successes. Also, I think Hood Gel would be a great name for a gel that promises to cement your hair down so you can wear a hood and pull it off without ruining your hairstyle. Nvm, I just filed for the patent, sorry.

Needing a pick-me-up, I started looking for Tiny Toons videos, as one does when they are tired and need to refresh themselves mind, body and soul.

Thankfully, I found the perfect video. Now I can pinpoint the exact moment my childhood started falling apart.

This is probably why I started doing comedy. At least now I have an accurate timeline for my memoir.

My power just went out so I think that’s a sign that maybe I should get off my computer for 10 minutes and get up and walk around and maybe breathe clean air instead of mouth-breathing into my bathrobe collar that I have covering my entire face.

alright, darlings – inhale, exhale, smoochsmooch143