Reading is Fundamental and so is Writing Too, I Guess

Hey Klingons,

I found out today that there is a small publishing company accepting non-represented work to be considered for print. HOORAY! This is great news.

Also, the deadline is in exactly one month.

What the Christ is my game plan, you ask? I have no idea. I guess pick a subject? A theme? I’m leaning towards either my childhood traumas or the jobs I’ve hated. So really, shitting my pants as a child versus shitting my pants as an adult. Or I could write three hundered and fifty pages on how I’ve spent $75  on ice cream delivery in one week. You would spend that much too if you found out there was an ice cream delivery store open until 2am right up the street from you.

I’ve joined a couple of online writer’s groups and it’s been the most motivating experience. Every single day, people post all the great things they are working on and have had published. Meanwhile I’m thinking, Oh. You guys actually work on stuff? You use your ideas and work on them until you feel they’re finished? Interesting. What a concept. Maybe I’ll try that.

 The discipline of sitting down to write without any idea of what you even want to say terrifies me. With that being said, this blog is completely stream of conscious. As for the overall topic, throughout the day if I become aware  I’m consistently thinking of a particular subject, I’ll think Oh yeah, maybe I should write about that in my blog! Then return to picking my nose and swallowing my gum.

I have this welcome mat sized coloring pad I started using to write down (in crayon) all the working titles of my stories. If asked on the street to share a story from my life, I’d go glassy-eyed, start slurring my words, and tell  you about my favorite Beanie Baby (Sparky). When I’m home and need to come up with enough essays for a book in under a month, then the list of ideas and stories comes in handy. I suggest you also revert to your childhood and buy a coloring pad the size of refrigerator.

For the next few weeks, this blog will probably be turning into my sounding board for what should go into the collection and what should never see the light of day again. Buckle up kids because Click-it or Ticket but also some real family truths may surfacing. Let’s enjoy it while we can.

Okay, bye! smoochxoxo

 

Are You Difficult?

I think I’m difficult. Not a highly attractive quality but I do as Agent Dale Cooper does and I give myself a gift EVERYDAY. Sometimes I give myself MULTIPLE gifts. Coffee. Ice Cream. Lots of TV shows. Magazines. The part that makes me “difficult” is that I ask or get myself what I want. But am I difficult or am I LEANING IN to get the extra piece of pie before anyone else gets it? (That’s what “leaning in” is, right? For food? You gotta lean in for food.)

In what ways are you difficult? Would you call yourself an obsessive personality?

I ask the second part because sometimes my obsessive trait stomps on the little fingers of my difficult trait. I want 400 of the same flannel and I’m going to leave the family party until I get them. Once I do, I will return to the family party but not until my thirst for flannel (or whatever) is quenched.

Have you ever made the mistake of wanting something and letting it go but then realizing you’ve made a grave mistake and can no longer reverse your decision? I try to avoid those moments. Not ALL of them or else this would be a blog about hoarding. ALSO this is not entirely on material items. I get the same way with writing. If I feel I haven’t been creative or let the tension of wanting to write something out, I get a big ball of stress in my chest until I make something of it. Hence this blog where I can dump my crap and humor onto you beloveds.

From a higher sense, maybe it stems from a portion of myself not being fulfilled. That’s when the minor inconveniences start screeching for my attention.

The radio has a commercial. The TV is slightly too loud. The lighting is too dim. Someone is talking to me about the weather.

JUST SHUT UP EVERYONE/THING/APPLIANCE.

Does this affect anyone else or am I just a giant asshole? I’m curious as to what minor inconveniences irritate you.

Okay I love you enjoy the bonfire of my heart.

Story Bored

Hi, my friends.

Like many writers, artists, monkeys, and other creative people, I get really irritated when I’m not producing anything. I have 47,000 ideas going on at once and there’s just too many chips in the cabinet for me relax and sit down to focus on one. Or twenty. OR ANY.

Thank God for the instructions of NaNoWriMo. I’ve always edited as I go which made my 5th grade book reports a real bitch in the Lo Kirby household. Half way through my stunning argument on why Charlotte from Charlotte’s Web was my favorite character I’d think, Wait…Is Charlotte kind of an asshole to Wilbur? I don’t agree with her methods at all! Do I really hate Charlotte? Oh my god, I HATE CHARLOTTE. 

