CHRISTMAASSSSSS

Christmas is coming! It’s almost here! HOORAY!

Christmas Eve is my fricken favorite. It’s warm and glowy in my house and lovely. Also lots of snacks. I really love snacks. Crackers, cheese, salami, pepperoni, pizza, nachos, ALL OF IT. And all on Christmas Eve. Christmas day was great in the morning because PRESENTS (!!!) but it always made me sad when it was over. When it’s just me and my snacks though, time stands still.

In other news, today is Keira Knightley Night. So was yesterday. Also everyday last week. Sorry to all my Pinterest followers who now have 563 pictures of Keira plastered all over their timelines. Keira forever. Long live the Knightley. Tonight’s Keira Knightley Night was “Last Night.” hehehe.

I almost ralfed on my desk this morning, so I feel better now that I’m on my couch eating 20lbs of ravioli and finishing up Christmas cards. I’ll be posting the photos on Christmas Eve as to not ruin the surprise of the card recipients.

OKAY, KIDS. WHAT’S ON YOUR CHRISTMAS LIST THIS YEAR?! I want an XBox Live subscription.

k love you don’t forget to brush your hair to the right.

Can Hardly Use PhotoShop

Image

I made this masterpiece for you guys. I don’t own any of the above images that I smashed together.

If you didn’t hear, there’s a new Furby out called Furby Boom. They had a cute advertisement but I think mine’s cuter.

GOW4LYF.

Meeting David Sedaris: Part Two

HELLO MY SOUR PATCH CHILDRENS. 

I won’t get into the details now, but I finally met David Sedaris. I’m pretty sure I willed the whole situation into existence, and it was amazing. There will be a big, fat, long, blog post about it tomorrow, but what you should know is it involved ice cream, bloody shanks, nudity, and rashes. All good things, except for maybe the rash part. I’ve been crying on and off for the past 24 hours, because when you look David Sedaris in the eyes, he looks straight into your soul. 

It’s like what people say about those spiritual moments, that if you speak about it to anyone, it loses it’s meaning and  power. Like when people see a deer taking a dump on the side of the road and think it’s God. The moment I got up to the table he (David, not the deer) was sitting at, I knelt down like a child and just stared up at him. He was perfect, and I was a beet red, rambling, lunatic with a little shitty essay in my hand that I waved around until he took it and placed it in his pocket.

He could have read it after, or used it to clot a freak nose bleed, but I don’t really care anymore (I’m lying). I did my part of the journey which included a few bouts of diarrhea and whole lot of telling myself I suck. 

Well, it’s off to play my XBOX and cry more. Tomorrow will be my big long post, yay!

 

My Bum Hurts

Hi my beautiful children of the web! I hope your weekend doesn’t stink like poopy buttcracks. Last night I got the opportunity to skate around with a roller derby team. It was fun but now I can’t walk. Apparently an important rule for skating is you probably shouldn’t keep your legs rigor mortis while you clench your asscheeks like if you were keeping a grenade from dropping. This may be the first time I used the word grenade and it wasn’t meant to be a metaphor for poop, although it too would apply. Miraculously, I pulled myself together this morning and went to the mall for 6 hours and spent $300 on stuffed animals, ice cream, and blouses I can’t fit into my drawer. I also bought black lipstick which I will wear whenever I’m feeling especially moody but my lips are too tired to pout. All the yammering I do during the day to my kitties gets tiring, you know. I’ll also smear it on when I’m playing my XBOX so I can feel a little more badass.

In more pressing news, tomorrow I’m going to see David Sedaris and make him my bride. Some of my friends I’ve told suggested that I write up a short story for him. I have one in the works about how I had to piss in an almond jar while driving, so even if he wipes his ass with it because it’s so terrible, at least we’ll be bonded through the written word.

Enjoy the rest of your night/morning my little kumquats. Until we meet again.