It’s a curse. It also inhibits me from working on essay and letting it breathe before I start tearing it apart and eventually giving up on it altogether. I have a list published on McSweeney’s and that took nearly two years to achieve and I worked on it steadily. I wonder where 47 word documents with 3-10 sentences in each with the intention of becoming a story will get me? Hmm.

I CAN’T HELP IF I GET BORED AFTER 30 SECONDS OF WRITING BECAUSE THERE’S CHEESE IN MY FRIDGE AND I HAVE TO GO TO WHERE THE CHEESE IS BECAUSE CHEESE IS NOT BORING.

SO, I started a new process. I have a giant coloring pad that I have deemed my “Story Board” (harharhar, elbow jab, wink wink, hehe, hoohoo). Every single story idea that flashed for 2 seconds in my mind goes on the board. No wonder I was stressed out. After 10 minutes I had about 30+ stories written down. These are ideas that have been floating around for months or years. Now that the idea is down I don’t have to worry about texting it to myself 12 times over the year when I remember it while walking around Walmart or honking down a burger at McDonald’s. It’s there and now I can pick one and focus on it.

We’ll see how the focusing goes.

Okay, I love you, you smell great, here’s my number, don’t forget to feed the dog, tell the babysitter to stop stealing the K-Cups. GOODNIGHT!

Radio Silence or Something Like That. Also Big News.

Hey kids!

The blog had to take a hiatus for a while because my laptop started a rebellion and only wanted me to look at its artwork. It’s really into using blocky, abstract pixels and is currently going through what looks like a yellow phase. I’m guessing it’ll be looking into getting some gallery shows soon.

Also the washing machine started to do some performance art and midway through a cycle released it’s watery-underbelly onto my basement floor. It was reminiscent of “Poseidon Adventure” but it’s still a beginner and beginner’s have to work through that weird beginner-y phase for a while. I believe in it though.

In BIGGER news, I’m finally getting a piece published on McSweeney’s!

I’ll post all the information when it goes live in a couple weeks.

This is a big deal for me as I’ve never had anything professionally published before AND it’s fricken McSweeney’s.

One of my teachers through the Second City said that the average amount of tries it takes to get on their “Lists” page is about 5. It took me upwards of 30, so don’t worry. If I can do it, SO CAN YOU! *shoots confetti cannon*

This also means I have at least SOMETHING in my writer’s portfolio that is validated.

Speaking of jorbs and stuff, I’ve been diligently looking for new work. I’ve applied to everything from mail clerk to phone sex operator. I’ll keep you posted on any new hits, but I think my phone sex operator career isn’t going to take off the way I thought it was. Someday.

Until then, BYE

Lolo von Finallypublishedsomethingthatisntterriblebergsteingirlman

A Terrible Motivational Speech

I did a parody of Ira Glass’ famous and lovely quote on storytelling and writing. It hardly makes sense. Enjoy.

“Nobody tells this to n00bs. I wish someone told me. All of us who eat food, we get into it because we have good taste. But there is this gap. For the first couple years you eat stuff, it’s just not that good. It’s trying to be good, it has potential, but it’s not. But your taste, the thing that got you to buy that $400 Kitchen Aid mixer with all the attachments, is still killer. And your taste is why your food disappoints you. A lot of people never get past this phase, they take Tums, have violent bouts of diarrhea and quit. Most people I know who eat and make interesting food went through years of this. We know our food doesn’t have this special thing that we want it to have (cinnamon). We all go through this. And if you are just starting out or you are still in this phase, you gotta know its normal and the most important thing you can do is just eat a lot of food. Put yourself on a deadline so that every week you will eat one sundae. It is only by going through a buttload of sundaes that you will close that gap, and your homemade froyo will be as good as Ben & Jerry’s ice cream. And I took longer to figure out how to do this than anyone I’ve ever met. It’s gonna take awhile. It’s normal to take awhile. You’ve just gotta loosen your belt and fight your way through it.” -Roth Plastic

Weird Things Happen

I love when weird things happen. I could sit and read stories about synchronicity and serendipitous moments until my head explodes.

This week in “My Life is a Whirlwind I Can’t Make Sense of, but That’s Cool I Guess”, I’ve heard The Doors’ song “People are Strange” about four times. The Doors remind me of my dad, who LOVED them, and after hours being forced to listen to them, I find that that song is the one I didn’t hate the most. Even today I heard it and turned to my friend to tell her I’ve heard it more times this week than I think they’re allowed to play on the radio anymore.

Flash forward to this evening when I was locked inside my room, following in my father’s footsteps to the recliner in front of the TV. I just started watching season one of the Sopranos, a show he watched from beginning to disappointing end. I turn in on, about 15 minutes goes by, and a character says “I keep hearing this song in my head, ‘People are Strange.’ You know, by the Doors.”

I had to pause it and try not crap my pants. Out of every episode, I watched that one today. A show shot in 1999. By golly.

In other news, I bought a K-Cup rack on sale for $4.77. They retail $25-35. I nearly spiked it in the middle of Kohl’s, I was so excited.

In even more spike worthy news, I got to interact with the lovely Mara Wilson via Twitter today. I’ve seen her in a couple interviews lately, mostly being prodded with questions about her growing up as a child-star. She seems like an incredibly intelligent, articulate, and funny woman, so I was very excited that she responded to my comment. I take any opportunity to talk or make a joke about The Wire. She even followed me back. I don’t care if it’s petty, that’s pretty friggen great to me.

I hope you guys enjoyed Daylight Savings. I’ll take a 6:44pm sunset after this winter. 50° weather calls for shorts and sunscreen in New England.

I missed Throwback Thursday, so enjoy this picture of my cat who really loves me.

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Goodnight!

Love,

Lolo von Ishovedmyretainersontomyjaggedteethowsteinberson

Do You Want to Build a Snowm–I Mean Write a Book?

I’ve seen Frozen three times, cut me some slack. 

Also, my laptop is about to die so this whole post may be a jumbled crapball. I COULD go downstairs and get my charger but shut up already, jeez what’re you my mom? Oh? You ARE? MOM STOP READING MY BLOG, GOD. 

But I digress.

I’ve been meaning to smash a bunch of my essays together and wrap some hard plastic around them and call it a book, but I’m going to take the time and energy and make it my best. The overall theme of it will be the tragedies in my life, infused with my own sick sense of humor, of course. I have some (true) stories, if you could voice your opinion on what you might like to read?

Some toupées: 

I mean topics:

1) Worcester, MA- Part One-In which my friend and I get chased by a homeless man. SPOILER: He jerks off on the car.

2) Worcester, MA- Part Two-In which we did not learn our lesson the first time, so we get caught in the crossfire of two rival street gangs. (Yes, guns. Bang, bang, shoot-em-up.)

3) The Dentist-Part OneIn which the dentist drops his drill and I attempt to swallow it.

4) The Dentist-Part Two– In which the dentist removes my wisdom teeth and also part of my nerve, leaving my face numb (forever).

5) The Accusal- In which my fellow kindergarteners accuse me of stealing the markers and drawing on the walls. But did I really do it?

6) Vacation From Hell: Mexico-In which we have no money, no clothes, and are driving with an insane man that only speaks in Beach Boys lyrics. 

7) College Graduation– In which I am in my driveway at 8:30am. Graduation starts at 9am. I am an hour and a half away. Do I make it in time? Some factors: My mother having diarrhea, makes me stop for anti-diarrheal medicine, I knock down the display. Does she shit in my car?

Those are just some of the stories I’ve wanted to tell for a while. Let me know!

K love you or whatever, my twinkling stars. 🙂 

 

Fake Face, Day 30

Hey Kling-dongs. 

That’s my new brand of plastic wrap with cartoon dicks all over it. To be used to cover the left over deviled eggs at your bachelorette party. 

Do people like deviled eggs? They seem like a staple at family parties. You see them arrive in their special little caddy but you never actually see people eating them. BUT, the mystery–there are never any left over because Uncle Marty throws his hands in the air and goes “awww who ate all the deviled eggs?!” and everyone laughs, except for Aunt Edy because she and Uncle Marty had a falling out years ago, in which Marty forgot about, but Edy still shoots stingy remarks about Marty under her breath to any female relative in near proximity. No one likes Edy, she should just let it go. 

But I digress. 

DAY 30.

BLOG CHALLENGE.

QUESTION: What’s in your makeup bag? (revs blow torch, lowers mask)

As a person who dumps more money into Sephora than should be legally allowed, you’d think I’d be able to talk about all the super great things I have in my 5 different makeup bags that turn me from 8 year-old boy to 40-something drag superstar. But alas, I’m still trying to pull off  the “She’s All That” look before she actually turns “All That.”

So why do you need 3 different gold eyeliners for all those New Year’s parties you’re not going to? BECAUSE.

What about this $50 smokey eye palette? I NEEDED it and Pinterest gave me a vague idea of how to use it, so leave me alone I just want to rock the two black eyes that gorilla gave me when he punched me at the zoo. 

I enjoy makeup, but anything above “you don’t look completely dead” makes me feel like a clown. Everything in moderation. Except for things with sugar in them. You can have extra of that. 

Anyways, new topic, I have half an episode left of the X-Files and the last movie before that chapter of my life comes to a close. It’s bittersweet because X-Files was a crutch for me, BUT I mentioned that I would be starting some new (relative term) shows like Twin Peaks, The Sopranos, The Wire, etc. AND GUESS WHAT? I got a request from a lo-lite (my nickname for anyone who has ever enjoyed any of my humor in any capacity) to live-tweet my thoughts on Twin Peaks. The idea that anyone would want my opinion or reaction to anything is extraordinarily flattering. SO THANK YOU!

ONE MORE DAY LEFT OF THE BLOG CHALLENGE! 

Lolo signing off.

Until next time, my Quispy Queens.

Proud Moments

Day 17! Blerg Cherhlerng.

What is my proudest moment?

Well, it certainly wasn’t last night.

I went to an open mic and bombed the fuck out of my set.

That’s okay though, I wanted to cry right after, but I woke up this morning not really affected by it.

I have no idea if I’m supposed to use “affected” or “effected” in that sentence. Help?

***

Anyways, my proudest moment!

I think it would be the time I gave David Sedaris a piece of my shit writing.

He probably gets that kind of thing all the time, but for me, I’ve always avoided doing things outside my comfort zone.

This has definitely been a year of breaking that whole pattern and it’s been great.

 

I think the other proudest moment hasn’t happened yet. That would be…

…my Showcase coming up on Monday!

 

I’ve been at the comedy school for over 2 months and all the work we’ve been doing is going to be presented at the Student Showcase!

I’m already proud that I started taking steps to doing more of what I love, which is stand up and comedy. Regardless of the negative feedback I may get (and with comedy-holy shit can the feedback be harsh) I’ve been powering through.

It might seem obvious to the rest of the world that following your dreams should be on the list of things to due while you’re alive, but it wasn’t on mine for a loooong time.

So yay for strides!

Well, it’s suppy time. Until next time my little gingerbread hens!

All Hope is Not Lost

My  poster I’ve been bitching about came today. YAY!

After a few obnoxious e-mails to the people at Random House (I’m sorry, I’m just paranoid) I got the poster for Maron’s new book, “Attempting Normal.”

Except it wasn’t signed. Fuck.

But I’m trying this new thing called “tipping the scales.” I have to try to have 51% good thoughts during the day, instead of you know, hating everything at every moment for the rest of all eternity.

It just so happens Marc (we’re on a first name basis because we are going to be best friends) will be doing signings in Boston for his book. Perfect opportunity for me to run up and kneel in front of his signing table like a child. (Remember that time I did that to David Sedaris?)

Well if you don’t it’s here—>https://lolokirby.com/2013/04/09/meeting-david-sedaris-but-really-this-time-part-three/

Maybe I can will into existence another precious moment between professor and fuckface.

Speaking of tipping the scales, I had 8 bowls of cereal today. Living life like that makes it really easy to be happy more than half the time.

Also, in the next episode I’m going to talk about how I think Greg Giraldo is haunting me.

Until then, my little clarinet players!